Writer's Block Daily

The issue is ?! and !? actually imply different kinds of speech.

I think usually italics works where you think you want to use ?!. ?! is very comic-bookish.

If I were being "Mr. Writing Instructor", I wouldn't even approve of the use of the italics, but would insist that Masterofchaos spell out, in words, exactly how the mother sounds, in order to indicate what the mother is feeling. Technically that would be the superior form. But is that being too pedantic?

edited 2nd May '13 6:18:11 AM by DeMarquis

^ Very. To the point of snobbery and elitism and assuming your audience has the brains of PhD's rather than normals.

In your case I thought that was true ;)

And what is that supposed to mean?

Well the thing is that your version doesn't really work because the word that we want to emphasize is repeated. Even if you decide to describe what she said, it still gives the visual impression that the first time she said the word was identical to the way she said it the second time when that's obviously not true, so it's jarring to leave it unitalicized.

@Tom: You have the mind of a Phd. Don't deny it.

@Cats: Try this:

"Chased?" Her voice was becoming shrill, the way a mother does when her child is threatened, "Chased? Why were you chased? What’s going on?"

Or if you think "shrill" isn't the right word, substitute whatever you feel will fit: "sharp", "excited" or even "emphatic".

edited 2nd May '13 7:59:35 AM by demarquis

The problem though is that "The way a mother does when a child is threatened" is telling, not showing.

I thought you were supposed to try and indicate the tone of voice as best as possible through the dialogue itself (which I think would include ending punctuation), not the dialogue tags. That way you avoid too many said bookisms?

It's a blurry area so really you have to look at the style of the whole work.

And I just word-vomited 1016 words in the span of 40 minutes. Now I have to get ready for work.

Hm, good point. Try it this way:

"Chased?" He could hear her voice becoming shrill, the way she always sounded when she thought her child was being threatened, "Chased? Why were you chased? What’s going on?"

By changing the emphasis to his perception of her voice, we are showing the reader what he is thinking.

I would call what I am doing here more of a descriptive beat than a dialogue tag.

edited 2nd May '13 10:59:10 AM by demarquis

Idk. To me, the lengthiness of the description takes away the urgency the woman ought to be feeling.

Unless this is some sort of highly contemplative and philosophical novel that's gunning for the Nobel Price, italics are perfectly fine. I've seen them used in novels that are generally held in high esteem by the literary community.

Condense. If using italics can convey the same idea in far fewer words, then use them.

It's really that simple.

That's so long it barely qualifies as a "beat"; it screws up the flow of the dialogue. Moreover, the italics already imply that her voice is becoming shrill.

I second that.

Back from school and my IEP meeting.

Thanks for the advice guys. Really. I'll be sure to take them into consideration once I edit the story.

Well, I'm back.

YMMV. Personally, I like a more contemplative approach when I read a text-based novel or story. If I want something faster paced, I'll read a graphic novel or watch a video. It's a question of the balance between action and characterization- and that depends on what the author wants to accomplish. Yes, going into more detail risks interrupting the flow of the action, but giving more detail into character reactions allows the reader to become more invested in them as unique individuals.

Besides, if my descriptive beat sounds too long, it's not because any description would be too long, it's because mine is poorly written. Obviously I need a better word choice, one that contributes to the action rather than detracts from it. Here's my third attempt:

"Her voice becoming shrill, like she was watching an action movie."

Now I'm not only communicating something about her voice becoming shrill, but implying something about how the POV character perceives her: he thinks that she's not just becoming concerned, but excited and interested. One could easily transition from here to a comment on how controlling and intrusive he thinks she is. Like I said, it all depends on the intention of the author.

Welcome back nrjxll.

edited 2nd May '13 2:52:51 PM by DeMarquis

I finished my second draft. Arg. I don't know if it's better...

Oh and I tried writing a short story in future tense last night.

Future tense makes the story feel really out of touch with reality, strangely. It's less concrete? It worked in this case because the character's POV is very out of touch with reality in general but.

Eh 2/10. Would not recommend. Use with extreme caution and only if you're prepared to deal with the mind screw.

edited 2nd May '13 3:55:13 PM by Hermiethefrog

I will.

@Marq: I don't know if you've begun reading my story yet but I should probably send you the new version.

I did, and I've begun writing my review. Is the new version so different that I should wait and start over? Or do you want me to send what I've written, and then do another review based on the new version (I dont mind, either way)?

Mind you, I thought the first draft was pretty good...

edited 2nd May '13 5:10:31 PM by DeMarquis

edited 2nd May '13 6:02:19 PM by Wheezy