Need some help with my writing

I need some serious help with my writing for my story here.

First off, how do I present something like that as a credible threat to a US Army base? I want to make it a fair fight, but people keep telling me there is no way any slasher would be able to so much as touch an Army soldier before they get blown up by artillery.

Next, how does the US Army work? What does each rank do, what are the policies, and what doctrine are they going by?

And last, does the premise suck but the story good? Or is the premise nice but the story a heap of crap? Or is it all just stupid? Because I've heard that if a premise is bad, then the writing is terrible as well.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. Just don't flame or troll me.

edited 8th Jun '13 11:09:22 AM by SciFiSlasher

"Somehow the hated have to walk a tightrope, while those who hate do not."

Hmm. Well, I can say that you are coming at this premise from an unusual angle, that is, you are telling the story from the POV of the slashers, something that none of the movies they are from ever did. It's inherently hard to tell a horror story from the POV of the monster. Everything pretty much looks less plausible when you do that, unless you develop a really well-crafted monster-character. Is there any particular reason you chose to do it that way?

If you flipped things around, and told the story from the POV of the soldiers-soon-to-be-victims, then it wouldn't be any harder to make the story credible than it was in the original movies you are taking the slashers from.

You should note that a high level of plausibility isn't really the first priority of a slasher fic anyway. The genre's all about atmosphere. If you can make it feel scary enough, no one will care if the plot has some logical holes in it.

Next: "Next, how does the US Army work? What does each rank do, what are the policies, and what doctrine are they going by?"

Do you have any idea how complex a question that is? Google is your friend. We have a very nice "Military" thread over at the "On Topic Conversations" forum, with a several highly experienced military people who post regularly. They will be happy to help you.

"And last, does the premise suck but the story good?" I cant see anything wrong with the premise. After all, it's been done many times before. Check these out.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

The thing is, I never even knew I was doing it from the slashers' POV. Also, I've actually been getting a lot of flak from other people, because they don't consider the story "realistic enough."

"Somehow the hated have to walk a tightrope, while those who hate do not."

You only have to satisfy yourself. It's your story. So you actually didnt realize you had switched the POV? How do you feel about it now?

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

If I am writing a story, I myself cannot be satisfied if everyone else thinks the story is a load of crap. And so far, everyone does.

"Somehow the hated have to walk a tightrope, while those who hate do not."

If you want some help, I did a quick read of the first chapter. I'll post the notes I made, but generally, I feel like even with silly or bad or cheesy ideas, the determining factor is in the writing itself.

Anyway, here are my thoughts. Don't feel like you need to respond where I asked questions—they're meant more to get you thinking about why you chose to say something one way as opposed to another way. In the end, how you write it is up to you.

---

The convoy rolled to a stop three feet from the heavily secured, locked gate into the base. Awkward wording of 'heavily secured, locked gate into the base', not great as a starting line. The driver stepped out, walking up to the guard at the far right.

"You got the new ammo supplies 'Ammo supplies' feels redundant, and are they new in any notable way?, Colonel?" the guard asked, chewing on the withering cigarette in his mouth. Asking and chewing at the same time can be hard.

Colonel Bentley nodded. "It's in the back. I'll show you."

The guard followed Bentley to the back, unlocking it, Run-on sentence here. the deep green boxes Dry description clearly marked and pointing out redundant how it if 'it' is the boxes the pronoun should be plural contained the 7.62x39mm ammunition for the M16s. More dry description, is the technical detail important for the plot?

"You're clear, " the guard said, nodding, before speaking into his radio. "This is Gunnery Sergeant Eric Vasquez, at the entrance main gate. Open the gate so this supply convoy can make it in." 'entrance main gate' and 'so this supply convoy can make it in' are both wordy. I'd write the latter more like 'Open the gate, we've got a convoy coming in.' 'Make it in' sounds like there's a struggle and the truck might not make it.

Getting back into the convoy, Bentley trudged the vehicle forward as the gate slid open. Scanning the area through the window, he was caught off guard as he heard a muffled gasp and what sounded like a hiss of electricity. Both of these sentences have an identical structure and you could shift them around to be more effective. If you're using the progressive tense (-ing), it should be an action that is ongoing, not the first in a series of sequential actions. he capitalization turned to the convoy's passenger, the soldier next to him. You're treating the word 'convoy' like it's synonymous with 'vehicle' but convoy is a term specifically for a group of vehicles.

"You okay, son?" he asked as the soldier drooled, a tired gaze in his eyes. Similar to the pair of sentences in the previous paragraph, you're using 'as' to link up things that may work better as a separate sentence.

The soldier didn't respond for a few seconds before he looked toward Bentley. "Uh-yes, yes sir! I just felt like I got shocked, like I was hit by a taser." If I was hit by a taser then asked how I felt I would not say yes.

"You need me to get you to a medic here?"

"No, no, I'm good, sir."

Bentley uneasily turned his head back to the path in front of him, and continued driving forward. So a guy starts drooling and staring out into space, says he felt like he was hit by a taser, and he just has to say 'I'm fine' and that fixes it? If nothing else it seems like the guy might have had a mild seizure and that would definitely be a reason to get him some medical attention even if he doesn't want it. Or does this guy have a tendency to drool and stare into space?

