>LOOK for EXPENSIVE SURGERY
>SEARCH HOVEL
>SEARCH HOVEL
You find a DECK OF CARDS, some SILVERWARE, and a DEAD MAN under the bed.
>
Defiler of Shops
> Take DEAD MAN'S FINGERS
> Place DEAD MAN'S FINGERS on FINGER STUMPS
edited 23rd Oct '10 11:34:33 PM by Reecer6
Soul is ugly.
> Take DEAD MAN'S FINGERS
GERTRUDE helps you bite them off. They are covered in horse drool but otherwise intact, and they smell like the bumhole of a particularly fetid SPIDER-MONKEY such as the sort you once encountered a long time ago. SPIDER-MONKEYS still give you the shivers, and these fingers are no exception to the illogical, arbitrary rule.
> Place DEAD MAN'S FINGERS on FINGER STUMPS
You put the FINGERS onto your FINGER STUMPS, suppressing an involuntary shudder.
They fall off onto the floor.
GERTRUDE recommends that you might need some THREAD AND NEEDLE for that.
Outside, you hear the MOB giving up and going back into the BAR.
>
edited 25th Oct '10 12:41:30 AM by ShadowWarden
>Play 52 CARD PICK UP
>Get SILVERWARE
>Pawn SILVERWARE
edited 26th Oct '10 5:24:58 PM by Amelas
Defiler of Shops
>Play SOLITARE with GERTRUDE
>Take TABLE
>Throw TABLE at SECOND HOUSE DOOR
Soul is ugly.
>Eat SELF
edited 26th Oct '10 7:37:29 PM by Anomalocaris20
You cannot firmly grasp the true form of Squidward's technique!
Gristknife
—> Examine CARDS.
Charlie Tunoku is a lover and a fighter.
>Play 52 CARD PICK UP
Like the falling autumn leaves of a dying world, the cards fall from your outstretched, bleeding hands and crumple to the ground, one by one, like the diminished dreams of childhood.
You shed a quiet tear for all the countless indignities the world inflicts on such dreams, and allow an equally subdued smile as the grinning face of the FOOL looks up at you.
GERTRUDE thinks that this is incredibly silly.
>Get SILVERWARE
You have to call upon your prodigious talent with HAMMERSPACE to make this at all possible, but eventually you're golden.
>Pawn SILVERWARE
There are neither PAWNBROKERS nor PAWN SHOPS anywhere nearby, so you compensate by artfully bending and arranging the SILVERWARE into a MODERN ART SCULPTURE MOBIUS-STYLE ESCHER CHESS SET.
>Play SOLITARE with GERTRUDE
You and GERTRUDE play SOLITAIRE.
This recalls fond memories of previous travel, when you were nothing but a callow, foolish youth and GERTRUDE was your sole companion, a steadfast pony somewhat sweeter in disposition and kinder to the world. As the years have worn on for both of you, she has become more recalcitrant if no less loyal, and despite your repeated mistakes and apparent insanity, she has stayed by you.
She is your very best friend, and she will never give you up or let you down.
And despite her lack of hooves, she's also one mean CARD SHARK.
You manage to keep your EGO intact as GERTRUDE reins in another victory. You wish you could trash-talk her into losing, but she just thinks you're a NEIGHSAYER when you try.
>Take TABLE
You lift the TABLE.
Damn, this sucker is heavy.
>Throw TABLE at SECOND HOUSE DOOR
You throw the TABLE out toward the door of another arbitrary house. It arcs across the road, spinning like a wooden gyroscope with no central axis, splintered protrusions, and a number of questionable stains.
So, really, it isn't much like a gyroscope at all.
It still does a very, very good job of demolishing the DOOR, though.
You're surprised that nobody seems to notice.
>Eat SELF
No. Never again. You are never doing that again.
Ever.
You don't even want to think about it.
> Examine CARDS.
It turns out they were a DECK OF TAROT CARDS the whole time. Bizarrely, they seem to have an ARMADILLO MOTIF, with all of the cards featuring the adorable, sphere-configurable mammals in some way or another.
This is perhaps the first and only time you've seen a graphical depiction of an ARMADILLO hanging upside down. To be honest it unsettles you.
edited 26th Oct '10 11:44:02 PM by ShadowWarden
Gristknife
—> Use CARDS to predict FUTURE.
Charlie Tunoku is a lover and a fighter.
>Throw CARDS at GERTRUDE.
You cannot firmly grasp the true form of Squidward's technique!
>Use CARDS to predict FUTURE
You opt, being a novice diviner, for the CELTIC CROSS SPREAD.
