History Funny / CalvinAndHobbes

-->'''Calvin:''' Is that a shot? Are you going to... '''[[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice AUUGHH! IT WENT CLEAR THROUGH MY ARM!!]]''' OW OW OW OW!!!! ''(Mom hides her face in embarrassment.)'' '''I'M DYING!''' I HOPE YOU'VE PAID YOUR MALPRACTICE INSURANCE, YOU QUACK!! '''WHERE'S MY MOM!?'''

---> '''Calvin:''' Not elected? You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity?
---> '''Dad:''' Exactly.
---> '''Calvin:''' In short, open revolt and exile is the only hope for change?
---> '''Dad:''' [[OhCrap I don't like the direction this conversation is taking...]]

---> '''Calvin:''' FOR LIFE!? What about a recall vote? What about impeachment?!
---> '''Dad:''' There are no provisions for either.
---> '''Calvin:''' Did you write this constitution yourself or what?
---> '''Dad:''' Well, your Mom helped some too.

---> '''Mom:''' My first decree will be to make you do all the cooking.
---> '''Calvin:''' Whoa, that changes everything!

-->'''Calvin:''' ''(as the two approach a snowman looking on)'' This snowman represents the spirit of the new year. Looking ahead, he strives forward with confidence and determination! He challenges! He imagines! He invents! He calls forth the best qualities of human drive and ingenuity!
-->'''Hobbes:''' Very inspiring. [...] ''(sees several other snowman laugh at the first snowman, lying in the shade, etc.)'' ...And over here is the '''''real''''' world?
-->'''Calvin:''' Right. This is why we're always glad when the old year is over.

-->'''Hobbes:''' The flea market.\\

-->'''Susie:''' Darlinggg, I'm home! ...And I brought a surprise!
-->'''Calvin:''' ''(thinking)'' Let's hope it's a divorce!

--->'''Calvin:''' [[ArtisticLicenseMedicine You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.]]

-->'''Hobbes:''' ''(thinking)'' When in Rome...

-->'''Hobbes:''' You'd better say you '''''like''''' Susie.
-->'''Calvin:''' [[BigWhat What?!]] [[BigNever Never!]] That's going too darn far!
-->'''Hobbes:''' ''(teasingly)'' You'd better say you'd like to give her ''[[GratuitousSpanish muchas smooches]]''!
-->'''Calvin:''' ''(with a hilariously shocked expression) '''MUCHAS SMOOCHES?!''' (cue fight)''

--> '''Dad:''' My glasses are fogged and I can't blow my nose but my heart rate is the envy of men half my age.
--> '''Calvin:''' Weirdness always starts at home.
--> '''Hobbes:''' Even when you're looking for it, you're never prepared for it.

--> '''Susie''': And Mom always wonders why I'm always so hungry after school.

** On a later strip in the arc, after his mom finds out, Calvin chews Hobbes out for the whole dilemma, ending it with, "I hope you're happy." Hobbes shoots back with "Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!" Enraged, Calvin then runs after Hobbes, who has a huge smile on his face.

'''Hobbes:''' I'd say it takes one to know one, bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor!
'''Mom:''' ''(off-panel as the roughed-up duo stop fighting)'' It's getting dark, Calvin. C'mon inside!
'''Calvin:''' [[BlatantLies Aw Mom, we're right in the middle of a croquet game!]]

* This argument between Calvin and Hobbes. Over a croquet game.
-->'''Calvin:''' ''(after Hobbes had called him a liar)'' Well, '''''you're''''' just a poop head! So there! '''[[BlowingaRaspberry THBPBPTHPT!]]'''\\

* [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1994/03/06 An entire Sunday comic]] is devoted to Calvin's dinner reciting the "To be or not to be" soliloquy from ''Theatre/{{Hamlet}}'' to him. It then, after a short pause, begins singing "Feelings" by Morris Albert. Calvin eats it before it can do anything else. In the last panel, his mom remarks happily about how quickly he finished eating, and with a look of supreme disgust Calvin says, "Let's not have this ever again."

'''Calvin:''' [[{{Troll}} Wait till she sees what's on today's lunch menu.]]

