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Rubber_Lotus Since: May, 2014
#476: Jan 6th 2015 at 9:26:49 AM

Additional idea: Ranma finds a new, super-effective weapon against Happosai in artwork of "historically accurate" Amazons. In other words, women who actually cut off one or both boobs to fight better.

If that sounds a little off, maybe change it to "Happosai recounts a horror story from the Good Old Days(TM) when he journeyed to South America and/or Ancient Greece in hopes of meeting "real" Amazons".

EvaUnit01 Fandom Heretic Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Hyp3rB14d3 Since: Jan, 2001
#478: Jan 6th 2015 at 1:01:03 PM

@kaitroper: You need something to divide your scenes. As is, they kind of bleed into each other. And while I can logically determine where one scene must end and the next begins, readers really shouldn't have to.

kaitroper Since: Oct, 2012
#479: Jan 6th 2015 at 1:46:14 PM

[up]Thank you, just did it by putting more spaces to make the markers more obvious. BTW I need to find more obvious markers.

What do you think about it?

Forgive me for not being a walking stereotype. Saint Ryouga
Hyp3rB14d3 Since: Jan, 2001
#480: Jan 7th 2015 at 3:43:31 AM

I usually skip a line, then go with this:

[center: 0o0o0]

Puts 0o0o0 right in the center of the line. Keeps the scenes easy to separate. I've also seen —— used, as well as (Scene Change).

You could also do something like bolding the first word of each new scene.

edited 7th Jan '15 3:44:14 AM by Hyp3rB14d3

TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#481: Jan 7th 2015 at 10:27:31 AM

Or using a linked image of the exaggerated first letter of the fist word of each new scene. I'm not saying that you should do it, I'm saying that it can be done.

... It wasn't a funny joke, was it?

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
kaitroper Since: Oct, 2012
#482: Jan 7th 2015 at 6:18:11 PM

[up] Oh, drop caps! I love them! too bad I have never worked with a text where they are appropriate.

[up][up] But seriously any other kind of feedback I can get on the actual text? Here is the second chapter just in case it helps

Ranma ½ is property of Rumiko Takahashi, her publishers, editors and other right holders. Saint Seiya is property of Masami Kurumada, his publishers, editors and other right holders.

Nerima Saints Chapter 2 “The long road”

The lawyer’s office was nicer than Nabiki expected, she was still processing the whole deal. A few hours before a black car and two guys in suit had come looking for her at the school gate, she had been reluctant to go with them, but couldn’t refuse them when they showed her the citation. They were from a respected and well established law firm and her presence was requested in their headquarters. She still didn’t know what could be the reason of her being in there, but there she was, resting in a comfty chair inside an elegant office at the eleventh floor of a tall building in the center of Tokyo awaiting for somebody to come in and explain.

She didn’t had to wait much more, the office doors opened and an older man in a suit entered followed by a tall and bald man and two more people wearing suits. Nabiki felt terribly underdressed, as she was still in her school’s uniform, and she hated feeling like that, had she received a forewarning she would have been more presentable.

The older man sat at the desk as others took sit around the office. “Since we are all present, I shall proceed to read the testament”

Testament? Nabiki almost lost her cool for a second, she didn’t know anybody with so much money that their last will required a premium lawyer, and apart from Happosai nobdy she knew had died recently. And the old pervert was a miserable man and a petty thief, and they weren’t exactly close…

“I Happosai ” the lawyer spoke confirming the girls suspicions and sending her straight into a surreal experience. It all started with the predictable stuff, leaving the title of school Grandmaster to Ranma, a set of documents and scrolls to Genma and a few of his trinkets to her Father. Then things went straight into the bizarre, as the lawyer began detailing an estate, bonuses, bank accounts and a trust that controlled a few small businesses and a foundation, For many minutes her senses shut down to any external stimulus, the words of the lawyer slipped past her ears without her understanding a single word. She was too busy processing everything, it was impossible Happosai could have so much money, and it was impossible it had anything to do with her. There were so many people who had a reason to be there before her. Her dad, her uncle, Ranma, even that old woman Cologne were more likely to inherit from him.