You draw, in order:
- 1. VIII. STRENGTH (a FLEXING ARMADILLO)
- 2. THE KNIGHT OF PENTACLES (an ARMADILLO astride a very unhappy-looking SPIDER-MONKEY)
- 3. XVIII. THE MOON (an ALBINO ARMADILLO curled into a ball)
- 4. THE SIX OF PENTACLES (an ARMADILLO holding a PAIR OF SCALES)
- 5. THE FIVE OF STAVES (FIVE ARMADILLOS at war with EXTREMELY LARGE CACTI)
- 6. V. THE HIEROPHANT (an ARMADILLO brandishing the CONSIDERABLY SIZED HAMMER OF JUDICIOUS OPPRESSION)
- 7. THE TEN of PENTACLES (an ARCHWAY, beyond which TWO ARMADILLOS have an ANIMATED CONVERSATION; if you look closely you can see their mouths moving)
- 8. THE SIX OF SWORDS (a BOAT with SIX SWORDS in it, rowed by a MUSCULAR ARMADILLO)
- 9. THE EIGHT OF STAVES (EIGHT ARMADILLOS throwing EIGHT JAVELINS)
- 10. THE KING OF STAVES (a REGAL-LOOKING ARMADILLO brandishing a SCEPTER)
Lacking a TABLE, you lay the CARDS out on the DIRT FLOOR:
=======================
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========+3+======+0+===
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=======================
===+++==+++==+++=+++===
===+_+==+2+==+_+=+_+===
===+4+=+++++=+6+=+9+===
===+_+=+_5_+=+_+=+_+===
===+++=+++++=+++=+++===
=======================
========+++======+++===
========+_+======+_+===
========+1+======+8+===
========+_+======+_+===
========+++======+++===
=======================
=================+++===
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=================+7+===
=================+_+===
=================+++===
=======================
=======================
=======================
The CROSS, juxtaposed LEFT, represents your PAST and PRESENT, most specifically the forces that have been apparent in your wild and atypical life until now. The STAVE, juxtaposed RIGHT, represents your FUTURE and its various elements.
You begin with your first card, VIII. STRENGTH. This position in the CELTIC CROSS stands for your past and the circumstances which created you.
It would be a lie to say that your past wasn't strange. You grew up in a STRANGE, ARID LAND far to the south whose name you don't rightly recall; nor do you particularly want to recall it. If STRENGTH has any significance in relation to your past, it is likely more applicable to the environment. The sun was hot and harsh on your back, your chores were grueling, and the CARETAKER appointed to watch over you - you know he was not your father - would leap out at you unexpected, attacking you with his NINE-TAILED WHIP.
You learned to hide when he was in these DEMONIC MOODS, to cower in the cesspools for hours, or some CLOSET in the distant, unused wings of the DESERT FORTRESS. The only good thing the man ever gave you was GERTRUDE, and shortly afterward the two of you left, never to return.
Since then, you've taken refuge in MADNESS, alternately driven between flights of ERRONEOUS FANCY and SOUL-CRUSHING DESPAIR. Your past was almost certainly a STRONG thing.
You move on to the second card, the KNIGHT OF PENTACLES. This card indicates more present circumstances, mostly external to yourself but nonetheless significant.
The KNIGHT, as it happens, is a card that represents a sudden change in circumstance. You're a bit confused by this, because you've been a WANDERING VAGABOND for as long as you can remember. Its focus on travel is more appropriate, though; you haven't stayed in one place for over a week since your escape from the HIDDEN FORTRESS.
The third card, XVIII. THE MOON. This card is particularly important; its position in the CROSS relates your MENTAL STATE, your HOPES, your FEARS, and your DREAMS. THE MOON has little good to say about any of these things.
First and most obvious is its association with LUNACY, and that's enough said right there about your MENTAL STATE. You are, unsurprisingly, a highly inconsistent person; it is almost as if there are several voices in your head, constantly debating the best course of action. This has always terrified you.
Your HOPES, such as they are, are not terribly likely to be fulfilled, but you've always dealt with that by keeping your expectations low and simple.
In regards to your FEARS, the card does rather aptly point out the sense of dread that hangs over you constantly; it is this dread, you suspect, that causes you to act so INSANELY, and to show no fear even when it involves getting two of your fingers shot off with a BLUNDERBUSS.
That still hurts, by the way. It stings like a bee on muscleman steroids.
Your DREAMS? The less said about your fucked-up subconscious, the better.
The fourth card, the SIX OF PENTACLES, deals with both short-term and long-term obstacles that you are currently aware of. The SIX OF PENTACLES informs you, unhelpfully, that you have a MASOCHISTIC TENDENCY to push things too far despite it being against your best interests.
