History Funny / BillCosby

* The dentist skit for its exaggerated portrayal of going to a dentist. He makes some priceless facial expressions as well.

* Breathing "macho style" with his wife in Lamaze class. It builds to the point where he's getting so into it that he imagines them going to parties and being asked to do their routine for impressed audiences...
-->''Ladies and gentlemen, the breathing Cosbys!''
* "Natural childbirth means that no drugs will be administered into the female's body during the delivery. The father can have all he wants."
* "Carol Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said, 'Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head.'"
** ...which is exactly what happens to him when his wife goes into labor and is hit with a contraction:
-->"My wife stood up... in the stirrups... grabbed my bottom lip... and said, '[[PunctuatedForEmphasis I! WANT!]] '''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis MORPHINE!!]]'''' I said, 'But dear...' ''(tries to breathe macho style)'' She said, '[[BigShutUp YOU SHUT UP!]] ''YOU'' DID THIS TO ME!' And on the next contraction, [[NarrativeProfanityFilter she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married!"]]
** After the child is born, he thinks she looks...weird. He walks over to his wife, kisses her and says, "I love you very, very much, dear. You just had... ([[{{Beat}} beat]]) ...a lizard." He goes on to describe the baby: "I mean, because the thing changed colors, like, five times! And I said to the doctor, 'Can you put this back? 'Cause it isn't finished cooking! It needs to cook two, three months!' But the hospital made us take it home."
** Before that punchline, when it gets to the part where the baby is born, Cosby describes, "Now this...is the greatest...moment..." only to be interrupted at that point by one woman caught on the house mics laughing. Cosby has to pause and looks in her direction as he almost breaks out laughing himself.
** Said daughter vs. the second:
-->"Now the first one, Erica, she was beautiful. She came out and said ding! "My name is Erica. I love you both. Mommy, what time in the morning would you like to get up?" We said "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well I won't wake up until nine, and even if I am wet I will not even cry, and when I wake up in the morning, you won't even hear me make a noise, I'll just say 'ohlalolo...leeleelalala...' My name is Erica and I love you both." ding! I looked at my wife and said "Look, this is great! Like, we gotta have another one right away. Before we lose whatever we've got going for us." So we did. Now this second one...Beelzebub...she came outta the chute a month early, champagne in one hand, cigarette in the other, "All right, who's in charge here? You, the ugly guy, what are you doing here?" "I'm your father." "Get rid of him, Momzie!...Time you been gettin up in the morning?" "Oh, eight-thirty...." "Well would you believe - THREE THIRTY! For no particular reason. And this is the way I cry: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! How's that shake up your spinal cord?"
* His mother's hypocritical parenting: "Day and night, night and day, work my fingers to the bone, for WHAT?!" "I don't--" "''[[BigShutUp SHUT.]] '''[[BigShutUp UP!]]''''' Now when I ask you a question, you keep your trap ''shut!'' Do you think I keep talking just to myself talk?! ''ANSWER ME!!!''"
* "You know what my father's favorite game was? 'Come over here and pull my finger!!'" And, of course, from earlier, we have what Bill thought his name was thanks to his dad's swearing.
--->"Because of my father, I thought my name was 'Jesus Christ' and my brother Russell thought his name was 'Dammit'. My father would say, 'Dammit, will you stop all that noise?! and Jesus Christ, sit down!!' I was out playing in the rain, my father said 'Dammit will you come in here?!' I said 'Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!!'"
* The entire [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZlCPQur4hc Chocolate Cake for Breakfast]] routine.
-->"I'd always heard about people having a conniption, but I'd never seen one. You don't want to see 'em!"

* In ''Bill Cosby: Himself'', "The Same Thing Happens Every Night". "Thing" referring to the kids getting a whupping for misbehaving. Cosby begs his kids not to goof off, to which they reply:
--> '''Cosby''': (as kids) "Dear man, thank you for your kindness, and your wonderful attitude about this whole situation, but you don't understand. We cannot sleep through the night, unless we've had a good beating!"
** After his wife beat the kids with a yardstick:
--> '''Cosby''': My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... ''NOBODY''! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don't know who you're fooling with. I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!

