History Awesome / SchlockMercenary

* After fending off the [[EldritchAbomination Pa'anuri,]] for years, [[DeusEstMachina Petey]] is finally at the end of his rope. [[DarkestHour His main power source has been destroyed, the Pa'anuri are on the offensive with a massive armada, and he's being bombarded with LongShot strikes from Andromeda]]. The ''only'' card up his sleeve is to teleport a small strikeforce to a galaxy teeming with planet sized monstrosities in a desperate counterattack. He puts all his faith in [[WalkingDisasterArea Schlock]] without hesitation. Let that sink in; the [[AGodAmI most powerful being in the Milky Way]], with all his resources and knowledge, turns to ''Schlock'' in his hour of need.

* A minor reveal, but an important one: The Pa'nuri are TERRIFIED of Tagon's Toughs and Petey. The {{Eldritch Abomination}}s? That are winning? ARE STILL TERRIFIED.

* The Pa'anuri ready to fire the shot that might save them from Schlock... and then [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-13 Ennesby, having hacked into their datastream, turns it into the shot that wins the war]]. The Pa'anuri made the rookie mistake of putting a transponder on [[WaveMotionGun their Hypercannon, the one that killed half the Toughs in Outer Uuple, eradicated Parnassus Dom, wrecked Petey's core generator, and crippled LOTA]]... and Ennesby alters the coordinates at the last second so it [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-14 shoots its own damn self in the back]]. The resulting explosion is intense enough to match a type IIn Supernova and will eventually be seen from earth.

* It really cannot be overstated just how much Tagon's crew accomplished in so short a time. Through the swift exploitation of several lucky flukes, abuse of every tactical error the Pa'anuri make, a few acts of crucial sabotage, turning their enemies own weapons against them, a series of bold (read: desperate) maneuvers that managed to pay off, and the actions of the most voracious sergeant in two galaxies, the mercenaries utterly dismantle the war machine of a bi-galactic terror in a matter of days. Their victory is so swift and total that when Petey arrives to formally surrender to the Pa'anuri, he is shocked to discover the war already won.

'''Pa'anuri commander:''' The ship has been taken over by some supper-Byronic lifeform. To quote group five's deposed commander, "Kill it now, or it will devour us all".

--> '''Pa'anuri long-gun operator:''' We're firing on our own ship?\\

** Tagon's actions in the meantime bear mentioning too. He's trapped in a Teraport Denial bubble by a dark matter entity that's busy chucking pieces of planet at his vessel, waiting for a fabricator vessel far away to send him munitions through a teraport cage... and then he realizes, since it's two ways, he can just [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-05-07 chuck one of his teraport munitions through the cage]] and have the fab vessel [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-05-09 teraport it right back]].

* Pa'anuri are so scared of Sergeant Schlock, they think the word "monster" isn't enough, but have nothing better. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-20 Thanks to Murtaugh Schlock knows a perfect word for this - "mundivore", aka "world-eater".]]

* It really cannot be overstated just how much Tagon's crew accomplished in so short a time. Through the swift exploitation of several lucky flukes, abuse of every tactical error found, a few acts of crucial sabotage, turning their enemies own weapons against them, a series of bold (read: desperate) maneuvers that actually paid off, and the actions of the most voracious sergeant in two galaxies, the mercenaries utterly dismantle the war machine of a bi-galactic terror in a matter of days. Their victory is so swift and total that when Petey arrives to formally surrender to the Pa'anuri, he is shocked to discover the war already won.

* It really cannot be understated just how much Tagon's crew accomplished in so short a time. Through the swift exploitation of several lucky flukes, a few acts of crucial sabotage, turning their enemies own weapons against them, a series of bold (read: desperate) maneuvers that actually paid off, and the actions of the most voracious sergeant in two galaxies, the mercenaries utterly dismantle the war machine of a bi-galactic terror in a matter of days. Their victory is so swift and total that when Petey arrives to formally surrender to the Pa'anuri, he is shocked to discover the war already won.

* The Pa'anuri ready to fire the shot that might save them from Schlock... and then [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-13 Ennesby, having hacked into their datastream, turns it into the shot that wins the war]]. The Pa'anuri made the rookie mistake of putting a transponder on [[WaveMotionGun their Hypercannon, the one that killed half the Toughs in Outer Uuple, eradicated Parnassus Dom and wrecked Petey's core generator]]... and Ennesby alters the coordinates at the last second so it [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-14 shoots its own damn self in the back]]. The resulting explosion is intense enough to match a type IIn Supernova and will eventually be seen from earth.

--> Good work. We know they don't want to be hit by missiles ''and'' got a good look at their point defenses. Now keep streaming. Our next task is to show people what that monstrosity uses to kill us.