“…and thus I name Tendo Nabiki, born in…” the lawyer kept on reading “… as the executor of this will as well as the controller and main beneficiary of the trust previously detailed.”

He put me in charge? But why? Nabiki couldn’t believe what she just heard. Not that she would complain, but that didn’t make it any less strange. She needed to get to the bottom of this.

“Well, that means you come with me miss Tendo” the bald man interrupted Nabiki’s train of thought as he extended his hand. “I’m Tokumaru Tatsumi, I’m the director of the trust established by your grandfather.”

“He wasn’t my grandfather” she shook his hand. Or at least I hope he wasn’t.

“No!, No!, No! Not that way!” Marin was getting frustrated at her new pupil, had he just struggled not to break his hands she would have been able to get some progress out of it towards awakening his cosmos, but this... she didn't expected.

“You told me to break the rock!” replied Ryouga with his finger still extended at the point where the solid rock used to stand.

“But not like that” Marin picked a rock from the floor “I now see you are too good at destroying things to learn the principle of destruction, but you'll never become a saint if you don't learn it”, she proceeded to crush the rock with the slightest of the effort “Stop thinking with your muscles and start fighting with your soul. Feel the universe inside all things and yourself, become one with the universe. Did you understand?”

“I think I do” the lost boy turned towards another boulder “Bakusai Tenketsu!!”

“This is going to take a while...” said the silver saint with resignation.

Andromeda island was in chaos. The normal strong discipline and asceticism held by the students had been broken down by the arrival of a newcomer. It wasn't just the novelty of interacting with someone from the outside world but this was a fierce aspirant to amazon completely unlike the previous one who seemed to having been born to be a housewife and kept on cleaning and tidying everything behind the students. This new girl was a fury incarnated and demanded blind obedience from everybody who crossed paths with her. Two of the aspirants were just commenting while observing the contrast.

“You know Spica, it is a shame a cute and domestic girl ended up in here, sooner or later she is bound to suffer an horrific death. That is going to be such a huge waste”

“Keep telling yourself that Reda. I've never liked weak girls, and it was her foolish fault for coming in the first place. Now, this other girl, Kodachi...”

“But man, she is crazy! I wouldn’t want to have to face her”

“That is a risk worth taking.” Spica commented with pride. “But yes, I hope not having to face her either...”

“Fine, watch me closely this time.” said Marin “you don't just focus on rock's the weak point, feel the atoms of the rock and how they are miniature universes, then channel your inner self into crushing that structure.” she once again hit the rock turning it into debris. “Your sixth sense is already partially awakened so you shouldn't have problems with it”.

“Ok, focus on your soul, on the universe inside yourself” repeated Ryouga as he began meditating about stars, the cosmos and the meaning of life, and a glimpse of his cosmos let itself through his body and became visible, so he was prepared to strike and... “Bakusai Tenketsu!!” his index finger found the weak spot by instinct alone and the rock exploded.

“You were so close, why can't you just listen?”

“I'm sorry I just can't help it, everytime I'm going to hit it I see the weak point and just press it”

“Give me your bandana” spoke a very indignant Marin.

“Why do you want it for?” said Ryouga while handing over the piece of clothing.

“For this!” the silver amazon yelled in frustration as she tied it tightly around Ryouga's eyes

In the gelid and silent tundra a series of violent echoes resounded for miles, not the ones one would expect from a beast hurting its prey, but from something way more terrifying, they were produced by human fists, enraged human fists hitting human flesh. A very mad aspirant to saint was unleashing punishment against a fellow trainee.

“How you dare seeking sainthood for such a selfish desire?!” Issac was out of his mind while his victim laid down in pain, Mousse had never taken such a beating before, and that was saying something, nothing Saotome or the old mummy had done to him in the past could compare, and this guy hadn't finished his training!!.

