"Shaggy Dog" Stories in Jokes.
- Jokes such as the "Banana and a Piece of String" joke do this. In this tale a landlord is plagued by a leprechaun, who each evening prevails upon him to lend the leprechaun a half (then a quarter, then an eighth and so on, this joke can and has gone on for over an hour) of a banana and a piece of string. Each night, an explosion occurs in the room given to the leprechaun, increasing in violence as the quantity of banana decreases, beginning with a mere ruffling of the bedclothes and ending in the complete destruction of the inn. Finally, with his inn utterly destroyed the landlord begs to know what the leprechaun has done and the leprechaun at last agrees to tell him but only on the condition that the landlord never tells anyone the secret. And to this day he never has.
- "Jimmy and the Little Purple Grapes": Jimmy convinces his mother to let him pack his own lunchbox, and he chooses to take little purple grapes with him. Throughout the rest of the joke, which takes about five minutes (or until the person telling the joke gets bored), every person who hears the phrase "little purple grapes" from Jimmy becomes enraged and gives him an increasingly harsh punishment. At the end of the joke, Jimmy has been beaten up, expelled, disowned, and put in jail because of that one phrase. His cellmate offers to tell him the reason people become so angry if Jimmy will sneak out of jail and get him some cigarettes. This joke is also known by "purple flowers," "purple spaghetti," "purple ferret," or "purple passion," but the only real difference is the beginning of the story (Purple passion where Jimmy sneaks out to be with his girlfriend, and he randomly gives his teacher this excuse, the "purple spaghetti" variant has many, many different introductions. The joke follows from there).
- Jimmy sneaks out and gets hit by a bus. The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
- In a variation, he gets hit by a bus while getting cigarettes for another guy who promised to tell him what the purple (fill in the blank) means and the moral of the story is smoking is bad for you.
- In some versions, Jimmy is killed by other means, (sheriff or homeless man), and the story goes on from there: Jimmy ends up in Heaven, where St. Peter greets him. Jimmy asks him what the phrase means, and in response St. Peter sends Jimmy to Hell. There, he meets Satan himself. Since there's nothing worse that can happen to him now, he asks Satan what the phrase means. And Satan just laughs and tells him that it's a very long joke with no other purpose than to waste your time.
- A possible explanation: “purple (whatever)”, in the local language/slang, translates to The Game
. Which you just lost. No wonder everyone got pissed at the boy. - In one variation, nothing is purple, and the "phrase" is just the word "strawberries". In this variation, the "aw" in strawberries is elongated when spoken.
- In another variation, instead of a jail cellmate, a mysterious disembodied voice offers to explain the truth to Jimmy. Jimmy follows the voice to a lake and rows out to the center, where he hears the voice calling from a few feet above his head. He stands up to reach it, the rowboat capsizes, and he drowns. Moral of the story: don't stand up in a boat.
- So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends. They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that." So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar." Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down." "No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse." "Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise." So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "Holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass." So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar." Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down." "Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow." "Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise." So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that." Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here." So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums." Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down." "Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken." "Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums." So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like "What the fuck? That sounds amazing." So he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE." So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us." Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off. Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. He's lost his best friends. And Horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it." So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"
- A traveler was headed down a lonely road when it began to rain. Luckily he happened upon a monastery just off the side of the road. He knocked on the door and was greeted by one of the monks. He asked if he could stay the night, to which the monk replied that their order would gladly shelter him, as long as he stayed out of the tower with no doors. As he settled down for the night he suddenly heard an ungodly noise coming from the tower the monk mentioned, a cross between screaming and the wind on aluminum foil. Then suddenly it stopped and he soon fell asleep. He awoke refreshed and asked one of the monks about the sound, but the monk replied that only monks of their monastery may know what is in the tower. He thanked the monks for their hospitality and went on his way. About a year later he returned to the monastery and asked about becoming a monk. The head monk replied that if he would aid the monastery in small ways they would consider him. So for the next five years he helped tend the gardens, clean the windows, and learn of the monks' religion. He even once helped them recover a holy relic to be housed in the monastery. Eventually the head monk told the traveler he was ready to become a monk and initiated him. The monks recited a prayer for such an occasion and provided him with a robe of their brotherhood, and the head monk said it was time to see what was in the tower. The head monk led the new initiate down into the catacombs, deeper and deeper until the head monk found and pressed a loose brick. This opened a secret passage leading to a spiral stair. Up, up they went. Their legs grew tired until the head monk opened a trap door leading to a room surrounded with ivy covered trellises. They were inside the tower now. The head monk opened a door leading to another spiral staircase leading to the room at the very top of the tower. The head monk pulled out a key and unlocked the wooden door, pulling it aside to reveal a rusty iron door. The door clattered as the head monk pulled it open, and behind it was a titanium door. The head monk pressed a six digit PIN on a panel on the door and it slid open. The room was at first too dark to see anything. The head monk flipped a switch and a dim light bulb flickered on. Finally the traveler saw with his own eyes the source of that mysterious sound which he had spent all those years laboring to discover.