* During the arc where Calvin forgets about his insect collection, Miss Wormwood [[OutOfCharacterMoment sends Susie to the front of class away from Calvin]]. Calvin [[BullyingADragon passes a note to Susie]] with the following:

--->'''Calvin:''' ...It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce.
--->'''Susie:''' THAT'S ''BEANIE WEENIES!''

-->'''Susie: CALVIN, YOU BALONEY BRAIN!''' You sent me a hate-mail Valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a Valentine for ''you,'' you insensitive clod!! ''(nails him'' point blank ''with a snowball and walks away, smiling and thinking)'' A Valentine and flowers! [[SlapSlapKiss He]] ''[[SlapSlapKiss likes]]'' [[SlapSlapKiss
me]]!\\

'''Mom:''' ''[off-panel]'' AAAAUGHHH! ''[chases Calvin into the kitchen, dripping wet and clad only in a ModestyTowel]'' YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO! I MEAN '''NOW'''!!!\\

-->'''Calvin''': "Mom won't be happy at ''all'', you sicko! Sorry to spoil your ''getaway''!"\\

* Calvin walks up to his dad and remarks, with no particular expression, that you can buy [[NoodleImplements squid]] at the grocery store. "They're really gross." "Mm, I'll bet." As soon as he leaves, his dad's eyes bug out, and he turns around and screams, "CALVIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

-->'''Calvin:''' What a dumb idea! Why are we doing '''that'''?\\
'''Dad:''' [[TakeThat So we don't have relatives dropping by to visit]].\\

---> '''Calvin:''' '''NOT ELECTED!?''' You mean you can govern with dictatorial impunity?
---> '''Dad:''' That's right.

* Hobbes gives Calvin a haircut that [[GagHaircut quickly goes]] [[GoneHorriblyWrong horribly wrong]]. Bill Watterson went on record saying that he rarely laughs when he draws, but drawing the results of Hobbes' work actually cracked him up.[[note]]This also marks the very first appearance of the "Tracer Bullet" persona. Hobbes made him cover it up with one of Dad's fedoras.[[/note]]
** On a later strip in the arc, Calvin chews Hobbes out for the whole dilemma, ending it with, "I hope you're happy." after his mom finds out. Hobbes shoots back with "Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!" Calvin then runs after Hobbes, who has a huge smile on his face.

'''Calvin:''' Heh heh...just, uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh... ''(cough)''

--->'''Susie:''' THAT'S ''BEANIE WEENIES!!''

''(last panel shows Dad in the office, working on paperwork and whistling a cheerful tune.]''

** In a similar strip, Calvin asks Dad when his term expires, only to be told that the Dad appointment is for life.
---> '''Calvin:''' FOR LIFE!? What about recall? Impeachment?!

---> '''Calvin:''' What, did you write this constitution yourself?!
---> '''Dad:''' Well, Mom helped.

--->'''Calvin:''' "[[Film/ReturnOfTheJedi Jabba the Hutt]] meets [[Literature/RudolphTheRedNosedReindeer Rudolph the Reindeer]]. I dunno, Mom."

-->'''Susie: CALVIN, YOU BALONEY BRAIN!''' You sent me a hate-mail Valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a Valentine for ''you,'' you insensitive clod!! ''(nails him'' point blank ''with a snowball and walks away, smiling and thinking)'' A Valentine and flowers! [[SlapSlapKiss He]] ''[[SlapSlapKiss likes]]'' [[me]]!\\

'''Doctor:''' It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. ''(Calvin faints)'' Little kids have no sense of humor.

* Calvin having to get a shot (offscreen), while his mom hides her face in embarrassment:
-->'''Calvin:''' Is that a shot? Are you going to-- '''[[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice AUGH! IT WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ARM!]]''' OW OW OW OW OW!!!! I'M DYING! I HOPE YOU PAID YOUR MALPRACTICE INSURANCE, YOU QUACK! '''WHERE'S MY MOM!?'''
* In [[https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1993/07/21 one strip]], Calvin yells to his mom from across the house. She tells him to walk over to where she is. He does... And tells his mom: "I [[RoadApples stepped in dog doo]]. Where's the hose?" Topped off in the Anthology edition as Watterson's comment is simply: "Right lesson -- wrong time."

