All Purpose Naruto Fanfiction Thread

Is that the one where Sasuke reports Kakashi for having relations with Sakura because he is mad he didn't do something for him?

The chapter, or the fic?

The fic isn't really mean-spirited. This particular chapter is, but it's averting Karma Houdini.

Yes. But don't put it that way.

edited 22nd Feb '15 10:35:16 PM by FOFD

Akira Toriyama (April 5 1955 - March 1, 2024).

It does feature the characters out of character and behaving in idiotic ways. And for this series, that's saying something. I mean, there's just no way in hell Kakashi's gonna tie Sasuke, because that's an automatic pass. Sakura will always chance feeding Sasuke, no matter what, and Naruto is too stupid to assume Kakashi's observing them. That's even dumber than Kakashi acted in canon.

Well, that and nobody doing absolutely anything to Sasuke even though he really should have been slapped down after he began his pranking rampage. Guy could've done some very serious damage to Kakashi's brain. Got away with it.

I just can't get behind a fic where the characters exhibit even more idiotic behavior than they do in canon. Yes, I know it's supposed to be a parody and yadda yadda yadda. Problem is, it's not satirizing anything, it's just an asshole being an asshole and getting away with it unpunished. You know, just like goddamn canon.

Can't get past the scene where Sasuke tries to feed Kakashi powdered aspirin and Sarutobi just lets him go with absolutely no punishment whatsoever. It features characters being even dumber than in canon, a God-Mode Sue OC (as far as I care), and the protagonist is an unlikable asshole. Yep. Let me just put it in the simplest terms I can.

If you asked me if I like it, I'd have to say... No sir, I don't like it.

edited 22nd Feb '15 10:52:49 PM by IAmNotCreativeEnough

himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari

Interesting view, but I'm gonna have to disagree with you there. Any combination could have resulted in failure. Sakura follows Sasuke's lead and Naruto likely follows Sakura's lead or could easily be goaded into acting a certain way, ultimately leaving Sasuke as the wildcard that Team Seven's passing hinges on. The exact arrangement doesn't matter because the team has to collectively 'work together' to disobey orders. If Sasuke wasn't game in either case, they'd fail: all he'd have to do is refuse to be fed and tell the others that he's fine without food, and that passing is more important.

Case in point, episode 360 (Jonin Leader) where Kakashi ties the eldest brother to the log and leaves the two younger, deferential siblings with food. You know, an automatic pass, of sorts.

The problem is that the person who is tied automatically passes.

It's that simple. Because if you refuse the food, it could very well be construed that you're taking a bullet for the team. "I'm not taking this food, I'm not gonna let you guys fail just because I'm a little hungry". If you accept the food, then you're eating to conserve your strength and be more useful. "I'm gonna take this food, because if I'm hungry, I'll be useless in the re-test."

That's why tying Naruto to the pole was the smartest solution. Naruto will always feed Sakura no matter what and Sakura will always feed Sasuke no matter what, both for incredibly stupid reasons but which nevertheless manage to pass the test anyway. However, neither Sakura nor Sasuke feel any form of obligation to feed Naruto, which is how you can test whether they're up to teamwork or not.

In that fic, it's even worse because Sasuke is still Sakura's crush and he's also Naruto's only friend.

When you get that kind of team, the one you tie to the post is the 'third wheel' of the team.

In this case, the right option would've been Sakura, because she's the third wheel.

edited 24th Feb '15 6:25:52 PM by IAmNotCreativeEnough

himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari

I agree with your logic there; I think the whole test is a little silly, to be honest. It'd be one thing if the test was "Leave your teammate to die and you will pass!" ..that's a circumstance that would be worthy of disobeying, even if getting caught would mean failing. But going without lunch? That's not serious enough to warrant breaking the rules for. And his logic for determining which teams fail and which pass is not particularly valid or consistent.

However, my point was that Kakashi has failed a team on that basis before, ergo canonically speaking, it isn't an automatic pass and it would not be out of character for the scenario to occur.

edited 24th Feb '15 6:44:26 PM by EquallyImposingSquash

The test is idiotic in its entirety anyway.

I mean, you can't expect a bunch of kids who dislike each other to suddenly work together when you pit them against each other, and you certainly should not reward them for disobeying you.

By the by, that is filler, which means it's not really usable as proof of anything.

edited 24th Feb '15 7:41:47 PM by IAmNotCreativeEnough

himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari

Er... first off, did Archivist quit being... I dunno, like specific online people I know that I refuse to name? Where, to quote the user Wild Goose (or, if you go to SV, Whiskey Golf), "he keeps on goal shifting" and other such things that raise a person's contempt level towards them? I didn't really pay much attention to the thread after 11 pages ago or so (since I skipped the ones between the 11 or so page mark).