“Saints are the keepers of peace and justice, and you say you came here just to get laid by a common wench?” Isaak kept on ranting while hitting even harder than before. However these words were the last drop, Mousse could endure anything they did to him, but would never tolerate someone badmouthing his muse, his inspiration, the girl he had dedicated his life to. Then he felt something building up inside, something beyond the ki and stronger than his battle aura. “Don't insult my motives!” the young joketsuzoku yelled as he stood “And don't dare insult Shampoo!!” And thus, he fought back...

“Faster, faster!” yelled Marin while throwing rocks at an inhuman speed to her blindfolded disciple “you are still too slow!”

“Ahhhh!” Ryouga kept on his efforts to block each and every rock with his punches. He had no idea how well he was doing it, having only Marin's word for it, as he not only couldn't see, but the training had also increased his already high pain threshold and he was having troubles feeling his hands making contact with the rocks.

“Enough of just using your muscles! Use your cosmo!”

“I'll show you my cosmo!!”

“I still don't see you break all of the rocks! Concentrate!”

“Arghhh!!!”

“Faster!!” Marin increased the speed “or you'll never learn the Ryu Sei ken!”

“Ranma is going to be very surprised when I surpass his speed” Ryuoga grinned just to receive an impact straight to the face.

“Don't get distracted!”

The old master Dohko watched from a peak above as the waterfall flowed with its natural force. Below his student stood in the waters, still reluctant to try what was being asked of him.

“I still think this is beyond me master” Ryu repeated “I don't feel ready”

“What is it that you fear? Haven't I taught you about the universe?”

“It is not, not feeling able, is not feeling worthy” the past experiences with his fellow student and the memories of his own selfish misdeeds filled his head. Of course that reversing the waterfall sounded impossible, but a boy turning into a girl by having contact with water, someone being as insanely resilient as Ryouga, and the most destructive techniques from his sealed art appeared equally unnatural, yet he witnessed all of them. No, what worried him was the darkness in his own heart, the possibility of giving in to such evil desires. How could he be trusted with the power of a saint?

“Don't surrender to dark thoughts Ryu. They will only drive you towards failure. If you manage then you are worthy, as simple as that. Now don't hesitate anymore, Do it.”

“You are right master” Kumon concentrated once again, remembering everything that led to this moment, how the messenger managed to reach him despite he being a homeless wanderer, how he nearly threw away the letter, and how fate lead him to the Tendo dojo, the new friend he made there -the only one he could remember- and the promise to come back stronger. Then he also remembered the struggle to be accepted by the master, the long and hard training and his fight against the deceptive disciple. After coming this far he wasn't going to settle for failure. No, he wanted to succeed; he wanted to return not only as a saint, but as a better version if himself.

“Rozan Sho Ryu Ha!!”

“I’m home!” Nabiki entered the tea room of the Tendo residence for the first time in weeks. She had been traveling and visiting the different buildings and businesses that were under the trust left by Happosai. She was carrying a few packets and bags.

“Oh! My daughter!” Soun left completely the shogi game he had been having with the Panda and hurried to hug her barely containing the tears “you are home again! I was so worried for you!”

“Yes, I’m back Daddy.” Answered Nabiki while struggling for air.

“Welcome home Nabiki, how was your travel?” Her older sister greeted her.

“It was wonderful sis, next time I’m taking you with me too. And I won’t accept no for an answer” Nabiki managed to slip her head out from between the paternal expression of love.

“Oh, but there is too much to do here.”

“I don’t think you understand it Kasumi, we are rich! You don’t need to keep doing the housework.” Nabiki finally got out of her father’s grip. “I brought gifts for you and Akane!”

“Who would have thought the old master was drowning in money?” said the Tendo patriarch for the nth time. “I still can’t believe it.”

“I guess that being a thief for so long paid off in the end” Genma produced one sign after another “After all he is been active since the time of the shoguns”.

“Oh that reminds me” said Nabiki “This is for you uncle Genma” she delivered a bundle to the panda “Happosai left it for you. I have another one for Ranma, have you seen him?”

