History Funny / ArtemisFowl

'''Foaly:''' I'm implying that you don't ''own'' a copy of the rulebook, and if you do, you've ''certainly'' never opened it.\\

* "One, [[InsistentTerminology don't]] [[TheyCallMeMisterTibbs call me]] [[RunningGag Julius]]. Two, do what I say, horsey boy, [[NewTechIsNotCheap or I'll have your budget slashed.]] And three, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking what in Frond's name is the cancan?]]"

-->'''Holly:''' So... you're saying that Shelly is going to ''light a fart''?\\
'''Foaly:''' No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light '''THE''' fart!

"Thank you," said Artemis. "Finally."\\
"There will be plenty of time to blame Artemis later, when this is resolved."
* "I am Butler. Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy."

'''Foaly:''' I'm implying that you don't ''own'' a copy of the rulebook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it.\\

'''Foaly:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny That's not a bad line.]] He is definitely not Artemis.

--->'''Holly:''' Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the rulebook?
--->'''Foaly:''' I'm implying that you don't ''own'' a copy of the rulebook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it.
--->'''Holly:''' ...Fair point.

---> "Any first-day chemistry student could have told Ragby never to put sparks near a mystery gas. Unfortunately, Ragby had never met any first-day chemistry students, so it came as a complete surprise when the gas passed by Mulch Diggums ignited, in a chain of miniature explosions."

--> Sometimes Spiro missed the good old days when you could [[DestinationDefenestration throw a troublesome employee out of a high window]] and be done with it. These days, if you threw someone out of a window, they'd phone their lawyer on the way down.

-->'''Opal''': YouHaveFailedMe. Enjoy prison.

-->'''Kong''': I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just [[TeensAreMonsters boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?]]\\
'''Artemis''': We ''do'' steal stuff. Just ''[[ImpossibleTheft bigger]]'' stuff.

-->'''Holly:''' So... you're saying that Shelly is going to ''light a fart''?
-->'''Foaly:''' No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light '''THE''' fart!

-->'''Holly:''' Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals.
-->'''Orion:''' Not me! I'm just a teenager with hormones running wild. And I must say, young fairy lady, they are running wild in your direction.
-->'''Holly:''' This had better not be a game, Artemis. If you do not have some serious psychosis, you will be sorry.
-->'''Orion:''' Oh, I'm crazy, all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality disorder, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.
-->'''Foaly:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny That's not a bad line.]] He is definitely not Artemis.

-->"Hey," snapped Holly. "This is not the time to blame Artemis."
-->"Thank you," said Artemis. "Finally."
-->"There will be plenty of time to blame Artemis later, when this is resolved."

-->"It was a woefully inadequate response, and Artemis was instantly appalled with himself. Pathetic, really - "I don't like lollipops"? No self respecting criminal mastermind would be caught ''dead'' using the word "lollipops". He ''really'' would have to put together a database of witty responses for occasions such as this."

!!Book 1
* When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His "eternal shame" over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.

-->"It was a woefully inadequate response, and Artemis was instantly appalled with himself. Pathetic, really - "I don't like lollipops"? No self respecting criminal mastermind would be caught ''dead'' using the word "lollipops". He ''really'' would have to put together a database of witty responses for occasions such a this."

* When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.

* When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.

[[spoiler: '''The very next line of text:''' Mulch was laughing so hard he nearly choked on the first shovelful of dirt.]]

* "That proves it... this must be a hallucination." ([[spoiler:Mind-wiped Artemis']] reaction to the BizarroEpisode culminating in being saved by a talking rear end (Mulch Diggums hanging from a rope).)
* Artemis in jeans and a dumb t-shirt.
** "Dude."

* Artemis and Holly taunting Opal about their theft in ''The Opal Deception''. [[spoiler: Namely, gushing over her delicious truffles and how Mulch is really helping himself.]]
* Opal Koboi's line in ''The Opal Direction'' to the Brill brothers upon realizing that her plan has failed. It's very blunt and direct.

* Then there is this gem concerning the Kraken from the Time Paradox:

--> At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of [[spoiler:another kiss]] later?'
* In book 6, when Holly realizes Mulch stole her omnitool years ago and he tries to wriggle out of it before admitting to it and coming up with a FreudianExcuse.

* The entire conversation between Gobdaw (possessing Myles' body) and Artemis in ''The Last Guardian''. Artemis essentially trolls Gobdaw into revealing himself after pretending his spirit had left Myles' body.

* This bit from early in The Last Guardian:

** Especially funny because, for once, Artemis has done ''nothing wrong'' and is not even slightly at fault for the current situation.

** And before that: "[[ItMakesSenseInContext We lost the crickets.]]"
* Apparently, [[NoodleIncident Holly and Trouble went on a disastrous date where they were kicked out of a crunchball match]]. One wonders just what they were doing...

