frozen in time
Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs
6-Year-Old Stares Down Bottomless Abyss of Formal Schooling
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest Hope nobody takes this one too seriously...
edited 11th Sep '09 6:33:25 AM by Imipolex G
no one will notice that I changed this
OG Troper
Clinton Threatens To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq
Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet
Stone Head of Confusion
Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added to Curriculum
"'We already changed the name of the school from Abraham Lincoln High to Nyarlathotep Academy,' Perry added. 'What more does he want?'"
edited 11th Sep '09 8:23:43 AM by itsmeyouidiot
It would be a lot easier for me if you imagine there's something funny or interesting here.
I think they used to have an article on Bonzi Buddy and parental controls being added in the sequels to The Matrix, but I can't seem to find it. (You have to admit, though, it would improve both of them tenfold...)
I'm a secret character!
Ominous Music Heard Throughout U.S.
Along that same idea: Black Guy Asks Nation For Change
Sapient Blob of Tofu
My favourite isn't actually on their website, but it's still classic:
HOLY SHIT, MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON!
Oh and here's a video of What it might have looked like if it really went like this.
edited 12th Sep '09 4:55:56 AM by Korgmeister
Again with the data mining, dear Aunt?
Embrace the mindscrew
I liked the "World's Largest Metaphor Sinks" bit from Our Dumb Century.
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
"Our Dumb World" is one of my favorite books ever, and I'm sure that for this reason I have earned a special room in Hell.
DUMB
Oh, when I saw Our Dumb World at Barnes & Noble on a trip, I convinced my friend to buy it... we were all practically laughing continuously for hours. "The editor has a goddamn family to get back to, will it really kill you not to know about some godforsaken island in the middle of the Pacific?!"
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
Speaking of Our Dumb Century, I loved their take on the JFK assassination. Talk about overkill!
Embrace the mindscrew
I know I've got Our Dumb World somewhere...and my favorite bit was the with the Swiss.
What's the frequency Kenneth?|In case of war.
DUMB
We could probably have an article on it. I'd write it, but I don't have a copy.
It would be a new medium for the site: Atlases.
edited 12th Sep '09 1:43:11 PM by Tzetze
[1] This facsimile operated in part by synAC.
OG Troper
Muscleman Put In Charge Of World's Fifth-Largest Economy
(weaving)
I want to second Jethro Q Walrustitty's selection of the Arnie article. Because Arnold Schwarzenegger's election was so ridiculous that The Onion couldn't parody it.
SHIKI is dead.
OG Troper
Asian Teen Has Sweaty Middle-Aged-Man Fetish
God Of Cake
Dope Just Galumphing Where Life Takes Him
Obama's Hillbilly Half-Brother Threatening To Derail Campaign
Oh man, both of those articles it is impossible not to bust a gut laughing.
Emperor Wu liked cake, but not exploding cake!
The Onion article I remember laughing the hardest at was the venerable Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes.
Yeah, maybe that's in slightly bad taste, but I was thirteen years old when it was first published. 
And the thought that I've been reading The Onion for more than twelve years is threatening to make my head asplode.
the dice are loaded, the deck is stacked, the game itself will hold you back
Stone Head of Confusion
"Lovecraftian School Board Member Wants Madness Added to Curriculum"
I just realized that the said "Lovecraftian School Board Member" is implied to be an aspect of Nyarlathotep.
It would be a lot easier for me if you imagine there's something funny or interesting here.
A few that I personally love:
Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts
Next Tarantino Movie An Homage To Beloved Tarantino Movies Of Director's Youth
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
Women Now Empowered By Everything A Woman Does
U.S. Children Still Traumatized One Year After Seeing Partially Exposed Breast On TV
edited 11th Sep '09 6:18:04 AM by trouserwearingbarbarian