All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

"I should warn you," Rin said, voice filled with shame and doubt, "I'm not very good at... these things..."

"I figured that much, but until Negi-sensei and Master come back, you're still the most qualified person for this... Just do it gently, and everything should work correctly..."

"D-Don't say it like that...! You're making it sound so casual...!"

"Please, Sempai, I need it...! It's not complicated. Just, just j-j-jam it in, and then twist it as deeply as you can...!"

"Okay, I'll do it, but I make no guarantees it'll end up okay! Here it goes...!"

"Aaaaaannnhhhhhh!!"

—-

"I tried to warn her I wasn't good at it! At handling technology, I mean!" Rin frantically tried to explain herself to the fiercely scowling Evangeline and horrified Negi, holding Chachamaru's head in her hands. "It, she can be fixed, right? I mean, look, she still can talk!"

"I have no regrets," Chachamaru's head said, strangely spaced out and with an odd lingering smile.

"Okay," Eva sighed, rubbing two fingers on her forehead, "but why did you feel the need to strip down for a simple turn of her key?"

"W-Well, I don't know about you mages, but that's the way WE, the magi, recharge our servants!"

"The Great War is intended to appear at sixty years intervals," Kotomine said. "During each manifestation, no man or woman has proven worthy of controlling its power, and that has led to conflict time and time again. However, the winner of the last War took it even further than anybody else, and because of that, the city of Fubuki was destroyed. Is that the fate you would, through your inaction, allow to befall Mahora?"

Shirou felt truly sick, a feeling of crushing chill filling his innards. Brief flashes of all consuming fire came to his mind, making him squirm in almost forgotten— but never truly dispelled— pain.

In other words, he was having a Negi Moment.

Tohsaka looked at him with mild concern. "Um, you okay, Emiya-kun? Look, I know this is a lot to take in, why don't you take a seat, I can bring you some wat—"

He gestured at her with a hand to stop talking, then stared into Kirei's even serpentine eyes, his own ablaze. "I'm not letting you trick me into that one. 'My inaction', huh? I'm sure I can do something about this without having to stain my hands with others' blood. I don't know how yet, but I'll find a way. In the meanwhile, I want out of this thing. You said there were ways to do it. So show me."

Kirei paused, studying the boy's expression with a cold, analytical glaze, before shrugging. "I must say I'm disappointed. I truly expected something else from Emiya's on, but that is your own decision to make, boy. Rin? Do you have anything to say on the subject?"

She huffed and looked away. "Why should I care? It was obvious he wouldn't belong here. I suppose that's for the best."

"So be it then," Kirei said, pulling a leather glove out of his coat and putting it on, wriggling his fingers in a way that unnerved Shirou. "I will plunge into your flesh and rip the Command Seals out..."

"So, the arm's flesh then, right?" Shirou asked with a muted gulp.

"Naturally," Kirei responded, "How else? You can take your hands off your backside, Emiya Shirou, I am no pedophile..."

"I have no idea how they got there," Shirou piously said, pulling the hands that had been shielding his ass towards the priest, who then grabbed his arm and viciously ripped into Shirou's skin with his strong, thick fingers, sending blood splattering in all directions. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH! YOU SON OF A—!!"

Still waiting outside, Vigilante and Saber blinked under the slowly increasing rain.

The duck looked at the young woman. "Um, I think that was—?"

"Yes," she nodded. "However, I will not enter yet. That's not the scream of someone in mortal peril, but the scream of someone in great but non-life-threatening pain, probably of the anal variety."

Vigilante blinked again. "Um, so then, why wouldn't you—"

"I may dislike many of the darker quirks of the Church's representatives," she stoically said, "but as a defender of the Christian faith, I will not challenge their decisions, for they surely couldn't go against the Bible's teachings."

"What the—?! Are you even aware of what the Bible has to say on that kind of things?!"

She shook her head. "During my time, the Church forbade most citizens from reading the Bible in the common languages. And I was raised a peasant; after rising to power, I never had the time to read it either." She looked at him, sort of curiously. "Are you telling me it says anything against the clergy being allowed to debase altar boys and the like?"

Vigilante facepalmed.

"I mean," Saber argued, "your version of the Bible surely cannot compare to ours anyway. Were I a wager, I would bet your Jesus was a literal lamb..."

