Funny: Artemis Fowl
- "...I don't like lollipops..."
- When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.
- "Butler's eyebrows nearly jumped off his face. 'Santa Claus?'"
- "This building has been hit by more lasers than the Millennium Falcon."
- "That proves it....this must be a hallucination." ( Mind-wiped Artemis' reaction to the Bizarro Episode culminating in being saved by a talking rear end (Mulch Diggums hanging from a rope).
- Artemis in jeans and a dumb t-shirt.
- Just about every scene in the third book involving Pex and Chips.
- "Quantum zombies. I'd like to get a copy of that program."
- "Peace be inside me, tolerance around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so I may feed him his organs"
- Then there is this gem concerning the Kraken from the Time Paradox:
Holly: So... you're saying that Shelly is going to light a fart?Foaly: No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light THE fart!
- Foaly then goes on to say that the last time this much bodily gas was in one location was at the last dwarf tribal gathering.
- "One, don't call me Julius. Two, do what I say, horsey boy, or I'll have your budget slashed. And three, what in Frond's name is the cancan?"
- "It's not a lemur, it's a monkey!"
- Orion, since he's an expy of Don Quixote mixed with a Hormone-Addled Teenager.
Holly: Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals.Orion: Not me! I'm just a teenager with hormones running wild. And I must say, young fairy lady, they are running wild in your direction.Holly: This had better not be a game, Artemis. If you do not have some serious psychosis, you will be sorry.Orion: Oh, I'm crazy, all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality disorder, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.Foaly: That's not a bad line. He is definitely not Artemis.
- "Look, I scraped an F for Foaly."
- We should make a bivouac.
- Holly's priceless response to a bit of obstructiveness by the LEP.
Trouble Kelp: Sir no, is it? Your exact words were, and I quote—obviously since they are your exact words—you said that Artemis Fowl was 'crazier than a salt-water-drinking troll with ringworm.'
Holly: That was earlier. I have shot Artemis twice since then, and he's fine now.
- Everything N*1 says. EVERYTHING.
- The entire conversation between Gobdaw (possessing Myles' body) and Artemis in The Last Guardian. Artemis essentially trolls Gobdaw into revealing himself after pretending his spirit had left Myles' body.
- This bit from early in The Last Guardian:
"Hey," snapped Holly. "This is not the time to blame Artemis.""Thank you," said Artemis."Finally.""There will be plenty of time to blame Artemis later, when this is resolved."
- Especially funny because, for once, Artemis has done nothing wrong and is not even slightly at fault for the current situation.
- "I am Butler. Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy."
- And before that: "We lost the crickets."
- Myles and Beckett's reactions to Artemis putting a combination lock on his lab door - Myles works out the combination after three days of work and several rolls of toilet paper, and Beckett digs a bear trap for Myles and gives him the ladder in exchange for the code.
- Artemis and Holly taunting Opal about their theft in The Opal Deception. Namely, gushing over her delicious truffles and how Mulch is really helping himself.
- Opal Koboi's line in The Opal Direction to the Brill brothers upon realizing that her plan has failed. It's very blunt and direct.
Opal: You have failed me. Enjoy prison.
- In The Lost Colony Artemis Fowl sums himself up in a single snappy comeback;