Share your first lines!

Thank you so very much.

I like it, Anne. It does well by earning interest immediately. It asks a question, and asks it in the style that unexplained historical tomes, especially from the Medieval era, do. The "circumstances of its creation" bit really seals the deal, because it has shades of both Norse mythology and the more bizarre Medieval religious texts.

And the combat manuals of the same time period, but that's just me.

Three months ago I was hired by the most successful company in what is currently one of the world’s largest industries: the manufacturing of artificial intelligence units, or A.I.s. I graduated university with degrees in computer technology, English and psychology. In university I was highly gifted at creating programs. When I was accepted at Alpha Corp, I was ecstatic despite the fact that I’d have to undergo surgery in order to become an employee.

The procedure is an odd one. Because the files and programs required to create an AI are so complex, it is necessary for one to be able to have constant access to information. With the exception of those such as me who need the surgery for professional reasons, it is restricted to only the wealthiest people for the time being. An incision is made at the posterior base of the skull where a small nano drive is implanted into the cerebellum. This drive has microscopic fibres that connect harmlessly to the brain tissue, anchoring it in place. Afterwards, the skin around the drive is removed, replaced with a small plastic plate with a synthetic skin covering so that the drive can be easily reached. And in that drive, one can place a nano chip containing an AI, which sends signals through the fibres to stimulate the brain.

There are two types of AI: the Standard AI and the Universal AI. The Standard was the first AI prototype. It is to be uploaded onto a computer system and acts like a super user, retrieving files and information from various resources on oral or typed command. If inserted into a human’s drive, it is completely useless. The Universal AI, however, acts as a resource itself and has a satellite signal to gather information—a personal internet service provider in your brain. It can be used to acquire information with a mere neural impulse and receive service, such as an ambulance or police unit, quickly thanks to the automatic GPS system installed on production. There is also the option of having an AI personalized. And by personalized, I mean the AI unit has a personality of its own. This is the most difficult type to program. It is not as simple as programming a few personality traits inside its file. In order to create a personalized AI, an entire psychological profile is required, including memories to reinforce these qualities. And so A.I.s are based on actual human minds.

Lies.

It's the new moon you gotta watch out for. Seriously, what kind of idiot demon would come tearing through the night when the full moon is pointing it out like a sore thumb? Demons come when the world is at its darkest. Typically eclipses and new moons. They don't want you to be forewarned. They don't want you to see them before it's too late. Luckily, they don't come often. Demons only hit the same area one new moon in a few years at the most.

Where the demons come from, no one knows. Religious folk all say that they come from Hell, sent up by Satan to punish our sins and sentence the wicked. They say that the fact that there are demons proves that there is a Heaven waiting to embrace us after death. I say it's just wishful thinking. They just want to believe that there are angels and beings of absolute purity to counter the madness of the demons. They believe what they want to believe to bring them comfort. Maybe I'm just bitter. Maybe I just hate religious people. I don't know. All they've ever shown me is hate. I've never been allowed to enter a church.

It's not like I did anything to piss off a priest or something. I've never desecrated any holy buildings or statues, I've never peeked up a nun's skirt, never did anything. Okay, that's a lie. But it's not my fault. See, what I did is exist.

I'm not like other kids. I'm an abomination. I'm unnatural. I never should have been born. The world reminds me of that every day.

edited 1st Sep '11 10:59:56 AM by MechaJesus

It's really silly.

edited 1st Sep '11 9:07:33 AM by OhSoIntoCats

@Mecha Jesus: I like the second example, but the first could use some spicing up. Try to add a bit more personality to it.

"It was in a most urgent fashion that the alarm clock wailed, tearing Jacobus out of another night of restless slumber."

Yeah, it's kind of bland. D:

Well, I don't quite know how to represent it here, but the very first panel I ever drew in my comics, way back in 2003, went something like this:

Yeah, not great, but I think it does set the tone better then any of the chronologically-earlier stories I later drew.

