General Autism Discussion

On the topic of "genuinely Autistic vs just being an asshole," I'd like to point out that this is Truth In... uh... Urban Legends?

I was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 10, but there was a time in my teenage years when I used it as a crutch. Not quite the "he's being an asshole" variety, but close enough. The main difference is, 5-ish years later, I'm ashamed of myself from back then.

Just thought I'd share.

I don't know about others but what I 'want' is for people to understand and help me when I fail to get/follow social norms/expectations. So there's a bunch of unspoken social rules about when kind of topic is to be mentioned in what kind of situation, when I accidentally break thouse rules due to not knowing them I'd like people to explain to me that I broke a rule, not get pissy and blank me.

I'm more than happy to follow social rules and norms (or chose to not and suffer the consequences), but I don't 'get' them the way normal people do and I occasionally need them explained to me.

I find that I just want a life that makes me happy rather than a 'normal' one.

I was talking about what I want from society/people, what I want in a wider 'life goal' sense is another topic entirely.

Here's a question: Do you ignore social norms (or rules in general) if they don't make sense? Will you try to understand why people do something you don't understand or you think is dumb? Or is that just me being stubborn?

edited 26th Apr '14 9:02:22 AM by AwSamWeston

I ignore some rules that don't make sense but others while failing to make sense do make sense to follow, either because others say so and I trust their judgment or because the costs are to high.

So I don't follow gender norms and the assumption that as a guy I must always think with my penis (because that's a stupid idea) but I do follow social norms on acceptable topics for certain social situations (because while the fact that people feel unable to just say "I don't want to talk about that" is silly it's still a fact).

I wish people would say what they actually meant.

I usually follow the "how are you? Fine what about you" routine, but I still think it's stupid. Noone cares and noone answers truthfully anyway.

I pretty much have a formula for it now. "how are you" is the general "I'm good, what about you?" then it's "what you been up to" (inevitably "nothing", which drives me crazy as then I end up dominating the conversation) followed by "how are things/how's life" which tends to get a slightly more open and deep answer.

edited 26th Apr '14 2:51:26 PM by SilasW

I think what people want you to do in that situation is remember something about them, perhaps from previous conversations, and mention it.

O I try that but it's still very hard to get anything out of my friends, especially the ones I don't talk to very often. I'm normally asking what's been going on in their life over say the last week, as outside of the normal things like school/college/Uni which I do ask about individually.

edited 26th Apr '14 3:02:00 PM by SilasW

My might-as-well-be Mother just published her work on Autism. The book came out today.

check it out here

Cool. Congrats to her.

I get that, too! It really bugs me when I try to strike up conversation like that, but everybody just gives boring replies.

And then, once they do that, I start to dominate the conversation (like you say) and then I start feeling self-conscious, like "Should I be talking this much? Why aren't they saying anything? Am I doing something wrong? Are they dead?" (My conversations usually take place in text format, because distance.)

I can never figure out if I'm talking too much either. Sometimes I get paranoid that the other person is only pretending to be interested.

What you do, if you dont want to dominate the conversation, is ask them a question about themselves. That's when your memory of previous conversations will come in handy.

For those with kids... asking about the kids will do it. Just sit back and receive words. Lots and lots of words.

And, if no kids, try pets. <_<

And for those living on campus, people they are seeing, or that friends of theirs are seeing, etc.

See I try asking about their lives and all I get are short one line replies. When I ask about school/college/uni all I get is "it's busy/boring" but if they ask me the same I can talk about what I've been going over in class, how my friends there are, anything funny that's happened the last few days I've been in, ect. I ask about what they've been up to and it's always "nothing much" when they've been up to the same kind of stuff as me (general uni, hanging with friends, ect) but somehow they seen unable to go into detail about stuff while I can. Even when I ask about their family all I get is "they're good", nothing about what's been happening or going on in their lives.

Maybe my friends are just boring sods.

Your friends aren't boring. I get similar problems — like I said before.

I wonder if part of the reason for our general openness, Silasw, has something to do with the "doesn't understand social norms" part of Autism. Maybe another side to that is that we guard our feelings less — Like, maybe we put up less walls? Can anyone confirm or deny this?

Here's another thought: I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve — when I'm happy, people can see it on my face and in my attitude. When I'm sad, I'm a lot more sluggish and (I think) people notice that, too. When I'm angry, I tend to let out my frustration. That kind of stuff. Does anyone else get that?

I have no idea. People have said I don't show excitement much though.

I'm incredibly open, even my best friend's boyfriend can read me pretty easily, the only people who can't read my is my family. I'm not just open with my feelings and emotions though, I'm very open about my past/present. This actually caused me some issues at uni last year, where some people took offence to my openness and assumed that because I was willing to share most things about myself I was boating about those things, when I was doing no such thing (the things I am proudest of about myself are actually thing I can't talk about).

I can keep secrets, but directly lying to people (other than my family) is something I find very difficult, and secrets tend to snowball once I've told one person, now that's my secrets though. I can keep other people's secrets easily enough, but my own, not so much once I've shared them with someone.

Now part of my openness is that I tend to be drawn to closed of people with their fair share of problems, so it helps to be open with them as it makes them more at ease when it comes to being open with me and allowing me to help them.

However my ex (who's more apsi than me) is one of the most closed of people I know, I think this is due to her past but I'm not sure. I think part of her issue may be an unwillingness to "get back on the horse" as it were, I've had my trust in people backfire many times when they've left me/hurt me, but I can keep the confidence that it's still worth it to emotionally invest in new people, which seems to be the problem she has.

edited 28th Apr '14 7:09:06 AM by Silasw

That's true of me as well.