Total posts: 
What do you think about the villain in my story? (part 2):
The original thread was deleted (I think) OK I'm writing a sequel to a story I wrote about a college dropout who fought against gangs with his friends. In this story the villain is an extremely pretty and intelligent young collegegirl who secretly controls a gang. She was one of the characters who indirectly (without direct interaction) defeat the gang leader in the first story. In this one it turns out that she has anonymously helped a professional wrestler (and drug dealer) to find a safe strategy to sell drugs and then threatened to report him if he didn't do what he told her. Also the protagonist will meet several seemingly unrelated villains who are all connected to her in the same way and she's slowly trying to get one of her "henchmen" (The Dragon) to become US president using her other foreign "henchmen" to balance out power if necessary (of course she has collected the complete life history of all of them). She also looks extremely pretty and innocent but is actually a Complete Monster (for example at one point she will be trying to make a deal with a member of an underground society who has a strict code of laws and excruciating torture executions for anyone who breaks them. An innocent 8 year old boy somehow finds out about her plans (and she has repeatedly broken the laws before and blaming it on the protagonist) and she blames one of the instances when she broke them on the boy to get rid of him and hide the evidence) Her long-term goal is to take over the world, because she is a megalomaniac, and because she wants to create a society with intelligence-based hierarchy where people with IQ<70 for example are put in zoos for general entertainment (where the spectators can do anything they want to them including murder) and anything between 70 and 100 are slaves. After that, it would sort of be like the caste system.
Every bit of criticism we'd given you in the first thread still applies. What are her motivations? Why is she so powerful at such a young age? Why does she command that power and still bother keeping the cover of a pedestrian life? Why would she have no redeeming traits?
The system doesn't know you right now, so no post button for you.
You need to Get Known to get one of those.
Total posts: 2
TV Tropes by TV Tropes Foundation, LLC is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.
Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available from email@example.com.