Creating an Unreliable Narrator...

I originally considered putting this in Random Questions Thread but figured that it's a bit substantial development so decided against it.

This is an exerpt from the passage and I want you guys to criticize on it, especially how well it shows his status as an Unreliable Narrator.

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Some synopsis, if anyone's interested

Allen Johnson is the Anti-Hero/narrator of my sub-arc, which is something of a dark Affectionate Parody of anime-isque story in general.

He keeps remarking that he's an absolutely normal high school kid who lives in a town where's nothing interesting happens, just the way he likes.

Then in his second year in high school, a girl named Lisa Shultz transfers to his school (A new transfer student...that's slightly unusual. I don't like that.)

Soon enough, she turns out to be an agent of the Plague Doctors, a group of vigilantes who hunts down rogue magicians and clean up their works. (Of course, who needs a professional when you can put a silly bird mask on a random high schooler and call him an agent. I'm liking these people already.)

Allen refuses, saying that he just wants to have a normal life, despite Lisa's repeated attempt.

Here's the part where it becomes clear that he's an Unreliable Narrator.

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She walked away, fuming and muttering something about me not taking my responsiblity seriously and how she will make me join the Doctors in one way or another. She walked, no slammed into several other students and didn't even say sorry to them, much to their confusion. Just ignore her, people. She's just one of those weirdos, nothing interesting.

How adorable, being so called the cure of this world and such. I wonder how many so called "Plagues" she actually dealt with. She probably doesn't even know what she's talking about, what it means to deal out justice to somebody. She's trying to drag me into her bloody inanity that she can't even comprehend. Give me a break, will you? I don't know what you guys are, but an absolutely oridnary kid like me doesn't have any place in that kind of group.

I replicated the bread I ate for lunch few days ago and chomped down on it. It didn't tasted really as good as the actual one, but it was enough.

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I'm guessing that the last scene would work better in visual form, not in written. How can I pull it off well?

edited 12th Apr '11 1:57:01 AM by dRoy

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.

He seems to be unreliable enough, but because it is such a short section it is kind of hard to tell. I don't really like a lot of first person works, but what you did well here was give the character a sort of snarkiness and sense of humor that the reader can sort of identify with. If Allen was polished a bit more that could come across much stronger.

Can I critique the writing style?

*puts on construction site eye protector* I'd appreciate it a lot, although please don't be too direct I'm not that good in taking criticism yet.

Oh, and can an Affectionate Parody be dark?

edited 12th Apr '11 6:37:41 AM by dRoy

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.

Haha, you can remove the hard hat and eye gear. It's not really criticism at all. Just something I noticed when I was reading and jotted down. You can ignore me.

In that first paragraph there is some phrasing I would change. I just found some words and descriptions unnecessary. Considering that it's first person, Allen should just tell us what he sees without contradicting himself.

- "She walked, no slammed into several students..." You can get rid of the she walked. "She slammed into several students without apologizing, much to their confusion."

- "being so called the cure of this world and such." Get rid of the such. You didn't go into detail about the other duties that Allen would have, and if there are other things than you should just state them. I'm not sure if an Affectionate Parody can be dark...it seems like a contradiction in terms. How dark do you want to go?

Thanks goodness, it's nothing too substantial. I didn't notice that, will work on it.

How dark...it's all Lampshade Hanging and fun and Slice of Life..

Until the antagonists decides to get serious and start to killing the Doctors.

edited 12th Apr '11 7:27:12 AM by dRoy

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.

^ Oh, Mood Whiplash. I like that.

If I'm asking for advice on a story idea, don't tell me it can't be done.

Yes, it sounds really good.

edited 13th Apr '11 9:42:58 PM by dRoy

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.

Oops, I meant to comment on this a few days ago...sorry.

I see that you removed your prologue. I read it, just once through, when you posted it. I don't have any technical criticism right now (because I can't find it again) but when I was reading it the first time, I realized that you ran out of steam by the second half. I was interested within the first few paragraphs, waiting for something to happen, and then as it went on I sort of lost interst, which is wrong, because that is when everything began. If this is going to be your prologue, you need to go back and edit it down a bit. If the action doesn't start soon the readers will be lost, which may cause them to just skip the prologue all together.

I liked your writing style, however.

Oh, it's in Troper Critique Club. Check it out again, if you are interested/available.

Yeah, about that...I made a mistake and the whole thing practically disappeared and I had to write it entirely new. I got exhausted and lost the will to write it again. Will post the second half/quarter later on.

edited 14th Apr '11 6:52:53 AM by dRoy

I'm a (socialist) professional writer serializing a WWII alternate history webnovel.

I'll go back and post a proper critique on the Troper Critique thread a little bit later today...about noon-ish. I want to read it properly and do it justice. Like I said, I do like your writing and the idea for the story overall.