Critique the following opening.

This is kinda something random I developed while in the car to keep me busy. I really don't know what to make of it. I guess to me it seems a little too random.

It was quite some time before the bustling, lively atmosphere of the room was tainted with a foreign arrival. Finally, the old, rusty door was slowly creaked open as every head turned to face the new sound. A figure stood in the luminescent light of the doorway; almost a silhouette with an outline as hazy as sunset. It was a man; a British man; and a quintessential British man at that. Tall. Well dressed. Well groomed. As he peered into the distant depths of the vast darkly-lit room, his cold, sharp stare penetrated every soul that faced him. Yet his deep blue eyes sparkled with great confidence; a confidence that revealed tales of ambition and success. His aura of pride seemed to spread, encompassing all those around him as he strode forward. Tension held the room like a suspension bridge. Everyone on the closely packed tables and chairs forgot what they were doing and precariously held their breath. It was time.

Silence.

Then, out of nowhere, a word was muttered in a thick British accent. Suddenly, the cables holding the bridge snapped. The room let out a cheer that shook the stars as the figure collapsed in front of them. What remained of his former pride was subsequently crushed underneath the masses of shoes that walked over him as the people rushed to the doorway. The door closed behind them. Nothing of any importance was going to be left there.

Now, for the purposes of storytelling and dramatic tension for you, the reader, I, the narrator, am obliged to not tell you what exactly this man said. You may find out. You may not. But don't sacrifice the rest of your attention to focus on finding hints as to what this word was - this is, after all, only a story. You never know, stories can always spring the most unexpected surprises...

Note: If this seems like I have developed a really elaborate plot to weave into this introduction, I haven't (lol). I have a few ideas, but that's about it. So what are your thoughts?

edited 29th Apr '12 6:09:09 AM by sturmthedark

A lot of your choice of words is very odd or occasionally just incorrect. For instance, in about thirty seconds I noticed:

- a tautology ('luminescent light')
- a weird description ('a British man; and a quintessential British man at that' - how does everyone know he's British, and what's so quintessentially British about him?)
- a contradiction ('darkly-lit room')
- an inappropriate simile ('Tension held the room like a suspension bridge' sounds strange and is by itself completely meaningless; it seems as though it's been used solely so that you can come back to it a couple of lines later)
- an inappropriate word choice ('precariously held their breath' just doesn't make sense)
- another inappropriate simile ('a cheer that shook the stars' would be a little odd but passable if they were outside at night; in an enclosed artificially-lit room it's completely out of place)
- another weird description ('out of nowhere' - why is it unexpected and out of nowhere for a man to enter a room and say something? That actually seems like, you know, exactly what you would expect him to do.)
- some 'look how clever I am' metanarration ('You may find out. You may not.')
- a cliche ('You never know, stories can always spring the most unexpected surprises.')

Those are solely the things that I found to be examples of poor writing by reading through it once. My general impression is that you've just tried to shoehorn in words and phrases that you like the sound of regardless of whether they go together, make sense, or communicate something meaningful. Maybe that's symptomatic of this being a piece of writing which is in your own words something random you developed to keep yourself busy, rather than something you actually wrote with the intent to communicate anything meaningful in the first place.

edited 29th Apr '12 10:06:17 AM by cityofmist

There is sort of kind of a thread for this already which could use a bump.

You know what? You're absolutely right. You couldn't be any more correct when you say that I've thrown a load of words/phrases together to create something...random. Sorry, I've just read the entire thing back and it doesn't make any sense. And that last paragraph made me cringe. Ugh. But yeah, from reading this now I can instantly recognize at least 12 random places where I have drawn ideas from and quite literally shoehorned them together - I never really had an intent to communicate something meaningful while thinking of this. But thanks for your critique - it was the purpose of this thread, after all.

Thank you - I will keep this for future reference (though I won't post stuff like this in there). The next time I write something, I'll make sure to actually think about what I've written. Damn this was stupid.

edited 29th Apr '12 12:34:38 PM by sturmthedark