All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

"Ho-hum," the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham in ruins. His Jokerettes decorating the walls. Batman's head at his feet. "This won't do," he complained. "Not like this! It lacked panache! It didn't have enough pizzazz! Batman's death deserved better!"

"Then, what will you do?" Sayo asked, hanging in mid-air behind him.

"I'll just do it all over again, but with a TWEEEEEEEST!" the Clown Prince proclaimed, stomping over to what used to be Chao and retrieving her Cassiopeia.

.....

"Ho-ho-hum!" the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham was burning. His Jokerettes were crispy. Batman and Robin were black as charcoal. "No, no, too Firefly!," he protested. "It's still all wrong! I can't even see them smiling this way! It's even worse than before!"

"Another try, Daddy?" Sayo guessed.

He nodded firmly, pulling the watch back out. "Another try, yes!"

.........

"Ho-ho-ho-hum!-!" the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham was a nuclear wasteland now, and it felt very hot inside of his lead lined protection suit. Even Evangeline had been reduced to something barely recognizable. Batman and Robin had been melded together in a grotesque crumbling sculpture. "You know what? No. No way. It was funny at first, with the first few explosions and the glowing lights, but... no, death by radiation isn't the way to go, either. A shame, after all the work involved in getting all that uronium and plutonium. It lacks the personal, warm touch all good genocide must have! Don't you agree, Sayo?"

The cute ghost yawned. "Try again?"

He snorted. "What do you think?"

................

"... I knew it'd eventually get to this," the Joker evaluated the situation all around himself. All of Gotham driven mad, the masses rioting, pillaging and raping each other. His thirty girls piling up on Robin suffocating him under their combined weight. "I don't mind the utter chaos part, but when everyone's insane, what point is there on being insane? It makes me... normal! Ew, I feel so dirty! Sayo! Take notes!"

A sigh. "Yes, Daddy?"

"Last time I follow one of Haruna's plans!"

"Something else, Daddy?"

"Yes! Last time I mix love potion and Joker venom and unleash it all over Gotham!" He took one look over his shoulder and cringed. "I don't need to see Bats and Bane like THAT ever again!"

As her father grabbed the Cassiopeia once again, Sayo asked, "Daddy?"

"Yes, dearie?"

"Next try, whatever you do, can you try and get me a body? I can't believe I'm still the only one who hasn't humped Robin-kun to literal death..."

“Yue!”

“Huh?” She shivered for a moment as she snapped out of her trance. “What?”

“What are your thoughts on Nodoka's alternate explanation for Chisame's panties?”

“Oh, that.” Yue cleared her throat. “Well, I think it's more likely that the explanation you gave. We know that such things do, of course, happen.”

“We have seduction and laziness as our two possible explanations.” Haruna said to no one in particular. “Do we have any other theories?”

“I, uh, have another idea...” The group turned to Nodoka, whose face was only slightly less red. Although this time the flushing was partially the result of frustration at Haruna. Her hands were clamped on the front of her skirt, guarding against any more of Haruna's antics.

“Well, let's hear it!”

“Well, is it possible that the panties are part of one of Chisame's costumes?”

“Costumes? What are you talking about?” Asuna scratched her head in confusion as she spoke. “Why would she be wearing a costume?”

“You mean you don't know?” Haruna gaped at Asuna in a rare display of genuine shock.

“What don't I know?” Asuna asked.

“Okay okay okay, I thought everybody knew about this by now.” Haruna shook her head as if she were ashamed of Asuna's ignorance. “You are familiar with the online cosplay model known as 'Chiu', right? The number one internet idol?”

“How could I not be? You can't go on the internet without hearing about her.”

“Well, that's actually Chisame.”

Asuna simply stared at Haruna, her brain working furiously to determine whether or not her classmate was trying to screw with her. Almost a full minute elapsed before Asuna managed a coherent reply.

“What.”

“Chisame is actually Chiu, the internet idol. I know, nobody saw that coming.”

“Y-you can't be serious!” Asuna stammered. “I've known her for years! There's no way she could be a famous model! She's too, too normal!”

Haruna chuckled at Asuna's skepticism.

“Nodoka and Yue will corroborate my story.”

The two girl nodded.

“So...” Asuna said, “she's not just messing with my head.”

“Nope.” Yue answered, “Chisame and Chiu are one and the same. It was a surprise for me as well.”

“You're in cahoots with her!” Asuna thrust a finger at Haruna. “Cahoots, I say! This is just some sort of April Fools joke or something! Even though it isn't April! With you people that's probably part of the joke.”

“Fine fine, we'll just have to prove it. Hakase, run the facial recognition program.”

