All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

“It’s like I keep telling you idiots,” Evangeline announced, stamping her foot in the sand. “You must make your enemies suffer and squirm. It makes everything so much more satisfying.”

“But what does that have to do with us whoring ourselves out?” Chisame shouted.

The thirty girls, plus Negi and the Gryffindor Trio, were standing at the beach below Evangeline’s castle. Each one of the girls were decked out in their skimpiest, most revealing swimsuit. Harry himself was lying in a day lounge, only wearing a pair of swim trunks.

“’arry, can we send a copy of this to Fred and George,” Ron asked, playing with Asakura’s camera. “I mean, they could use it as a recruitment tool for the Order.”

“Honestly Ron,” Hermione snapped, rounding on her red-haired friend. “You just want to brag to everyone about this!”

“Note that I’m not the one in the picture Hermione.” The bushy brunette’s jaw hung open, her mind unable to piece together a snappy retort.

“Hey Harry-aniki,” Kamo shouted from a wooden picnic table. “What do you wanna say in your letter?” Harry stroked his chin for a while, distracted by Chizuru adjusting her tight-knit bikini top.

“Dear Malfoy,” Harry dictated. “Having a wonderful time in Japan. Please tell your father to thank whichever one of his Ministry minions sent those two dementors after me. I would not have met my newest friends otherwise. And please tell the Rodent of Death to expect his epic arse-kicking to come sometime within the next year or so.”

“Not bad Harry-kun,” Yuna whispered in his ear, snuggling up closer to him. “Not bad at all.”

“Alright everyone, pretend like you know the person next to you.” Ron shouted, holding the camera to his face. The girls seemed to take his command to heart, squeezing in tight. Yuna lay on Harry’s left, her fingers tracing his shirtless chest, while Asakura was on his right, her cleavage practically swallowing Harry’s shoulder whole. Chizuru stood behind them, resting her ample bousm on Harry’s head, while several of the, less endowed, girls lined up on either side of him, either stroking some part of Harry, or playing with the girls next to them.

“Say Fuck You Malfoy!” Ron shouted.

“Fuck You Malfoy!” Thirty female voices shouted, while Harry simply raised one hand from stroking Yuna’s backside, and flipped the camera off.

()()()

Draco Malfoy was having the time of his life. Potter, the mudblood, and the blood traitor were gone for the year, Umbridge was finally putting everyone in their place, and he practically owned the school lock, stock and barrel. Nothing could ruin this moment. Nothing.

The usual breakfast mail rush was interrupted by a loud shriek. Malfoy looked up to see a massive hawk bear down on him. It swopped in right over his head, to deposite both an envelope on his place, and a face full of bird shit onto Crabbe’s upturned head. Looking at the strange, paper envelope, Malfoy cast several detection charms over the object, satisfied that it wasn’t booby trapped in any way. He slit the thin paper with his breakfast knife before unfolding the short letter.

Malfoy felt both hot and cold at the same time as he read the neat, flowing handwriting. “Potter?” He asked out loud, before Goyle handed him something that had fallen out of the envelope. Snatching the object away from his lackey, the blond-haired sicon of the House of Malfoy felt his eyes nearly burst from their sockets.

Potter lay lounging on a wooden beach chair, grinning intently at the camera. However, that wasn’t what was setting Malfoy off. Over thirty busty, young girls were throwing themselves on him, stroking his defined, bare chest and casting glances at the camera that basically said ‘Sorry, he’s mine.’ The girls even had the audacity to tease one another, playing with each other’s breasts and swimsuits. Although Malfoy nearly lost it when the brown haired girl just to Harry’s left untied the raven-haired girl’s bikini top. And to put the cherry on top of Malfoy’s humiliation sundae, Potter flipped him off.

A ragged cry ripped itself from Malfoy’s throat, nearly tearing the picture in half. A stream of indefinable babble streamed from his lips as his brain began to short-circuit itself. He began to slam his head into the table, as a way to restart his brain from looking at the picture. It wasn’t making any sense, but it existed. Potter should be miserable, it should be HIM who was surrounded by busty women. Not Potter!

“Mr. Malfoy,” Snape growled, descending from the head table. “Please refrain from injuring yourself, Madam Pomfry is running low on essence of dittany at the moment.” The blond youth turned to his Head of House and wordlessly handed him the letter and picture. With a flick of his wrist, Snape unfolded the letter, scanning it with a quick glance of his eyes. He failed to give the picture any deep thought before both articles of paper were summoned out of his hand.

