* "[[LameComeback ...I don't like lollipops...]]"
* When Butler goes against his training and makes as much noise as he can (he's making a diversion). His shame over performing a spinning kick is just icing on the cake.
* "Butler's eyebrows nearly jumped off his face. 'Santa Claus?'"
* "This building has been hit by more lasers than the Millennium Falcon."
* "That proves it....this must be a hallucination." ([[spoiler:Mind-wiped Artemis']] reaction to the BizarroEpisode culminating in being saved by a talking rear end (Mulch Diggums hanging from a rope).
* Artemis in jeans and a dumb t-shirt.
* Just about every scene in the third book involving Pex and Chips. Especially the scene where Mulch Diggums [[BriarPatching tricks them into burying him alive]].
-->'''Mulch:''' You're right. I've got a smart mouth, and I deserve everything I've got coming to me. If it was me, I'd bury me alive.\\
'''Chips:''' Bury you alive! That's terrible. You'd be screaming and clawing the dirt. I could get nightmares.\\
'''Mulch:''' I promise to lie still. Anyway, I deserve it. I ''did'' call you a pair of overdeveloped, single-cell Cro-Magnons.\\
'''Chips:''' Did you?\\
'''Much:''' Well, I have now.\\
'''Pex:''' Okay, Mr. Digence. You know what we're gonna go? We're gonna bury you alive!\\
'''Mulch:''' Oh, the horror!\\
'''Pex:''' You asked for it!\\
'''Mulch:''' I did, didn't I?\\
'''Pex:''' Nobody calls ''me'' an overdeveloped signal-bell crow magnet!\\
'''Mulch:''' No, I bet nobody does...\\
''(later, after they've done the deed)''\\
'''Chips:''' That was horrible. Horrible! The poor little guy...\\
'''Pex:''' Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us...all those things.\\
'''Chips:''' But--buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know--the one with all the horror.\\
'''Pex:''' I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?\\
'''Chips:''' Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.\\
'''Pex:''' Don't worry, buddy. There are no words in this movie.\\
'''Chips:''' Y'know, it's much more real than a movie when it's real.\\
'''Pex:''' It's the smell. You can't smell stuff in a movie.\\
'''Chips:''' Digence must been upset right there at the end.\\
'''Pex:''' I'm not surprised.\\
'''Chips:''' 'Cause I could see him cryin'. His shoulders were shaking, like he was laughing. But he must have been crying. I mean, what sort of crazy wacko would laugh when he's gettin' buried alive?\\
'''Pex:''' He musta been crying.\\
'''Chips:''' Yeah. He musta been crying.\\
[[spoiler: '''The very next line of text:''' Mulch was laughing so hard he nearly choked on the first shovelful of dirt.]]
* "Quantum zombies. I'd like to get a copy of that program."
* "Peace be inside me, tolerance around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so I may feed him his organs."
* Then there is this gem concerning the Kraken from the Time Paradox:
-->Holly: So... you're saying that Shelly is going to ''light a fart''?
-->Foaly: No, I'm saying that Shelly is going to light '''THE''' fart!
** Foaly then goes on to say that the ''last'' time this much bodily gas was in one location was at the last dwarf tribal gathering.
* "One, [[InsistentTerminology don't]] [[TheyCallMeMisterTibbs call me]] [[RunningGag Julius]]. Two, do what I say, horsey boy, [[NewTechIsNotCheap or I'll have your budget slashed.]] And three, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking what in Frond's name is the cancan?]]"
* "It's not a lemur, it's a monkey!"
* Orion, since he's an expy of Literature/DonQuixote mixed with a HormoneAddledTeenager.
-->'''Holly:''' Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals.
-->'''Orion:''' Not me! I'm just a teenager with hormones running wild. And I must say, young fairy lady, they are running wild in your direction.
-->'''Holly:''' This had better not be a game, Artemis. If you do not have some serious psychosis, you will be sorry.
-->'''Orion:''' Oh, I'm crazy, all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality disorder, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.
-->'''Foaly:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny That's not a bad line.]] He is definitely not Artemis.
* "Look, I scraped an F for Foaly!"
* We should make a bivouac.
* Holly's priceless response to a bit of [[ObstructiveBureaucrat obstructiveness by the LEP]].
--> '''Trouble Kelp:''' ''Sir'' no, is it? Your ''exact'' words were, and I quote --obviously, since they are your exact words-- you said that Artemis Fowl was "crazier than a salt-water-drinking troll with ringworm."\\
'''Holly:''' That was earlier. I have [[ItMakesSenseInContext shot Artemis twice since then]], and he's fine now.
* Everything N*1 says. EVERYTHING.
-->'''No.1''': I like [[ClusterFBomb swear toads]]. I have two at home named [[CensoredForComedy Bleep]] and [[PardonMyKlingon D'Arvit]]. They are often very rude to me, but I know they don't mean it.
* The entire conversation between Gobdaw (possessing Myles' body) and Artemis in ''The Last Guardian''. Artemis essentially trolls Gobdaw into revealing himself after pretending his spirit had left Myles' body.
* This bit from early in The Last Guardian:
-->"Hey," snapped Holly. "This is not the time to blame Artemis."
-->"Thank you," said Artemis. "Finally."
-->"There will be plenty of time to blame Artemis later, when this is resolved."
** Especially funny because, for once, Artemis has done ''nothing wrong'' and is not even slightly at fault for the current situation.
* "I am Butler. Everything I say sounds tough. Now, get out of the lake, fairy."
** And before that: "[[ItMakesSenseInContext We lost the crickets.]]"
* Myles and Beckett's reactions to Artemis putting a combination lock on his lab door - Myles works out the combination after three days of work and several rolls of toilet paper, and Beckett digs a bear trap for Myles and gives him the ladder in exchange for the code.
* Artemis and Holly taunting Opal about their theft in ''The Opal Deception''. [[spoiler: Namely, gushing over her delicious truffles and how Mulch is really helping himself.]]
* Opal Koboi's line in ''The Opal Direction'' to the Brill brothers upon realizing that her plan has failed. It's very blunt and direct.
-->'''Opal''': YouHaveFailedMe. Enjoy prison.
* In ''The Lost Colony'' Artemis Fowl sums himself up in a single [[YouFightLikeACow snappy comeback]];
-->'''Kong''': I am so sick of you smart kids. Why can't you just [[TeensAreMonsters boost cars or steal stuff like normal kids?]]\\
'''Artemis''': We ''do'' steal stuff. Just ''[[ImpossibleTheft bigger]]'' stuff.
* Artemis winks at Holly to communicate that he has everything under control during a tense situation.
--> At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of [[spoiler:another kiss]] later?'
* "[[IllKillYou I'LL KILL YOU!]] YOU'LL BE MY NEXT TATTOO! YOU'LL BE MY NEXT TATTOO!"