Troper Critique Club

MUCH better, but you're approaching that genericness plateau where all you really can do is draw better.

I don't understand what you mean by this. Could you elaborate a bit?

I thought AHR meant that your drawing is good, but has none of your personal style to set it apart from every other webcomic ever.

Personally, the uniform thickness of the lines combined with complete lack of shading makes it look like the whole thing was done in MS paint.

I understand what you were going for with the blood being the only colored part, but liquids, especially bloodstain patterns, have a very particular look. Smears should be transparent, puddles need that highlight, and you have neither so it just looks flat.

In short: Play with the thickness and thinness of your lines, as well as the transparency, and try actually shading things in for another major improvement. Style is something you'll only develop through more practice.

edited 29th Nov '10 12:13:54 PM by Slan

I meant more of the fact that you can improve your story telling abilities all you like, make the drawings as neat and as detailed as possible, but in the end, you're going to need to run into the long arduous process of Art Evolution in order to ever truly be good.

More sense?

Play with the thickness and thinness of your lines, as well as the transparency, and try actually shading things in for another major improvement. Style is something you'll only develop through more practice.

The bloodstain link was very helpful. I wish I had found that before I started drawing (I did look, but somehow missed that page entirely. -_-;) Do you have one to help figure out how to use transparencies and thickness variation?

Please bear with me. I'm completely self-taught and working with a shoestring budget. It took me months just to save enough for a pen tablet. <_<;;

No problemo. You're obviously trying. That's all that matters.

Sorry for the huge post but I don't have a place to put this fragment in a link. It's a character intro and I'm wondering what y'all think of it. Feel free to be brutal; this one's original and if I can manage it I'm gonna try for publishing.

There came a knock at the door. Autumn Price knew who it was and ignored the sound, staring at the pile of parchment before her on her old writing desk.

Outside the sun rose with lustrous splendor, gleaming against the slate roofs and copper steampipes, illuminating a square of dust-motes and scarred wood on Autumn’s floor. The sky was blue, the clouds fluffy wisps of white that scudded across the sky in time to the crisp breath of winter’s breeze.

A beautiful morning, but Autumn had no time for it. The bills had come due and she was short again, just like last month and the month before. She had done her sums, figured all the amounts down to the last steelpence, an exercise she had hoped would yield an answer.

But there was the money she earned and the money she owed, and her work could not make them match.

The knock came again, louder. Autumn sighed, set down her tea and stood, drawing her dressing gown around her thin body as tight as she was able.

She set the burglar-chain on her door before she opened it. “Yes?”

“Miss Price,” Alex Fisher said with an oily smile, “may I come in?”

Fisher was her landlord, and it was the first of the month; Autumn had expected he would be by. She knew she could not afford to shut the door, much as she wanted to.

“I’m not dressed,” she replied, keeping one hand tight against her gown where it closed, the other on the knob. “What can I do for you, sir?”

“It’s the first, Miss Price, and the rent is due. I’m just by to collect it.” He scratched at the side of his nose with a dirt-stained finger. “I trust there won’t be any difficulty.”

“I have until Friday to pay, do I not?” She watched his eyes traverse the parts of her that he could see, made herself stand straight in the face of his stare.

“That’s so, Miss Price…I take it that you’re short?” His smile disappeared behind a veil of pity. “I know times are tough for you, with your husband having gone missing in the war and all…I’m sure we can come to some kind of arrangement?” He emphasized the last word, put a little hopeful heat into it.

Autumn Price drew herself up tall as her five feet allowed, lifting her chin and fixing him with the lady’s cold stare she had learned from her mother.

“The arrangement, sir,” she said in a clipped brittle tone, “is the same as it always has been. You will receive your money on Friday.”

She shut the door before he could reply, before he could see the fear in her eyes. She leaned against the door and waited until the sound of his feet had completely vanished. Autumn locked the door, ignored the familiar lump of worry in favor of considering what she might sell.

Two months prior it had been the last of her jewelry; a wedding present from Jack’s sister, a few things she had inherited from her mother. She had retained her wedding ring, but now even the box that had contained it all had gone to the vendor’s tables in Market Square.

Last month, it had been her hair. Once it had fallen past her hips; “a river of honey and gold”, her husband had once described it. Now it was as short as the girls in the Penny’s Quarter wore theirs. It had fetched a good price at the wigmaker’s shop, but even that money was a memory. She pinned her hair into a loop so others would not see that it was not long as a proper lady’s was, but she was certain Alex Fisher had noticed.

“There is a way,” she whispered. “There is always a way.”

Autumn reached under the folds of her dressing gown and drew out her disciplex, clutched the old knot of hawthorn and silver in her fist and recited the prayer she had learned at her grandmother’s knee.

Great Lord, provide for me as I do for those I love,
For as we give, so we receive.
Give me strength as I give it to others,
For as they are made whole, I am made whole.
Let me not raise a hand in anger
But hold it forth in peace
Great Lord, light the path you mean for me to walk,
Let me not wander from your grace.\\

She did not bother to say it aloud. She knew there was no need, for the one she spoke to would be listening. Besides, if she spoke the words someone else might hear, and worship was proscribed in the Republic of Victoria.

