Cuddle

edited 4th Jul '11 2:29:31 PM by QQQQQ

edited 4th Jul '11 2:29:35 PM by QQQQQ

edited 4th Jul '11 2:29:40 PM by QQQQQ

Part 1: All the "you"'s kinda bother me but otherwise nnngh this is beautiful. Loved the Scarface reference, I actually laughed out loud when when Shion get out the cocaine. Totally wasn't expecting that.

Starting part 2.

Omg. Raki is so awkward. HE NEEDS A HUG.

edited 1st Jul '11 8:44:54 PM by melloncollie

^ Hehe. Thanks. I was feverish when I first got to writing this, admittingly, and my brain was racked up on scattered thoughts.

Well. That was certainly emotional, bordering on sappy, and it wasn't narm because somehow you made me care about these people.

Also, plane landing metaphor paragraph. I laughed, because it was too funny and it was so true. Real sex is awkward and you sometimes have awkward thoughts, so seeing that there was like... I was amused, in a good way.

edited 1st Jul '11 9:24:42 PM by melloncollie

Thank you. I imagine I can express it better when it comes to these parts, it is not something I reveal of myself often. Raki is.. someone of a misfit, and this snippet is one scene late in one planned story.

I figure I had to get it off my chest, one way or another. I only wish I can see much more romance movies and games, so I can get better ideas. Oh well.

Aren't we all? (I threw it in all of a sudden because I was stuck and God forbid I needed something to go on.)

edited 1st Jul '11 9:36:20 PM by QQQQQ

edited 4th Jul '11 10:27:24 AM by QQQQQ

Some of the parts of your writing are very well done. (ie. "He is completely naked, revealed.")

But some of your wording is very awkward. Such as referring to his penis as a joystick she is playing flight simulator with.

Honestly, the body of your work is good. But if you are going to write a sex scene it is best done by writing what is happening. No use in using metaphors or similes. If you aren't comfortable/mature enough to write a sex scene using penis, vagina - saying she gripped his penis is her hand - you probably shouldn't write a sex scene. By using analogies or metaphors, it comes across as you being inexperienced regarding sex - whether that is true or not I don't know.

Not being rude or mean, just an honest thought.

PS. why are basically all the posts above removed?

I think this would best be described less as a sex scene and more as a love scene. More tender, more emotional, befitting the figurative language. The "inexperienced" feel of the sex itself seems to be the intended feel of it all.

@Cormoran It's not a matter of immaturity, I don't think. Those words sometimes seem a little too... clinical. If you say 'vagina' I tend to think of pap smears and my high school sex ed class, not love.

@Loni I suppose so.

But if I told my SO that I wanted to play flight simulator with his joystick. There would be confusion and definite wtf's. Whereas if I told him I want his dick in my p*ussy, that's a turn on. It's the language used in the foreplay scene which is a turn off.

I realize this is the guy's "first time" and what not. The inner monologue is great but it doesn't match the foreplay description.

@Five X

the author referred to the sex as "primitive". In my opinion, once that is stated I expect raw, pure sex. Not being super descriptive, but in that it is going back to basic instinct and have raucous sweaty monkey sex.

love making is tender, passionate, genuine. Its the slow sex that bonds two people in the relationship.

You can't call love making primitive.

edited 12th Sep '11 10:32:19 AM by QQQQQ

I would point it out...but your posts are gone.

The impression that I got was that this scene wasn't primarily for the turn on and more about the emotions/thoughts behind the act.

Anyway, I've had weirder, sillier thoughts and have said them out loud, and my "SO" hasn't found them to be a problem. YMMV.

@Comoran (whoever is behind the sockpuppet account): I'm not interested in talking with you. At all. I ask you, to please stop following me on the forums. You have your own life to lead, and there are myriads of things I'm sure you can do, besides stalking me.

edited 4th Jul '11 6:01:23 PM by QQQQQ

<Mod Hat ON>

Cormoran, since your posting history indicates that you've been around for nearly a year, I shouldn't have to remind you that we expect civility here. However, consider yourself reminded.

<Mod Hat OFF>