History DeadpanSnarker / HARRYPOTTER

---> '''[=McGonagall=]''' Obviously I received it, or I would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom.

---> '''Umbridge:''' Yes, as gamekeeper fresh air must be so difficult to come by.

--->'''Dumbledore:''' Jokes? No, no, these are manners.

* Ron:

---> '''Moody''' Sorry, George--

---> '''Harry:'''Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn’t be able to walk and talk at the same time.

** In ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheDeathlyHallows Deathly Hallows]]'' [[spoiler: when Scrimgeour reads the trio the will of Albus Dumbledore]]. HilariousInHindsight because Scrimgeour and Harry ''both'' ended up being right.

---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter or yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.

** His response to [[spoiler: Dumbledore's order [[ItMakesSenseInContext to kill him]]]]:

'''Snape''': Speaking of dogs, did you know that Lucius Malfoy recognized you last time you risked a little jaunt outside? Clever idea, Black, getting yourself seen on a safe station platform . . . gave you a cast-iron excuse not to leave your hidey-hole in future, didn’t it?\\

---> '''Snape:''' Unless you wish to ''poison'' Potter... and I assure you I would be in the ''greatest'' sympathy with you if you did... I cannot help you.

---> "There is no character named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."

'''Harry:''' We got lost.
'''[=McGonagall=]:''' Then perhaps a map?

---> '''Harry:''' Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried sticking a sword in Voldemort? Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban.

Almost all of the Characters in Harry Potter as well as the author are very snarky. A few specific examples:

---> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once -
---> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' Or twice -
---> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' A minute -
---> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' All summer -

---> '''Moody:''' Arthur and Fred –

---> '''Moody''' Sorry, George –
---> '''Fred:''' I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really –

---> '''Harry:''' “And they’d love to have me,” said Harry sarcastically. “We’d be best pals if they didn’t keep trying to do me in.”

---> '''Scrimgeour:''' Why do you think -
---> '''Harry:''' Dumbledore would have given me the sword? [[note]] of Gryffindor[[/note]] ...Maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.
---> '''Scrimgeour:''' This is not a joke, Potter! ...Did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many, [[TheChosenOne that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?]]

---> '''Umbridge:''' I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec –?

---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests-

---> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.[[note]]For an extra burn, 'competant teacher' can pretty much only be in reference to [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent Remus Lupin]], who Umbridge [[FantasticRacism particularly hates]].[[/note]]

---> '''Hermione:''' I know what this is -- it's devil's snare!

---> '''Hagrid:''' I — I’ve been away for me health.

---> '''Hagrid:''' Yeah, bit o’ — o’ fresh air, yeh know —

-->'''Uncle Vernon''': I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house—

-->"[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Book Six]] is called ''The Toenail of Icklibõgg''—Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."

** In ''Sorcerer's/Philospher's Stone'':

-->'''Harry:''' Hang on, there's an empty chair at the staff table. Where's Snape?\\

* Mad Eye Moody

-->'''Mad Eye''': I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursley.

---> '''Scrimgeour:''' ''[scratching his baldy shaven cheek and scrutinizing Harry]'' Why do you think -
---> '''Harry:''' ''[struggling to keep his temper]'' - Dumbledore would have given me the sword? [[note]] of Gryffindor[[/note]] ...Maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.

---> '''Harry:''' There's no need to call me "sir," Professor.

** In ''Prisoner of Azkaban'':

---> '''Harry:''' No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick.

---> Harry (while looking into the bowl): Oh, I didn't realize it had to be so wet.
---> Petunia: Don't be stupid, I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished.

--> '''Professor Trelawney:''' Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?
--> '''Ron:''' ''[whispering to Harry]'' I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.

--> '''Harry:''' Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?
--> '''Ron:''' So he can sneak up on people. Sometimes he gets tired of running at them and shrieking.

--> '''Harry:''' If I dropped dead every time that old bat said I would, I'd be a medical miracle.
--> '''Ron:''' You'd actually be a kind of extra-concentrated ghost.

--> '''Hermione:''' Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all.
--> '''Ron:''' Which would be a real comfort to me, I'm sure.

--> '''Hermione:''' Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read ''Hogwarts: A History.''
--> '''Ron:''' Just you, then.

* In ''Philosopher's Stone'', after the Trio lands in the first obstacle room:

--->'''Harry:''' Don't call Hermione "simple!"\\

--> '''Hermione:''' I know what this is -- it's devil's snare!
--> '''Ron:''' Great, we know what its name is. That's a huge help.

---> "I've already answered this in [=FAQs=], but as this rumour is still cropping up in fan letters I thought I'd reiterate here that there will be NO chapter called 'Lupin's Papers' in [[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince book six]], nor will there be chapters entitled [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal 'Pettigrew's Pamphlets', 'Sirius's Circulars']] or 'The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape'."

** Can't forget the twins' CrowningMomentOfFunny when Mrs. Weasley freaks out about Ron being a prefect:

** While planning to move Harry from the Dursleys:

-->'''Draco:''' Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be going backwards.

--> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
--> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once -
--> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' Or twice -
--> '''2nd Weasley Twin:''' A minute -
--> '''1st Weasley Twin:''' All summer -

--> '''Mrs. Weasley:''' Oh, that's wonderful! That's everyone in the family!
--> '''George:''' What are Fred and I? Next door neighbors?