--> '''Calvin:''' ''(Thinking to himself)'' I didn't even know they ''made'' barfing face stickers.

BeatPanel\\
'''Moe:''' What?\\
'''Calvin:''' Isn't he great, folks? Let's give him a big hand!

[[BeatPanel (Beat)]]\\
'''Moe:''' What?\\
'''Calvin:''' Here. ''(Tosses Moe a quarter.)'' [[WorthIt That was worth 25 cents.]]

** Made funnier by the panel break before the last sentence, causing a beat when reading.

--->'''Calvin:''' ''(Looking at an old yearbook)'' Is this you with the keg and the 'Party Naked' t-shirt?\\

---> '''Dad:''' I don't like the direction this conversation is taking...

* A filler panel in one of the book collections had Calvin making a "Dad performance" graph with the approval rating going so low that he had to tape new extensions to the graph to show how bad it was, while Dad has a sarcastic look on his face that says, "Where did I go wrong with this kid?"

''(Enter Calvin, with glasses and slicked-down hair)''\\

''(Mom has literally fallen out of her chair [[HelplessWithLaughter laughing hysterically]])''\\

* The beginning of [[HeManWomanHater G.R.O.S.S.]] Calvin wants to call their new club something cool and mysterious. Hobbes wants to call it [[ItsAllAboutMe "The Hobbes Fan Club".]]

'''Hobbes:''' (irritated) I wonder when school starts?

* The strip in which Calvin employs LoopholeAbuse to answer the question "Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words." His answer? "Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz."

-->'''Calvin:''' Who was the first guy who looked at a cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?

* One of the insults Calvin says to Susie upon first meeting her is, "I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak!"
* Three panels of a hideous space alien contemptuously addressing a classroom and proceeding to demonstrate his planet's destructive technology, one panel of Calvin pulling a hideous face at the front of the classroom growling gibberish. "Miss Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some kind of special school?"

-->'''Susie:''' ''(to Calvin)'' Look, bird brain, you wasted this entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ...'''WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?! AM I GETTING THROUGH TO YOU?? THIS IS IMPORTANT!'''\\
''(The next panel has Spaceman Spiff and an angry alien in place of Calvin and Susie)''\\

** The whole story arc. Susie takes the report so seriously that she thinks getting into a good college (keep in mind, both of them are ''six'') depends on her doing well on it. Calvin, of course, couldn't care less.
** This is also the story arc where Bill Watterson began to nail down the Calvin/Susie Dynamic.

-->'''Calvin:''' ''(after Hobbes had called him a liar)'' ...Well, you're just a poop head! So there! THBPBPTHPT!\\
'''Hobbes:''' POTTY MOUTH! POTTY MOUTH! CALVIN IS A POTTY MOUTH!\\
'''Calvin:''' You're asking for a ''toothless'' mouth, buster!\\

'''Calvin:''' Ha! Mosquitoes don't ''have'' teeth! That shows how dumb you are!\\

''(the fight escalates into a BigBallOfViolence)''\\

'''Hobbes:''' I say it takes one to know one, bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor!
** Also; The throwaway panels in the beginning....
--->'''Hobbes:''' (solemnly as he sets things up) "Croquet is a gentleman's game."
--->'''Calvin:''' "That's hard to believe.....I've played before and the temptation to misuse these things [[note]](the mallets)[[/note]] is awful."

** When Susie builds a snowwoman with visible boobs, the next panel has Calvin's mother saying, "I don't care. We're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard." Calvin's snowman is only seen from the back, but the clear implication is that Calvin gave it a [[GagPenis penis]].
** The snow monster Calvin builds that makes his dad think, "I don't think the schools assign enough homework." is also a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome! Seriously, how did he make THAT?!
** Or the snowman enjoying a snowcone for that matter. "It's a sordid story."

** One strip has Calvin saying, "Mom and dad don't value originality and hard work as much as they say they do." as he and Hobbes are building snowmen doing grisly things while playing sports.