- But unfortunately, we can't write what it is, because not everyone on this website is a monk.
- This joke is made worse (or better) if every leg of the journey takes 'days and days, weeks and weeks, months and months, years and years' to complete.
- But unfortunately, we can't write what it is, because not everyone on this website is a monk.
- There were 100 monks who decided that they wanted to build a monastery. It took them 2 years to build one. When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks. The 50 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 4 years to rebuild it. When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks. The 25 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 8 years to rebuild it. When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks (plus one). The 12 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 16 years to rebuild it. When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks. The 6 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 32 years to rebuild it. When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing half of the monks. The 3 remaining monks decided to rebuild the monastery. It took them 64 years to rebuild it. When they were outside admiring their work, a little boy on a little red bike came and blew it all up, killing two of the monks. The last monk was furious, so he got on his little blue bike and chased the little boy on the little red bike. No matter how hard he pedaled, he couldn't catch the little boy on the little red bike. After a few hours he gave up.
- The moral of the story: Red bikes are faster than blue bikes. note
- There's this: A guy goes to the doctor because of a stomach ache, and the doctor gives him some pills, and warns him of the side effect, headaches, so he gives him tablets for headaches, but these would give him a sore throat, so he gives him a syrup for a sore throat, and lastly warns him of the syrup's side effect: Stomach ache.
- There once was a knight dressed in black and white garb, riding a black and white horse. He decided to get married to a princess and therefore approached the king to ask him for his daughter's hand. But before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: "I am the first guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the second guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the third guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was led to the king. The king asked: "Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The king asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry your daughter!" The king asked: "Do you have a castle of your own?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "No." The king said: "You cannot marry my daughter without a castle of your own!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, left the castle and spent some years amassing the wealth needed for building a castle. Then, he re-approached the king's castle. Again, before arriving at the castle, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered a guardian. The guardian said: "I am the first guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Soon, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the second guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Then, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, encountered yet another guardian. The guardian said: "I am the third guardian! Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The guardian asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry the king's daughter!" The guardian said: "You may proceed!" So the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, rode on. Finally, the black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, reached the castle. The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, was led to the king. The king asked: "Who are you?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I am the black and white knight, riding on my black and white horse!" The king asked: "What do you want?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "I want to marry your daughter!" The king asked: "Do you have a castle of your own?" The black and white knight, riding on his black and white horse, said: "Yes!" the king then said: "Get lost, all my daughters are married already."
- A variation has the king ask the knight to bring him a diamond guarded by a witch, a ruby guarded by a troll, and an emerald guarded by a dragon. The witch, troll, and dragon are scared of the knight and give him the gems.
- In another variation, the princess is still unmarried. When the knight asks the princess to marry him, she says, "No."
- A man is on vacation in France, and is enjoying his dinner at a restaurant. Suddenly, a man rushes in, leaves a note on the table, and then runs away. The man picks it up to see what it is and what it says, but the note is in French, which he doesn't understand. When the waiter gives him the bill, the man asks him "excuse me, but what does this note say?" and gives him the note. Upon seeing what it says, the waiter instantly goes into a rage and tells the man to leave the restaurant at once. He does, and brings the note with him, wondering what he got so angry about. Throughout the joke, the man continues showing this note to various people, but gets a worse punishment every time: he gets beaten up, put in jail, and forced to leave the country. When finally at home, he puts the note away in a drawer, seeing how it has brought him nothing but bad luck. Still, he's more curious than ever to what the note says. Later, he befriends a guy that's fluent in French, and after being friends with him for several years, he decides to show this man the note. He puts it in front of him, asking him to translate it for him, but makes him promise that whatever it says, he must not get mad or stop being his friend, just tell him what the note says. ...As his friend goes to pick the note up, a strong gust of wind blows by and takes the note with it.
- A theory: The note said The Game in French.
- A variation makes that in the ending, after the protagonist is reassured and happy that he isn't going to be beaten or insulted, he starts looking for the note in his pockets, then checking his clothes, and finally says: "Oh, no!! I lost it!".
- A girl is handed a note by a handsome stranger, but it's in Korean. She calls her friends and asks them if they understand Korean, to which they reply no. She then calls her siblings and asks them the same thing, to which they reply no as well. She then calls her parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, cousins, second-cousins, and third cousins, and every last one of them says 'no.' Finally, she calls her fourth cousin, and he tells her he can understand Korean. So, she drives over to his house and hands him the note. When he tells her he can't read it, she chastises him and says he told her he could over the phone. "I can understand it, lady. I just can't read it!"