“He is training in the dojo.” Said Kasumi “he is being at it non-stop since the funeral”

“Hey Nabs!” Ranma stormed into the room “do you have something for me?” he was very anxious and eager, like a little child at Christmas who can’t wait to tear open his gifts.

“Oh, yes. Happosai left this for y…” Nabiki didn’t get to finish the sentence, as Ranma practically ripped out the bundle form her and hurried out of the room.

“Thanks Nabs!!”

“I wonder what is inside that package that interest him so much.” Commented Kasumi.

“I don’t know, knowing him is just a scroll in his ugly letter naming Ranma the heir to his school. What else it could be?”

“It is wonderful to see Ranma taking his role as Heir to the school so seriously.” said Shoun with a smile.

“Yes, very much”

It was a dry and hot day in the arena. Casios the giant awaited in one corner just in front of his mentor the Ophiuchus saint, the other corner instead, looked empty with only Aquila Marin but no trace of her student. The Pope stood with his arms crossed and part of the audience had already left. “Master, it is evident he has left the sanctuary because he was afraid of facing Casios.”

“If that is true, then we will have to look for someone else to fight him, I cannot name him Saint before he faces a tenth opponent”

“Wait! Wait!” a very hurried Airoria came running while dragging along an equally hurried Ryouga

“Don't disqualify this one just yet! Is this way you moron!!”

The two of them finally managed to reach the arena “I'm sorry, I got lost!”

“That's an excuse, Master. I'm sure he cowered and only came here because Aioiria found him and made him come.”

“Is that true?” asked the Pope.

“No, no, I would never run from a man to man fight!”

“If that's so, then why are you wearing that backpack?” accused Shaina.

“If I may have a word sir” said Airoria “It doesn't matter if he cowered or not, he is here and seems eager to fight. Coward or not”

“Again I'm not a coward!” Ryouga wasn't taking it well “I always carry my backpack just in case I get lost! You have to believe me sir!” at this point he was already grabbing the Pope by the tunic.

“Um, ok, we can proceed with the fight just don't do that again, ever...” said the master removing the lost boy's grip off him. He really had a strong grab. Recomposing himself he spoke “With all this madness I forgot what I was going to say. Just fight and the winner will earn the bronze Pegasus cloth”.

“So, I just have to win and I'll become a saint” Ryouga's thoughts focused on the stone box by the master of the sanctuary. So focused, Casios intuited he would be able to grab him by surprise and made his move to catch the lost boy. However... his open hand was greeted by an incredibly strong punch which stopped it cold, Ryouga had sensed the danger and reacted with great speed, the impact was such that the giant could feel all bones on his wrist being crushed and pulverized by it and screamed in pain.

“Sorry, did I hit you too hard?” Ryouga said with worry, it wasn't right to pick on the weak and he was having problems controlling his new level of strength, as proven by his previous nine opponents, two of them would never walk again, one was blind, one lost an arm, another one nearly died and the rest hadn’t waken up yet “Oh sir...”

“Stop mocking me!” Casios threw a punch with all of his might against the lost boy's head. Not only his target didn't flinch even a little, but he felt an intense ricochet which crushed his other hand, as if he had just hit a solid block of iron, and languished in pain.

Impossible! Marin was surprised and terrified by the situation, I've seen Casios behead a man with that kind of attack, how can he shrug it off as if it was nothing? There's no way the human body could take that much punishment.Just who the hell I've been training?

“Shouldn't we stop this fight? He's going to be severely hurt if we keep going.”

“I said, take me seriously!” Casios began a furious charge against Ryuoga. But the boy disappeared in a blur and the giant got stopped dead on his tracks, and then fell unconscious as the lost boy landed a few feet behind and caught him before hitting the ground.

“Sorry, but I warned you.” said Ryouga while carrying his opponent and leaving him in front of his mentor “Make sure he is taken care of. I hope he recovers.”

