History Funny / DiaryOfAWimpyKid

--> '''Fregley''': Say hello to the boys and girls, Freggers!\\

-->'''Frank:''' LOOK-- DON'T-- These-these are off limits! NO TOUCH! They are not toys, '''''THEY'RE FIGURINES'''''!

-->'''Greg:''' [[TemptingFate There's only one.]] ''({{Beat}}, then a sudden flock of seagulls swarm the car and attack the Heffleys)''

-->'''Rodrick:''' I got us... a microwave pizza. ''(places pizza in what appears to be a microwave and presses numbers on it)''\\

** Where exactly did he hide the batteries? The only place a baby could hide something that small: he put them in his diaper. Susan was continually flabbergasted that they keep showing up when she changed him.
* Greg is having a hard time keeping up with classmates in preschool, so he decides to bring them all down a peg by feeding them misinformation, such as telling them that a triangle is actually called a circle.

* In preschool, Greg had a bully named Bradley who would terrorize him and constantly misbehave. So much so that Susan wrote a book after he moved called "Bad Bradley" about a character that looked identical to the real one and saw him engage in acts such as biting the teacher and poking his classmate's eyes. She was actually going to publish it until Bradley moved back.

* Susan tries to get Manny to feel like a real driver during the family's trip in Uncle Gary's RV by seating him in front of the wheel. This backfires when Manny ''angrily curses out the driver in front of them'' as he lays into the horn, to Susan's obvious embarrassment.

** Eugene Ellis is also running for president, even though he never did any promotional work for himself. His speech is thirty seconds long and his only promise is to upgrade the toilet paper in all bathrooms. He wins the election in a landslide. [[GilliganCut Cue Greg's description of the first student council meeting]], [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome where the teachers tell him there's no way they're letting him waste the school budget on this.]]

* Greg takes pity on Jesus for the fact that his birthday landed on Christmas, meaning he only got half the amount of presents most people get each year.

* In the climax, Rodrick decides to [[SerenadeYourLover serenade Heather.]] Which song does he sing? ''"[[Music/JustinBieber Baby]]".'' And it culminates in the two together... because her attempt at maiming Rodrick leads to them crashing to the floor together, [[CoveredInGunge covered in chocolate]].

** The reason Greg accidentally pulled the fire alarm was because he briefly fell asleep on it due to SleepDeprivation. And why was he sleep deprived? Frank got him an alarm clock, but it didn't work ([[CrashingDreams He'd dream about a beeping rabbit]] instead of waking up) so Greg found an old-fashioned alarm clock in the closet. As it lacked a snooze feature, he put it underneath the bed so that he'd have to physically get up to turn it off rather than press it and fall back asleep. However, the ticking underneath the bed kept him awake because it reminded him of a TimeBomb.

** The reason Greg accidentally pulled the fire alarm was because he briefly fell asleep on it due to SleepDeprivation. And why was he sleep deprived? Frank got him an alarm clock, but it didn't work ([[CrashingDreams He'd dream about a beeping rabbit]] instead of waking up) so Greg got an old-fashioned alarm clock. As it lacked a snooze feature, he put it underneath the bed so that he'd have to physically get up to turn it off rather than press it and fall back asleep. However, the ticking underneath the bed kept him awake because it reminded him of a bomb.

* Gammie's so old, that some family members have already started to leave sticky notes on her furniture in an attempt to claim ownership of them upon her death. Greg initially says that it's disrespectful before [[NotSoAboveItAll admitting that he has his eye on her phonograph]].

** He eventually lost Alfrendo one day. Not wanting to disappoint his parents and look like an irresponsible brother, he draws a face on a grapefruit and wraps it in a towel. This works until the grapefruit rotted and had to be thrown out. Greg admits to becoming attached to the fruit baby and cried when it was disposed of.

** At the end of the book, when she gets the graphic novel signed for real, the author mishears Greg's name as "Craig". Greg decides to hold onto the book until he can find a rich graphic novel fan named Craig to sell it to.

-->'''Rodrick:''' (''[[OhCrap now staring at Frank in horror]]'') I stopped laughing! I ''stopped''! (''Frank, now sporting a SlasherSmile, yanks out all of the TV's input cables. Greg and Rodrick gape at him'')

-->'''Rodrick:''' I got us... a microwave pizza. ''(places microwave in what appears to be a microwave and presses numbers on it)''\\

** Greg saying that he'd better do something or he'd be known as "Diaper Hands" for the rest of his life or possibly even longer. He then imagines his tombstone reading "Here lies Greg "Diaper Hands" Heffley."

* Greg and Roderick sneak off to the convention, leaving their parents worried and their mother calling the police to file a missing persons report. But when she sees them on the television, bragging about how their parents are totally clueless about their escapade, she switches it to reporting a murder, the motherly panic in her voice converting to raw, dripping '''VENOM.'''

