YMMV: Things Mr. Welch Is No Longer Allowed to Do in an RPG

  • Alternate Character Interpretation: While Mr. Welch is clearly a Loonie, there are plenty of cases where the rules seem simply designed to insure the GM can railroad the campaign. For example:
    410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him.
  • Big Lipped Alligator Moment: Zig-zagged. A majority of Mr. Welch's events are to be reminded as something that never happens again, or otherwise made a BLAM by virtue of whatever rules the DM imposes at the time. Sometimes, Welch himself wishes to perform a BLAM or something of the like and is immediately instructed of how unacceptable the BLAM would be:
    93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
    114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
    197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
    270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
    316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
    354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
    382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module.
    424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
    426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
    434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"
    570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
    575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
    584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
    598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
    599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn't show up for the last adventure.
    634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women's lingerie.
    727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
    806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
    1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.
    1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks.
    1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
    1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK'd by a jerboa.
    2002. No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the start of the adventure.
  • Crazy Awesome: Can you imagine dealing with just one of the situations he's barred from?
  • Genius Bonus:
    1189. A stagehand does not get a better sneak bonus than ninjas.
  • Harsher in Hindsight:
    211. If at any point my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.