Everybody was speechless and silent. The fight had ended so quickly and as unceremoniously that they were still processing what had happened. “Um, oh, yes.” the Pope snapped “the winner is Ryouga! And as such I grant him the title of Saint and the Pegasus cloth. Everybody welcome Athena's latest Saint!” Ryouga was ecstatic. He was glad he came here; all of the training had been worth it. He began running to receive his prize.

“Um son, the podium is this way.” the Pope said the pope to an embarrassed Ryouga who corrected his course and arrived at the right spot.

“Today you were reluctant to abuse your power in the arena, don't forget that self-control now that you have received your cloth. Remember, Athena's Saints are meant to fight for justice and to keep the peace of the world, and as one you are not to use your cloth for selfish purposes. And now if you don't mind I will retire to my chambers, this whole ordeal left me with a headache”

That same night a group of sanctuary guards were patrolling and desperately searching inside every single spot they could think of. Meanwhile at the outskirts of the sanctuary Shaina awaited impatiently to intercept the two fugitives she was sure would be fleeing that same night. It was impossible for them to escape without them going through her, of course provided the guards didn't find them before.

The night was very advanced already and there were no traces of them, but the silver saint wouldn't lower her guard. They would show up sooner or later, sooner or later, anytime now. For sure they couldn't be more than a few minutes away. It was impossible they were foolish enough to remain on their hut when her loyal men were surely going after them. Yes it was entirely possible they were hiding somewhere close, waiting for her to get tired and give up, but she was smarter than them, she wouldn't allow them to escape the sanctuary and specially not getting away with the cloth. She would be a sentry; she wouldn't budge or give up. Sooner or later they will make a mistake and reveal themselves. It was only a matter of time...

“Where's Marin’s hut?” said Ryouga to a very confused Russian soldier.

I can't believe I got lost again!!...

To be continued

Forgive me for not being a walking stereotype. Saint Ryouga
Hyp3rB14d3 Since: Jan, 2001
#483: Jan 9th 2015 at 11:29:13 AM

Honestly, the Nerima Wrecking Crew are terrible choices as Saints. All of them abuse their martial arts abilities and physical prowess for selfish reasons on a regular basis. However, they're also the most likely ones Happosai would pick, so it's really the fault of whoever left him in charge of this (and again, Happosai is not someone who should be allowed to pick Saints).

Speaking of choices, you made some odd ones for the saints. Ryouga and Mousse I'll give you, and I'll even throw in Tatewaki Kuno, since Happosai has worked with him before. But Ryu Kumon? Has Happosai even met him? And Kodachi? I assumed the reason Happosai was keeping Shampoo and Ukyou out of it was either his thing against women or to keep Ranma's fiances out of it, but Kodachi makes no sense with either theory. I would recommend putting in some sort of in-story reasoning behind those choices at some point.

You seem to have everyone on much better terms with Happosai than they should be. Nobody likes Happosai. At all. If Happosai called everyone together like that, odds are that nobody would actually come. He would need to dangle some sort of bait for them.

I'm also not sure where the "Nabs" thing comes from. Ranma isn't on good terms with Nabiki. I'm pretty sure I've never seen him refer to her as that.

Ryouga is quite capable of hitting rocks without using Bakusai Tenketsu. The problem where he doesn't actually need to use cosmos to break them would still be there, but having him constantly using Bakusai Tenketsu after repeatedly being told not to makes him come off as much dumber than he actually is.

Not much to say about Ryu. He's a one-off character who is surprisingly popular. Kind of like Herb in that respect. He always came off as kind of rude to me, though. In here, on the other hand, he seems to be very respectful and honorable. Almost like you grabbed the Ryu from Street Fighter instead.

Kuno is Kuno. And Kuno gets very little attention.

Kodachi is Kodachi. And Kodachi also gets very little attention.

Mousse seems like he should have gotten a lot more attention than he did. You made it sound like you were going to do major revelations about the origin of his character, as he puts even Shampoo on the backburner for this. Instead, he runs off, and we get a little bit about his training. And that's it.

