Critique these first two paragraphs from the story mentioned here.

This is only a first draft of the story mentioned in the thread "Story inspired by The Desert Song?"

Synopsis: 14-year-old Anwar Karim's father has recently died, making him chieftain of his Riff Bedouin tribe in a North African country combining aspects of Morocco, Algeria and Egypt. In revenge for his father's death in a colonial scuffle, our hero has decided to continue his father's legacy. He becomes the Red Shadow, a bandit leader with magic powers that he uses to remain hidden.

So, here are the two first paragraphs. Have I hooked you? Tell me what you think. The journal of Anwar Karim, Ar-Rif, Western Desert, Qeshimoor. Al-Ithnayn Fibrayir 11 (Monday February 11)

I’m tired. My arms and hands are sore from holding onto the reins and wielding a sword. Everyone else in this tent is asleep now, including Sayyid and Nabila and all my foster siblings including the baby, Zahira, who was named after my mother. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight. Or get The Sheik of Araby out of my head. “Over the desert wild and free, rides the bold Sheik of Araby. His Arab band, at his command, follow his love’s caravan.” That’s why I took this journal and a pencil up onto my mat from under my blanket. It scratches me sometimes.

During the Maghrib prayer this evening I couldn’t stop thinking about the raid. I was relieved when it ended. We’d succeed, inshallah. I knew Nabila was thinking that too. Her expression was tense when she turned back to the blanket between the men’s and women’s areas, picked up Zahira, put on the baby sling, lifted her into it and went outside to talk to Sid. Wiped water off my face and hands and pulled my burnous over my head. It seemed like hours before I could push the red hood on. The flap was open, so I could see what was going on while I buckled my belt, put my sabre in its sheath and slipped it inside the belt with the shabriya, the traditional Bedawi knife.

edited 4th Jul '12 6:46:51 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

We have a thread for this, and there's a link to it in the "About Writer's Block" thread pinned here.

If this was a book I picked up at the store, I would have lost interest when you mentioned that the baby was named after the narrator's mother. I'm also not sure why someone would note that factoid in his journal. That was not the time and place for that sort of expositition.

Putting that aside, I feel neutral and I would read at least another paragraph or two to shape my expectations of this work more fully.

Thanks, Snowy Foxes for a) pointing out the thread and b) pointing out the flaws! ETA: Are there any threads for posting a whole page?

That thread is pretty much it for all "did it hook you" questions. The rule is to keep it around 1000 words or below, and they say the average manuscript page is 250 words, which is well below that.

Just posted my first page on there. Waiting to see what everyone else thinks!

edited 5th Jul '12 2:58:04 AM by MorwenEdhelwen