Funny / Artemis Fowl

  • "...I don't like lollipops..."
  • When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.
  • "Butler's eyebrows nearly jumped off his face. 'Santa Claus?'"
  • "This building has been hit by more lasers than the Millennium Falcon."
  • "That proves it....this must be a hallucination." (Mind-wiped Artemis' reaction to the Bizarro Episode culminating in being saved by a talking rear end (Mulch Diggums hanging from a rope).
  • Artemis in jeans and a dumb t-shirt.
    • "Dude."
  • Just about every scene in the third book involving Pex and Chips. Especially the scene where Mulch Diggums tricks them into burying him alive.
    Mulch: You're right. I've got a smart mouth, and I deserve everything I've got coming to me. If it was me, I'd bury me alive.
    Chips: Bury you alive! That's terrible. You'd be screaming and clawing the dirt. I could get nightmares.
    Mulch: I promise to lie still. Anyway, I deserve it. I did call you a pair of overdeveloped, single-cell Cro-Magnons.
    Chips: Did you?
    Much: Well, I have now.
    Pex: Okay, Mr. Digence. You know what we're gonna go? We're gonna bury you alive!
    Mulch: Oh, the horror!
    Pex: You asked for it!
    Mulch: I did, didn't I?
    Pex: Nobody calls me an overdeveloped signal-bell crow magnet!
    Mulch: No, I bet nobody does...
    (later, after they've done the deed)
    Chips: That was horrible. Horrible! The poor little guy...
    Pex: Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us...all those things.
    Chips: But—buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know—the one with all the horror.
    Pex: I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?
    Chips: Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
    Pex: Don't worry, buddy. There are no words in this movie.
    Chips: Y'know, it's much more real than a movie when it's real.
    Pex: It's the smell. You can't smell stuff in a movie.
    Chips: Digence must been upset right there at the end.
    Pex: I'm not surprised.
    Chips: 'Cause I could see him cryin'. His shoulders were shaking, like he was laughing. But he must have been crying. I mean, what sort of crazy wacko would laugh when he's gettin' buried alive?
    Pex: He musta been crying.
    Chips: Yeah. He musta been crying.
    The very next line of text: Mulch was laughing so hard he nearly choked on the first shovelful of dirt.
  • "Quantum zombies. I'd like to get a copy of that program."
  • "Peace be inside me, tolerance around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so I may feed him his organs."
  • Then there is this gem concerning the Kraken from the Time Paradox:
    Holly: So... you're saying that Shelly is going to light a fart?
    Foaly: No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light THE fart!
    • Foaly then goes on to say that the last time this much bodily gas was in one location was at the last dwarf tribal gathering.
  • "One, don't call me Julius. Two, do what I say, horsey boy, or I'll have your budget slashed. And three, what in Frond's name is the cancan?"
  • "It's not a lemur, it's a monkey!"
  • Orion, since he's an expy of Don Quixote mixed with a Hormone-Addled Teenager.
    Holly: Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals.
    Orion: Not me! I'm just a teenager with hormones running wild. And I must say, young fairy lady, they are running wild in your direction.
    Holly: This had better not be a game, Artemis. If you do not have some serious psychosis, you will be sorry.
    Orion: Oh, I'm crazy, all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality disorder, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.
    Foaly: That's not a bad line. He is definitely not Artemis.
  • "Look, I scraped an F for Foaly!"
  • We should make a bivouac.
  • Holly's priceless response to a bit of obstructiveness by the LEP.
    Trouble Kelp: Sir no, is it? Your exact words were, and I quote —obviously, since they are your exact words— you said that Artemis Fowl was "crazier than a salt-water-drinking troll with ringworm."
    Holly: That was earlier. I have shot Artemis twice since then, and he's fine now.
  • Everything N*1 says. EVERYTHING.
    No.1: I like swear toads. I have two at home named Bleep and D'Arvit. They are often very rude to me, but I know they don't mean it.
  • The entire conversation between Gobdaw (possessing Myles' body) and Artemis in The Last Guardian. Artemis essentially trolls Gobdaw into revealing himself after pretending his spirit had left Myles' body.
  • This bit from early in The Last Guardian:
    "Hey," snapped Holly. "This is not the time to blame Artemis."
    "Thank you," said Artemis. "Finally."
    "There will be plenty of time to blame Artemis later, when this is resolved."
    • Especially funny because, for once, Artemis has done nothing wrong and is not even slightly at fault for the current situation.
  • "I am Butler. Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy."
  • Myles and Beckett's reactions to Artemis putting a combination lock on his lab door - Myles works out the combination after three days of work and several rolls of toilet paper, and Beckett digs a bear trap for Myles and gives him the ladder in exchange for the code.
  • Artemis and Holly taunting Opal about their theft in The Opal Deception. Namely, gushing over her delicious truffles and how Mulch is really helping himself.
  • Opal Koboi's line in The Opal Direction to the Brill brothers upon realizing that her plan has failed. It's very blunt and direct.
    Opal: You Have Failed Me. Enjoy prison.
  • In The Lost Colony Artemis Fowl sums himself up in a single snappy comeback;
    Kong: I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?
    Artemis: We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff.
  • Artemis winks at Holly to communicate that he has everything under control during a tense situation.
    At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?'