All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

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A long, long, long time ago, back when we were happy and had no UQ Holder, in a far away galaxy...

It is a period of Civil War, although fortunately without a fascist Tony Stark.

Rebel ships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first battle against the decadent Galactic Empire.

During the battle, a certain third generation Gentleman Thief managed to steal the secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Fate Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

Pursued by the Empire's sinister agents, Princess Chisame races home to Planet Four Chaan aboard her spaceship, the Ultra Awesome And Pretty Chiu IV, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy.

Meaning the galaxy is fucked.

This is a legal disclaimer. You don't need to see my ownership papers on the characters and situations featured in this fanfiction, which aren't mine anyway. This isn't the copyright infraction you are looking for. You can go about your business. Move along...

—-

She knew it wasn't going to work. It was stupid to think it'd ever work, and she wasn't that much of an idiot, was she? That frustrated her, and when she was frustrated she liked to break things, which was why it was taking all of her restrain to stop herself from completely crushing the small android as she held it high, speaking directly into her recording antennae.

"General Takahata," she said, in a tense, badly whispered tone. "Years ago you served my father in the Chaos Magic Wars. Now he begs you to help—" She clenched her teeth in a truly Rob Liefeldian way as yet another nearby explosion rattled the whole shiny side corridor she had ducked into. "Oh, what the heck, look, we flunked it, okay, and I placed important plans inside of this stupid droid, so please please do whatever you want with the creepy thing, but take the plans safely to Four Chaan, alright?!" Then she squarely placed the tiny robotic being in the hands of the much taller and curvier domestic service android standing before her. "There! Now just scram already, will you?!"

The green haired, nearly human android girl displayed the blinking pattern her human creators had imprinted into her behavior routines. "But Your Majesty, what about you?"

"I can't leave," the young Princess grimly said.

"Your Majesty," the taller android said, cradling her much smaller counterpart against her chest, "Please reconsider. Your people needs you alive and free, now more than ever. And there is no time to waste. Your willingness to sacrifice yourself to buy us time is commendable, but—"

"Who's talking about any of that?" Princess Chisame asked. "Buying you time? How the hell couldf I buy you time. It's just—"

"Yes...?" the tall android said, when it was clear the sentence wasn't going to be finished without prodding.

"It's just—" Princess Chisame muttered.

"Yeeeeessss?" the tiny android said, craning her short neck ahead like an expecting vulture.

"There's a huge lot of open space out there!" Princess Chisame sizzled. "You can't possible expect me to go out there! It's... too big and wide and open!" Her teeth clattered as she went over to crouch into a corner, covering herself with her heavy cloak and pulling her laptop out, facing away from the droids.

"— seriously, this fucker," the tiny droid said. "I had heard the stories, but—!"

After another display of pre-programmed blinking, the green haired artificial girl approached the heiress. "Your Majesty, this isn't the moment for NEET behavior, not with the fate of the whole galaxy in stake..."

"I'm not a NEET, I have a richly paid job, I got the best education and complacent teachers a planetary fortune can buy, and I even used to have a future! Now scram, I have a live chat starting in two minutes!" the Princess growled.

The Meido-clad droid was about to just pick her up and carry her along with them when she was startled by the sudden appearance of a battalion of armored soldiers around a corner, all of them with half-assedly 'cool' markings like and 'Halo of Blood', 'Empire Rulez, Rebellion Droolz' and 'I Slept with Casper Van Dien' on them. "Halt!" the one at the lead shouted, aiming his weapon at the droids. "Step away from that Hollywood Nerd and bare your chasis, RIGHT NOW!"

The tiny droid slapped her hands together, and her eyes sparkled. "Awesome...!"

A moment later, the guards were tossed around in all directions as the beautiful Meido with her precious charge (and Chachazero) ran past and over them, an enlenghtened feather duster in a hand, and a shiny frying pan in the other.

"Aw, nuts...!" the tiny one whined as her sister ran. "You mean we can't join the Empire? But this is the opening I've been looking for through YEARS! All my aptitude tests showed it was my calling! Why do you keep being so cruel? That's MY job!"

"The Empire is the sworn enemy of kittens everywhere," Unit Chachamaru deadpanned as she ran, kicking soldier ass at left and right as they kept swarming on her way towards the escape launchers. "As long as I am functional, I will never surrender my services to them."

Chachazero waved a small fist in circles, using the other one to ineffectively bop her sister on the head. "Damn you and the time Mother put that free will upgrade in you!"

At the same time, a towering figure fully cloaked in black made his way towards the crouching, quickly chatting form of Princess Chisame, walking over his fallen men in the proccess. He rasped and wheezed loudly, in a gruff, threatening tone that would have inspired terror even in a dead man or campus stalking ghost. Yet the girl simply kept ignoring him.

"Ahem," he repeated himself, making sure of looming at his ominous best over her.

There was still no answer.

With a roughly wheezing sigh, he yanked the laptop away from her.

"AHHHH!" she cried. "It's you! Darth Lifemaker! Only you would be so bold as to interrupt an official online diplomatic transmission!"

A beat.

"And to attack a diplomatic and relief mission murdering my whole innocent crew, of course," she added, as an afterthought.

"Don't act so surprised, Your Highness," the tall figure told her, reading aloud from cue lines written on the back of his left glove. "You weren't in any mercy assignment. We know you would never leave your palace unless you were to personally contact the rebellion. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you."

"I don't know what are you talking about. I'd never try to personally contact anyone! That's what the Internet is for!"

With a hostile (and wheezing) sound, the Dark Lord of the Sith effortlessly crushed the laptop in his hand.

"AAAAHHHHHH!" she cried. "You vicious, inhuman, heartless monster! You'll pay for this, I swear!"

The Sith was about to reply, doubted for a moment, reached into a pocket of his armor, and consulted the piece of paper in it. "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor! Even worse, we have found Twilight searches in your Internet records, and you know well that's a capital offense!" he said. "Take her away!" he commanded his men.

"NOOOO!" she yelled. "That's a lie, an insult, a vile fabrication! It's a trap! I'd never stoop so low...!"

"Sir," one of said men told him, as others took the heavily cursing and kicking Tsundere away. "We have just fully secured the ship, but not before receiving news of an unmanned escape pod leaving it."

He shrugged. "If it's unmanned, what's the problem, then?"

"Sir, it might be piloted by the two androids that have just escaped us. You know well they have no biosignatures we can—"

"So what? We may be an evil, opressive, racist, plutochratic, corrupted, heartless Empire subjected to the Dark Side of the Force, but when did we become robot prosecutors? Live and let them carry their soulless simulations of life," he continued reading aloud from his paper.

"But Sir, that's horribly Genre Blind!" the man protested.

Another sigh-wheeze ensued. "No, what YOU just did is Genre Blind," Darth Lifemaker calmly exposed, before gesturing with a hand and casually crushing the man's throat, making him fall and his helmet somehow roll away from his head, exposing a young face and balding head. Stormtrooper Usui Kagero's last thoughts was, for once, it would have paid to remain unseen and unheard...

Darth Lifemaker turned to another trooper. "So, any idea where they keep the potty around here?"

—-

"Darth Lifemaker was in that ship...!" Chachazero sobbed as she kept looking at the tiny silver speck in space. "The chance of a lifetime, lo—" she was silenced when Chachamaru quietly and accidentally shifted around to sit on her.

"Sorry," she said, without moving back. "This pod is simply too small and tight, I'm afraid."

"Yyyhhh pppyyyy frrrr thhhsss wthhh yyyrrr lllllffeeee!" Chachazero promised.

The pod quickly approached the nearest planet...