** The strip where they talked about the new year in relation to the snowmen that Calvin made was both serious and funny.
** And then there was this one strip where Calvin used ForcedPerspective to freak out his dad (Calvin built half a giant face and fingers on a hill top so it looked like a giant snowman was peeking out from over the hill.)
** "I call it, 'The Torment of Existence Weighed Against the Horror of Nonbeing.'" ("It" being a snowman with a huge screaming mouth).
*** Upon seeing Calvin's hideous snowman which he's treating like a work of art, Hobbes congratulates him on putting artistic integrity before marketability. After hearing this Calvin immediately makes a normal happy-looking snowman.

--->'''Calvin:''' '''HA HA HA! ''DIE,'' SNOW GOON, ''DIE!!!''

* Pretty much any time either parent finds Hobbes somewhere unusual in the house while Calvin's at school (usually so Hobbes can ambush Calvin.)
* In one arc, Calvin tries to wheedle out of a school assignment (write and illustrate a story), by going forward in time with Hobbes from 6:30 to 8:30, when he will have already written the paper -- only to find his 8:30 self had had the same idea and not actually written the report. Calvin teams up with the 8:30 Calvin and they both travel back to ''7:30'' in an attempt to force ''that'' Calvin to do the homework. To put it simply, things end up escalating into a MeleeATrois.[[note]]Or would have, but the 7:30 Calvin pointed out that, since they're all the same Calvin, the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins would suffer anything they did to him.[[/note]] Meanwhile, [[spoiler:the 6:30 Hobbes and the 8:30 Hobbes write Calvin's story and give it to him when he returns, resolving the whole mess. What they don't mention is that the story was about how he tried to avoid doing the assignment]]. What makes this funny? At the end, Calvin is furious at Hobbes' prank only to discover that [[spoiler:the report was ''great'', earning an '''A+''', and the arc ends with Calvin ''still'' trying to be mad at Hobbes for the principle of the thing as Hobbes gets starry eyed over a possible career as an author]].

* Another one has Calvin toss a snowball down a hill. There's a pause before he begins cheering, and we see Susie at the bottom of the hill having been plowed over by a massive snowball.
* Calvin's mom's face in the [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1992/03/17 last panel of this strip.]]

* Calvin's [[TheUnsmile "smile"]] [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1988/12/16 in this comic.]] His father asks him to smile for the camera and he makes a weird, gaping grin.

* [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1988/03/07 This strip. The look on Calvin's dad's face is priceless, as well as the last panel.]]

* When Miss Wormwood tells Calvin off with "...Our first president was NOT Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!"

** Then right afterward, he and Hobbes make the face to Susie, and through her point-of-view, you just see Calvin standing there saying, "Hi, Susie" with Hobbes as a stuffed tiger sitting next to him. She, inevitably, says his "frozen" face is an improvement.
* Calvin [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1987/04/29 randomly decides to abandon another homework assignment]] by pretending to be a zombie, as "the living dead don't ''need'' to solve word problems." Hobbes gets a shock when he sees Zombie Calvin, but then reconsiders:
-->'''Panel 1:''' ''(Calvin walking about with zombie-grimace face)''\\
'''Panel 2:''' ''(approaches Hobbes, who jumps in surprise at the sight)''\\
'''Panel 3:''' ''({{beat}} panel as Hobbes considers Calvin)''\\
'''Panel 4:''' ''(Hobbes adopts a similar expression and falls in with Calvin)''\\
'''Hobbes:''' ''(thinking)'' ''"When in Rome..."''

* Miss Wormwood says, "So if we subtract 5 from..." only for Calvin to run off shouting, "OUR FEARLESS HERO ESCAPES!!!" and have another Spaceman Spiff daydream.
** The last panel is Calvin already at home and his mother on the phone saying, "Hello, speaking... HE WHAT?!"

-->'''Susie:''' ''[Off-panel]'' '''HEY! WHO CUT A PIECE OF MY CAKE ALREADY?! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES!!'''\\

* When Calvin tells his mom he DOES have common sense when he's told he lacks it, he [[BreakingTheFourthWall turns to the reader]] and says happily, "I just choose to ignore it!"
* In one arc, both Calvin and Susie have been sent to the principal's office (Susie was passing notes, and Calvin basically announced it for all the world to hear). They become worried that they may be spanked, and when Mr. Spittle comes to talk to them, they start freaking out, culminating in, "'''WAAHHHH!!''' I WISH WE WERE DEAD!!"
-->'''Mr. Spittle:''' ''(Thinking, giving AsideGlance)'' I hate this job.