Marin seems to have been not paying much attention. Ryouga was having issues tapping into his cosmos because he DIDN'T NEED IT to complete the training tasks she was giving him and horribly maimed his last nine opponents, but she was somehow surprised by how badly he was beating his most recent one? Also, it's kind of alarming how brazenly the fic treats Ryouga crippling his opponents.

Ryouga also seems to have gotten a disproportionately large amount of attention. Which would be good if you were just covering him, with the intent to go back and cover the others when they made their appearances in the tournament or something, but you seems to be covering all of them at once, but not giving any of them the attention they need.

Likewise, we hardly see anything about their trainers or fellow students outside of when they screw up or when they're fighting them. And while the trainers and fellow students aren't as important to the story as the future saints, it's still something to consider.

Also, did Ryouga actually tap into his cosmos? Heck, did any of them? Because it wasn't very clear. There aren't any scenes showing any of them tapping into their Cosmos for the first time. From the sounds of it, one or more of them could be operating on ki alone. Which would be very bad once they start running into opponents above the Bronze Saint level, and could serve as an important plot point.

edited 9th Jan '15 11:41:08 AM by Hyp3rB14d3

EvaUnit01 Fandom Heretic Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Fandom Heretic
#484: Jan 9th 2015 at 9:17:50 PM

Someone remind me who Ryu Kumon is?

TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#485: Jan 9th 2015 at 9:51:37 PM

The Yamasenken guy.

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
EvaUnit01 Fandom Heretic Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Fandom Heretic
#486: Jan 10th 2015 at 4:33:30 PM

Okay, yeah, I remember him now.

Hyp3rB14d3 Since: Jan, 2001
#487: Jan 10th 2015 at 6:24:36 PM

Yeah. Him. The guy who pretended to be Ranma Saotome so that he could lure out the real Ranma in order to get the Umisenken scroll. And then moved in with Nodoka Saotome to put pressure on Ranma when Ranma didn't give it to him. Yeah, someone who was willing to hold someone else's mom hostage while pretending to be them really doesn't strike me as polite and honorable.

Not that he's a bad character or anything, just that I really can't see him acting all polite and honorable and having it be anything more than an act. That said, I can totally see him putting on such an act if he thinks it will help him advance his goals.

edited 10th Jan '15 6:28:25 PM by Hyp3rB14d3

MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#488: Jan 10th 2015 at 11:33:47 PM

To be fair, the guy was orphaned by Genma teaching the Yamasenken to his father (who then managed to collapse the dojo upon himself by accidentally destroying a crucial part of the support structure). That Genma taught the man with relatively good intentions and no malice at all doesn't seem to have gotten through to the kid, though; he probably thinks that Genma was being insidious all along.

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
KnightofLsama Since: Sep, 2010
#489: Jan 11th 2015 at 12:40:19 AM

[up] As opposed to a dumbass who didn't stop to think things through.

Hyp3rB14d3 Since: Jan, 2001
#490: Jan 11th 2015 at 3:47:07 AM

To be fair, his father was also kind of a dumbass that didn't think things through. It's a rather common trait for martial artists in Ranma 1/2.

Kaitroper Since: Oct, 2012
#491: Jan 11th 2015 at 6:01:26 PM

[up]Wow, lots of food for thought!

Quote:

Honestly, the Nerima Wrecking Crew are terrible choices as Saints. All of them abuse their martial arts abilities and physical prowess for selfish reasons on a regular basis. However, they're also the most likely ones Happosai would pick, so it's really the fault of whoever left him in charge of this (and again, Happosai is not someone who should be allowed to pick Saints).

And that's a good thing. It is a reason to have some chaos. More of a thought experiment with sociopathic saints.

Quote:

Speaking of choices, you made some odd ones for the saints. Ryouga and Mousse I'll give you, and I'll even throw in Tatewaki Kuno, since Happosai has worked with him before. But Ryu Kumon? Has Happosai even met him? And Kodachi? I assumed the reason Happosai was keeping Shampoo and Ukyou out of it was either his thing against women or to keep Ranma's fiances out of it, but Kodachi makes no sense with either theory. I would recommend putting in some sort of in-story reasoning behind those choices at some point.