!!Unsorted
* Myles and Beckett's reactions to Artemis putting a combination lock on his lab door - Myles works out the combination after three days of work and several rolls of toilet paper, and Beckett digs a bear trap for Myles and gives him the ladder in exchange for the code.
* Trouble, knowing Holly's nature, gives her a direct order to stay where she is and do nothing, ''not'' to investigate the current mystery, and most especially not to do so with the criminal Artemis Fowl. Artemis wonders whether he even expects this order to be obeyed, before Holly explains that he's just covering his bases with his superiors.

* When the narration describes the Silver Cupid and how it got its name because of its hood ornament:

* The BigBad has his conscience placed in a guinea pig's body. His guards enjoy throwing him weapons that he's too weak to pick up.

* When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.

* "That proves it... this must be a hallucination." ([[spoiler:Mind-wiped Artemis']] reaction to the BizarroEpisode culminating in being saved by a talking rear end (Mulch Diggums hanging from a rope).)
* Artemis in jeans and a dumb t-shirt.
** "Dude."

* "Quantum zombies. I'd like to get a copy of that program."
* "Peace be inside me, tolerance around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so I may feed him his organs."
* Then there is this gem concerning the Kraken from the Time Paradox:
-->'''Holly:''' So... you're saying that Shelly is going to ''light a fart''?
-->'''Foaly:''' No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light '''THE''' fart!
** Foaly then goes on to say that the ''last'' time this much bodily gas was in one location was at the last dwarf tribal gathering.

* Everything N*1 says. EVERYTHING.
-->'''No.1''': I like [[ClusterFBomb swear toads]]. I have two at home named [[CensoredForComedy Bleep]] and [[PardonMyKlingon D'Arvit]]. They are often very rude to me, but I know they don't mean it.

* Artemis and Holly taunting Opal about their theft in ''The Opal Deception''. [[spoiler: Namely, gushing over her delicious truffles and how Mulch is really helping himself.]]
* Opal Koboi's line in ''The Opal Direction'' to the Brill brothers upon realizing that her plan has failed. It's very blunt and direct.
-->'''Opal''': YouHaveFailedMe. Enjoy prison.
* In ''The Lost Colony'' Artemis Fowl sums himself up in a single [[YouFightLikeACow snappy comeback]];
-->'''Kong''': I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just [[TeensAreMonsters boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?]]\\
'''Artemis''': We ''do'' steal stuff. Just ''[[ImpossibleTheft bigger]]'' stuff.
* Artemis winks at Holly to communicate that he has everything under control during a tense situation.
--> At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of [[spoiler:another kiss]] later?'
* "[[IllKillYou I'LL KILL YOU!]] YOU'LL BE MY NEXT TATTOO! YOU'LL BE MY NEXT TATTOO!"
* In a short story, Holly is undergoing the LEP recruitment trial, and she has to either avoid Commander Root for a full 24 hours, or else shoot him (with a paintball gun) before he shoots her. Unfortunately, while she's being hunted, there's a fiasco involving Turnball Root, and the mission goes sideways. Holly only saves the day by being her usual CowboyCop self, earning herself a chewing out from the commander. At the end, Root gives her one final chance to convince him not to flunk her. [[RefugeInAudacity She pulls out her paintball gun and shoots him in the chest]].
* Eoin Colfer's LampshadeHanging can often be quite funny. Examples include:
** Foaly noting Holly's CowboyCop nature:
--->'''Holly:''' Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the rulebook?
--->'''Foaly:''' I'm implying that you don't ''own'' a copy of the rulebook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it.
--->'''Holly:''' ...Fair point.
* At another point, Colfer has one of the best lampshades of the IdiotBall ''ever'':
--> "Any first-day chemistry student could have told Ragby never to put sparks near a mystery gas. Unfortunately, Ragby had never met any first-day chemistry students, so it came as a complete surprise when the gas passed by Mulch Diggums ignited, in a chain of miniature explosions."

* Apparently, [[NoodleIncident Holly and Trouble went on a disastrous date where they were kicked out of a crunchball match]]. One wonders just what they were doing...
* In a short story, Holly (pre-LEP) is wearing a traffic vest which shows her vocal commands. Unfortunately, she runs into a wave of gel, which shorts out the suit. Her last word, just before the gel hit, was "D'Arvit." And then she gets summoned to meet with Commander Root. Just imagine going to a job interview with a swear word written on your chest.
* In book 6, when Holly realizes Mulch stole her omnitool years ago and he tries to wriggle out of it before admitting to it and coming up with a FreudianExcuse.
-->"Where did you get this?" she shouted. "How did you get it?"\\
"A present," offered Mulch lamely. "From my... eh..." He squinted to read the writing on the base. "From my mother. She always called me Holly, because of my, erm, prickly personality."\\
Holly was angrier than Artemis had ever seen her. "Tell me, Diggums. The truth!"\\
Mulch thought about fighting. It was in the curve of his fingers and the baring of his teeth, but the moment passed quickly and the dwarf's natural passive nature surfaced.\\
"I stole all this stuff from Tara," he admitted. "I'm a thief, aren't I? But, in my defence, I had a difficult childhood, which led to low self-esteem, which I projected on to others, and punished them by stealing their possessions. So, in a very real way, I am the victim here. And ''I'' forgive ''me''."