* In ''Bill Cosby: Himself'', his bit about how parents sound crazy when they have to repeat everything multiple times to inattentive kids:
--> '''Cosby''': Come here, come here, c'merec'merec'merec'mere!!! Sit sit sitsitsitsitsitsit!!! No no nonononononononono!!! Here here here here HERE!!! Stop it stopitstopitstopitstopitstopit!!!

[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/bill_cosby_jail_meme_2.jpg]]

* The entire "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With" routine from the album of the same name. It's a 22-minute routine on nighttime hijinks involving an undersized bed (on which he and Russell keep fighting over sides), a grouchy father, and tall tales about who broke the bed. Their father continues to threaten to come in with ''[[DontMakeMeTakeMyBeltOff the]] [[NoodleImplements belt]]'' to spank them both, which will "rip the meat off of their bodies" should it hit them. Realizing that neither boy will go to sleep, the father forces them both to stand on the floor until morning. The skit ends with, [[BrickJoke "And I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor, either."]]

** After the child is born, he thinks she looks...weird. He walks over to his wife, kisses her and says "I love you so much. You've just had...([[{{Beat}} beat]]) a lizard."

* "Carol Burnett described how labor pains feel. She said, 'Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head.'"

* "Carol Burnett probably put it best when she described how labor pains feel. She said, 'Take your bottom lip, and pull it over your head.'"

-->"I'd always heard about people having a conniption, but I'd never seen one. You don't want to see one."

--> '''Cosby''': I know a pain that only men suffer that's so far above labor pains you can't even find it on the pain chart. We don't even talk about it. There is no pain greater than the pain a man gets when a he goes out on a date, puts his date down in the seat, in the movie, puts his arm around the chair, in the movie, and leaves it there ''for two-and-a-half hours''. The blood from his fingertips drains to the center of his chest.

--->I was just wondering, what would be the effect of an ark on the average neighbour? Now here's a guy goin' to work, seven o'clock in the morning, Noah's next-door neighbour, he sees the ark.\\
"''(whistles, trails off)'' ... HEY! Noah, up there!"\\

* The entire "To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With" routine from the album of the same name. It's a 22-minute routine on nighttime hijinks involving an undersized bed (on which he and Russell keep fighting over sides), a grouchy father, and tall tales about who broke the bed. Their father continues to threaten to come in with ''[[DontMakeMeTakeMyBeltOff the]] [[NoodleImplements belt]]'' to spank them both, which will "rip the meat off of their bodies" should it hit them. Realizing that neither boy will go to sleep, the father forces them both to stand up on the floor until morning. The skit ends with, [[BrickJoke "I don't want you touching me on my side of the floor, either."]]

* AudioPlay/IStartedOutAsAChild: In "Medic," Cosby joins the Army, and becomes a medic because, according to the Geneva Convention, enemy soldiers cannot shoot at medics. He and his fellow medics rethink their career choices after their CO shows them a film in which the enemy are violating the Geneva Convention and are taking out the medics first, so when the fighting starts, he leads the medics into a foxhole to watch the war from a distance. [[spoiler: One of the medics is killed by stray shrapnel, and another one, against his comrades' advice, decides to avenge him. When he gets shot, he calls for a medic, but Cosby refuses to come out of the foxhole.]]

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6vMTZZZMqQ Bill Cosby on Prejudice]]: Bill takes on the role of a [[IrrationalHatred ridiculously irrational bigot]].

* Three words - ''THE CHICKEN HEART''.

-->"My wife stood up... in the stirrups... grabbed my bottom lip... and said, '[[PunctuatedForEmphasis I! WANT!]] '''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis MORPHINE!!]]'''' I said, 'But dear...' ''(tries to breathe macho style)'' She said, '[[BigShutUp YOU SHUT UP!]] ''YOU'' DID THIS TO ME!' And on the next contraction, [[ArsonMurderandJaywalking she told]] ''[[ArsonMurderandJaywalking everybody in the delivery room]]'' [[ArsonMurderandJaywalking that my parents were never married!"]]

--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': My leg!]]
--> [[spoiler: '''Cosby''': I don't make house calls!]]