** Speaking of Frank's boat, Greg suggesting earlier on that they take it so the kids can learn how to "fish for...you know, fish".

* Another thing that didn't make it in was Mr. Peters, the biology teacher who puts Greg to sleep during class because he talks ridiculously slowly and quietly, with all of his dialogue represented by "Blaah, blaah, blaah, blaah..." Rodrick had him back when he was in middle school, and Susan wasn't buying his excuse that he couldn't stop himself from sleeping...only for ''Frank'' to come to Rodrick's defense, because Frank was also in Mr. Peters' class a couple decades ago, and he had the same effect back then!

* Greg lost an anti-smoking poster contest to a guy who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day.

* Susan is curious about Greg playing ''Magick and Monsters'', a ''Dungeons & Dragons'' clone, with Rowley and Leland. She decides to join in on one of their games.

** Afterwards, Greg talks about how he and Rowley should stop caring about girls and being unattached to them... followed by an illustration of them trying to hit on women in the hot tub.

* Susan takes the boys to a pet store to buy some fish. Manny instead buys fish food. Greg assumes he wants to feed his and Rodrick's fish, only to find out that he ate half the canister before they even made it home.

-->'''Greg:''' Any fool knows you need fire and acid to stop a muddy hand. All a mallet's gonna do is make it angry!

* After him and Rowley stop being friends, Greg chooses his two alternative best friends as Christopher Brownfield and Tyson Sanders. He hangs out with Chris mostly because he's a mosquito magnet (which makes him more of a summer friend than a school-year one), and he's hesitant to hang out with Tyson due to the latter always pulling his pants all the way down at the urinal.

** Gary's second wife was a woman named Charlene--due to a misunderstanding, she thought Gary had $45,000 in the bank, but in reality, Gary only had ''$45''. This becomes an issues when it comes to time pay the band at their wedding.

-->'''Salesman''': You mean DRUMMIES?

* Greg claims that he developed consciousness while in his mother's womb (which is impossible). Whenever her and Frank kissed, he'd kick her to show his disapproval. All that would do is convince them to keep doing it.

* Susan used to put Greg in front of a program called "Tenny Genius", that she hoped would help him grow to be smarter. While he isn't sure if it really did the job, he did learn to change the channel and remove the batteries from the remote so she couldn't stop him.

** One motivational speaker named Strong Steve talked about staying off drugs and ended off by ripping a phone book in half. The school had to replace half of the reference books in the library after so many boys tried to replicate him.

* Another thing that didn't make it in was Mr. Peters, the biology teacher who puts Greg to sleep during class because he talks ridiculously slowly and quietly, with all of his dialogue represented by "Blaah, blaah, blaah, blaah..." Rodrick had him back when he was in middle school, and Susan wasn't buying his excuse that he couldn't stop himself from sleeping...only for ''Frank'' to come to Rodrick's defense, because Frank was also in Mr. Peter's class a couple decades ago, and he had the same effect back then!

** And Mr. Peters standing right in front of Greg while he lectures somehow makes it even harder to not fall asleep. Greg comments that having a teacher staring straight at him would usually help him stay awake, but Mr. Peters is "like one of those snakes in a cartoon that can hypnotize its prey."

* Another thing that didn't make it in was Mr. Peters, the biology teacher who puts Greg to sleep during class because he talks ridiculously slowly and quietly, with all of his dialogue being represented by "Blaah, blaah, blaah, blaah..." Rodrick had him back when he was in middle school, and Susan wasn't buying his excuse that he couldn't stop himself from sleeping...only for ''Frank'' to come to Rodrick's defense, because Frank was also in Mr. Peter's class a couple decades ago, and he had the same effect back then!

* Another thing that didn't make it in was Mr. Peters, the biology teacher who puts Greg to sleep during class. Rodrick had him back when he was in middle school, and Susan wasn't buying his excuse that he couldn't stop himself from sleeping....only for ''Frank'' to come to Rodrick's defense, because Frank was also in Mr. Peter's class a couple decades ago, and he had the same effect back then!

* Frank is clearly jealous of his Boss' kids being into athletics. The illustration shows him driving by their house as they're all playing different sports. The next picture shows him arriving home to see Greg and Rodrick burning one of Manny's toy cars with a magnifying glass.

* Greg asks Rowley to get a video game he lent to Scotty Douglas back after the latter lied about losing it. After waiting for a while, Greg goes to Scotty's house to find Rowley ''playing the game with Scotty''.

** Eugene Ellis is also running for president, even though he never did any promotional work for himself. His speech is thirty seconds long and his only promise is to upgrade the toilet paper in all bathrooms. He wins the election in a landslide.

* Greg and Rowley camp outside the Game Hut for a Twisted Wizard tournament. While keeping watch, Greg eats some candy bars and has his hand covered in chocolate. He decides to take this chance to prank Rowley by going outside and slipping his hand in the tent to make him think he's the Muddy Hand. He hears no noise and assumes Rowley is asleep... only for Rowley to ''smash his hand with a mallet''.