"He was, but that's got nothing to do with—!"

"Saber," Shirou said, walking out of the church along a deadpan, umbrella holding Rin, "it's done. I've got something important to tell you. I can't be your Master anymore."

"Shirou," she said, turning back to face him, "don't let your heart be troubled. Even if you were just sexually assaulted, that won't decrease my respect and loyalty towards you. As they used to say in my reign, if it's a priest it's okay..."

"Wha— NO! It wasn't like that!" he screamed, then paused. "... although I'm not fully sure on what you just said, but no, it's not that!" He held up the arm and hand that had formerly flaunted the proof of their Contract, and told her, "I got Father Kirei to take my Command Seals away, so you can go and find yourself a better Master, someone who won't be as much of a hindrance to you."

"I see..." Saber nodded thoughtfully, then looked at a passing field mouse and pointed at it. "How about that one?"

"Dammit, Saber!" Shirou cried. "I'm doing this for your sake too, you don't have to be that way!"

"I think the mouse's a fine choice, yeah," Vigilante nodded at Saber. "Did you see those shiny eyes? Full of intelligence and sharp instincts, unlike—!"

"Okay, I got it, I'm worse than a mouse because I didn't let Saber pierce you through, happy now?!" Shirou tossed his hands up. "Geez, some heroes you were!"

"... Very well, I'm sorry, Shirou," Saber said. "I understand you have your reasons, that not everyone is fit for the path of a warrior, and I will not hold this monumental waste of my time against you or your memory."

"So, um, no hard feelings, right?" Shirou asked. "We can be friends despite all, can't we? M-Maybe we could go out for a latte someday, and share a few stories on what's been going on, you know, just like old housemates do..."

"Assuming I have found myself a new Master before the two hours left to me before disappearing are up, I will think about it, yes," Saber nodded. "I'm sure the boiling murderous rage I am feeling right now under my cold, controlled surface will have subsided by then. Now, where to find a new Master..."

"Hired!!" Rin said, shaking her hand.

Saber nodded and shook her hand back. "Thank you, Master. Now, could we celebrate the start of this union going for some hamburgers...?"

—-

The rainstorm that had been hitting Honnouji had eventually extended itself across the whole area of the Four Schools, gigantic black clouds spreading southward. By the time Negi's Ala Alba left Evangeline's cabin after another subjective day and objective hour of stay there, Chachamaru had to distribute spare umbrellas among them again.

And once again, Eva had complained, grunting about why they couldn't start bringing their own umbrellas already, and harshly reminding them she wanted them back— the umbrellas, not necessarily the teammates—tomorrow in as good a shape as she'd handed them over. If not better. But that was behind them now, as were Eva's cabin itself and its inhabitants, as they were about to reach the female dormitories.

Rito and Lala were still with them since their house was further down the campus, and so other than the members who were currently out of town, it was a full membership of Ala Alba who ran across of—

"Tohsaka-san?"

The girl was not one Negi was too familiar with, but he'd made a point of learning the names and faces of as many students all across the schools as he could, and he'd remember this one well because of her last name, and what it meant for the whole magical community. Recent experiences had only reinforced that importance.

"Oh, Negi-sensei!" the high school student casually greeted, squinting at him and his companions through the heavy curtain of constantly falling icy water. "And what are you doing out here under this rain, hmmm?"

She was not alone, Negi realized, for there was another female standing closely behind the young woman. One mostly wrapped in a concealing, gray long overcoat, with a blue baseball hat obscuring most of her features. For some reason, a lock of hair was sticking through it. Somehow. The rain did not seem to be bothering her at all, as she just stood there making no effort to protect herself from it.

Truth be told, so much of her was hidden from sight Negi himself, months ago, wouldn't have been able to tell at first if that person happened to be male or female. But close constant contact with large numbers of females had sharpened such perceptions of his more than he'd care to admit or even acknowledge.

Rito, who was also far more familiar with details of feminine anatomy of late through repeated close exposure, knew it immediately as well, and so took a cautious step back, wanting to lessen the chances of slipping on a puddle and landing on that stranger or that famous Sempai with the twintails as much as he could.