- A world famous conductor, a marvelous one at that, has decided that he's finally had enough, and he's going to retire. He announced his final performance, and when the time came, as always, the theatre is completely packed. The performance is amazing, and he decides it's a fitting farewell. He leaves after the performance, but is approached by a group of large, intimidating men. They tell him that he can't quit now, and if he retires, they're going to break his legs. Frightened by the threat, he tries to figure out a way out of it. He has no choice but to announce another performance. Again, the theatre is packed, and the performance is marvelous...but at the end, he whips out a pistol and shoots a violinist in the head, killing him instantly. He's arrested and brought before a judge, who asks "How do you plead?". He says "I'm guilty, everyone saw me do it." The judge replies, "Then I have no choice but to sentence you to death by electric chair." Before he's brought to the chair, he's asked for his last meal, and he requests a dozen bananas on a silver platter. He's led to the chair, strapped in, and the machine turned on. After the process ends, it looks like he's dead, but as they're unstrapping him, he twitches a bit, before appearing to come back to life. The executioner says "It is a sign from God to set you free! You may go." This process is repeated several times, each time he commits a bigger crime (bringing out a flamethrower and torching his entire orchestra, throwing a grenade into the audience), going into more detail about his prison stay (his cellmate, the condition of the cell), increasing the amount of power given to the chair (much longer than usual, then enough to short out the entire prison building), and the appearance of the man's death lasting longer (he comes back to life when being taken out of the prison, then scratches are heard from inside his coffin). The last time, the minister giving his eulogy opens his coffin after hearing the scratches and out pops the man, good as new. "How do you keep doing this?" the minister asks. "This is incredible!" To which the man replies: "Didn't you hear? I'm a bad conductor."
- Three men were driving down a lonely country road one night. Suddenly, the car broke down. One man was a mechanic, but try as he might, he couldn't get the car to start. They checked, but there was no cell phone reception for at least a hundred yards in every direction. Looking around, they saw a dim light far in the distance, and with no other option, they headed towards it. About halfway there, the wind was becoming fierce. A storm was brewing. They had a brief debate on whether or not to go back to the car, but decided if they were to go back, the wind would be against them, and so continued on. As the rain started to come down, they found the light was from a bed and breakfast. The proprietor was a skinny old woman, so deaf the men needed to shout to get her attention, but polite enough, and was not at all unhappy about them checking in so late. They decided it was late, so they would call a tow truck in the morning, and went to bed. They woke up the next morning and went downstairs for breakfast. The first man ordered Corn Flakes, the second man ordered Corn Flakes, and the third man ordered Fruit Loops. What's the moral of the story? Two out of three people choose Corn Flakes.
- A variation on this with essentially the same punchline, "The Multicolor House Joke", tells the tale of a business executive, a housewife, and a biker all coded by color (for example: red, green, and black) who break down in the middle of the night and find refuge in a multicolored house. For each character, their stories told in sequence, different parts of the house are assigned different colors at random, and a strikingly beautiful woman opens the door to the house. She has no phone, she says, but the travelers are welcome to spend the night. As she leads each person (told in excruciating detail) through the house, interior architecture and furniture are all the color of the traveler being described until the traveler dons a bathrobe of their color and goes to bed in a bed of their color. The next day, the narrative of each traveler is again told in sequence, but the inside of the house is white save for a line of their color that goes out the white door into the white hallway down the white stairs etc. etc. until it reaches a breakfast table with three chairs, one of each traveler color. When all three travelers are assembled at the table and looking at each other expectantly, the strikingly beautiful woman asks them what they want for breakfast. Cue their breakfast cereal orders and the "2 out of 3 people prefer..." punchline.