Second, and more important to me, how many things have I gotten wrong with this fic in all five chapters (plus the pilot chapter)? Please be brutally honest about this: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10852253/1/Fantasy-Unleashed-Book-0

I don't know what you mean.

@Xamusel:

Okay, here we go:

If Kurama was removed from Kushina, she's dead. No questions asked, no explanations needed, Kushina is dead. Naruto was killed immediately when the Kyuubi was removed and had to be revived by injecting another Kyuubi into him. Suffice to say, Kushina should have died right then and there.

Second, after Kushina is made Hokage... I don't know who any of these people are. Introductions. Especially if you're writing with multicrossovers. Introduce and adapt to the setting. That's important. I have absolutely no idea who anyone is, nor why I should care in the slightest about them. I don't know if they're good guys, bad guys or just plain dumb guys. This is In Medias Res. Of course, I actually know who some of these people are, but I'm not going from my perspective as a Naruto fan here.

The Mangekyo doesn't kill you. It just makes you go blind. Mikoto should know this. So why are they talking as if it threatens his life?

The scene with the 'evil guys' gives a little too much detail. You generally want to keep your villains' plans ultra vague so that you can get away with making shit up to keep it on rails later, or change it if you need to. When you give them a pretty defined goal, it gives you far less wiggle room later on. Also, the villains talking vaguely to each other makes no sense if they're all into the plan. It's a common ploy to build suspense for the audience and bring about quick exposition, but it makes no sense from Watson's perspective.

Similar issue to above comes up next. Who are all these people? What's their deal? Why should I care about them? Give me something. You cannot expect readers of a megacrossover to be familiar with every source you throw in. Incidentally, a signet ring is actually pretty frikkin' easy to replace so its theft should mean absolutely nothing. If it's actually important, then there's absolutely no explanation why there's not a duplicate anywhere, and if it does have some sort of special unique quality to it, then you got to explain why they can't just make another one.

Meanwhile, somewhere else, more people I don't know nor care about talking about things I don't know nor care about. Here's a funny thing: Who are your main characters? I can't tell. Nobody's had any real weight to them, since once their scene is done you just jump away somewhere else so quick it almost gives me whiplash.

And that's the first chapter. Now, I can't argue characterization on most parts as I still have no flippin' idea who most of those people are, and while not necessarily spot on, Kushina wasn't particularly out of character, and she's the only one of the Naruto bunch that got enough exposure to actually have a character to display. Anyhow, the only real complaint I have is that she's somehow showing no grief for her husband, no worry for her son and also pretty much no anger nor fury at the asshole who killed the former and tried to kill the latter.

Then, we start chapter 2. Naruto would not be a prankster if he had people pay attention to him and treat him as a hero. Naruto is an attention whore, yes, but if he had the eye of the people, it'd most likely translate to the attitude of a braggart and show off, not a prankster who needs to demand attention by throwing a brick at you so you'll look at him.

Incidentally, Naruto's defacing of the monument was actually pretty basic in the manga and not that elaborate, probably because it'd be flat out impossible to pull off more than some simple graffiti before getting his ass dragged to the ground by a chunin. Plus, Kushina thinking 'Naruto and his friend' is a really clumsy way to not name the character... and an unnecessary one, when Kushina's musings provide you a perfect time to give the character's name so you can actually use it and don't need to stumble with the pronoun game.

By the by... who are these characters? Why should I care about them?

Not going to say anything about Hinata being horribly out of character, other than the fact that even though she didn't suffer the incident that made her meek and shy, she still should be a gentle soul. Road To Ninja is not a good guide for characterization as they were going for 'deliberately out of character'. What I will comment on, however, is the fact that Swiss Cheese shouldn't exist in a world where Switzerland has never nor will ever exist.

Then... more characters I don't know and whom I still give zero fucks about.

And then... another scene introducing more characters I don't know nor care about.

By the by, Kushina was something like five years old when she went to Konoha to get the Kyuubi implanted in her. And even then, it wasn't done immediately, as Mito actually taught her some things before doing that. I doubt she formed too deep a friendship with whoever this 'Yamiko' person is.

The idea of Kushina signing engagement contracts for Naruto is silly bordering on idiotic. I very much doubt Kushina would push something like that on Naruto and would, in fact, fight it like crazy no matter who offered it. Kushina wouldn't care about the political benefits of it, nor would she give a crap about spoiling her friendships by rejecting her friends' daughters out of hand. She would not take Naruto's choice away from him, nor would she allow anyone to do it. Not her husband nor anyone else. And if he had done it behind her back... guess what? She's Hokage and her word is law, so she could use those contracts as kindling.