The woman with the delicate, beautiful half-obscured features kept on looking sharply, emotionlessly at them with her piercing green eyes while Tohsaka Rin answered with an elegant, carefree chuckle. The blonde seemed to be analyzing each one of them in much the same way Setsuna would do to incoming large groups of strangers while walking down the street. "Oh, yes, this must look mighty suspicious for you, right? Sorry, you'll see, we are coming back from the church just now."

"The church, right!" Sakurako giggled secretively, leaning closer to Madoka and Misa. "Like that excuse ever works!"

Misa frowned. "Are you telling us that Sempai and that chick are—?" she asked in an even lower whisper.

Sakurako smirked mischievously. "It takes one to recognize another, Misa-chan!"

"The church?" Negi blinked at Tohsaka. "You mean—"

Rin held a hand up to get him stop asking, then asked gently in turn, "Negi-sensei, this might sould strange to you, but I must ask you something. I have a dear pet I've got to get rid of, but I want to leave it in the best possible hands first. So, how do you feel about ducks?"

"HEEEEYY!" Vigilante's voice protested.

Satomi was looking in all directions. "How weird, for a second I felt like something was missing from this scene. Like, something from a deja vu of sorts that doesn't quite match, although that's of course technically—"

"You mean," Matoi asked, "like someone else talking with the same annoying Kadowaki Mai-esque voice as you? If you ask me, that's for the best..."

"I just find horrribly unsettling you and I could have been thinking of the same basic thing," a glasses-obscured Satomi bluntly told her.

—-

Several city blocks away, in a much more deserted street...

"I had been waiting for this moment, and it was about time!" the tiny, pale person sitting atop the muscular, shirtless giant with grayish skin and red eyes that almost seemed to glow said, loud and clear. Neither of them seemed upset in the slightest by the intense rain either. "For my wayward big brother to come exactly my way, so I could introduce myself properly! Good afternoon, Onii-chan, how do you do!"

She tilted ahead just a bit, perfect, tiny white teeth glinting or at least giving the illusion of it, her diminutive hands wrangled into the thick, messy black locks of her ride's long hair. Violet eyes feasting on the sights before her. Anticipating what there was to come.

"Your big sister's here," she said. "Your Illya-chan!"

The man was truly gigantic, a mass of grotesque muscle wielding a massive slab of rock that was to the sword what the rock is to the bullet. It was easily twice as big as Illya herself.He definitely gave a matching sense of threat and undiluted power, enough as to make Emiya freeze in place where he stood.

And that was where the man's titanic weapon brutally slammed down on him a moment later.

—-

"Something wrong, Archer-san?" Tokiha Mai asked, briefly stopping as she placed the plates on the dinner table for herself, Anthy, Chu-Chu, Archer, and the hungrily drooling, bright-eyed Mikoto.

The dark skinned Servant pondered something for a moment, looking slightly troubled, before simply smiling, in a way that felt more genuine than anything Mai had ever seen from him before. He pleasantly tilted his head towards the window of the dining room and looked into the rainstorm.

"Actually, Mai-san," he honestly replied, "for some reason, I've never felt better!"

—-

Several weeks later...

"So, if we're going to make this work, dear brother," the contrite Illya said, presenting him respectfully with a large pod or capsule hidden under a thick, regal white blanket made of a fine, expensive cloth, probably ermine, much to Negi and specially Chamo's growing discomfort, "I have something else I must confess to you. I think Illya-chan's been a naughty girl since she arrived to Mahora, sorry..."

Negi frowned in concern as he looked at her, who simply poked the tip of her tongue out cutely, bopping herself on the head with a tiny fist. "Well," he said after some careful consideration, "I'm sure it can't be any worse than what Chao-san did, so there shouldn't be any—"

Then, as he pulled the cloth from the container, he and Chamo gasped in terror at what he'd just uncovered. Inside of the formerly hidden object, now revealed as a sealed, tall glass jar filled with a clear bubbling liquid, there was the red-haired severed head of a certain young man Negi knew, even if not personally, then at least because of his father's reputation.

The thing that had been Emiya Shirou opened a swollen eye and looked up at him. "Oh," it said. "You, you're Negi-sensei, aren't you? Sorry, my memory isn't what it used to be..."