-->'''Susie:''' I'm not sure what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be ''losing''.\\
'''Calvin:''' I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it!
** Calvin's face just before he and Hobbes start fighting: "MUCHAS SMOOCHES?!"

** Before that; When his mom has him don his costume for the first time and asks for his opinion on it...

** Calvin tries to reassure his mom on her costume skills by informing her that at least he's not the kid who has to play an amino acid.

-->'''Calvin:''' Wow, the story was different ''that'' time!\\
'''Hobbes:''' Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head?
* Pretty much the entire bat report arc. Even funnier in the Anniversary edition, where Watterson mentions that, after that arc, he learned '''far''' more about Bats than he'd ever cared to know. You can start it [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1989/10/27 here]].
-->'''All the students but Calvin:''' '''BATS AREN'T BUGS!!!'''

-->'''Susie:''' Calvin you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail Valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a Valentine for ''you,'' you insensitive clod! ''(nails him ''point blank'' with a snowball and walks away, smiling and thinking)'' 'A Valentine ''and'' flowers! [[SlapSlapKiss He likes me]]!'\\

-->'''Calvin''': [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1990/12/24 WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE?!]]

''(Cue outside shot of a large scale model of Calvin's house in a cage, and two aliens in lab coats, one with the Mom Muppet)''\\

''(Calvin wakes up, heads to the table, where Mom is bringing him a bowl of oatmeal, wearing the same outfit)''\\

* This strip is probably one of Susie's finest moments of Snark:

'''Hobbes:''' [with a long-suffering look] Maybe they're not very self-aware.\\

(''Calvin makes a face of shock, then ponders'')\\

* Calvin walks by Mom, proclaiming himself to be her "big accomplishment in life." Cut to Mom talking to Dad: "I'm depressed."

-->"Everyone wants the same old thing."

-->(''Calvin imagining himself as a pterosaur, flying over the sea'')\\

(''The pterosaur flies on'')

'''Hobbes:''' (stares wordlessly)\\

* Two strips have Hobbes engaging in {{Stealth Pun}}s with various objects. In both cases, Hobbes is laughing hysterically while Calvin glares at the lame joke.
** One strip has the duo playing pirate and Hobbes hands Calvin a shoe declaring it their "[[{{Pun}} booty]]."

* Calvin randomly runs out of class shouting, "WHAT ON EARTH AM I DOING HERE ON THIS BEAUTIFUL DAY?! THIS IS THE ONLY LIFE I'VE GOT!! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"
-->'''Miss Wormwood:''' (carrying Calvin back to class) Next time, take a drink of water and a few deep breaths.

--->[[WriteWhoYouKnow This is my dad.]] [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer No exaggeration.]]

* In one of their baseball games, Hobbes hits the ball so far out that he can make a home run long before Calvin ever gets the chance to tag him out. To make the loss even more humiliating, Hobbes purposely stalls himself while taunting Calvin, and makes a home run '''just''' before Calvin, running with all his might, tries to tag him. [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1993/05/23 Calvin's facial expression in the second-to-last panel]] is hilarious.

-->'''Calvin:''' Dad, how come old photographs are always black and white?\\
'''Dad:''' Those old photographs ''are'' in color. It's just the ''world'' was black and white then... The world didn't turn color until sometime in the 1930s, and it was pretty grainy color for a while, too.
** Just the fact that Calvin buys it, every time his dad tells him something like that. One strip has his dad claiming that when the sun sets, it settles in the hills of Arizona. The last panel has Calvin getting ready for bed, looking impressed.
--->'''Calvin:''' I hope I'm as smart as Dad when I grow up!\\
'''Mom:''' Why? What's he been telling you this time?

** "I didn't know dinosaur bones came in designer colours..."

-->'''Calvin:''' ''(on the phone)'' Hello? I'd like to find out how much a good pair of binoculars costs... '''ONE TO SIX HUNDRED DOLLARS?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY DAD'S GOING TO ''DO'' TO ME?!?'''
-->'''Hobbes:''' [[FateWorseThanDeath He won't stop at killing you]], that's for sure. Uh ''uh''.