Speaking of that, they sting like the barbed, venomous retort of a BLACK COMEDIAN.
Going on to the fifth CARD, you appropriately find that it is the FIVE OF STAVES. This CARD's position, wherein it is laid crosswise over your second CARD (the KNIGHT OF PENTACLES) is no coincidence; this reading builds upon the last, demonstrating the FORCES working for and against you.
This CARD proceeds to inform you that you are SPIRITUALLY BANKRUPT, despite whatever MATERIAL POSSESSIONS you might accrue; there is a gaping void inside of you that has, for the entirety of your short life, gone unfulfilled and likely inspired the highest heights of your debilitating INSANITY. Certainly there are other, external OBSTACLES, but they wouldn't be OBSTACLES if you hadn't accidentally pissed in their BEER MUGS while dancing the NAKED CONGA on an UNSTABLE CHANDELIER.
GERTRUDE has been ordered never to talk about that night, ever again.
If you haven't noticed yet, there's a lot that you don't like talking about.
ANYWAY! Sixth CARD! V. THE HIEROPHANT. This part of the CROSS informs you on the NEAR FUTURE. It has two main aspects: Your RECENT PAST, and NEW FACTORS.
In regards to your RECENT PAST, the HIEROPHANT is very clear. Despite running away, you are still RULED by the ghost of your FORMER LIFE, and HAUNTED by the memories of your cruel CARETAKER. He never made it particularly clear how he had come by you, but you know this much: the identity of your parents is known to him, and some small part of you has always wondered about them. The longing for further KNOWLEDGE has become particularly strong of late.
As for NEW FACTORS, the HIEROPHANT emphasizes what the CARDS so far have been telling you; that your behavior is going to be undergoing MAJOR CHANGE, and if not that, your reasons for perpetrating it.
You don't like this. Change scares you.
The seventh CARD, the TEN OF PENTACLES, elaborates on this theme: There's a new BEGINNING in store for you, one that will catch you entirely off-guard. It's not something that you're going to take terribly well, but then again you have little choice in the matter.
The eighth CARD, the SIX OF SWORDS, is distinct in that it is the first and only CARD of its SUIT in the spread. This CARD illuminates events further in the future, and DEVELOPMENTS that have not come to pass just yet.
These DEVELOPMENTS will be incredibly taxing, and result in quite a lot of CONFLICT and STRIFE. Things aren't going to go terribly well for you, and there is going to be a long period of suffering. This may or may not be accompanied by a MAJOR REVELATION; it's hard to tell at this point.
The ninth CARD, the EIGHT OF STAVES, extrapolates on your state during these tribulations. Surprisingly, the EIGHT symbolizes a positive state of mind, so you reflect with UNWARRANTED OPTIMISM that these TRIALS might result in you regaining some semblance of SANITY.
But it's best not to place your expectations too high.
Regardless, the CARD is rather optimistic; while it doesn't seem to imply that everything is going to be resolved, the message it delivers is clear: that you're going to get better.
The final CARD, the KING OF STAVES, is positioned in such a way that it speaks of the final summation: the OUTCOME, if you will.
The OUTCOME speaks of an ambitious, energetic, daring, and idealistic person, one capable of LONG-TERM PLANNING and GREAT SUCCESS. You wonder if this is going to be you.
Nahhh. Probably not.
>Throw CARDS at GERTRUDE
This is all a crock anyway. HEY GERTRUDE! LET'S PLAY ANOTHER GAME OF 52 PICKUP!
You hurl the CARDS at her like brightly-colored, divinatory confetti, and she shies away, snorting at you.
After getting safely out of range, GERTRUDE expresses her opinion that this was all incredibly silly.
edited 28th Oct '10 8:16:33 AM by ShadowWarden
Jamais vu
> BREAK THE FOURTH WALL
UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
>Find BULLET ANTS
>Pester BULLET ANTS
You cannot firmly grasp the true form of Squidward's technique!
>BREAK THE FOURTH WALL
You have no idea what that means, but it doesn't sound terribly pleasant. But if other people want to do that in the privacy of their own homes, then you're fine with that. I mean, you're an open-minded person and everything, and you don't judge people for their personal preferences.
>Find BULLET ANTS
To find BULLET ANTS, you're going to have to travel back to where the SPIDER-MONKEYS lived. You are not doing that.
>Pester BULLET ANTS
Neither is GERTRUDE.
edited 27th Oct '10 4:48:01 PM by ShadowWarden
Defiler of Shops
>Leave HOVEL
>Enter SECOND HOUSE
edited 27th Oct '10 5:06:39 PM by Reecer6
Soul is ugly.
