She kissed a girl (and didn't like it)

I'm a male. My character is a female. I would describe her, in sexual terms, as being 80% asexual, 20% straight, and 0% lesbian.

When the story takes place, she's pretty much permanently single and content with that (she's not much more into social or romantic relationships than she is into sex). However, a while before, she was still trying to figure out what she was into (she's an experimentalist, okay?).

She tried a few men. It was kind of dull, awkward, and unsatisfying.

She tried a woman. That was worse.

Basically, I'm wondering how to write a fairly non-sexual straight woman's experience. If this were a straight man who had regrettable sex with another man, I think I'd probably go with a sense of visceral disgust — a sense of revulsion at the male body and the like. I'm considering doing that with this case too, but I'm wondering if that's appropriate. The specific things straight men often don't like about male bodies (they're hairy, rough, etc) aren't applicable to women, obviously, although I suppose there could be other things as far as women's bodies go. Moreover, I'm worried that if I go too visceral in how repellent a woman's body is, it could point my character into Female Misogynist territory, which I don't want. (Somehow, I don't worry that a straight guy who goes visceral about why sex with a man is bad comes off as a Male Misandrist. Double standard?)

Any advice on how to write this, Tropers? I'm sure not all of you who tried this out in college found it a fun experience. Or... did you?

I've gotten not quite that far with the experimenting, but I am attracted to women, and I'm aware of it. But as someone who used to be completely disgusted and ashamed of such thoughts (in myself, in others it was completely okay), I think I kind of get this woman.

I think her reaction would be revulsion, but it would be perhaps subtle - feeling awkward at the gym, avoiding women in social situations (or avoiding physical contact, at least). Basically, it would probably be avoidance behaviors, and just not wanting to acknowledge that anything happened, because she just hated it that much. You can have her also start hanging out with non-romantically-inclined male friends, to emphasize her discomfort, maybe?

These are just my thoughts, as a bisexual woman (having asked some of my asexual friends what it's "like"), but I think making her reactiton subtle and not all-consuming (she still has female friends, but she is cautious around them) will help you avoid the Female Misogynist. I do like your concept!

edited 3rd Aug '11 1:36:21 AM by punkreader

Question: Does it have to be that her experience with a woman has to be "worse"? Could she not merely have found it equally "dull, awkward, and unsatisfying" as her experience with men and still have the same results/characterisation?

That'd avoid any visceral revulsion that might push it into misogyny and yet still have her deciding that it's not for her.

Possibly she also learns that she personally felt even less aroused/excited by the prospect of being with a woman than she felt at being with a man, putting her definitely more on the straight side of asexual - presuming that "20% straight" gave her some desire (that was not fulfilled by the act), it could be that she came to the realisation that not only was girl-on-girl equally uninspiring as being with a man, she really doesn't fancy girls at all.

Not revulsion, just utter disinterest - she only tried it to see, very academically, if it would be any better than the lacklustre heterosexual contact.

I think the term you are looking for is...asexual heteromantic? Maybe?

I am a heterosexual male, so I have no real personal advice I can lend to this. However, if you want to go for the visceral disgust angle, maybe focus on vaginal fluids. While saying you find a certain gender's bodyshape disgusting can be taken as misogynist/misandrist, people aren't likely to give you much guff for thinking a bodily excretion is gross.

I think a simple "this isn't doing anything for me" would suffice. There's a wide range between disgust and attraction.

You say she's 20% straight, so men have something that she likes. Do women (usually) lack that something? (not necessarily talking about dick)

edited 3rd Aug '11 9:37:03 AM by melloncollie

Well, I was assuming that for a straight woman, sex with a woman would generally be worse than sex with a man. Possibly it's just that she finds sex rather unsatisfying either way, but she thinks of men "that way" and not women, but then I guess I'm wondering whether it could be that her heterosexuality (such as it is) is a delusion, caused by a desire to be more "normal," and she's actually 100% asexual.

It would makes sense for her to feel sort of sick when she thinks about sex with women, yeah. She might feel a little uncomfortable around other women for a bit, but I imagine that would go away soon enough.