“As Hogwarts High Inquisitor,” Umbridge announced in her high-pitched voice. “It is my solemn duty to inspect anything I may deem unfit for the eyes of our students.” She smiled before she began reading the paper. As her eyes traveled down the paper, however, Umbridge’s face began to change from her usual rosy hue, to an unhealthy purple. Out of nowhere, a high-pitched scream emitted from Umbridge’s wide mouth. It sounded like a cross between a train whistle and a tea kettle. Her whole frame began to vibrate as her scream grew louder. Finally, with a loud, meaty *bang*, her head exploded.

The untimely demise of the former High Inquisitor was usurped by a disruption going on down at the Gryffindor table.

“All Hail Harry Potter,” the Weasley twins shouted. “A god among men!”

“All Hail he who has conquered the Japanese Super Veela!” Lee Jordan added. The three boys stood up from their bench, got down on their knees, and began worshiping the picture Ron had owled them. More of the boys from Gryffindor, and a few from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw, had begun to join in the new religion slowly blossoming across the Great Hall.

Minervra Mc Gonagall looked out over her student body. The Slytherins were gathering around the still short-circuiting Malfoy, the headless corpse of Umbridge was beginning to attract flies, and there was a civil war brewing along the gender lines of three of the four houses.

“Albus,” she turned to her lifelong friend. “Do you have anything to say about this!” The old man calmly looked over at Harry’s picture, and then out at the student body. With a content sigh, he reached over and picked up his glass of morning sherry.

“Mazatlan”

Class 2-C was having one of its usual innocent paintballs shootouts near the lake. Like always, it all was fun and games until Tsukamoto Tenma almost lost an eye.

Class 2-E was having a baseball game between Suzumiya's small faction and basically everyone else at the classroom, and against all odds, or perhaps not knowing her reputation, Suzumiya was winning the game almost single handledy.

High School Class 1-C was supposed to be on a picnic, although Chad had just wandered away to feed stray kitties along Chachamaru and Sakaki-san from Yukari-sensei's class. Ishida hadn't even shown up to begin with. Chizuru had scared half of her female classmates away already, and Rukia and Ichigo had just left with a lame excuse involving an inexistent shared cousin falling into a cement mixer.

Again, Class 2-A's activities were one of the relatively scarce spots of normality around. And that was something horribly scary on itself.

The four girls known as the Sport Quartet were happily playing voleyball apart from any bothersome interlopers.

"In the air!" Akashi Yuuna said as she sent the ball flying up again.

"Got it!" the shorthaired Izumi Ako intercepted it, sending it into the direction of a pink haired classmate. "All yours, Makie!"

"Yeah!" Sakaki Makie hit the ball towards the tallest one of the four. "Say, guys... Now the term's ending, do you think Negi-kun will teach us again next year?"

"Who knows," Akira calmly said, sending the ball back to Yuuna. "I wouldn't mind."

"Yeah, things are much more entertaining since he's here," the chocolate haired girl served over to Ako.

The assistant nurse stopped for a moment to catch her breath back, holding the ball between her hands. "He's... He's truly doing his best at it," she said with clear admiration. "Sometimes I feel bad when we just do whatever we want before him. What if we get him into trouble?"

Yuuna winked an eye at her. "Don't be so exaggerated! This school's a piece of cake, actually. Even a chicken could teach here. Oh, good morning, Boo-sensei!" she suddenly noticed a teacher passing by next to them.

"Bu-kawwk!" the teacher saluted back with his strange foreign accent before walking away into the distance.

"Yeah, but Negi-sensei's still only ten years old," Makie giggled nervously. "Smart as he is, do you really think he can help me pass the final test?"

"Yep, and unlike Takahata-sensei, we can't ask him adult questions," Yuuna chuckled. "We might as well just have to teach him about that stuff!"

"Iincho and Misa seem decided to, anyway," Akira observed.

"You guys are terrible," Ako sent the ball for Makie.

"I'd like to be his big sis!" the pink haired gymnast sighed dreamingly. "And I'd hug him to sleep, and tell him stories, and— Oops!" the ball flew past her in her distraction. "Sorry!"

"Keep your head on your shoulders, 'Sis'!" Yuuna teased her.

"Geez, don't be so mean!" Makie complained while running after the ball. "I might be very good at it, you know..."

Then someone else picked the ball up for her. Makie stopped before that person. "Ahhh, thanks for picking it up!"

But that person didn't give the ball back. She and those behind her only looked at the quartet, before the newcomers' lead simply barked a brief and serious, "Sisters? Don't make us laugh. We can clearly guess your true unproper, deviated intentions!"

Makie gasped, backing away. "W-Wait, now I remember you! You are—!"

"Oh crapola," Yuuna clenched her teeth.

Ako felt like fainting again.