---> "Don't sneeze."

--->'''Hobbes''': Now we can go down to the beach and look at babes!
--->'''Calvin''': Maybe I should break some of Dad's power tools and see if I can get some of THOSE...

-->'''Mom:''' Kid, anyone ''but'' your biological mother would have left you to the wolves long ago.\\
'''Calvin:''' Yeah, right. How much did you pay for me?

* In one arc, Calvin loses Hobbes when a big dog grabs the tiger and runs off. Susie finds Hobbes and decides to take him home. When Calvin sees Hobbes (In his "person" form usually reserved for their private moments) at Susie's tea party, he thanks her and kisses her hand, much to her confusion.
-->'''Susie:''' Well, wasn't Mr. Calvin a gentleman-- '''HEY! WHO ATE ALL THE COOKIES!?'''

-->'''Hobbes:''' (still laughing) I think I do.
** The RunningGag about Calvin's Christmas wish list consisting mostly of heavy weaponry, like flamethrowers or heat-seeking missiles. Even Lampshaded in one strip.
---> '''Mom:''' You're going to be one sad little kid on Christmas.

'''Calvin:''' That's dad? I thought those were trucks downshifting on the highway.
* Calvin's occasional FromTheMouthsOfBabes moments, especially [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1986/01/01 one early strip]] where he asks his father why he lives in a house married to Mom instead of an apartment with several scantily clad female roommates. The look on Dad's face in the third panel especially takes the cake, as does the ending.

--> "OOOG! AAACK! I GOT THE DRY HEAVES!! YOU'RE DEMOTED FROM FIRST TIGER TO TIGER BULK RATE!"

** Susie gets sent to the principal's office for writing a retaliatory note back (which reads "Calvin, you dirty, rotten, lousy, stinking, nasty piece of moldy scum!!! Drop dead! I hope you..."). Calvin's initially ecstatic but then has a massive OhCrap moment upon realizing that she'll probably end up ratting him out. [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1989/04/05 Cut to a relieved Susie with Mr. Spittle]], who's holding a '''massive''' file.

** Which is impressive in itself given that Calvin's supposedly just a 1st-grader.
** Right before that, while she's walking down the hallway to the principal's office, Susie muses if they make the hallways long on purpose.

* Hobbes greeting pounces on Calvin when he comes home from school have always been funny. In one strip, Calvin attempts to get proof of Hobbes in the act to prove to his parents of Hobbes actions by using a camera. He succeeds in snapping a picture before getting tackled by Hobbes, but the actual picture shows Hobbes in stuffed animal form seemingly jumping at the camera.
-->'''Calvin:''' (shows his dad said picture) See!? See!? That's what he does every time I come home!
--> (the following scene)
-->'''Hobbes:''' He thinks ''you'' tossed ''me'' in the air!? Well I've never been so insulted in my life!
* [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1994/09/08 "Heh heh, just, uh, clapping the erasers, heh heh..." (cough)]] Basically, Calvin is pretending to be Spaceman Spiff while clapping the erasers.

'''Calvin:''' Yaah! Death to oatmeal!\\

'''Calvin:''' You'll never escape, vile glop! Die! Die!\\

--->'''Mom:''' IT'S ''YOUR'' FAULT WE DIDN'T HAVE A SWEET LITTLE GIRL! '''''YOUR''''' STUPID CHROMOSOME!! NOT '''''MINE!'''''\\
''(Mom stomps off. Dad goes back to his reading)''\\
'''Dad:''' (...I just live here...)

--->"Five years until retirement, five years until retirement..."

-->'''Calvin:''' I do not believe in linear time. There is no past and future: all is one, and existence in the temporal sense is illusory. This question, therefore, is meaningless and impossible to answer.

* In another Sunday strip, Calvin and Hobbes go fishing, but Calvin gets bored of waiting for a bite and gets the idea to throw a giant rock into the water to blast the fish out. Predictably, they both get extremely wet, with Hobbes glaring at Calvin, who has an apologetic/nervous smile. The last panel:
-->'''Calvin:''' ''(as Hobbes is about to hurl him into the water)'' OK, it was a bad idea! But I got wet too, right?

