Nil, by Forzare

Found here.

Nil is my first attempt to write anything longer than about five hundred words, mostly because I woke up one day and decided I wanted to see if I could fight through my short attention span and stick with one project long enough to write a full-length novel. Taking inspiration from sources such as The Dark Tower, HP Lovecraft, and Lost, Nil is a soft sci-fi/horror story about a pair of siblings caught up in a growing multiversal apocalypse. I could say more, but we'd be here all day, and I'd rather not give too much away for those of you who haven't read it yet.

Basically, it's something that's way too ambitious for my first attempt at a novel. As of this post, I have the first part, Harbingers, consisting of 12 chapters and 29,000 words, posted on Fictionpress, and chapter 13 mostly written on my hard drive.

I'd like some feedback on what I have so far. I've already got a list of things to go back and change/fix if I finish, but I'd like input from other people.

It is also helpful when people ask questions about background information/the setting, because that's when it's easiest for me to come up with things.

I dunno what else to say, so, uh, thanks in advance.

Aw, I saw this and was hoping you had a chapter I hadn't read out :<

I'm pretty much done with 13. It's probably going to get posted tonight.

edited 21st Jan '12 3:41:21 PM by Forzare

THIS IS THIRTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN

>:3

Ah, awesome. Looking forward to it.

Hey Forz, do you want me to do the same I did, on my post on the Stars Above thread, here?

EDIT: lol BOOLEETS!

Chapter 1

• Minor word redundancy
• Narrator's internal monologue is good, but tends to jump onto loose phrases. (as in the punchlines don't quite fit and feel unrelated, mostly on the first few short paragraphs)
• Consistent “deadpan” punchline phrases, very good as an identifier for the narrator.
• Realistic depiction and reaction with lady in store; no heroics, just curiosity and simple good will are relatively fresh and help give another clue as to the setting's mood –and character.
• Awkward break: it is identifiable as such but doesn’t quite feel correct; the vibrating phone, despite the implied caller, feels strange as a break.
• Awkward break: the transition from getting in the car to after laser tag was way too abrupt despite the continuity in the joke that marks it - could be fixed with formatting or a little bit more of dialogue.

Chapter 2

• You are good at setting up a context clearly and easily, without going into a descriptive rant about a relatively new setting or location. The small time reference frame you used right at the beginning was short enough to not feel invasive but long enough to hold importance in the reader’s mind. However, there is something that feels bizarre about the wording of the first two sentences, like they refer to one week even when it makes more sense that they are 2 consecutive weeks.
• “I didn't even like Cody all that much. I mostly just hung out with him because I felt bad for him.” These sentences are relevant because of an issue I remember from a later chapter, it was a possible contradiction –more on that later.
• You managed to make Cody a consistent character with few descriptions and mostly dialogue. I feel that most characters with similar tendencies would be written purposely as annoying, but you –in my personal opinion- managed to make him likeable here and further on even (spoilers to anyone who hasn’t read prevent further comment at this moment).
• "Then why does everyone know about Saturday?" I don’t think you actually stated that his salad fork accident happened on that day, you only mentioned the sister attending the laser tag party. Even though it could be deduced that those 2 events did happen the same day, there might be room for confusion considering that the only thing that happened then, as written, was the party.
• Awkward break: after the Fridge Realization at the end of the school day – very abrupt jump onto his room; I recommend a formatting there.

Chapter 3

• Very personal opinion: Danny didn’t seem all that bothered by the knife in comparison with his sister; although her expressions are described and make for a very easily pictured image (and her being relatively younger might explain why she is more affected by the circumstances), the lack of anything equivalent on Daniel’s part feels unbalanced. There are a few bits that give a clue as to how he is feeling, but picturing his face –so to speak- is, in contrast, more difficult than his sister’s.
• Right after the end of the knife incident, three paragraphs (the last one mentions Kincaid) have the word “days” and are correctly separated because of the different time segments they refer to; even so, they feel slightly redundant and could use a revision.
• As Fringe said some time ago, you do have a knack for keeping “serious” and silly balanced with the slice of life segments. They are very self contained and therefore don’t particularly affect the story in a way that may make it seem like it isn’t taking itself seriously enough. The realism in them, in spite maybe of the story’s genre, is what I think keeps them balanced overall.
• Kincaid’s intro is well balanced on the suspicion signs. The hints you give as to him being suspicious, aside from Danny’s preface and general feeling, are obvious but not too much –they’d probably leave the reader thinking for just a second about his nature. The accent is an exception to this though.
• Danny’s consideration of Cody as a friend doesn’t really appear up until he asks for the favor. As I see it, even if you wanted to make it obvious that they were closer than their very first interaction blatantly said, you still made –from Danny’s POV actually- him seem like a fly, as I said before. It in fact would appear that Cody himself is the one who is “closer” to Daniel, but that said “friendship” is not very reciprocal on Danny’s part. Case in point: “I leaned down over my fallen 'friend.'” is not very much like Danny is trying too hard to make it seem like he isn’t, but that YOU as the writer are.