Negi shrieked and dropped the jar on Illya's ancient carpet.

"So there you have it!" Fujimura Taiga-sensei, in fully kendo regalia, vigorously slammed her boken on the dojo's wooden floor. "In a courageous shounen story like this, choosing the wrong, cowardly alternatives will lead you directly to a Bad End like the one we've just seen! Once that happens, you have no choice but grabbing the Cassiopeia, turning time back, and starting again from the beginning!"

"I feel bad for Emiya-san, however, since that's not how he'd actually act, he's usually much braver than that," Negi lamented, wearing a richer and sexier variation of his Mahorafest kitsune girl costume that made him look like a loli Tamamo-No-Mae, complete with pink wig. "It's wrong to have him dying that cruelly after being forced to act so wildly out of character. It's like what we did to Itou Makoto-san, did you know the real Bad Ends in School Days are actually a minori—"

"Nonsense, Itou-kun deserved what he got!" Taiga said, waving a hand. "Besides, Shirou didn't die anyway!"

"He did, when I dropped him, actually," Negi miserably confessed.

"Oh my God, you killed Shirou!" Taiga pointed at him and yelled. "You bastard! You aren't human!"

Negi blinked. "Hm? Oh, no, I think you're getting that wrong, I'm still a human, I believe you mean what happens after I learn Magia Er—"

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me!" Taiga turned back to the audience. "Now, while courage and the occasional insane suicidal decision are necessary to follow this story, you can't go overboard with the stupid Hero Complex martyrdom either! Otherwise, you'll end up with the worst Bad End of all!" she said this holding up a tome of UQ Holder Volume 1 and shaking it angrily. "So remember! Moderation is the key, never resort to extremes!"

"So you mean I shouldn't learn Magia Erebea?! Or become a cool tragic fallen hero with a lot of angst and edge like Father?!" Negi gasped. "I won't stand for— I mean, the fans would riot! That's what they're expecting to see eventually! You can't just decide that on your own out of the blue!"

Taiga shrugged. "Which fans? Other than the story editor, whoever follows this crap anymore?"

"... you're cruel, Fujimura-sensei. So, can I take this costume off already or—"

"Of course not, since I'm cruel! You only can take it off when it's time for the next chapter! See you then, dear single reader!"

"Eh?! You mean I'm stuck wearing this until then?! I'd rather become the Mage of the Beginning!"

Natsumi smiled at her teacher and classmates. "Thank you for everything, guys, this has been a wonderful graduation ceremony and I'll never forget it. But, before we go, isn't there anything else you'd like to tell me?"

Negi blinked. "Um, no, I don't think so. Should there be...?"

"Are you sure...?" Natsumi asked, her smile fading a bit.

"Like what, Natsumi-san?" Ayaka asked. "You'll have to be more specific..."

Natsumi paused. "What. The. Fuck."

"Natsumi-san!" Negi gasped as her classmates looked at each other in confusion.

"For Kami's sake, Sensei!" Natsumi yelled. "Were you guys going to leave me in the dark all the way through to the very end?! I was the only one you'd never let in!? What do you think I am, stupid?! I'll let you remember my mother is a detective of the paranormal, and while she mostly exposes frauds, she's had her fair share of encounters with the actually supernatural, you know! And you all've been dropping clues like there's no tomorrow since Negi arrived, or even before!"

She pointed at Negi, then at each of her classmates, angrily shouting all the way through, "Mage from Wales, magic cancelling Martian princess, Sailor Senshi, Card Captor of the Clow, twin assistants to the Keyblade wielder, kung-fu using Ministra Magi, daughter of a former Valkyrie from Ariadne, actual Valkyrie from Ariadne, Norn of the future, magical mangaka and daughter to sex-shifter, demon princess from Venus, daywalking vampire witch, magical reporter whose doll is actually a ghost, Martian genius from the future and her Ministra, magically powered robot, co-creator of said magical robot, cheerleaders with Pactios, half demon mercenary priestess, magical speedster nun, daughter of a mage and his Ministra, Ministra to a goddess, girl with giant magical injection needle, kunoichi who can use weird magic-like chakra crap, daughter of the Kansai Elder, half crow demon sister to a psycho, and you, you, I don't even want to say what you are, Chizu-nee!"