-->'''Calvin''': (after hearing a loud thump) What was that!?
-->'''Hobbes''': It's Santa! Listen, he's saying something!
-->(final panel reveals [[AgonyOfTheFeet Dad dropped a HUGE present on his toe]])
-->'''Dad''': [[{{Angrish}} Slippin-rippin-dang-fang-rotten-zarg-barg-a-ding-dong!]]

* Calvin imagines himself as a dinosaur terrorizing his school playground during recess. In the final panel, Miss Wormwood wonders where he is since she and the other teachers lined up the other children to come inside. One of his classmates tells her that he's "out by the swings, and he's yelling or something!"

'''Calvin:''' [[ArmorPiercingQuestion So you wouldn't object to me being exposed to art, movies or music that some people think is offensive and shocking]]? ''(Dad gets an "Uh oh, what did I walk into?" expression)''\\

--->'''Calvin:''' I'm very very sorry that I took your precious flaaggg!\\
'''Hobbes:''' Just don't do it any more, you scurvy scalawaaggg!

'''Calvin:''' Cow Pie.\\

'''Calvin:''' I'm guessing it will shoot out my ears. Don't you want to see?

--->'''Calvin:''' "...It appears to be cigar butts in a gallstone sauce."
--->'''Susie:''' "THAT'S ''BEANIE WEENIES!!''"
--->'''Calvin:''' "Really? Oh, gross."

--> '''Susie''': And my mom always wonders why I'm always so hungry after school...

'''Mom:''' ''[off panel]'' AAAAUGHHH! ''[chases Calvin into the kitchen, dripping wet and clad only in a ModestyTowel]'' YOU GET BACK HERE AND PICK EVERY ONE OF THOSE DEAD BUGS OUT OF MY SHAMPOO! I MEAN '''NOW'''!!!\\
''[Last panel: Dad in the office, working on paperwork and whistling a cheerful tune.]''

'''Calvin:''' ''([[BaitAndSwitch while throwing the record in the trash]])'' Well, I sure didn't buy it for the music.

* The G.R.O.S.S. arc where the duo get into yet another feud due to Hobbes singing the "G.R.O.S.S. Anthem" against as scheduled. After Calvin demotes Hobbes to "Club Mascot", Hobbes declares to quit the club and [[StartMyOwn start his own]], called C.A.D. (Calvin's a Dope). Calvin renames ''his'' own club as "Hobbes is a Mangy Flea-ridden Furball" in retaliation, leading to the two declaring war on each other.

* "[[EverythingsBetterWithDinosaurs Tyrannosaurs]] [[NinjaPirateZombieRobot in]] '''[[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1995/01/01 F-14S!!]]'''"

** Before that; When his mom has him don his costume for the first time and asks for his opinion on it....

-->'''Calvin''': ''(offscreen)'' ♪ La da dee dee da, I think I'll get a bucket...dum de doo... ♬\\

* In the arc where Calvin tries to fix the bathroom sink, his parents overhear him singing about looking for buckets. They grow [[OhCrap increasingly worried]] about his intentions over the first three panels. In the last one, they both say "'''YOUR''' turn." while pointing to each other.

*** In the last panel, Calvin and Hobbes are walking in the backgrond visible through the window--and his mom's on the phone with Susie's mom

* [[http://www.angelfire.com/wa/zzaran/calvin.html Calvin's snowmen]].

'''Calvin:''' It would take ''hours'', and if he didn't kill Mom, [[SkewedPriorities she'd have a fit about the water on the floor.\\
'''Hobbes:''' Hmm... How did they finally kill "WesternAnimation/{{Frosty|TheSnowman}}"? [[note]]Funnily enough, with the same idea Hobbes just had.[[/note]]\\

** "First she says go out. Now she says come in." (Said after building some bowling snowmen).

** Snowmen prophets of doom! (Three snowmen holding signs predicting doom [[BlackComedy because spring is coming]])
** The strip where Calvin's dad comes home to an army of snowmen lined up and saluting him, much to his chagrin:

