(sobbing) This Movie Took Years Off My Life.
My God my God my God this movie is bad. I mean wow, this is it, the worst fucking movie ever made, right here! Why? Where do I begin.
First, this is not one movie. This is three movies that have been compressed into two and a half hours, and yet none of them feel finished. Yes, despite this movie being two and a half hours long, it feels like the ending is missing, bravo Mr. Kelly.
The plot of Southland Tales is...I have no idea. I honestly do not know what this is about. I realized I didn't know when I saw two cars having sex (yes really), and the images of Republican midgets wearing rain coats, or fat woman holding men at gun point so they could give them blow jobs made me realize I didn't care what this movie was about.
The characters are...dear God. Their are so many characters I might as well begin with the main...I think? I have no idea who is the star of this piece of shit, but if I had to guess I'd go with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. He plays a Republican movie star who has amnesia, has written a script that predicts the future (this never becomes important), is engaged to the daughter of the Republican VP canidate (Nor does this), is fucking a porn star (or this), was once thrown through a hole in the 4th dimension (or this), and who likes to twiddle his fingers. Just imagine a cast of about 50 people like that, including whiggers who say "Dawg" all the time, clone Stifflers, or porn star Buffy.
This movie is a masterpiece of bad. Their is so much happening like random musical numbers, Bible quotes, and time travel that it makes no sense and is actualy hard to watch. What makes this the worst movie ever though is this fact. At the most basic level, movies are entertainment. Not art, not expression, they were created to entertain. When a movie fails to be entertaining, it has failed at it's most simple goal. This movie doesn't just fail to entertain, at times it's painful or offensive to watch.
This movie is a nearly 3 hour long turd. Avoid at all costs.