I've been drafting a Gothic novel, ''The Pearl Of Combat," inspired by the story of Kullervo. This thread is for critique on the story, and portrayal of especially in comparison to the original. I'm worried about the mood not being creepy or scary enough or softening the characters (IMO the point of the since I don't know the original story inside out, just the superficial plot.
So, here is part of the first chapter.
Chapter 1. Kullervo and the Maiden Of Pohjola
When I got up at dawn this morning, I knew I was in trouble. I could hear Tähetär’s voice echoing and bouncing off the thick walls. She spat out my name. My Kalevalan name. “Kullervo!” The yell pierced my ears.
What have I done this time? I thought. The smell and taste of food reached my nose and mouth. I bit down on my lip and started making my bed. My lip hurt as though I’d had it pierced. I didn’t want her to come in and start yelling at me. Otherwise I‘d have to fight her. There was a pile of rag on the shelf in the wall next to my bed,
Last month, we’d had an argument over the way I spoke to her. “Stop talking like that!” she shrieked. But her voice trembled a bit. “Hit me? I’ll—“ She rushed up to the fireplace and grabbed up a branch she’d cut off. “I’ll beat you!” Her hand was clamped around the branch, ready to land it on my back.
“You do that,” I said. “And I’ll hit you back until your brain’s on the floor!”
She huffed and lunged straight at me with the stick in her hand. “How dare you talk to me like that! You’re so rude. I’ve raised you for fifteen years!”
I dodged the stick and reached over the fireplace, between the stone wolf amulet and ivory carvings, for another one. She backed away as I came closer, and made an angry noise as she spoke. “The things I do for you! Why aren’t you more respectful? You are only living here because of me!”
“Because,” I yelled back, “you’re a bitch!”
“What did you just call me?!” she cried. Without waiting for me to answer, she said, “That’s it. No meals for the rest of today” and walked out of the room.
I got lunch and dinner from the cupboard at the end of the kitchen, which is cold and dark and stuffed with food. She makes a lot of food, so I never go hungry even when she decides she’ll keep all the food to herself.
She was still yelling, but this time it was muffled as I’d closed the door. I finished, wiped the blood from my mouth on my finger, and stepped over to the cupboard. After pushing open the door, I reached over to the top shelf above the compartment where the toy chest was kept and sorted through the clothes. It didn’t take long- I don’t have that many clothes. I pulled an old parka off the shelf and pulled it on over my white shirt. It covered my knees and the sealskin felt warm. It had different-colored patches that she’d sewn on whenever it was torn. I’ve got patches in my parkas and reindeer skin shirts, as well as my Kalevalan clothes. The shirts all have long sleeves and are made of cloth. She insists on me wearing a shirt with a sash around the waist for some reason.
edited 25th Apr '13 3:30:49 AM by MorwenEdhelwen