Rare sentences or phrases that you've read

Similar to the strangest thing you've said today except that it's things you've read. Apologies if thread exists. Context is optional. (posts in this thread don't count, to avoid recursion)

I'll start: "a vibrating GIF featuring the famous portrait of French philosopher René Descartes was posted on the Pokemon board on 4chan."

edited 29th Jul '15 1:51:32 PM by SmartGirl333

This is one I heard on TV once. I promise you this is word for word what was said in the ad:

"Coming up next: Tiny mites that live on your face and wait for you to fall asleep so they can have sex."

I was eating when I heard it, too...

edited 6th Jun '15 3:50:19 AM by Murataku

"Norway Goat Cheese Fire Closes Tunnel"

I'll see if I can remember it:

"Fall Brings Startling Green Balls"

It was a headline for a story that ran in a newspaper I briefly worked for. It was about the local Osage oranges that were dropping off the trees all over the streets. We didn't know what else to title the piece - EVERYONE in that office was laughing at the headline.

First, from http://thedailywtf.com/Articles/The-Killing-Job.aspx

Second, this was written, in English, on a baseball cap worn by a Japanese teenage girl on a train in Tokyo (I've committed it to memory to keep it from sneaking out of my unconscious and giving me an aneurysm):

edited 9th Jun '15 5:44:39 AM by JohnnyAdroit

"The rat was huge. It sat in the corner, eating crumbs."

-Spoken by my dad in a stupor, right after he woke up from a nap.

One What If? entry contains the sentence "Oops - we've accidentally built a particle accelerator." That surely can't come up much outside of xkcd.

The integrity of the chicken is irrelevant to me.

"Well, there are penises, but those penises are more snake-like than penis-like so... I dunno."

An old news headline I remember solely because of how bizarre it sounds: Artificial Nose Apes Dog Snout. It's about an artificial nose made to imitate (or "ape") a dog's snout, but with no context it's hard to parse it as a sentence instead of just a random sequence of words. Even better, "dog" is also a verb, so it could also be interpreted as apes with artificial noses dogging (as in chasing after) a snout.

Ripped from the Headlines: "Man shoots off firework from top of his head, dies instantly".

Can't make this shit up, people.

WHOOOOO AMERICAAAAAAAA

I found an unusual one tonight on a blog post.

"...most people would prefer to live here in reality, where our popular soft drinks do not involve cannibalism and the refreshing taste of dead babies."

Slacktivist, debunking a weird urban legend about Pepsi.

The spanish for "Rest in peace penises".

I usually put sentences like these into the Marquee screensaver on whatever computer I'm using. If it doesn't have such a screensaver, it will probably end up with one; as far as I'm concerned, the main purpose of a screensaver is to display strange phrases whenever I walk away.

The one that started this tradition was "CALL OFF THE SACRIFICE!", which I set to slowly scroll across the screen in large red text on a black background. The phrase wasn't that strange, but the ones that followed it... were. The one my laptop is using at the moment is "I suspect he is preoccupied with the fact that he just had a bucket of water dumped on his head by the ghost of his dead grandmother, who also happens to be dressed like a clown."

"did i just befriend a bottle of apple juice"

—Lurking novelty facebook accounts is always fun!

"Fuckering lights are hilarious."

—The comments of an article on kerning errors.

"That's me rolling how much health Squidward has."
From a story about an online Dn D game. Apparently the players doodled a giant, winged, flaming disembodied Squidward head and the DM declared it the final boss.
Squidward has 5252 health points, by the way

edited 1st Aug '15 10:42:42 PM by RiverWhiteWolf

"The ducken thought it was true love, but the pancookie just wanted to eat it."

From the comments on a Drawception game

"I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS HAPPY ABOUT A TEENAGE GIRL BEING DEAD BEFORE"
Homestuck liveblogger land-of-boredom-and-confusion, having one of her theories^note (Aradia being Dead to Begin With) confirmed.

edited 7th Aug '15 12:25:12 PM by RiverWhiteWolf

"I have stared death in the face, and he is garnished with parsley."

It's from a joke SCP Foundation page, and is officially my new screensaver. (Warning: page linked will probably not give you nightmares, but is gross.)

"I really want to experience alternate universe bears sometime."

"I made god hate a baby, you guys."

"a popular video of a baby getting dropkicked by a breakdancer"

On this site but not this thread:

"I'm unaware of the existence of ashtray shaped gods."

"Do you take these eyes to be your lawfully wedded gravatar?"