Chizuru blushed and discreetly rasped into a fist. "Well," she humbly said. "My congratulations. I always knew your acting ability was astonishing, but I never suspected it'd be this good. I am impressed..."

"It was a very, very long and difficult year!" Natsumi huffed, sniffing her tears furiously. "Thank you, jerks! Seriously, you wouldn't trust me even when it came to saving Asuna from that whole stasis thing?! What the hell's wrong with you all?!"

Yue hummed thoughtfully, then walked over to Natsumi and placed her hands on her shoulders. "Murakami-san," she told her. "How would you like helping me establish a magical detective agency?"

—-

"— and that's how we came to work together, and why my name's above Yue's on that door," Natsumi finished from behind her desk, Yue awkwardly flinching by her side.

"Aaaaaaaahhhh...!" Makie's brother Kagehisa and his girlfriend understood clearly.

Who she saw were not who she was expecting.

There was a young-ish priestess there, whose looks were quite affectionate and carried an inner strength to it, but she looked pale and mortified, even before Nodoka entered the room. They looked at each other for a moment before both turned to the real focus of the room.

A little baby girl was sitting in the middle of the room, playing with some odd toys made of bone and scrimshaws. Her little movements were not erratic, but well tuned, as if the baby was enacting some strange ritual. And then there was a little spark of magic. For being in diapers, Nodoka had to admit that she would be a very powerful priestess one day if she could pull that off.

And then the baby turned to her and said, "You're late. And not what I was expecting from Gromph's personal apprentice."

Years of living with drow had taught Nodoka a rather good poker face, but that really caught her off-guard. "Wait, you can talk?" Then she was flung upwards into the wall above the door.

The baby was holding up a hand towards her. "Pathetic. Any apprentice would have raised their barrier on the spot. You lack conviction to the training."

Nodoka wanted to tell this baby she was wrong, but she knew that that would only invite higher pressure than what she was feeling right now. So she settled for something else. "Who are you, and how come you got this much power in you?"

"On the outside, I am but your master's child, born by Minolin Fey, the wretch you see in the corner there," she referred to the priestess being all frantic at the events displaying in front of her. "In truth, I am Yvonnel Baenre reborn, biding my time until I am adult again."

"Yvonnel? So, I'm talking to my host parents' mother." Nodoka just thought of a joke she knew would only cause her harm. "Tell me, how does it feel to have been sired by your own son?"

The result was obvious. "Gyyyaaaah!"

"Irrelevant," little Yvonnel told her. "I don't have any affection to Gromph and I'm simply trapped by my baby self. Of course, of the two of us, who's the real baby?"

Okay, no way Nodoka was going to let that one slip by. "Obvious. It's you, because you are a real baby. Otherwise, you'd be back in charge, now wouldn't you?"

"Your boldness is palpable."

"I wonder what that says about you," Nodoka told her. Yvonnel blinked at her and Nodoka felt in the magic that that was a flinch. Her chance.

She filled the whole room with light, that blinded the two drow and she felt the pressure off. She was free and landed on the floor again.

The light disappeared and Yvonnel refocused her gaze at the door, only to see Nodoka wasn't there. "Where did-" A double tap on top of her head told her where she was. She only turned out of reflex.

"As much as I have a lack of conviction for battle, I have a love for studying magic and determination to see things through," Nodoka told her with a Sagitta-charged finger pointed at the baby.

Yvonnel blinked twice before talking. "You still need the conviction, child."

"Tell me something I don't know," Nodoka countered. "I think Eva's last few attacks against were lethal on purpose."

"Eva? That vampire female Gromph took in? I thought she was some floozy he found on the surface."

Nodoka's reply was immediate and stern. "One more remark like that, and it won't matter that you're a baby." She retracted her finger and began walking for the door. "I suppose I know why Master sent me here. I appreciate our little talk, it was... educational."

Just as she opened the door, she heard "Wait," and turned back to Yvonnel. "You go to the Surface regularly, yes?" At the nod, the baby asked, "Could you get me some crayons and paper? I need to practice drawing again as soon as I can."

It took a moment, but Nodoka smiled at that. "I think I can do that."

After she left, she figured that was why Minolin Fey back there was too scared to say anything.