The stream of living pure electricity that was Horace Pinker slithered along the ground, Woah that was an abrupt perspective shift. very thin and sure to keep his exertion of energy to a minimum, so as to not be so bright and not make such a loud hum. Description here feels pretty dry for what would be a great opportunity to think about what it would actually feel like to be electricity. What would movement feel like? What would one's senses be? What sort of image would you have of the world?

He felt something come down on him. A boot. Quick to respond, he zipped into the soldier's body, taking complete control of his nervous system and brain cells. Again this would be a great place for imaginative imagery over a simple description of what happens. The soldier stumbled a bit as he felt an odd uneasiness come over him, grabbing his left temple, before he coughed and looked back up, now under the total control of Pinker. This sentence is a bit long and also dry.

Pinker laughed in his mind as he processed all the information known to the soldier he had just previously possessed and the one he was currently in control of. That is one awkward turn of phrase. 'Pinker laughed inwardly. Everything the soldier had been, body and mind, was part of him now.' is clearer than trying to tack that big phrase onto 'the soldier'. Stage One of the slashers' So they call themselves that? plans for this base was already complete. He had thought it would be difficult, thinking they would use something like electrostatic detection equipment before he possessed the soldier. Awkward sentence. Maybe it would be better to address his worries as they're happening before he possesses someone, rather than after they're resolved. But it was done!

Now, he just had to wait for his good friend Forsythe, and then, these soldiers would get hit where it hurt. If he is indeed a 'slasher' and he has no qualms against planning a violent attack against soldiers would he really use passive-voiced euphemism like 'they would get hit where it hurt'?

edited 9th Jun '13 12:57:47 PM by kotep

The thing is, I have other things to do, so I only have a limited amount of time to write. Therefore, no time for all that Purple Prose you want.

"Somehow the hated have to walk a tightrope, while those who hate do not."

Wait, I'm confused. How's correct grammar Purple Prose? Even those with limited time need to make time to understand the basic tools if they want to write, just like anyone who plays an instrument needs to practice. It's the only way anyone will take you seriously.

edited 1st Sep '13 11:04:49 PM by KW

I haven't actually read what you wrote, but the above stuck out in one of the earlier posts.

Unless you're deliberately depicting an alternate universe, M16s use 5.56x45mm. 7.62x39mm is the SKS and earlier (pre-AK-74) AK series of weapons.

If you are depicting an alternate universe where US weapons use Soviet ammunition rather than NATO standard, be sure you convey that ahead of time as "gun geeks" pick up on it.

Hey Guy,

I was in the Marines, and let me tell you, there's no hard boiled, easy answer to ranks in relation to jobs. The Army and Marines have similar structures, but there are some positions in the Army that don't exist in the Marines. Specialists, and the like. They don't exist in the Marines.

Now then, Rates are almost identical across the Military Spectrum and they are broken into three categories. That being said, almost no one says 'Rates' except the Navy, but that's because their Rank is determined by their job. For example, a Private in the Marines/Army can have any job and still be referred to as 'Private'. The rate is E-1. In the Navy an E-1 can have a rank like RN-1, or AC-1. I'm not sure those are actual ranks, but that's just how it works.

But on to the specifics here. Rate it in three Categories. Enlisted, Warrant Officer, and Officer. Enlisted have 9 rates over all. E-1 to E-9. E-9 is not an easy rate to achieve.

Warrant Officers have 5 Rates. Their ranks would be WO-1, CWO-2, CWO-3, CWO-4, and CWO-5. WO-1 is Warrant Officer, and CWO-2 to CWO-5 are Chief Warrant Officers. But they are never referred to as 'Chief'. That's a Navy rank and it would imply demotion. If you have a CWO-5 in an Infantry position, they are called 'Gunner'.

And the last rate is Officer. Officers have 9 rates as well. O-1 to O-9. The last 4 rates in the officers rank are your generals and Navy admirals. In the Marines we used the mnemonic device: 'Be My Little General'. Brigadier General, Major General, Lieutenant General, and General.

I was enlisted, so I can give you more information on that end, if you have any more questions.

As far as getting into a military facility, it's actually frighteningly easy. Executing whatever sinister plot you may be concocting would be the hard part. With the shootings at Fort Hood, the military has increased training in active shooter awareness, and overall suspicion of workplace violence.

Another hurdle to contend with is the Military Police. There are usually exactly the number, and occasionally more than necessary to patrol, and protect an installation. I lived on a base (The Army calls them Posts, and Camps), that was roughly six miles big. I was also an MP and we had about four patrol cars going every day and night. That's not to include the patrol supervisor, and the watch commander. An addition two, or even three people who could be on scene at the drop of the hat.

No matter where I was on base, it took me less than ten minutes to be anywhere on the base. And when one patrol car was called in, we all rolled in. Even at a time when we were 'stretched thin', we still managed to have no less than 4-5 M Ps on the scene.

But, rather than worry about that, one of the greatest enemies to the United States Military is complacency. Failure to respond, and failure to react accordingly is always a problem. If there was a Slasher on the base where I was stationed, at the time I was stationed there, I'd say there was a good chance someone might die if the wrong patrolman showed up to the scene.

This thread is 6 years old. The OP has almost certainly moved on to other projects by now.

"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."

Also, the OP stopped posting in WB at least a few years ago, and they were fully banned from the site this past June for unrelated reasons, so they might not even be able to see this thread.

We don't really have any hard rules about bumping, but if the thread has to do with the OP's specific problem and the last post is from a few years ago, bumping probably isn't going to accomplish much.

"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."