“Mother,” Selene’s voice reached her ears, “Is something wrong?”

Autumn looked up to see her eldest daughter watching her. Her wide blue eyes were full of questions, as they often were of late. She knew that very soon she was going to have to start answering them, but ten years meant Selene was still a child and Autumn resolved to let her be so a little longer.

Autumn slid the disciplex back beneath her robe and did her best to smile. “It will be all right, Selene.” She touched the silky blond strands of her daughter’s hair. It was growing out long; Autumn hoped that she would never have to sell it. “I have to be getting ready for work now. Remember to-“

“-never open the door, make sure Lydia doesn’t play with the steampipes, and get my lunch.” Selene nodded. “I remember, Mother.”

Autumn ran her fingers through her little girl’s hair. “Of course you do,” she said softly. “You always do.”

She went back into her bedroom to ready herself for work, mind still working on the problems before her. Autumn had told her daughter that everything was going to be all right; now she just had to make it so.

edited 29th Nov '10 10:22:05 PM by drunkscriblerian

@drunk

So I'm guessing it's part of a much larger work, novel size?

I like the setting. Maybe it's because I'm writing in an alternate universe France...if we both end up wildly successful we should do a Crossover 100 years war :P

Not sure how I feel about "steelpence."

The writing is pretty good, but I don't get much of a feel for the story from just that passage.

edited 29th Nov '10 10:40:07 PM by Carbonpillow

"steelpence" is a unit of money.

I was more curious about what people thought of the prose.

Well, on a technical view, there's not much I can say to bash it. You are very descriptive and seem to know what you're doing.

If there's anything I could say, it might be that you are lacking a specific voice. There's very little deviation from the general prose formula. But if you're writing for the masses, that's not a bad thing.

If there's anything I could say, it might be that you are lacking a specific voice. There's very little deviation from the general prose formula.

Could you give me an example? Not being defensive just trying to get maximum mileage out of the critique.

Well, your dialogue usually goes:

"Text" Character action or motive modifier. "Concluding Text."

But like I said, it's not always a bad thing to stick to the tried and true.

Ah. Yeah, I do have that habit. Comes from disliking the word "said" or having to pilfer the thesaurus with every derivative of it.

But I suppose changing it up a bit now and again wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I'm also linking this:

https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=57sqq45dj86c239y6ryqlv1b&page=0#

For those who want more information on Drunk's setting. :P

I like that your protagonist is five feet tall, and also the irony of her last name being Price. "I take it that you’re short?" totally killed me xD. Also, the selling of her hair was reminiscent of "Gift of the Magi" or Les Miserables, which added to the vintage feel.

I agree with the somewhat generic, 1900s English voice. Besides the world she lives in, there's not much to set this character apart from all the other tragically widowed women struggling to make ends meet. The only other thing I'd suggest is taking out the "knew who it was" bit in the second sentence to avoid redundancy.

If anyone is willing to take another look at Thirteenth Sage, the third chapter is up.

@Slan: Good points. Her story does become more interesting in about 2,000 words or so, but you do have something in that maybe I have gone too far trying to make her an Average Jane.

@drunk: The beautiful thing about the word "said" is that it is so common that it disappears whenever you do dialogue. This is a good thing. "Replied" almost always disappears, as well. Anything else and it becomes a visible word and usually detracts from the actual dialogue, and usually it becomes an issue of telling rather than showing. Of course, it's probably fine with more emotional speaking, but otherwise, stick with "said" or just use a small action to illustrate who's talking. "Autumn scratched her arm" works just the same as "Autumn said," though I guess I don't need to say that since you've got it down pat.

@Zeal: please please please for the love of all that is holy don't use comic sans. There are a handful of places where that font is appropriate, and a serious comic is not one of them. Before someone calls me out on being a font snob, I want to point out that people are telling him about line width, and font choice is just as important as width of lines for creating mood and unity, but font is like 25x easier than getting better at drawing.

Okay. Which font should I use, and where can I download it for free?

(Again, I'm working with a shoestring budget here.)

dafont.com is a great place to start. Just peruse until you find one that really clicks with you. Just remember keep two things in mind: ease of reading (so no fonts that have really weird bits sticking out of them or textures or something) and style (so a traditional sans serif font would probably be too plain)

The best way to really learn what clicks, though, is to just play with it. Download every single font you think might have a chance of working and then just cycle through them.

It is a good thing we've gotten passed the printing press.

Yeah, definitely. I thank you for the info.

I just want to insert that, from what I've seen, The Thirteenth Sage is pretty good so far. Give it a read.

Hey, what exactly is going on here? Cause I can critique and stuff, if anybody is interested. I've also got a mildly interesting story I've been mulling over in my head for a while. I doubt anybody would actually be interested in it, but I might want to try talking about it sometime, I guess.

@Trope: We post stuff we want critiqued (just look at the posts above you), or we post we can critique.

So just look at the links above to critique away.

Does this thread cover fanfic critiques? If so, good, because I... think I need a little help here.

Here's the link to my story in question.

The more I try to look it over with a critical eye, the more it becomes apparent that something just doesn't seem quite right about it. It's like's I'm... missing something important here. I'm just a little worried, is all.

Sorry dude. I'd critique, but don't know the fandom.