Yagahara? Oh, you say you never heard of them before, person I don't know? Well, you're not the only one, because I haven't either, and the author seems like he doesn't want to tell me either.

And then, more characters, I think. Fuck if I know, though. Who are they? What's their deal? Why should we care about them? Oh, you're not going to tell me? Fine then. See if I care. It's just more characters that seem to be too unimportant to merit commiting to memory.

Then another scene with another character that you still haven't given me any real reason to care about, since I still don't know who she is. I have vague details, like 'she's from pre-war Uzushio' and 'she has a tragic past'... but other than that, she's a total blank slate.

Incidentally, if Sakura's parents don't want her... why did they adopt her?

... So this is happening in the real world, now? Or are the scene shifts shifting into other worlds entirely? 'Cuz, you know, Japan ain't a real place in the Naruto world. It never existed. 'Cuz the Naruto world has, as far as we know, the ONE continent. Anyway, we're back with the fox thing character once more. A character that... I really don't know anything about. It's funny, because I keep railing about you throwing characters and stuff at me without explaining any of it, and here's a scene that's basically pure exposition and nothing else and... I still don't know anything about the character.

So, then there's a scene with a wolf, and I'm going to have to call it quits.

The main problem I'd say you have is that you're assuming that people will instantaneously recognize all the characters. And really, that's expecting too much of a multicrossover. You're throwing too much stuff at me, not telling me what the hell is going on, and expecting me to work it out on my own. Some people might like not being spoon fed any of the important information. The people who recognize all the characters probably don't have a problem with it.

But speaking from the perspective of someone who doesn't recognize all the characters you're throwing at me, I can tell you right away that it's practically undecipherable to me.

I would go on, but frankly, I can't get past the second chapter. I am literally lost. There are too many characters, too many different plotlines, and little to no explanation about anything that's going on. For the segments with Naruto and stuff, that was almost entirely character interaction with no real setup, and then the scenes with this 'Tama-chan', which I assume is Tamamo no Mae from somewhere (but fuck if I know which, I know at least two and neither really fits, though both are capable of eating human flesh)... they seem like they're there just for shock value.

himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari

I Am Not Creative Enough... thanks for the points you made. I have got to revise the story somehow to take those points into account.

Anyone else want to take a stab at the story and tell me what needs fixing?

Immense boredom finally convinced me to take a stab at writing that story I had in mind. Dunno how far I'll get.

Hey IANCE, you mind doing what you just did and give me a critique, tear this bitch to shreds?

I could, but then who'd patch our glorious friendship back together?

himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari

The glue of my mistakes?

Well the first review is encouraging, if nothing else.

edited 28th Feb '15 11:41:37 PM by Ironypus

The entire initial sequence with Naruto... well, it's actually OOC for Naruto. Naruto's grasp of strategy extends to "Rush forward and attack rapidly", and the extent of variance in his moveset extends to "multipurpose Rasengan".

Incidentally, I find it cute that you're trying yo pretend Sakura's more intelligent than a potato, especially if Sasuke is on the same team as she is. Sakura has to be insanely out of character for her to have any tactics beyond "ask Sasuke-kun what he wants to do". When it comes down to it, Sakura is someone who, in canon, had a lot of potential to do great, but chose not to because her mindset is horribly unfit to being a ninja.

I'll tell you the same thing I told Xamusel. You've gotta establish how the AU is different. While the addition of wargames is a start and the usage of medical students is nice, you have to justify OOC behavior. And so far, nothing has justified both Naruto's and Sakura's out of character behavior.

I have no idea what's going on, again. I know it's an AU in which they're not all so dumb I wonder if they could tie their shoelaces without help, but the grand majority of people probably won't. I'm going to assume their morality is also appropriate to the setting rather than the one seen in canon. Either the narrator or the characters should give the reader an idea of what kind of world they're in.

A two thousand words prologue is not much to go by, this I admit, but speaking from a perspective of someone who wasn't here when we were discussing the AU, I can tell you that I have absolutely no idea what's going on nor do I have any idea what to expect. This means that you can never have a shocking twist; there are no expectations to subvert. I can't tell you how to do it, but I'd say that you need to flesh the setting out more.

Unless you're deliberately not doing it, the first chapter is generally used to establish the setting and distinguish your AU from canon. Basically, what you need to get across is "This is a world in which people are not so dumb they have trouble breathing with their eyes closed" and "This is a world in which people have morality appropriate to murderers for hire". You're not doing that. While you're averting Show, Don't Tell, the fact is that you can't show every detail of how the world works, and some of it has to be told to us.

