Funny / Artemis Fowl

  • After spending the whole of the first novel always getting the last word in any banter, Holly finally beats him to the punch and all Artemis can come out with is "...I don't like lollipops..."
  • When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.
  • "Butler's eyebrows nearly jumped off his face. 'Santa Claus?'"
  • "This building has been hit by more lasers than the Millennium Falcon."
  • "That proves it... this must be a hallucination." (Mind-wiped Artemis' reaction to the Bizarro Episode culminating in being saved by a talking rear end (Mulch Diggums hanging from a rope).
  • Artemis in jeans and a dumb t-shirt.
    • "Dude."
  • Just about every scene in the third book involving Pex and Chips. Especially the scene where Mulch Diggums tricks them into burying him alive.
    Mulch: You're right. I've got a smart mouth, and I deserve everything I've got coming to me. If it was me, I'd bury me alive.
    Chips: Bury you alive! That's terrible. You'd be screaming and clawing the dirt. I could get nightmares.
    Mulch: I promise to lie still. Anyway, I deserve it. I did call you a pair of overdeveloped, single-cell Cro-Magnons.
    Chips: Did you?
    Much: Well, I have now.
    Pex: Okay, Mr. Digence. You know what we're gonna go? We're gonna bury you alive!
    Mulch: Oh, the horror!
    Pex: You asked for it!
    Mulch: I did, didn't I?
    Pex: Nobody calls me an overdeveloped signal-bell crow magnet!
    Mulch: No, I bet nobody does...
    (later, after they've done the deed)
    Chips: That was horrible. Horrible! The poor little guy...
    Pex: Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us... all those things.
    Chips: But—buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know—the one with all the horror.
    Pex: I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?
    Chips: Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
    Pex: Don't worry, buddy. There are no words in this movie.
    Chips: Y'know, it's much more real than a movie when it's real.
    Pex: It's the smell. You can't smell stuff in a movie.
    Chips: Digence must been upset right there at the end.
    Pex: I'm not surprised.
    Chips: 'Cause I could see him cryin'. His shoulders were shaking, like he was laughing. But he must have been crying. I mean, what sort of crazy wacko would laugh when he's gettin' buried alive?
    Pex: He musta been crying.
    Chips: Yeah. He musta been crying.
    The very next line of text: Mulch was laughing so hard he nearly choked on the first shovelful of dirt.
  • "Quantum zombies. I'd like to get a copy of that program."
  • "Peace be inside me, tolerance around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so I may feed him his organs."
  • Then there is this gem concerning the Kraken from the Time Paradox:
    Holly: So... you're saying that Shelly is going to light a fart?
    Foaly: No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light THE fart!
    • Foaly then goes on to say that the last time this much bodily gas was in one location was at the last dwarf tribal gathering.
  • "One, don't call me Julius. Two, do what I say, horsey boy, or I'll have your budget slashed. And three, what in Frond's name is the cancan?"
  • "It's not a lemur, it's a monkey!"
  • Orion, since he's an expy of Don Quixote mixed with a Hormone-Addled Teenager.
    Holly: Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals.
    Orion: Not me! I'm just a teenager with hormones running wild. And I must say, young fairy lady, they are running wild in your direction.
    Holly: This had better not be a game, Artemis. If you do not have some serious psychosis, you will be sorry.
    Orion: Oh, I'm crazy, all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality disorder, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.
    Foaly: That's not a bad line. He is definitely not Artemis.
  • "Look, I scraped an F for Foaly!"
  • We should make a bivouac.
  • Holly's priceless response to a bit of obstructiveness by the LEP.
    Trouble Kelp: Sir now, is it? Your exact words were, and I quote — obviously, since they are your exact words — you said that Artemis Fowl was "crazier than a salt-water-drinking troll with ringworm."
    Holly: That was earlier. I have shot Artemis twice since then, and he's fine now.
  • Everything N*1 says. EVERYTHING.
    No.1: I like swear toads. I have two at home named Bleep and D'Arvit. They are often very rude to me, but I know they don't mean it.
  • The entire conversation between Gobdaw (possessing Myles' body) and Artemis in The Last Guardian. Artemis essentially trolls Gobdaw into revealing himself after pretending his spirit had left Myles' body.
  • This bit from early in The Last Guardian:
    "Hey," snapped Holly. "This is not the time to blame Artemis."
    "Thank you," said Artemis. "Finally."
    "There will be plenty of time to blame Artemis later, when this is resolved."
    • Especially funny because, for once, Artemis has done nothing wrong and is not even slightly at fault for the current situation.
  • "I am Butler. Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy."
  • Myles and Beckett's reactions to Artemis putting a combination lock on his lab door - Myles works out the combination after three days of work and several rolls of toilet paper, and Beckett digs a bear trap for Myles and gives him the ladder in exchange for the code.
  • Artemis and Holly taunting Opal about their theft in The Opal Deception. Namely, gushing over her delicious truffles and how Mulch is really helping himself.
  • Opal Koboi's line in The Opal Direction to the Brill brothers upon realizing that her plan has failed. It's very blunt and direct.
    Opal: You Have Failed Me. Enjoy prison.
  • In The Lost Colony Artemis Fowl sums himself up in a single snappy comeback;
    Kong: I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?
    Artemis: We do steal stuff. Just bigger stuff.
  • Artemis winks at Holly to communicate that he has everything under control during a tense situation.
    At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later?'
  • "I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'LL BE MY NEXT TATTOO! YOU'LL BE MY NEXT TATTOO!"
  • In a short story, Holly is undergoing the LEP recruitment trial, and she has to either avoid Commander Root for a full 24 hours, or else shoot him (with a paintball gun) before he shoots her. Unfortunately, while she's being hunted, there's a fiasco involving Turnball Root, and the mission goes sideways. Holly only saves the day by being her usual Cowboy Cop self, earning herself a chewing out from the commander. At the end, Root asks if she has anything left to do before she gets fired. She pulls out her paintball gun and shoots him in the chest.
  • Eoin Colfer's Lampshade Hanging can often be quite funny. Examples include:
    Holly: Are you implying that I occasionally stray from the rulebook?
    Foaly: I'm implying that you don't own a copy of the rulebook, and if you do, you've certainly never opened it.
    Holly: ...Fair point.
  • At another point, Colfer has one of the best lampshades of the Idiot Ball ever:
    "Any first-day chemistry student could have told Ragby never to put sparks near a mystery gas. Unfortunately, Ragby had never met any first-day chemistry students, so it came as a complete suprise when the gas passed by Mulch Diggums ignited, in a chain of miniature explosions."
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