** In the Polish version, Preston is instead named "Kriss Bell". His initials are now read "ka-bel", which is quickly twisted into "kibel", an informal word for "toilet".

* Greg's basketball team ends up taking their basketball coach Dhruv Patel's words about fighting for honor during a [[CurbStompBattle particularly disastrous basketball game against Slacksville]] ''way'' [[LiteralMinded too literally]]; Yusef Meskin ends up throwing a rough elbow towards a rival player, Ruby Bird tackles their center... and the Woodley Brothers begin beating ''each other'' up for no real reason.

* Greg and Rowley go to a "superhero training academy" thinking that they will gain superpowers to stand up to Leon Feast and his gang. It turns out that it's actually a day camp at the YMCA for little kids. The illustration shown is of a "Wall Smash Station", in which the "wall" is made of foam bricks and is only a few feet tall.

-->'''Greg''': I mean, whoever wrote THAT one wasn't even TRYING.

* Greg talks about how [[GettingCrapPastTheRadar Thomas Crapper]] invented the toilet, and that he hopes he gets paid if someone were to name a bodily function after him. Cue to a diagram where a guy tells his roommate that he needs to "Take a [[NamesakeGag Greg]]."

** Also during the newspaper-making scene, Rowley writes an article titled "Kitten Has Fun Time" (about a kitten playing with an unknown creature) and Greg makes a fake Q&A question:

** When asked by his mom why he won't go out with Fregley, Greg's excuses is that, due to Fregley hiding behind a tree, he might be naked.[[note]] To be fair, this is Fregley. He very well could be. [[/note]]

* When Greg was little, he thought that grout was some kind of monster that lived in the house’s bathroom pipes. He once tried to stop it from coming out of the faucets by blocking them with balloons so it couldn’t pull him down the drain. It backfires, and Rodrick ends up beaning him with a water balloon.

* Young Greg thinks that the Grout is come kind of horrible monster and tries to set up defenses. When he fesses up to Susan, she thinks that it's hilarious and shows him what the grout is (the grit between tiles) and tells him that if he stops thinking about it, it'll go away. Cue Young Greg thinking that's ''exactly'' what the Grout would want him to think and him wondering if the Grout is disguised as Susan.

* Greg and each of the kids in his grade have to a project on a specific country for their International Showcase--Greg ends up being assigned the country of Malta, which he's never even heard of. He ends up completely forgetting about the project until the day it's due, so he has to scramble a bunch of random things together to try and salvage it. He ends up [[InUniverseFactoidFailure getting nothing right about]] [[GlobalIgnorance the country of Malta]]--the only thing he's sure about is that Malta's located near Russia[[note]]It's actually in the Mediterranean, between Italy and Libya, with the former being the country that Greg originally wanted to do his project on[[/note]]. Because of this, he puts together the warmest clothing he can find from the lost-and-found and mish-mashes cafeteria food together to create what he thinks could pass for a Maltese dish. He also comes up with some non-facts about Malta, pointing out that [[CaptainObvious no US presidents were born in Malta and that it has the same number of letters as "Fudge"]]. It gets worse when the students' parents come to the school to check out the International Showcase--Greg discovers that there's some kid in his grade whose parents are actually from Malta, and when they come by to see what Greg did for his project, they're clearly offended/disappointed that he obviously did no real research on their home country.

* Young Greg thinks that the Grout is come kind of horrible monster and tries to set up defenses. When he fesses up to Susan, she thinks that it's hilarious and shows him what the grout is (the grit between tiles) and tells him that if he stops thinking about it, it'll go away. Cue Young Greg think that's ''exactly'' what the Grout would want him to think and him wondering if the Grout is disguised as Susan.

--->'''Rowley:''' [[BlatantLies Nope!]] [[ImmediateSelfContradiction I can't even hear you or see you!]]

--->'''Rowley:''' [[BlatantLies Nope! I can't even hear you or see you!]]

* When Manny lost his favorite pacifier, Frank quickly had to run out and get a new one. He came home with a gag gift that looks like Manny had a big mouth.

* Greg tries to prove a point about Rowley copying everything he does. He rolls up one of his pant legs and tied a bandana around his ankle and goes to school like that. Not only did Rowley copy this, but Greg got sent to the office again after a woman reported the two for sporting "gang colours".

--->'''Shawn''': ''(is comforted by his dad, who is glaring at Greg)'' '''[[InelegantBlubbering WAAAH!]]'''
--->'''Greg''': I cannot tell a lie.

* Susan attempts to keep the kids up to date with learning by holding classes in the house. Rodrick and Greg are not amused when she lectures about the alphabet and treats them like Manny's age.

* Greg has some ridiculous and hilarious thoughts about how the world works, to the point where one may wonder how he hasn't flunked out of school yet.