I wasn't going to go with Kuno, but the guy just maps very well to Jabu. Very similar for Kodachi, except I kind of needed her. I promise there will be good explanation for the picks (not one of my brightest moments, but I took fridge logic to the extreme and it is potentially very funny, though you might want to unsee it after it is revealed).

Quote:

You seem to have everyone on much better terms with Happosai than they should be. Nobody likes Happosai. At all. If Happosai called everyone together like that, odds are that nobody would actually come. He would need to dangle some sort of bait for them.

The reasoning was: a) Ryouga would wander there anyway, b) Mouse *spoiler* spoiler* spoiler c) Kuno is an hypocrite, and if the request was very dignified and stressed the importance of the calling and how honorable it would be, Kuno falls very easily for that kind of stuff, d) Kodachi, well she kind of barely interacted with Happosai, and would go for the chance to see Ranma, e) Ranma lives in there already, f) Ryu, he knows nothing about Happosai and he doesn't know why he is in that place, curiosity and the hope of this being what the Yamasenken failed to be. Overall the promise of more power is in there for all of them.

I can't really find the right balance in the deathbed scenes. At first there was a "No need to kill him just yet!" from Ryouga, but I felt it was too gratuitously petty.

Quote:

I'm also not sure where the "Nabs" thing comes from. Ranma isn't on good terms with Nabiki. I'm pretty sure I've never seen him refer to her as that.
I'm not sure where it came from, need to change it. But if it helps, this happens at the end of volume 28, instead of Ranma's Tears, the wedding fiasco and the resolution of the thing with Ranma's Mother are yet to happen. (No Akari either). Besides Ranma's enthusiasm has to do with whatever is in the scroll.

Quote:

Ryouga is quite capable of hitting rocks without using Bakusai Tenketsu. The problem where he doesn't actually need to use cosmos to break them would still be there, but having him constantly using Bakusai Tenketsu after repeatedly being told not to makes him come off as much dumber than he actually is.

Need to rewrite that part then, it was supposed to be funny and to show how weird is the interaction between the universes.

Quote:

Not much to say about Ryu. He's a one-off character who is surprisingly popular. Kind of like Herb in that respect. He always came off as kind of rude to me, though. In here, on the other hand, he seems to be very respectful and honorable. Almost like you grabbed the Ryu from Street Fighter instead.

Well, yeah, Ryu is cruel, rude, and manipulative. But he is also honorable in other ways, he seems to be a man of his word and he felt in deep despair when he learned the truth of the two arts, and how they were meant to be used. Right now I put him into a path of atonement.

Quote:

Kuno is Kuno. And Kuno gets very little attention.

Next chapter will hand out the spotlight to Kuno. Promise.

Quote:

Kodachi is Kodachi. And Kodachi also gets very little attention.
Sooner or later I will come to that. Promise.

Quote:

Mousse seems like he should have gotten a lot more attention than he did. You made it sound like you were going to do major revelations about the origin of his character, as he puts even Shampoo on the backburner for this. Instead, he runs off, and we get a little bit about his training. And that's it.

His turn into the spotlight will come.

Marin seems to have been not paying much attention. Ryouga was having issues tapping into his cosmos because he DIDN'T NEED IT to complete the training tasks she was giving him and horribly maimed his last nine opponents, but she was somehow surprised by how badly he was beating his most recent one? Also, it's kind of alarming how brazenly the fic treats Ryouga crippling his opponents.

The surprise was more at being made of iron. SS makes a big deal out of how fragile the saints are without the armor, and here is one who can take a deadly punch -a decapitating punch- as if it was nothing. Need to excise the detail of the crippled opponents, or make his reaction more explicit?