“Affirmative.” The console beep and flashed a few times before displaying two images on the main screen, one of Chisame and one of Chiu. There were a few more fancy CG effects, and the two images began to overlap each other. Asuna's eyes widened as the faces lined themselves up perfectly. There was a final series of beeps, and a small “match confirmed” notice began to blink in the corner of the screen.

“Believe me now?” Haruna asked?

“WHY THE HELL DIDN'T I EVER NOTICE THAT!-?”

“Now that Chisame's dual identity has been established...” Haruna turned away, ignoring the fact that Asuna had been reduced to frustrated muttering by the revelation. “...we can return to speculation on what on earth Chisame and Takahata are up to. Hakase, do you have records of anything else that Chisame purchased during the shopping trip where she bought the panties?”

Hakase held up the enormous paper and began to scan it.

“Black thigh-high socks, a miniskirt, a corset, high heels...also a number of sewing supplies and textiles.”

“Sounds like a costume to me.” Yue said.

“Hakase!” Haruna barked. “I need you to to analyze those articles of clothing and compare them to all the photo sets that Chiu has uploaded in the time since she purchased the panties!”

Hakase nodded, punched some more buttons, and the computer once again buzzed to life.

“It appears that the corset, skirt, and stockings worn in this picture set, which was upload at roughly 2 a.m. this morning.” Hakase pointed at the screen, which was rapidly filling with thumbnails of Chisame wearing a surprisingly skimpy maid uniform. “The skirt isn't quite tight enough to determine if she's wearing this specific set of panties. There are several pictures which are taken from an angle that would theoretically allow us a view of her panties, but in practice these pictures are too indistinct to gather any useful information.”

“Yeah, she does tend to self-censor.” Haruna stroked her chin as she stared at the pictures. “Even though she'd get even more hits if she tossed in the occasional panty shot. Although we seem to have a bigger problem on our hands.”

“What exactly would that be?” Asuna asked. She rubbed her forehead, trying to stave off a Haruna-induced headache.

“We're back to square one.” Yue grumbled. “Analysis of the panties was inconclusive. We can't determine anything about Chisame and Takahata's relationship based on her underwear because there are other reasons that she might be wearing them.”

“So you mean this whole big spy mission didn't accomplish anything other than telling me that Chisame is actually a famous cosplayer?”

“That seems to be the case.” Nodoka said as she put a hand on Asuna's shoulder. “Don't worry, Chisame just doesn't seem like the kind of person to-”

“LIKE WE'RE GOING TO LEAVE IT AT THAT!” Haruna shoved Nodoka away and locked an arm around Asuna. “This is merely a a cursory attempt at gathering information. A reconnaissance mission, if you will. We're just getting started! Hakase, ready plan B.”

The scientist nodded, and drew the single-buttoned remote from her labcoat and punched the button.. There was a low woosh as the console flickered into darkness, followed by a grinding as it folded back into the wall. She turned back to Haruna.

“The necessary preparations are already in place.”

“Well, let's get on the move then!”

Nodoka and Yue watched silently as Haruna dragged Asuna down the tunnel, Hakase following behind them. Yue let out a sigh.

“I suppose we should follow them?”

Nodoka stood for only a moment before beginning to stride down the passage. She looked back over her shoulder.

“Why not?”

Yue shrugged and joined her friend as they headed down the tunnel.

"— no, we haven't done it yet! We're giving ourselves our time, okay?"

"— no, I haven't done it with anyone else, either! What you heard must be an exaggeration!"

"— no, I won't do it with you, either!"

"— yes, I *do* write and draw *those* doujinshi! Glad to see you're a fan! I also do commissions, you know!"

Rito looked like he wanted to faint.

Yui gave their teacher a mortified look. "Mikado-sensei, shouldn't you stop this and get our activities back on track?"

The young teacher only smiled. "Ah, it's only a short break, Kotegawa-san! What harm is there on it?"

Right then, the girl with sandy wavy short hair clamped her hands on Haruna's chest from behind. "Oh dear, Rito-kun...! You naughty man, you! Behind all our backs, you went and got yourself a middle school girlfriend, and she's STACKED!"

A pale, livid Yui turned back to Mikado-sensei. "H-How indecent! Sensei, aren't you going to—" She deflated upon seeing the adult woman polishing her nails without any care in the world. "— Forget it."

Yui was about to step in herself and separate both involved parties when Haruna turned around with a wide, intimidating grin on. She looked at Rito, pointing a finger at the girl. "Is this one of the teases?"

Rito gulped before swallowing helplessly.

"I see," Haruna's voice was perfectly calm and placid. "Well... Risa-san, right?... I must tell you something. Your technique is all wrong. That's not how you grope a girl..."

The sempai frowned. "Ah, no?"

"No. This is how you grope a girl."

And she lunged on her.

What followed was enough to make Deathnote feel an intense pang of pride, for the whole class to shiver, and for Rito to collapse on the spot. Even Mikado-sensei stopped treating her nails and stared on with huge eyes.

