How do you react to this beginning?

This is a rough draft of the very beginning of a story. The title is "Eternal," but other than that, the reader should come into it with very little idea of what will happen. I'd like to ask what sort of reaction it provokes—do you think it's scary? Weirdly cute? Narm? Also, what sort of story would you expect this to be based on the beginning? (Of course, I'll also accept any criticism or advice on how to improve it. My ultimate goal is to have a twisted love story.)

For the first time in three years, Harry woke to the feeling of a body beside him.

Am I still asleep? he wondered. This would not be the first time he had dreamt of Leila. When he had scattered her ashes at sea, he'd known that a part of her would always remain with him, something incorporeal but real nonetheless.

A clawed hand covered his eyes—clawed?, he thought. This is definitely a dream. But there was undeniably something of Leila in the soft lips that kissed his cheek.

"Leila, if you're there, speak to me."

A shudder? He felt a finger cross his lips, urging him to silence, then a kiss that rendered the gesture irrelevant. Her tongue was long—too long. This was all wrong, and he could feel the dream twisting into something else entirely.

He pushed her away, and pulled her hand from his eyes as he sat up. "Leila—"

The figure before him clutched at its scarred throat, and he realized that it could not speak. It was as pale as the grave, and there was something wrong with its mouth. Two eyes were closed, sewn shut with black thread, but a third stared down from its forehead, red as blood.

It shuddered again, and he realized that it was trying to cry.

Harry knew where this dream would go were he to shy away or scream. He wrapped his arms around the monster before him, and kissed it deeply. Four breasts pressed into his chest, and a long tail wrapped around him, but it was Leila's lips he kissed, Leila's warmth and Leila's smell.

At last he broke away. The monster's mouth distorted, and as if in a funhouse mirror he recognized the guilty smile that Leila gave him when dinner was burned black or there was a bucket of paint spilled in the bathroom.

It was then that he fully understood that he wasn't dreaming.

edited 4th Jul '11 11:47:24 PM by feotakahari

A little mind-screwy, but I assume the weirdness will be explained later.

Not sure why, but I liked the part about Leila's tongue.

red as blood.

Kinda cliche and illogical. What blood red we talking here? Scratch red? Clotting red? Puddle red? dried red?

Other than that I liked it. I especially liked that he noticed her smile. I am a romantic though.

edited 5th Jul '11 2:31:25 AM by TheDeadMansLife

I find it to be quite excellent, with the contrasting descriptions doing a great deal to make this piece more than the horror I initially thought it what be. Kudos, in that regard.

I found this to be quite romantic and a rather unexpected reaction (which you also point out).

I think you reveal the thing about Leila being dead and having her ashes scattered at sea too early; it's in the second line, isn't it? I would leave that until a little later, keep some more mystery.

I think it is important that it is revealed early. Allows it to be possibly a nightmare.

I really want to read this now. Like real bad. >_> It has been a while since I acquired my last romance novel.

Changed "red as blood" to "red as fresh blood."

I've never used Writer's Block as an editing help, the way some people have, but I'm starting to wonder if it might not be a good thing to try. Besides, we've got to keep TDML happy. I'll post the second part below.

Routine. That was how he'd survived after Leila's death, and that was how he'd survive her return. Leaving her alone in that house brought back uncomfortable memories of the days when he was married to the job more than to her, of the nightly arguments in which all he could say was "We need the money"—but at the same time, he was well aware that miraculous resurrections were not among the things that qualified him for a day off.

He lost himself in one phone call after another, and let himself forget his worries. (She can't go out in public, with that eye and that tail. And what can she eat, with her mouth shaped like that? And her old friends—can I trust any of them, or "Hello, I'm calling on behalf of Go! International," always be sure they can hear the explanation point in your voice, don't think about anything now except making the sale.)

"Look at him," said a voice behind him, just quiet enough that the speaker probably thought he couldn't hear. "This is my third year here, and the third time I've seen him get like this. It always starts three days before Valentine's Day, and ends three days after. I have no idea what causes it."

"Maybe he's seen a ghost." Harry cursed under his breath as he recognized the replying voice. Three years ago, he and Neil had been friends. And when he was away on business, Leila and Neil had been a good deal more to each other. In fact, Neil had been something to the wives of half the men in the department.

"His girlfriend's dead, or what?"

"I had a dream last night. At least, I think it was a dream . . ."

"No getting weird on me, Neil! You've been engaged to Susan for what, six months now? Keep your mind on her!"

Harry cursed once more as their conversation turned to other topics. So much for that line of inquiry. Yet he couldn't help but wonder what Neil had seen, and whether perhaps he wasn't the only one who'd found something—or someone—in his bed.

edited 5th Jul '11 8:07:15 PM by feotakahari

That... is pretty great. I love the contrasting descriptions. It gave me a sort of dreamy feeling at first, but it segued really well into something romantic.

A really fantastic story so far(:

Forgot this thread was still here. I've revised the beginning a bit since then—I'll post a link to the completed story once I've got it up. (It'll be on Literotica, so You Have Been Warned.)

Revised, submitted, and approved! (Again, NSFW.)

I could have seen I saw something related to your story in World Building. Demons or such.

I enjoyed the story, I must say, both in its premise and in the mechanics. You've a good eye for pace, and the language feels quite natural. The ending was excellent, with an interesting subversion of my expectations (I thought the sewn-shut eyes were gone). The "hugged with two arms, two tongues, and a tail moment" made me d'aww, and I do that most rarely. You have my accolades, sir.

The vagina-mouth situation made me go "fuck yeah, awesome".

Yeah. I'm actually working on another one right now, with a different set of characters—it'll explain a bit more about the setting.

edited 16th Jul '11 3:46:53 PM by feotakahari

It's done! It's finally done! The link is to Chapter 2 of 12. I submitted all the chapters after 2 at once, but Literotica's only posting one a day, so it's up to chapter 10 now—12 will be out on Tuesday. (I decided to bump this thread now because 10 is my most ominous cliffhanger.)

(As a warning, this is probably the darkest thing I've ever written, and it's definitely NSFW.)

edited 8th Jan '12 6:28:07 PM by feotakahari

Interesting.