Jamais vu
> TURN INTO A WEREWOLF
UN JOUR JE SERAI DE RETOUR PRÈS DE TOI
> Find BATHROOM
> Enter TOILET
> Flush TOILET
You cannot firmly grasp the true form of Squidward's technique!
Fwomph
> Improve MOXIE
> Attempt DODGE BULLET
edited 27th Oct '10 5:52:50 PM by Pentigan
It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.
Gristknife
> Whistle in a low register to express how impressed you are with the detail used to construct WORLD.
>Remove PELLET from GUNSHOT WOUND.
Charlie Tunoku is a lover and a fighter.
>Leave HOVEL
You cross the street, GERTRUDE following calmly at your side...
>Enter SECOND HOUSE
...and enter the SECOND HOUSE, stepping gingerly over the wreckage of the DOOR. The REMAINS OF THE TABLE lie a few feet beyond.
There is nothing much here that speaks of an incredible difference between this HOVEL and the last, though you find an UNLIT LANTERN and a TINDERBOX sitting on the BED in the corner.
GERTRUDE excuses herself for a moment. She needs to visit the LITTLE PONIES' ROOM.
>TURN INTO A WEREWOLF
No.
You cannot.
You will not.
There is no situation in which you will ever do that willingly.
Not after the INCIDENT several months ago.
- Name: ERRANT
- Class: WANDERING VAGABOND
- Race: WEREWOLF
- Statistics:
- Grit: AVERAGE
- Sensibility: AVERAGE
- Moxie: AVERAGE
- Passive abilities:
- Luck: You always seem to make the best of things.
- Preternatural Smell: Your NOSE is your biggest strength.
- Weaknesses:
- Insane: You are functionally a MADMAN, and people can tell.
- Spider-Monkey Phobia: Those creepy arachnid-primate abominations give you the heebie-jeebies.
- Silver: Damage dealt to you by SILVER objects is particularly effective.
- Aggressions:
- Walk Softly: And carry a big stick. Requires x1 STICK.
- Asuka Langley Soryuu Throw: Don't flounder and float, just throw a boat! Requires x1 BOAT.
- Gyroscopic Table: Doors and foes alike fall beneath massive spinning force! Requires x1 TABLE.
- Lycanthrophic Transformation: Theoretically possible, but currently LOCKED.
>Find BATHROOM
Uhhh...
>Enter TOILET
Wait, just...
>Flush TOILET
Slow down, okay? This must be another flight of INSANITY. You've never heard of these things. Nobody has. Rooms just for BATHS are the province of the FILTHY RICH, and you have no idea what a TOILET is. You certainly know about PRIVIES and OUTHOUSES, but they are not the same thing at all.
If someone were to suggest the idea of an indoor PRIVY with RUNNING WATER in or beneath it, you would almost certainly laugh at them. That's crazy even by your tenuous standards.
>Improve MOXIE
You cannot do that without a mentor to learn from, and GERTRUDE has no MOXIE or GAME worth speaking of. Her GAME is the kind of GAME that numerous SOCIALLY OSTRACIZED BASEMENT DWELLERS will play in an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE in HUNDREDS OF YEARS' TIME; a GAME with no WINNING CONDITION whatsoever.
A GAME that, in effect, you have just lost simply by hearing about it.
Thanks for playing.
Regardless, you cannot improve your MOXIE at this time.
>Attempt DODGE BULLET
What, retroactively? It sure won't do you much good to try now.
Your fingers sting like the CRUEL MOCKERY of SCHOOLYARD BULLIES.
>Whistle in a low register to express how impressed you are with the detail used to construct WORLD.
The WORLD, or at least the part of it you are currently situated in, has a name: ARBALEST. The country is filled with FORESTS, SWAMPS, and MUDDY ROADS, and lies SOUTH of the BARBAROUS NORTHLANDS OF MANGONEL. Much further south are the WASTELANDS OF BALLISTA, and past that is your... homeplace of origin. It's honestly a wonder that you made it through the WASTELANDS alive; they're filled with a number of RUTHLESS BANDITS and IMMORAL RUFFIANS, led by NAPALM JAPES. Suffice to say his name is well-earned. The WASTELANDS are, after all, WASTELANDS for a reason.
And that reason is because NAPALM JAPES burned them down when he arrived, and stood laughing in the BLIGHTED ASHES. It is said that many RODENT-LIKE ANIMALS perished that day, cooked below the surface of the GROUND.
Oh, and WEST of this country is the COMPOSITE EMPIRE, a ragtag collection of CITY-STATES who have opted for subservience to an EMPEROR named TAURUS I. You've heard WHISPERS AND RUMORS. Suffice to say they haven't been complimentary.
