Yeah, that was my problem trying to figure out how to improve it: it's easy to change it from "obnoxious fanservice" to "generic beautiful woman," but making it actually feel uncanny is challenging without completely obliterating what the original author said and starting over.
Well, looking at 'thin and wispy'... maybe you could try looking at it as 'skeletal'. You know, like photos you see of girls with anorexia. Hip bones jutting out, hollows where there shouldn't be hollows, limbs too thin.
Even in the second version, she still sounds much more beautiful than eerie or unnatural. The trick is to use words with a different connotation: 'pallid' sounds much more ominous than 'white skinned.' Maybe mentioning something about her movement and/or behavior as feeling 'off' could tip the scale towards uncanny. H.P. Lovecraft loved this device: often featuring people that seemed externally normal, even attractive, but having some weird undertone to their mood and appearance that made others uneasy.
I've returned from the depths to continue politely irritating the good people of TV Tropes.(◕‿◕✿)
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