Please read the rules below before posting. We're taking turns to post text, and text posted out of turn will be hollered.
The discussion over at the "Is being Troperiffic a Bad Thing?"
thread got a few of us seriously talking about starting a full-fledged, free for all dedicated ConCrit thread. Thanks go to your friendly neighborhood Herald, Chihuahua0, for giving this the go-ahead 
This is how it's going to work:
- This thread is for helping people improve as writers. Please stay away from needlessly gushing or needlessly being mean when handing out criticism.
- No mentioning your own work when giving out criticism. This is to prevent "Let's talk about ME" derails.
- Feedback will be given to one person at a time. We're taking a deliberately slow pace; a person's turn to get feedback is generally supposed to last a week, but we're not ending someone's turn until they get feedback from at least five different people. On the other hand, the person getting feedback can end their own turn if they figure they're done.
- When a turn ends, we wait 12 hours to see if anyone of the people who have just given feedback wants to be up next. If they don't, we pick the person up next from the feedback request list.
- Yes, it's okay to point out spelling and grammar errors made by the person you're giving feedback to.
- If you're unfamiliar with the original verse of a piece of Fan Fiction up for feedback, pretend it's a piece of original fiction and criticize accordingly.
- If and when you step up to receive feedback:
- Post actual writing (not world-building, concepts, layouts, character lists and so on).
- Be specific in what you are looking for, or at least mention what is troubling you the most.
- Fan Fiction is fine, but take into account that anyone not familiar with the source material will judge your piece "blind", essentially by the same standards as original fiction. This means you might get called out on flaws that fan fiction usually gets away with in practice, perhaps even justifiably so. Just like any other kind of criticism, consider it or ignore at at your discretion.
- Be ready to hear some things you probably didn't want to hear. This should go without saying, but, please: No being bitter, being sarcastic, calling people out for "going too far" or otherwise expressing disapproval of the criticism given to you. If you think people are being unfair to your writing, make your case civilly.
With that said, I suppose we can begin and see whether this goes anywhere. The first person to respond with a post to the extent of "I'll go first" will go first.
edited 17th Feb '12 5:07:01 PM by TripleElation
MIA
Thanks
MIA
A wandering user
How is it going?
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
I think Sam got busy again. Also, War 877, who has been running this thread, is currently on an indefinite vacation.
I'll PM Sam on my lunch break today. Which is in a couple hours.
edited 29th Aug '16 7:00:20 AM by CrystalGlacia
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
A wandering user
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
I see..
PMed Sam. But even if his turn ends soon, there's a good chance you might not get much help anytime soon. A lot of people around this forum are in college or even high school, and most US high schools and colleges are starting back up around this time. People are busy moving into dorms, getting things set up for the school year, settling into classes, all that good stuff. I'm no exception, I'm working, too, and chances are good that I might not have much time to help you out beyond the first chapter or two.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
A wandering user
Erghh, better wait then.
Maybe Christmas can help us out.
A wandering user
To be exact though, I wasn't asking for my turn, just wondering where did everyone go, that's all.
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
Oh, alright. Whatever you choose to do, whether that's leaving yourself on the list until things start back up or taking yourself off the list entirely, make sure you update the waitlist accordingly.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
Sam's agreed to end his turn, and I'll continue helping him via PM whenever his schedule loosens up.
That means you're up, Luigi. If nobody comments on your piece by Saturday morning, I'll give it a look.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
A wandering user
I...see! I'll be ready for any feedback!
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
Give me a couple days and I'll help out.
A wandering user
OK then!
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
So... where is the link again?
There's a DeviantArt link and a Wattpad link on the waitlist, but you need an account to read it on Wattpad, and you have to flip back a few pages to find the story on DA.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
"They kept running and running until from a split second, they collided with each other face to face. They were briefly unconscious for 2 minutes until they woke up simultaneously and the man with red shirt felt dizzy for moment, actually, all were dizzy."
Ok, what with the pratfalls, and the somewhat breathless pace, I'm assuming this is all meant somewhat tongue in cheek? One thing I notice is that you need to establish character. When you introduce each person for the first time, dont just tell us what they look like or what they are doing- get us inside their head and describe what they are feeling and experiencing. You will need to figure out some way to make each of the main characters unique from each other- the alien girl seems more fearful and easily intimidated than the others, the human girl seems energetic to the point of being somewhat hyper, and I cant get a good read on the two guys. You should take these unique character traits and use them as filters through which each of them experience being chased by the bad guys. Alien girl might be afraid of the hundreds of tall, creepy, woody growths that block her view and muffle sound in the forest (they look like tentacled monsters grasping for the sky), while human girl might come across a bit like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland (I'm going to get caught! I'm going to get caught! Oh no, oh no, oh no!!). Or something like that. These are merely suggestions to illustrate my point, you will want to develop these characters in whatever way best suits the story you want to tell.
The musical interjections are amusing, but it might be more effective still to link to an actual sound clip.
Overall, the impression I get from the writing style is not entirely unlike the Lego movie. The plot moves along at breakneck speed, no cliche is too obvious not to be milked for all its worth, the situations are so silly all you can do is go along with it.
Again, you need to develop the characters a bit when the receive their super powers. Have them bicker among themselves. No matter what else is happening, it's always funnier if the main characters are bickering. Obvious twist: one of the characters likes to make corny speeches when something important is about to happen, the others complain loudly. Another can be genre savvy, and point out all the tired cliches they are acting out, that kind of thing. Again, just suggestions.
Good start.
A wandering user
Hmm, I see about these points, and you may have a good reason about it, maybe I can tweak it better next time though this is more of an Anime style writing and the Lego movie is not what comes to mind about it.
What about the prologue though?
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
Thing is, that want really a prologue, more a cliff notes version of the backstory. Prologue still follow narrative style conventions. Most of them take the form of a mini story that occurs before the main events, although sci fi sometimes makes use of the "Encyclopedia Galactica" entry.
A wandering user
I see.
Also, as for the villains, what do they remind you of?
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
A wandering user
Hello?
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
Sorry, I get distracted by real life. They dont remind me of anyone in particular, but I often miss pop culture references.
I did read the first chapter, and they mostly just remind me of arc villains from Shonen or Shojo anime, like from Bleach or Sailor Moon. Sailor Moon sticks more in my head, but that might just be because I watched the dub for Sailor Moon Crystal about two months ago, and haven't watched Bleach in almost ten years. Kinda-Card Carrying Villains that basically just exist to get physically defeated/vanquished at the end of the arc, only for another one that's only loosely or not at all related to past villains to take their place. You mentioned that you're going partially for a zany shonen anime feel, and the villains do remind me of that, so that's probably good news for you.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
A wandering user
OK then!
To be honest, my purpose is that by now, there are only 4 arcs in the story, the Initiation Arc (1-6), Sibling Arc (7-10), Gem Arc (11-18) and the Bloodshed Arc (17-21), all of them contain the same set of villains that stay for the rest of the story, showing both trial and error in how to deal with their enemies, that's a difference from the usual villain arcs of some Shounen series.
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
Virile Member
Are we moving on to the next poster?
"Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man; and his number is 0x29a."
A wandering user
I don't know, ask either one of the main posters or you can try review my story.
The only good fanboy, is a redeemed fanboy.
Welcome to the party, Ewolf. We take turns giving critique in this thread, so add yourself to the bottom of the waitlist and you'll get a PM when it's your turn. So you've got some time to review the rules posted at the bottom of the waitlist page, and to get whatever you need help with polished up.
edited 23rd Aug '16 3:44:03 AM by CrystalGlacia
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."