'''Calvin:''' It would take ''hours'', and if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor.\\

** The rest of that story arc counts too. Calvin is sick of being a kid and wants to be a tiger instead, so he dresses up as a tiger and goes out into the forest with Hobbes. At one point he reads that tigers are "secretive." They get into an argument about the secrets Hobbes knows, then Hobbes promises to give Calvin a hint.
--->'''Calvin:''' Ok, shoot!\\
'''Hobbes:''' The flea market.\\

** On a later strip in the arc, Calvin tells Hobbes "I hope you're happy." after his mom finds out. Hobbes shoots back with "Happy?! You stiffed me! Where's my eight bucks?!" Calvin then runs after Hobbes who has a huge smile on his face.

* The strips where Calvin and Susie play house and Calvin just phones it in the whole time. Of course, Susie has some pretty ridiculous ideas too. What really makes it work it that [[ArtShift it's all drawn in the style of]] a [[TheComicallySerious serious, soap opera comic]].
** [[https://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1989/07/09 "Our baby is a RABBIT?!?"]] A woman representing Susie goes home to her cynical husband who represents Calvin. She claims to have had a baby, but it's a rabbit. The husband calls her out for her "idiocy".

* At one point Calvin is told to stop making a particular face, as it will freeze that way if he does so. This kicks off a week of strips containing the following:

'''Calvin:''' That would take ''hours''! And if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor!\\
'''Hobbes:''' Hmm. How did they finally kill "[[WesternAnimation/FrostyTheSnowman Frosty]]?" [[note]]Funnily enough, with the same idea Hobbes just had.[[/note]]\\
'''Calvin:''' Beats me. [[CowboyBebopAtHisComputer Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.]]

* In one arc, Calvin tries to wheedle out of a school assignment (write and illustrate a story), by going forward in time with Hobbes from 6:30 to 8:30, when he will have already written the paper -- only to find his 8:30 self had had the same idea and not actually written the report. Calvin teams up with the 8:30 Calvin and they both travel back to ''7:30'' in an attempt to force ''that'' Calvin to do the homework. To put it simply, things end up escalating into a MeleeATrois.[[note]]Or would have, but the 7:30 Calvin pointed out that, since they're all the same Calvin, the 6:30 and 8:30 Calvins would suffer anything they did to him.[[/note]] Meanwhile, [[spoiler:the 6:30 Hobbes and the 8:30 Hobbes write Calvin's story and give it to him when he returns, resolving the whole mess. What they don't mention is that the story was about how he tried to avoid doing the assignment]]. What makes this funny? At the end, Calvin is furious at Hobbes' prank only to discover that [[spoiler:the report was ''great'', earning an '''A+''', and the arc ends with Calvin ''still'' trying to be mad at Hobbes for the principle of the thing as Hobbes gets starry eyed over a possible journalism career]].

* The previous day's strip. Calvin is frantically asking his pediatrician whether or not his instruments hurt. The first couple times, the doctor tries to reassure him. In the last two panels...
-->'''Calvin:''' ''What's'' '''THAT?!''' ''Will it hurt?''\\
'''Doctor:''' It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron. ''(Calvin faints)'' Little kids have no sense of humor.

* One strip has the duo playing pirate and Hobbes hands Calvin a shoe declaring it their "[[{{Pun}} booty]]."

* "[[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1990/12/24 WHAT'S THIS?! SANTA FLAMBE?!]]" [[note]]What makes this hilarious is that Mom & Dad just put Calvin to bed on Christmas Eve and are quietly snuggling on the couch before the lit fireplace and musing about Christmas and them as a couple... when Calvin appears with a fire extinguisher and ruins the mood.[[/note]]

** Susie gets sent to the principal's office for writing a retaliatory note back. Calvin's initially ecstatic but then has a massive OhCrap moment upon realizing that she'll probably end up ratting him out. [[http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/1989/04/05 Cut to a relieved Susie with Mr. Spittle]], who's holding a '''massive''' file.

** A snowman being [[OffWithHisHead beheaded]] by a [[CluckingFunny giant snow-chicken]]. He says, "Oh yeah?! Define 'well-adjusted!'" to his mother.