History DeadpanSnarker / HARRYPOTTER

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--->'''Dudley:''' They flush people's heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall. Want to practice?\\

--->'''Harry ''(while looking into the bowl)'':''' Oh, I didn't realize it had to be so wet.\\

--->'''Dudley:''' I know what day it is.\\

---> '''Uncle Vernon''': "Dumpy sort of woman... load of children with red hair?"
--->'''Narration:''' Harry frowned. He thought it was a bit rich of Uncle Vernon to call anyone 'dumpy', when his own son had finally achieved what he'd been threatening to do since the age of three, and become wider than he was tall.

--->'''Harry:''' Not as stupid as you look, are you, Dud? But I s'pose, if you were, you wouldn't be able to walk and talk at the same time.

--->'''Harry:''' Yeah? Did he say you look like a pig that's been taught to walk on its hind legs? 'Cause that's not cheek, Dud, that's true…

--->'''Draco:''' You think you're such a big man, Potter. You wait. I'll have you. You can't land my father in prison.\\

'''Snape:''' Yes ''sir''.\\

'''Harry:''' Dumbledore would have given me the sword? [[note]] of Gryffindor[[/note]] …maybe he thought it would look nice on my wall.\\
'''Scrimgeour:''' This is not a joke, Potter! ...did he give you that sword, Potter, because he believed, as do many, [[TheChosenOne that you are the one destined to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named?]]\\
'''Harry:''' Interesting theory. Has anyone ever tried [[MundaneSolution sticking a sword in Voldemort?]] Maybe the Ministry should put some people onto that, instead of wasting their time stripping down Deluminators or covering up breakouts from Azkaban.

-->'''Hagrid:''' What're you doin' here? Get outta my house!\\

-->'''Madam Pomfrey:''' I'm keeping you in overnight. You shouldn't overexert yourself for a few hours.\\

-->'''Uncle Vernon:''' I am not aware that it is any of your business what goes on in my house—\\
'''Mad-Eye:''' I expect what you're not aware of would fill several books, Dursley.

** Some great ones from Order of the Phoenix:

--->'''[=McGonagall=]:''' I wonder ''(turning on Umbridge)'' how you expect to gain an understanding of my usual teaching methods if you continue to interrupt me? You see, I do not generally permit people to talk when I am talking.

-->'''Harry:''' Don't call Hermione "simple"!\\
'''Phineas Nigellus Black:''' (''sighs'') I grow weary of contradiction.

'''Ron:''' ''[whispering to Harry]'' I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.

--->'''Hermione:''' Everyone knows. Well, everyone who has read ''Hogwarts: A History.''\\

--->'''Harry:''' If I dropped dead every time that old bat said I would, I'd be a medical miracle.\\

'''Snape:''' You just... know. ''[long pause]'' Once again, you astonish me with your gifts, Potter, gifts mere mortals can only ''dream'' of possessing. How grand it must be... to be TheChosenOne.

--->'''Snape:''' ''[voice heavy with sarcasm]'' Would you like me to do it now? Or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?

** When [[TyrantTakesTheHelm Umbridge]] (The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher) inspects him in book five:

'''Snape:''' I am here on Dumbledore's orders — but by all means stay, Black. I know you like to feel... involved.\\

'''Snape:''' Merely that I am sure you must feel — ah — frustrated by the fact that you can do nothing ''useful'' for the Order.\\

-->'''Voldemort:''' I'm going to sit here and watch you die. Take your time Potter, I'm in no hurry.

-->"[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Book Six]] is called ''The Toenail of Icklibõgg'' — Well, if you believed the '[Pillar of] Storgé' one..."

** In an apparent continuation of the trend of silly-sounding titles, she gave Ron a few titles for [[StoryWithinAStory stories within the story]] (''[[{{Defictionalization}} Tales of Beedle the Bard]]'') within [[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheDeathlyHallows the story]], including "Babbity-Rabbity and Her Cackling Stump." This, in her own words, "is the ''stupidest'' title ever invented by man or beast." She ended up on the [[HoistByHisOwnPetard receiving end of the snark]] when she later decided to actually write stories to go with the titles. [[note]]Apparently there was a window of time when she knew she was going to write the stories and could still go back and change the titles in ''Deathly Hallows'', but she decided [[ThrowItIn she liked the idea of seeing what stories came from the bizarre titles]].[[/note]]

--->"Well, you see," said Hermione [to Harry], with the patient air of one explaining that one plus one equals two to an overemotional toddler [...]

--->'''Dumbledore:''' Good evening, Amycus. And you've brought Alecto too… [[SarcasmMode charming…]]\\

** Harry's very first [[SugarWiki/FunnyMoments Crowning Moment of Snark]] comes early on in ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndThePhilosophersStone Philosopher's Stone]]'':

** A few passages later on in the same book, Harry found what looked like rags floating in smelly gray water, in a bowl in the kitchen sink, when he went in for breakfast, and was told it was his school uniform for Stonewall High:

** In ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheChamberOfSecrets Chamber of Secrets]]'', on Harry's birthday:

** From ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheGobletOfFire Goblet of Fire]]'':
--->'''Narration:''' Harry thought it was a bit rich of Uncle Vernon to call anyone 'dumpy', when his own son had finally achieved what he'd been threatening to do since the age of three, and become wider than he was tall.
** From ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheOrderOfThePhoenix Order of the Phoenix]]'':

** Later in the same conversation:

** And:

** Also from the fifth book:

** And later in that same conversation:

** Book Five again:

** And again:

** In [[Film/HarryPotterAndTheOrderOfThePhoenix the film]]:

** Harry has another [[SugarWiki/FunnyMoments Crowning Moment of Snark]] in the [[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheHalfBloodPrince Half-Blood Prince]]:

** In ''[[Literature/HarryPotterAndTheDeathlyHallows Deathly Hallows]]'', [[spoiler:when Scrimgeour reads the trio the will of Albus Dumbledore]]. HilariousInHindsight because Scrimgeour and Harry ''both'' ended up being right.