"Is— Is this legal?-!" Yui squeaked, too shocked to even move.

A couple minutes later, as everyone tried to hide their nosebleeds and Risa fixed her shirt back somewhat humbly, the girl side glanced at the smugly smiling Haruna and admitted, "The Force is strong in you."

Deathnote giggled perversely. Now she was sure she'd need to have a few words with herself...

That's why I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change
Aw yeah I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change
Watch 'em peel those bloomers back
Oh my God is Yuecchi wearing black?
And so I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change

Now it's time for another Pactio
and they're about ready for the kiss
but she's just about to back out
since she thinks it'll mean more than this.
Aniki don't get the subtext
but he keeps telling her it's fine.
I'm just ready to take the photo
once she's convinced to change her mind.

That's why I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change
Aw yeah I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change
It's not that I don't know that she's scared
It's more that I know and I don't care
And so I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change

*instrumental solo*

I'm sure that she won't leave me hangin'
cause I can tell she wants to bang him
And so I'm waiting - (waiting) - waiting on the girls to change
Yeah, waiting on the girls to change
Waiting on the girls to change.

"NOT IT!" everyone in the room cried. 

"Darn it!" Chao cried. "Always last to back out!"

Everyone looked at her. 

Chao sighed. "Negi-sensei, you're familiar with Oedipus Rex, right?"

"Oh, yes," Negi said. "That's the one where he accidentally gouged his eyes out, right?"

"…" Chao said. "This is going to be harder than I thought…"

"Welcome to the last four years of my life," Asuna said. 

Chao thought. "Negi-sensei, you see, Anarchia is apparently… um… well, the thing is Negi-sensei… ah… Negi-sensei, do you know how human reproduction works?"

"Well," Negi said. "Chachamaru told me that when someone wants to have a child, they go to a laboratory and start designing the hardware and software…"

"We really screwed him up, didn't we?" Chisame said. 

"What do you mean 'we'?" Mana said. "I never teach him anything."

"…" Chao said. "Anarchia's your sister instead of your daughter! That's the only explanation you need!"

"Oh, okay…" Negi said. He perked up. "Oh! Dad, does this mean you and mother are going to a laboratory and getting started on designing hardware and software?"

"I hope you realize this is all your fault," Asuna told Nagi. 

"Oh, right…" Nagi said, rolling his eyes. "Like I could possibly teach him how to be normal."

"He's got you there," Eishun said.

"Still, I suppose this possibility shouldn't have surprised me," Nagi said. "After all, she grew up royalty. Who knows what sort of deadly, decadent habits she picked up in court? She was probably wild when she was a teenager."

"Didn't she devote her time to trying to forge peace with Hellas, getting to know her subject, learning the details of rule, and hanging out with you guys?" Yue said. "It's a matter of public record."

"Still, you gotta wonder how it happened," Haruna said. "I mean, did she end up seducing him, slowly teaching him the finer points of erotica before—"

"HEY!" Nagi cried. "That's my wife you're talking about!"

"Then why is your nose bleeding?"

"You heard the part about my wife, right?"

The taxi stopped in front of the middleschool building. A young man stepped out, adjusting his sunglasses. "Ah…" he said. "Mother… do not worry mother. I shall do all in my power to ensure that you and father are—"

BONK!

As he collapsed to the ground, Anarchia looked up from paying the driver. "Was that really necessary… mother?"

"He was obviously ranting about setting up his mother with my son," Arika said, hefting her sword. "He is obviously from the future as well. Therefore it would only be prudent to bring him to the attention of the faculty."

"Well… I suppose," Anarchia agreed. "Still… mother…"

"Yes?"

"Where did you get the sword? For that matter, why do you have one?"

"This IS Mahora, daughter."

“She interests me.” replied Wilhelm.

“So you’re risking the mission for yet another personal interest.” sighed Chigusa.

“I wouldn’t talk if I were you.” Wilhelm replied as he handed Chizuru over to Purin. “You have that ridiculous vendetta against Anya after all.”

“Allowing me to settle the score against that Western brat was the payment that we agreed to in the beginning.” Chigusa replied. “Not something that I decided in the last minute.”

“Well, Fate put me in charge and I say that we’re keeping her, so put her with the others while I handle my other business.” Wilhelm ordered as he snapped an antimagic collar around his neck. He then walked over to the portal in the moat and stepped through it. When he emerged, he found himself in daylight, in a small village, standing in a pond. Purin had already scouted the area and told him where to look so he waltzed up to the house she described and peered inside. As he’d hoped, he saw the young son and niece of The Thousand Master standing together. Suddenly the boy spun his head round to face the window, forcing Wilhelm to act. He smashed his way though the window and landed in front of the young boy and his cousin.