Maybe a scene in the academy that shows how much different from canon it is? A few shots of the characters' canonical behaviors being stomped out of them, like the Sasuke fangirls being punished for skimping on training and dieting, Naruto facing severe punishment for his pranks, etc.

That way you can show more of how the AU is different. The Teachers making an effort to curb moronic behavior will be much better at showing "This World Is Not Full Of Idiots" than war games ever would be.

So, as you might have guessed, the first two paragraphs come from the fact that I can't very well expect Naruto and Sakura to be as horribly out of character as they are if you're not giving me any reason to expect that. I don't believe In Medias Res is a good idea when you've got an AU that is this different from canon, because no setup leaves me with no idea what's going on or what could happen.

himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari

Because I want to read a good Naruto/Negima crossover.

"Naruto, who". Also, this sentence is somewhat awkward. Maybe, "Naruto's call rang through the thick fog. The boy wondered around, as lost as [amount of time] before"?

You're using the word "markings" two times in a row here. And all over the text, the word "he" appears way too often.

There should be a comma before "but".

How about:

Naruto blinked, realizing this doesn't make sense. A moment later, he heard a voice. It was faint, but definitely there, calling out in the fog.

"Hello!" he called back.

How about:

The muffled replies were louder now, meaning he was going in the right direction. The young ninja started running faster.

Yeah, the wording here is way too awkward.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry about knocking you over, kid."

Again with the "he". And who did what with the glasses?

One sentence break missing.

"That can wait for later. What’s important now, is whether my students are safe." ... "Wait - students?"

"Oh, right - I haven’t introduced myself, have I?" said the boy, straightening his green suit. "My name is Negi Springfield, teacher of class 3A at Mahora Academy. It’s nice to meet you." He added, giving a small bow.

Naruto stared for a second, confused. Teacher? He shook his head, that wasn’t important now. Instead, he smiled and extended his bandaged right hand.

SUMMARY: Awkward sentence structure, repeating words, and not enough commas and... What's the word for them in English? Dot? Fullstop? Other than that, it's an interesting opening. Maybe somewhat lazy from the "let's just throw them together somewhere with no explanation" perspective, but I shouldn't be the one to talk about laziness.

edited 1st Mar '15 12:24:39 PM by TheNobody

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.

Thanks for the help. Was thinking in dropping it since it got no response for a while.

And yeah I was being lazy with the whole 'throw them together' thing. But I was thinking about putting both groups in a third party location so that neither can undermine the other world.

Characters that am considering giving a role in this other than Negi and Naruto;

Naruto: Sakura, Sai, Shikamaru, Choji, Ino, Lee, Tenten, Shino, Hinata, Kiba and Sasuke,.

Negima: Asuna, Setsuna, Konoka, Kotaro, Nodoka, Yue, Kaede, Ku, Chachamaru, Haruna and maybe Fate.

Other charcaters may join, and either I'll create OC's for villains or expies of other villains.

@Ironypus: My biggest rec would be to have a less vague summary. Some inkling of what it's about, or how it's AU, or what the reader can expect from the story so at least they can decide if it's something they'll want to follow and read when it's farther along. That's just a personal opinion, though. I don't know what exactly draws other people in, but I know that I wouldn't have clicked on it based on the summary myself.

edited 1st Mar '15 4:29:12 PM by EquallyImposingSquash

All valid points and ones I'd considered. What you're seeing is my difficulty in explaining how the setting is new in the reference frame of Naruto's, who's been living there his whole life, point of view and he just wouldn't be thinking about all that stuff. Paltry excuse, I admit. All those things you mentioned will be answered, several next chapter, I just couldn't think of how to do it in the first one.

That's a shame, I quite liked the summary. It was meant to be mysterious and edgy so that when in story events that hint at its meaning show up it'll all make sense.

Yay, Ino-Shika-Cho! Why not Neji, though? If I had to pick, I'd put him there, maybe even instead of Sasuke.

Is the setting supposed to be modern-ish, or a Fantasy of some kind? That is, would they have to keep their magic/ninja powers a secret, or would they be able to go around doing their thing openly?

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.

Its Post-War Naruto characters (Naruto's bandaged arm) so Neji can't be around.

Considering switching Haruna out with Chisame.

Oh. I like Post-War Sasuke even less.

Haruna or Chisame? Can we have both?

Rather than smart, I'd prefer to be wise. It would let me be silly more often.

I want to have an even number of cast members on each side.

edited 3rd Mar '15 8:04:56 AM by Archivist10

You could always stick in Konohamaru or Kakashi.

edited 3rd Mar '15 12:54:31 PM by Hyp3rB14d3

I'm not sure what I could do with Konohamaru and I want to avoid any mentors at the beginning.