--> '''Moody:''' Arthur and Fred –
--> '''Twin:''' I’m George. Can’t you even tell us apart when we’re Harry?
--> '''Moody''' Sorry, George –
--> '''Fred:''' I’m only yanking your wand, I’m Fred really –
--> '''Moody:''' ''[Angrily]'' Enough messing around!

--> '''Dudley:''' They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice?
--> '''Harry:''' No thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head in it; it might be sick.

--> Harry (while looking into the bowl): Oh, I didn't realize it had to be so wet.
--> Petunia: Don't be stupid, I'm dyeing some of Dudley's old things gray for you. It'll look just like everyone else's when I've finished.

--> '''Dudley:''' I know what day it is.
--> '''Harry:''' Well done. You've finally learned the days of the week.

--> '''Dudley:''' Not this brave at night, are you?
--> '''Harry:''' This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this.

--> '''Draco:''' You're dead, Potter.
--> '''Harry:''' Funny, you'd think I'd have stopped walking around...

--> '''Draco:''' You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.
--> '''Harry:''' Yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git.

--> '''Harry:''' Yeah, Quirrell was a great teacher. There was just that minor drawback of him having Lord Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head!

--> '''Harry:''' Yes.
--> '''Snape:''' Yes ''sir''.
--> '''Harry:''' There's no need to call me "sir," Professor.

--> '''Scrimgeour:''' ''[scratching his baldy shaven cheek and scrutinizing Harry]'' Why do you think -
--> '''Harry:''' ''[struggling to keep his temper]'' - Dumbledore would have given me the sword? [[note]] of Gryffindor[[/note]] ...Maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.
--> '''Scrimgeour:''' This is not a joke, Potter! ...Did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many, [[TheChosenOne that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?]]
--> '''Harry:''' Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried sticking a sword in Voldemort? Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban.

--> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' I hardly think that matters, Sybil, unless there is a mad axeman waiting outside the hall to decapitate the first person to leave.

--> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' You look perfectly healthy to me, Potter, so you'll forgive me if I don't let you off homework. I assure you that if you die, you need not hand it in.

--> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Well, I'm glad that you listen to Hermione Granger, at any rate.

--> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr. Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter or yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.

--> '''Umbridge:''' I was just wondering, Professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec –?
--> '''[=McGonagall=]''' Obviously I received it, or I would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom.

--> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' Potter has achieved high marks in all his Defense Against the Dark Arts tests-
--> '''Umbridge:''' I’m terribly sorry to have to contradict you, Minerva, but as you will see from my note, Harry has been achieving very poor results in his classes with me.
--> '''[=McGonagall=]:''' I should have made my meaning plainer. He has achieved high marks in all Defense Against the Dark Arts tests set by a competent teacher.[[note]]For an extra burn, 'competant teacher' can pretty much only be in reference to [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent Remus Lupin]], who Umbridge [[FantasticRacism particularly hates]].[[/note]]

-->'''[=McGonagall=]:''' I wonder [''turning on Umbridge''] how you expect to gain an understanding of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.

-->'''Harry:''' Don't call Hermione "simple!"\\

--> '''Hermione:''' Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!
--> '''Ron:''' "Kill us ''faster''?" Oh, ''now'' I can relax!

--> '''Snape:''' What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter? Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade. No part of your body has permission to be in Hogsmeade.

--> '''Snape:''' Miss Granger has developed a taste for famous wizards which Potter alone cannot... satisfy.

--> '''Snape:''' Oh, very good. Yes, it is easy to see that nearly six years of magical education have not been wasted on you, Potter. "Ghosts are transparent."

--> '''Snape:''' Your evidence?
--> '''Harry:''' I just know.
--> '''Snape:''' You just... know. ''[long pause]'' Once again, you astonish me with your gifts, Potter, gifts mere mortals can only ''dream'' of possessing. How grand it must be... to be TheChosenOne.

--> '''Snape:''' ''[voice heavy with irony]'' Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?

--> '''Umbridge''': You applied first for the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, is that correct?
--> '''Snape''': Yes.
--> '''Umbridge''': But you were unsuccessful?
--> '''Snape''': Obviously.

--> '''Snape:''' Unless you wish to ''poison'' Potter... and I assure you I would be in the ''greatest'' sympathy with you if you did... I cannot help you.

-->'''Harry''' I don't wan't to stay overnight. I wan't to find [=McLaggen=] and kill him!

-->'''Uncle Vernon''': I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house-

-->"[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Book Six]] is called ''The Toenail of Icklibõgg'' -- Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."

-->"The Pyramids of Furmat lie a few miles east of the famous Fortress of Shadows, not far from the magnificent Pillar of Storgé. Many tourists prefer to view these ancient monuments at night, when they are illuminated by the Green Flame Torch." (Those are all previously rumored titles.)

--> "He had as much input into ''Harry Potter'' as I had in ''Literature/ATaleOfTwoCities''."

--> "I've already answered this in [=FAQs=], but as this rumour is still cropping up in fan letters I thought I'd reiterate here that there will be NO chapter called 'Lupin's Papers' in [[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince book six]], nor will there be chapters entitled [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal 'Pettigrew's Pamphlets', 'Sirius's Circulars']] or 'The Pocket Crosswords of Severus Snape'."

--> "There is no character named 'Icicle' in Book Six. There is however, a Professor Bicycle."

--> Harry (while looking into the bowl): Oh, I didn't realize it had to be so wet."