Chapter 4

• I liked the realism imprinted not only in Danny’s words and reactions, but in the whole class’. It is very cohesive, as everyone is relatively equally affected (Kincaid is an exception), and no reaction is under or overplayed by anyone else’s, even with Danny, as narrator, having a sort of privilege when expressing his own impressions.
• On a related note, the picture you painted of the movement of the students as a whole, but divided by the witness condition some held and others didn’t, adds to the realism of the setting – as short as that section is.
• It is also here that I think you concretely make the reader aware of the brotherly instinct played straight for Danny. It also serves as a sort of alternate doorway into his psyche that was not quite presented before.
• I can say that right there, when Cody reveals Kincaid is missing, Danny’s dialogue –and monologue- would make me think he does consider him a friend. I believe that from this point on their interactions get consistent, and so, can say that whatever could be fixed is in past chapters.

edited 21st Jan '12 4:22:11 PM by Rareitor

Yes, please.

^ LOL I CANNOT OUTSMART BOOLEET

edited 21st Jan '12 4:37:29 PM by Forzare

One important note: When I wrote the published chapters in Word, I inserted "~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"s between scene breaks, to make them clear. When I uploaded to FP, the tildes vanished, so it appears that it just jumps from scene to scene without any indication. I don't know how to make them show up, since the FP document editor is kind of borked for me.

Yay for broken editors... oh wait that's bad... boolit points ftw

okay... -okguyfaic-

edited 21st Jan '12 5:22:54 PM by Rareitor

^ GET BACK TO CHAPTER 5

Anyway, I've finished writing 13. I'm gonna finish watching Super8, then I'm gonna edit it a bit, then I'll post it.

^^^Did you try using ————— instead of ~~~~~~~~~?

^Awesome.

I think I did.

Well, at least the lack of scene breaks will make it closer to being True Art.*

And Chapter 13, Elsewhere, is now online.

As I said, I think this is one of your strongest chapters yet... but I'll repeat it on here for the sake of shameless plugging.

First off, I really love the weirdness and otherness of your description of the void, it sort of reminded me of 2001. The line "Time does not exist in the void. There is only sensation, and thought" is fantastic.

Danny's breakdown feels very authentic, you really hammered home the emotional toll. I've seen those before, and they're never pretty, but you've captured what it's like almost perfectly.

I was not expecting the diploma bit, and I'm really curious now to see the explanation for it. Bravo.

So overall, well done. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

I don't think the diploma really needs explanation. It's just one of the differences between "our" world and that one. Our present is the year 2012, theirs is in the 1400s. Like how their technology (or at least, televisions and photographs) are decades behind ours.

edited 21st Jan '12 8:41:37 PM by Forzare

Woah, been busy lately. I dropping just a bit of what caught my attention on 2 chapters;a small update until I can really get through the rest, and see if I find something useful to say

Chapter 5

• bits of the narration, mainly medium sized paragraphs followed by one or two seemingly independent sentences could use some formatting; some of those sentences could be part of the paragraph they come after. This doesn’t happen as often near bits of dialogue, but you might want to check that too. (in this chapter it mostly happens at the start, thought I’ve this issue somewhere in your chapters.)

Chapter 6

• I personally think the twisting of ankles is overused, but eh, I suppose it works.
• ”But like it's arms, everything was too long, too -thing-” just a typo that bothers me :3
• I should note that the separation of paragraphs in the Nil scene is good for the pacing, just in case you try to apply my previous comment to it.
• This might be overthinking it, but when its arm explodes, does no goo splash Laura?

THIS STORY IS NOT DEAD I SWEAR

I'm trying to plunk away at chapter 14 as we speak.

Anyway, I wanted opinions on something. Until now, I've been "The gate opens" and "doom comes" as arc words.

I still like "The gate opens" a lot, but after thinking about it for a bit I've decided that "doom comes" is way too cheesy and/or cliched to be allowed, so I'm going to replace it with something else. "Everything fades," or something of the sort. What do you guys think?

Everything fades to black?

Well, I want to keep it to just a couple words. Nil isn't the most talkative bunch. :V

Anyway, if I decide to adopt "Everything fades," then I'll probably work it into the text in other ways too. Just little references to "fading" or "fading to black" here and there. Not too much to be super obvious.

You could also try using oblivion instead of black, but maybe that would be too drastic of a word.

edited 17th Mar '12 11:31:18 PM by Forzare

SLEEP, Y U NO COME TO ME?

and I was just reminded of these lines

The die is cast/ You fade to black/ Forget the past/ There's no way back

edited 17th Mar '12 11:37:58 PM by Rareitor

Sleep is for weenies.

And I don't know that song. :V

But I need sleep! Brain no work right otherwise

Also, this song.