* The Pa'anuri ready to fire the shot that might save them from Schlock... and then [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-13 Ennesby, having hacked into their datastream, turns it into the shot that wins the war]]. The Pa'anuri made the rookie mistake of putting a transponder on [[WaveMotionGun their Hypercannon, the one that killed half the Toughs in Outer Uuple, eradicated Parnassus Dom and wrecked Petey's core generator]]... and Ennesby alters the coordinates at the last second so it [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-14 shoots its own damn self in the back]].

--> Good work. We know they don't want to be hit by missiles ''and'' got a good look at their point defenses. Now keep streaming. People need to see how this thing kills us.

** So much so, they're trying to offer Schlock terms of surrender. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-06-09 ''Their'' surrender]].

--> '''Ennesby:''' This is VERY Bad! They're about to shoot Schlock's ship!
--> '''Kevin:''' Can you cut power to the weapon?
--> '''Ennesby:''' No, not from here.
--> '''Tagon:''' Can you Jiggle their aim?
--> '''Ennesby:''' The weapon is [[StarKilling the size of a planetary orbit]] and fires through wormholes. It does not "Jiggle". And after one shot, the Pa'anuri gunner will see EXACTLY how they were hacked, and then we are dead and done. One shot. Wars can't be won with just... one... Oh. ''[[EurekaMoment Oh my]]''. You utterly transcendent idiots should ''not'' have put a transponder here! Somebody make a window; you're gonna want to see this!"
[Meanwhile...]
--> '''Pa'anuri Gunner:''' A precision shot would be artful, but there is no art at all in failing to take out your target. [[ItSeemedLikeAGoodIdeaAtTheTime Go wide]].
--> '''Narrator:''' ''(As the the most powerful and longest ranged weapon within 12,000,000 light years shoots itself in the back)'' Depending on the observer, there definitely CAN be an art in failing to take out your target.

--> '''Pa'anuri Gunner:''' A precision shot would be artful, but there is no art at all in failing to take out your target. [[ItSeemedLikeAGoodIdeaAtTheTime
Go wide]].

--> '''Ennesby:''' (Resigned) "After one shot, the Pa'anuri gunner will see EXACTLY how they were hacked, and then we are dead and done. One shot. Wars can't be won with just... one... Oh. [[Eureka Moment Oh my]]. You utterly transcendent idiots should ''not'' have put a transponder here! Somebody make a window; you're gonna want to see this!"

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-26 "I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?"]] To summarize in three words: Dark Matter Schlock. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-29 And how does he plan to actually battle the Pa'anuri?]] Why, the main way he knows how, by ''[[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-30 eating them]]''. A scant few minutes later, the battle is won, and [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-05-10 Dark Matter Schlock has grown enough to eat the sun, and is hungry for more Pa'anuri]].

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-26 "I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?"]] To summarize in three words: Dark Matter Schlock. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-29 And how does he plan to actually battle the Pa'anuri?]] Why, the main way he knows how, by ''[[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-30 eating them]]''.

--->'''Schlock:''' I don't ''care'' how big their spaceship is, I'm not gonna sit here and let them explode other people's planets.
--->'''Liz:''' You can't fight them with just a Plazma Cannon Sergent.
--->'''Schlock:''' I'm not planning to. The Plasma cannon is for fighting whoever sent them. Captain, Tagon, if we want to save the Galaxy, we need to get to Andromeda. Let's go.

* After fending off the [[EldritchAbomination Pa'anuri,]] for years, [[DeusEstMachina Petey]] is finally at the end of his rope. [[DarkestHour His main power source has been destroyed, the Pa'anuri are on the offensive with a massive armada, and he's being bombarded with LongShot strikes from Andromeda]]. The ''only'' card up his sleeve is to teleport a small strikeforce to a galaxy teaming with planet sized monstrosities in a desperate counterattack. He puts all his faith in [[WalkingDisasterArea Schlock]] without hesitation. Let that sink in; the [[AGodAmI most powerful being in the Milky Way]], with all his resources and knowledge, turns to ''Schlock'' in his hour of need.

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-26 "I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?"]] To summarize in three words: Dark Matter Schlock. [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-29 Preparing to eat other Dark Matter entities.]]

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-26 "I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?"]] To summarize in three words: Dark Matter Schlock.

* [[https://www.schlockmercenary.com/2020-04-26 "I'm hungry. Is anyone else hungry?"]]

* A minor reveal, but an important one: The Pa'nuri are TERRIFIED of Tagon's Toughs and Petey. The EldritchAbominations? That are winning? ARE STILL TERRIFIED.