EAST of ARBALEST is the KINGDOM OF YUMI, a strange and foreign land where the people have skin pale as THE MOON and hair as dark as the NIGHT SKY. They are said to be the CHILDREN OF MIDNIGHT, and mostly they keep to themselves, leading what is considered a very MEDITATIVE, SPIRITUAL existence. That is, unless they go to war, in which case everyone PISSES THEMSELVES in ABJECT TERROR.
This is because the YUMIANS are excellent STRATEGISTS. Their SENSIBILITY is beyond reproach.
>Remove PELLET from GUNSHOT WOUND.
You use your GOOD HAND for the task, since the other one stings like SPICY CUISINE coming out the OTHER END.
Despite tearing the WOUND open a bit more, you manage to dig out the PELLET. It's covered in your own BLOOD.
GERTRUDE wanders back in from her VISIT.
- Name: GERTRUDE
- Class: QUADRUPED
- Race: LOQUACIOUS EQUINE
- Statistics:
- Grit: ABSURDLY HIGH
- Sensibility: AVERAGE
- Moxie: DEPLORABLE
- Passive abilities:
- Fast: Your four legs make you the closest thing ERRANT has to a motorcycle.
- Loyal: You will never run around and desert ERRANT.
- Weaknesses:
- Alcoholism: You are an ALCOHOLIC. It helps you cope.
- Taciturn: Your extreme ANTISOCIAL NATURE and PESSIMISM place considerable strain on your MOXIE.
- Aggressions:
- Raising the Hoof: Your enemies have never been shoed off so vehemently.
- Colt 45: You've never even dared to try this one.
>
edited 1st Nov '10 12:28:50 PM by ShadowWarden
Fwomph
Fine then...
> Improve Grit
> Craft BOW and ARROW out of DOOR FRAGMENTS
> Fire BOW at SELF
> Attempt DODGE ARROW
It's clearly a case of backroom political albumizing.
>Improve Grit
"Hey, GERTRUDE!"
"What?"
"Take this!"
You leap at your trusty EQUINE COMPANION and spend some time tussling. As GERTRUDE is nothing less than ABSURDLY TOUGH, you build up some muscles.
Your GRIT went up!
>Craft BOW and ARROW out of DOOR FRAGMENTS
You cobble together a PLYWOOD BOW. It is one of the ugliest WEAPONS you have ever seen. You aren't even sure if you want to know where the BOWSTRING came from.
You also cobble together x20 PLYWOOD ARROWS.
> Fire BOW at SELF
What are you, INSANE?
Oh yeah. You are.
You turn the PLYWOOD BOW around and draw one of your PLYWOOD ARROWS. GERTRUDE interjects with a comment about how this may not be the best idea, but you tell the QUADRUPED QUESTANT to shut it for a second because you're busy.
You release the PLYWOOD ARROW.
>Attempt DODGE ARROW
You attempt an ELABORATE ACROBATIC MANEUVER, but instead you just collapse on the ground in a GORMLESS HEAP.
The ARROW flies over your head and embeds itself in the WALL.
It worked, but you're going to need more MOXIE to make it look good.
- Name: ERRANT
- Class: WANDERING VAGABOND
- Race: WEREWOLF
- Statistics:
- Grit: SLIGHTLY ABOVE PAR
- Sensibility: AVERAGE
- Moxie: AVERAGE
- Passive abilities:
- Luck: You always seem to make the best of things.
- MacGyver's Touch: You have a talent for improvisational invention.
- Preternatural Smell: Your NOSE is your biggest strength.
- Weaknesses:
- Insane: You are functionally a MADMAN, and people can tell.
- Spider-Monkey Phobia: Those creepy arachnid-primate abominations give you the heebie-jeebies.
- Silver: Damage dealt to you by SILVER objects is particularly effective.
- Aggressions:
- Walk Softly: And carry a big stick. Requires x1 STICK.
- The Straight and Arrow: You really should have thought of archery before! Requires x1 BOW, x1 ARROW.
- Asuka Langley Soryuu Throw: Don't flounder and float, just throw a boat! Requires x1 BOAT.
- Gyroscopic Table: Doors and foes alike fall beneath massive spinning force! Requires x1 TABLE.
- Lycanthrophic Transformation: Theoretically possible, but currently LOCKED.
edited 28th Oct '10 8:12:39 AM by ShadowWarden
> USE my NAMEK ABILITIES to REGENERATE MY FINGERS
What? No. You have no idea what those are and even if you did there is the minor fact that your fingers still hurt like a sumbitch.
>
edited 17th Oct '10 9:26:32 AM by ShadowWarden