Cmdr. of His Supremacy's Armed Forces
#3: Jul 31st 2011 at 6:24:58 AM
Get something written, and then we'll chat about it. No matter how cool an idea sounds, execution is what's going to make or break it.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
Cmdr. of His Supremacy's Armed Forces
#4: Jul 31st 2011 at 7:42:33 AM
True, I just wanted opinions on the plot.
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Lord high Xecutioner
#5: Jul 31st 2011 at 10:22:08 AM
It looks too easy. Pile in red herrings and diversions.
Downer ending. I prefer, she meets the admiral in the bar. He is about to tell the whole plan and is shot. That sets up an even bigger evil plan for episode 2.
Liberty! Equality! Fraternity!
This foreboding is fa...
#6: Jul 31st 2011 at 10:57:29 AM
Believe me, whatever you have there will most likely change as you go along. I wouldn't worry about it too much.
Look, you can't make me speak in a logical, coherent, intelligent bananna.
Cmdr. of His Supremacy's Armed Forces
#7: Aug 1st 2011 at 5:43:36 AM
OK, I'll get around to writing it, I've got 6 weeks off so it's not like I don't have time.
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Total posts: 7
Added spoiler tags just in case.
The story is about Lt. Commander Liana Williams, who finds out that a higher-up is out for her blood over an incident during the prologue, in which Liana fails to save a comrade from being killed by Genmods (Genetically modifed humans) who have attacked a colony on Deimos for no apparent reason.
To root out the culprit, Liana hires private detective Marisa Mac Millan, and they form a close friendship, Marisa finds the Big Bad's plan and identity, Admiral Gregory Wilson, which involves planted false evidence to get Liana demoted to a fighter pilot, and killed in a "unfortunate accident", Liana realises the implication of the plot, and attempts to warn Command about the Admiral's plot but they refuse to hear it first off because he recently lost his only son on Deimos (The soldier Liana couldn't save), and they tell her that he's been through enough, but when Liana shows them the notes obtained by Marisa, they take the claim seriously, and strip Gregory of his rank Liana feels confident that the case is closed, until Marisa finds out that Gregory planned the whole Genmod attack to make himself look like a hero who saved the colonists, get his son a promotion through nepotism, and retire famous. Liana shows this to Command, and they send out an arrest warrant, Liana tracks him down via the microchips installed in all military personnel to Deimos, where she finds him drunk and suicidal, his plan ruined by Liana and Marisa, and despite Liana's attempt to talk him out of it, shoots himself.
Sickened by the fact that his plan was allowed to go ahead for so long, Liana resigns.
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