From 'The River':

"So far, it had had happened twice today, and now Jeremy Steinberg was going for three."

Wait, what?

Not sure if serious

• end of a bad day*

• Walks into a room with six men waiting top surround him*

Anyone have something to say about my contribution? Anything at all?

It's not bad. It's not good either; it feels...disconnected, alienated, not in the least because the characters are disconnected and alienated from their surroundings. You portrayed it a little too well to make a good opening.

(Also I'm having trouble taking a name like "thousand trigger" seriously, but that's a personal issue.)

^^^^ Completely serious. The first few lines capture the mystery of the old texts because that fragment satisfies three requirements:

• From an old, barely-understood time period.
• Questions the contents of the text.
• Questions the circumstances of the book's creation.

These elements are what make those books we don't understand so fascinating. Take the Codex Dobringer, for instance. It's attributed to the German swordmaster Hans Dobringer, but we also know he was only one of four martial artists of the period that contributed to it. Furthermore, while the book is largely dedicated to combat with various weapons, there are also sections on spells and alchemy. How cool is that? And we can't say for sure who wrote those sections. Was it the swordmaster knights? A priest? It would have to be someone literate, which almost definitely means the contributor was noble or attached to the Church.

In a few lines, you beg a lot of questions. Although it might just be me; I'm fascinated by old Medieval books, and I love unraveling the mysteries that surround them. That said, from my perspective as someone who loves the real thing, you set off the same internal reaction that a real book of the appropriate time period does.

^ That one's actually pretty good. It gives just enough detail to draw in the reader.

The second sentence seems a little long, but I'm not sure of the best way to split it.

edited 2nd Sep '11 2:43:05 AM by feotakahari

Perhaps this?

I did add "mist" here, but that's because I feel it lent the same kind of atmosphere you were aiming for.

Yes, that does actually work better. Thanks guys.

edited 2nd Sep '11 7:30:43 AM by Yej

@Night: So, what exactly is the problem? I'm having a bit of a hard time understanding you here.

I'm curious if this opening line is bland or if its just me:

It draws attention, but it is a little bland.

It's kinda bland— you start with "It was," which automatically kills energy. Compare

to just

It gets to the point quicker. It's still not the strongest opener—waking up isn't a particularly interesting activity— but there's some intrigue (why is he restless?), which makes me want to read the second line.

KSPAM, I can't speak for Night, but to me, there is something awkward about the opening that keeps tripping me up. Maybe it's that there's no sense of where these people are in relation to one another, at least until the third paragraph. In the first line, I didn't know who was speaking— it was confusing, and not the good "Ooh, what's gunna happen next!" confusing. More like, "Wait, who said that? Who's Jerome? Is he the one speaking?" I think it would work better if you gave some spacial info right after the first paragraph—one or two lines that describe where the other characters are or what they're doing, rather than focusing on Jerome's dizziness.

I do like the set-up (bounty hunters post-bar fight, I presume?), but it needs a little more description of what's going on so the reader can build the scene quickly and understand what's going on. If they can't do that in the first few lines, they won't make it to later ones.

edited 2nd Sep '11 9:47:25 AM by Ronka87

More purple than bland, as I see it.

In my mind, that sentence is a bit of foreshadowing, specifically "urgency" and "alarm" clock indicating that later that day, the city he lives in is going to get sacked.

I can appreciate foreshadowing, but the problem is it's not an urgent sentence— it's a lethargic sentence trying to sound urgent, using too many words for one simple action (the alarm clock waking him up). If you desperately want to keep the word "urgent" in there, put it in a different sentence, or say "The alarm wailed urgently." Sure, it's an adverb, but it's one adverb versus nine other, unnecessary words. Cutting "It is/was/ there was/is" streamlines sentences and gives them a greater impact.

Plus, you can put foreshadowing anywhere in the intro; you don't need two foreshadowy words in one line.

edited 2nd Sep '11 11:37:42 AM by Ronka87