-->"My wife stood up... in the stirrups... grabbed my bottom lip... and said, '[[PunctuatedForEmphasis I! WANT!]] '''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis MORPHINE!!]]'''' I said, 'But dear...' ''(tries to breathe macho style)'' She said, '[[BigShutUp YOU SHUT UP!]] ''YOU'' DID THIS TO ME!' And on the next contraction, [[ArsonMurderandJaywalking she told ''everybody in the delivery room'' that my parents were never married!"]]

-->"My wife stood up... in the stirrups... grabbed my bottom lip... and said, '[[PunctuatedForEmphasis I! WANT!]] '''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis MORPHINE!!]]'''' I said, 'But dear...' ''(tries to breathe macho style)'' She said, '[[BigShutUp YOU SHUT UP!]] ''YOU'' DID THIS TO ME!' And on the next contraction, she told ''everybody in the delivery room'' that my parents were never married!"

--> There was a song, man, that spoke to me. Thank God for poets and songwriters, 'cause I couldn't express it. But there was a song that said it all. And I just heard it on the radio two days ago. "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." I mean, I can't sing, but I can say it, jack. "Ain't no mountain high enough, to keep me from gettin' to you.

* AudioPlay/IStartedOutAsAChild: In "Medic," Cosby joins the Army, and becomes a medic because, according to the Geneva Convention, enemy soldiers cannot shoot at medics. He and his fellow medics rethink their decision after viewing a film in which the enemy are violating the Geneva Convention and are taking out the medics first, so when the fighting starts, he leads the medics into a foxhole to watch the war from a distance. [[spoiler: One of the medics is killed by stray shrapnel, and another one, against his comrades' advice, decides to avenge him. When he gets shot, he calls for a medic, but Cosby refuses to come out of the foxhole.]]

* AudioPlay/IStartedOutAsAChild: In "Medic" Cosby joins the military, and becomes a medic because enemy soldiers won't shoot at medics according to the Geneva Convention. Yet when the war starts he ducks into a foxhole and looks at the war from a distance. [[spoiler: Then one of his friends is shot and fellow soldier decides to revenge him. When he gets shot he calls for a medic, but Cosby refuses to come out of his foxhole.]]
--> [[spoiler: '''Soldier''': MEDIC! HELP ME!]]
--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': What for?]]
--> [[spoiler: '''Soldier''': I'm shot!]]
--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': I don't make house calls!]]

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6vMTZZZMqQ&list=FLLgI0MlAwo2wrzffcr3npkQ&index=13 Bill Cosby on Prejudice]]: Bill takes on the role of a [[IrrationalHatred ridiculously irrational bigot]].

--> [[spoiler: '''Soldier''': ''"MEDIC! HELP ME!"'']]
--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': ''"What for?"'']]
--> [[spoiler: '''Soldier''': ''"I'm shot!"]]
--> [[spoiler: '''Medic''': ''"I don't make house calls!"'']]

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6vMTZZZMqQ&list=FLLgI0MlAwo2wrzffcr3npkQ&index=13 Bill Cosby on Prejudice]]: Bill takes on the role of a [[IrrationalHatred ridiculously irrational bigot]].

* The fernet branca routine, wherein bitter liquor saves the day after he accidentally orders barbecued sparrow at an Italian restaurant while trying to impress his wife.

* The infamous "It's True, It's True!" routine, wherein Bill relates the time he was in Japan and decided to see for himself whether the rumors about those "wonderful baths" were true... but his wife walked in on him.
* The routine on "Go-Karts," which features a multitude of great sound effects, as well as a CallBack to an earlier routine about Cryin' Charlie, and a BrickJoke involving the cops.

* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6vMTZZZMqQ&list=FLLgI0MlAwo2wrzffcr3npkQ&index=13 Bill Cosby on Prejudice]]: Bill takes on the role of a [[IrrationalHatred ridiculously irrational bigot]].
* Real-life example from November 2014: In a bit of [[ComedicSociopathy schenfraude]], Bill Cosby asked Twitter followers to meme him, which he probably thought would be light-hearted. People responded by making memes referencing his alleged rapes. To clarify: [[CaptainObvious The alleged rapes aren't the funny part]], but the fact that he assumed people would post light-hearted memes and it backfired immensely.