You could have it that she's completely asexual and tried men as it was the "normal" sort of behaviour to engage in - oops, dull and unsatisfying. "OK, perhaps I'm just not into men, so I'll try women instead." Nope, also dull and unsatisfying. Frankly neither "do it" for her.

While I do know straight women who'd be highly squicked out by sex with another woman, they're also not the sort that'd "just try it to see" - the revulsion would stop it before it started.

I also know a woman (A) who identifies as heterosexual, definitely prefers men to women and would not be eyeing up the women if she were trying to score a date who had a lengthy relationship with a woman (B) because there was something in B's personality A found very attractive. When B died, A went back to dating men. She did not find anything "squicky" about having sex with a woman despite years of preferring, and bonking, only men.

So sex with another woman is not necessarily repulsive to women who are, for the most part, heterosexual and I suspect that if she was comfortable enough to actually have sex with a woman in the first place, it's not likely to revolt her too much afterwards.

It'd just be another failed experiment.

edited 3rd Aug '11 7:09:19 PM by Wolf1066

I disagree. Suppose she was in an experimental, curious, more pleasant type of a mood when she had her experience with the woman. Or even just neutral. It's entirely possible that later on, if her mood changes, that she might start to feel an overwhelming sense of shame that may manifest as disgust.

OP, the problem is that it's different for everybody. I know it's one of those "things" that if a straight guy sees another guy naked, he's supposed to get all disgusted and have a very strong negative reaction, whereas if a straight woman sees another woman naked, she would have a more neutral, not-caring reaction. But it depends on a lot of things.

A person who's willing to experiment some of the time won't necessarily be so okay with their decisions later on, especially if it's something done as an act of trying to "find oneself" or whatever.

She might have had a worse experience with a woman because of, well, any reason a gay guy would have a worse experience with a woman. Physical pleasure =/= emotional pleasure. Maybe she had trouble getting into the experience with the woman, like couldn't just "let herself go" and enjoy it- maybe she had a mental block the whole time even though she was trying to be open minded.

There's quite a few people in this world who aren't very easy going when it comes to matters of a sexual nature. I imagine this sometimes applies even to those who are primarily asexual, just as it does to those who ARE sexual.

Edited because I probably wasn't actually helpful- One way to not discuss things that are "wrong" with the woman is to think of it in terms of things that aren't there vs. things that are. Maybe the character is used to some chin stubble rubbing against her face and neck, or smelling men's deodorant/cologne. She might not have been disgusted by the woman's breasts or vagina, but perhaps it felt strange to be that intimate with someone who (on a certain physical level) reminds her of herself. Maybe she wasn't sure how to go about touching various areas, since she's only used to her own, and being primarily asexual, maybe isn't that comfortable with what is expected to be done to different parts.

I'm straight, but I don't speak for all women who are straight. Supposing that I was in a situation where I was going to hook up with another woman, while parts of it might seem cool/sexy in my mind, I would have a hard time actually doing it. It's not that I wouldn't "know what to do" necessarily, just that I would have a hard time enjoying it and getting into it, which would likely affect my partner's enjoyment, and would lead to what you could call a "worse" experience.

Another part for me would be the fact that I wouldn't be sure how to go about telling my friends what happened. I'm a person who is very verbal and tells my friends nearly everything I do- especially when it comes to things like who I've been with romantically/sexually. There are people in the world who don't know/acknowledge that bisexuality exists (or asexuality for that matter, but that's another story), and if the main character is close friends with such a person and is planning to tell them about it, she might feel unsure of how to go about wording things due to potential homophobia and other misunderstandings.

Basically this can go just about any way that you want it to go. Feel free to post samples here to see if things seem kinda off or offensive. Also- don't let the fact that you're a straight guy prevent you from making decisions about this character. It's a little frustrating to hear about all these guys (and sometimes girls) talking about how they're not sure how to write for a female character, especially when it comes to sexuality. Women aren't an alien species. Write your character.

Related, good for you for choosing to write about something that is a bit foreign to you. Hopefully it will turn out to be an eye opening experience :)

edited 4th Aug '11 4:42:00 PM by formingbabby