Ryouga also seems to have gotten a disproportionately large amount of attention. Which would be good if you were just covering him, with the intent to go back and cover the others when they made their appearances in the tournament or something, but you seems to be covering all of them at once, but not giving any of them the attention they need.

Likewise, we hardly see anything about their trainers or fellow students outside of when they screw up or when they're fighting them. And while the trainers and fellow students aren't as important to the story as the future saints, it's still something to consider.

This is part of what forced me into rewrite after rewrite, needing to break what was the prologue to make room for more interaction, and the chronology breaking down. Basically I was trying to turn everything into a montage and then go straight to the point -the Galaxian wars-. But then I had to write additional scenes and Ryouga just ended up with the most spotlight, closely followed by Ryu. But I shall equalize it all in the end -I hope. In general it is difficult for me because I really want to advance the plot.

Also, did Ryouga actually tap into his cosmos? Heck, did any of them? Because it wasn't very clear. There aren't any scenes showing any of them tapping into their Cosmos for the first time. From the sounds of it, one or more of them could be operating on ki alone. Which would be very bad once they start running into opponents above the Bronze Saint level, and could serve as an important plot point.

mmm, I thought it was clear for Mouse and Ryu. Their scenes in chapter 2 were meant to show that. No word on Ryouga, or the Kunos yet.

Thank you!

edited 11th Jan '15 6:04:21 PM by Kaitroper

Forgive me for not being a walking stereotype. Saint Ryouga
EvaUnit01 Fandom Heretic Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Fandom Heretic
#492: Jan 18th 2015 at 8:53:29 PM

So I was looking for Devilman fic the other day. And it's a sad, sad fanfic scene to be in - there basically is one fic in the main category proper, with about a half-dozen assorted crossovers. One of which was a Ranma crossover. I haven't gotten around to reading it yet, but the summary promises Original Flavor. ...For the Devilman verse, I mean.

TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#493: Feb 12th 2015 at 12:43:03 PM

So, Unit-kun, was it you who linked that Ranma / G Gundam crossover? "Anything Goes Gundam Fight", or something?

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
EvaUnit01 Fandom Heretic Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Fandom Heretic
#494: Feb 12th 2015 at 12:45:47 PM

Yeah, that was me that linked it.

I really hope it updates someday, but I'm not optimistic about the chances.

TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#495: Feb 14th 2015 at 9:28:26 AM

So, why I'm asking. Do you know any other story where Ranma fights some giant robots?

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.
MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#496: Feb 14th 2015 at 9:33:47 AM

Fights giant robots? I don't know, but I've seen stories where he pilots a giant robot. Or is a reluctant "passanger" of a giant robot-like lifeform (alongside Kasumi and Nabiki in the one instance I know ofnote ).

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
EvaUnit01 Fandom Heretic Since: Mar, 2011 Relationship Status: Complex: I'm real, they are imaginary
Fandom Heretic
#497: Feb 14th 2015 at 10:52:01 AM

@Nobody: I don't often look for Ranma fic. Heck, I found 'that'' one while scouting for G Gundam fic. But no, I'm not aware of any other such fics.

Hyp3rB14d3 Since: Jan, 2001
#498: Feb 14th 2015 at 1:52:46 PM

There are a few Evangelion crossovers, but most of those are terrible.

MarqFJA The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer from Deserts of the Middle East (Before Recorded History) Relationship Status: Anime is my true love
The Cosmopolitan Fictioneer
#499: Feb 14th 2015 at 9:22:56 PM

And at least one, The Wild Horse Thesis, had promising potential in its core premise and ideas, but marred by generally subpar implementation and extensive Ranma One Half character-bashing (it would be different if the author had said that it's an AU where they are that horrible, but believing them to be canonically that horrible is another matter).

Fiat iustitia, et pereat mundus.
TheNobody Since: Jan, 2011
#500: Feb 15th 2015 at 2:06:40 AM

Any fic that can be described as "Ranma fights with giant robots" would do. Whether he fights with them as in together, or with them as in against, doesn't matter.

So, I'm off searching for that Innortal fanfic.

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.

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