- The lion and the elephant are arguing over who's really King of the Jungle; the lion says he's traditionally King, therefore he should be King, but the elephant argues he's stronger, so he should be King. Eventually, they decide to have a football game to settle the matter, and they pick other animals to be on their team. The elephant picks, among others, the rhinoceros because he's big, strong, and tough to tackle, while the lion picks, among others, the donkey, because he can kick the ball far with his hind legs. The elephant's team wins the toss and elects to receive. The lion tells the donkey, "Just kick it as high and as far as you can. Oh, and don't kick it to the rhinoceros; he's good." The donkey promises not to. It then kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros, who runs it back for a touchdown. The lion's team is able to drive back and tie the score, since he has a good team. The lion tells the donkey, "Listen, I know that was probably a mistake, and this time I'll let it go, but please don't kick it to the rhinoceros again." The donkey says he won't, but once again he kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros, who runs it back for another touchdown. Once again, the lion's team is able to drive back and tie the score. Dissolve to the 4th quarter. The score is tied, and the cycle has repeated itself for the whole game. The lion is so angry that steam is coming out of his ears, and says to the donkey, "Listen, if you kick it to the rhinoceros one more time, I'm going to have you for dinner tonight." The donkey, now trembling says he won't. Once again, he kicks a beautiful kick...right to the rhinoceros. The rhinoceros has it at the 40, the 30, the 20, and he's got no one to stop him, when all of a sudden, he trips and fumbles. The lion's team recovers, and has a chance to win the game. The lion looks around to see what caused the rhinoceros to trip, and that's when he notices the giant centipede. "Centipede, is that you?" "Yes." "Nice tackle." "Thanks." "Where have you been?" "In the locker room." "The locker room?!? What the hell have you been doing all this time in the locker room?" "Tying my shoes."
- A man who liked to travel once went to Africa. While exploring the picturesque landscape, he saw a roaring elephant. The man went closer and saw a spear stuck in the elephant's leg. The man felt pity for the poor animal, pulled the spear out and bandaged the wound with his own shirt. Ten years later, the man was going for a walk in his hometown and saw a poster which said that a circus famous for its trained elephants was coming to the town. The man, interested, decided to go to the show. During the performance, one of the elephants suddenly broke the fence surrounding the cirque, ran towards the man, grabbed him with his trunk and smashed him against the floor. It wasn't the same elephant.
- Billy lived in a boring little town, the only attraction being a run-down old zoo with nothing but run-of-the-mill farm animals. One day, when passing by the zoo, he spots a huge, shiny, brand new enclosure. Running towards it he discovers it houses a bright purple gorilla. The zookeeper sees him admiring it, and he tells him, "Ah, this is the Pan-Pan Fandango Gorilla. Imported him from Nicaragua for just this weekend. He's a great animal, and very intelligent: cleans his own enclosure, builds his own shelters, sometimes I think I see him reading the signs! He's really friendly too, you can wave at him and he'll wave back, he plays ball with visitors. Amazing creature. Just one thing - don't touch him." And the zookeeper walks off. Naturally intrigued, Billy sneaks towards the enclosure, and the bright purple gorilla walks up to him. Billy reaches out to touch, and the gorilla reaches back... But the zookeeper arrives and shouts, "What did I tell you! No touching!" and escorts him out of the zoo. Billy comes back late that night while the zookeeper's asleep, and finds the purple gorilla just sitting there in the cage, waiting for him. They reach out, and finally touch, and the gorilla lets out a huge, ferocious roar. Billy runs in terror, but the gorilla leaps out of the enclosure and gives chase. Now, here's where the really long part comes - essentially, the joker describes a round-the-world trip, the gorilla chasing Billy. Maybe he gets on a plane, only to see the purple gorilla piloting a biplane after him. Perhaps he hides in a cave and speaks to friendly animals, but the purple gorilla brings his own animal friends and the boy only just escapes. Maybe they go to China and battle ninjas on the Great Wall. Anyway, eventually they reach some suitably climactic dead end - Billy's stuck on a rock jutting over Niagara Falls as the immense and angry purple gorilla closes in, maybe they make it back to Billy's hometown where he falls into the enclosure, maybe they make it to the very edge of the universe and the final confrontation happens on a space station. The purple gorilla finally closes in, and this time Billy can't find a way out. The purple gorilla closes in, eyes ablaze, taps him lightly on the arm and shouts, "Tag! You're it!"
- Ladies and gentlemen, the Depressed Guy Joke. So there's this guy. He's really, really depressed. He's too depressed to even commit suicide. That's how depressed this guy is. Because he's just so very depressed, he lives in his mom's basement and just sits there being depressed. Well, one day, his mother noticed that the circus was in town. She figured she would buy him a ticket to try to cheer him up, because he's just so depressed, it's depressing. She gives him a ticket for seat 53B, and sends him on his way. Because he's so depressed and has nothing better to do, he goes ahead and arrives a couple of hours early, while the circus is still setting up. Everyone else is really busy, so he wanders over to a nearby giraffe and starts talking to it for a few minutes before wandering off elsewhere. When he came back, the giraffe had fallen over dead. Its long neck was flopped over the side of the enclosure, its tongue was hanging out of its mouth, and flies had already gathered around the body. [Note: This part of the joke should ideally continue for as long as the patience of the teller and listener will allow, along with the creativity of the teller.] The circus finally opens, so the guy goes in, finds seat 53B, and sits down. The show soon starts, and there are acrobats, and jugglers, and magicians, and lion tamers, and everything else that makes a circus worth seeing. At the very end, after the other acts have cleared off the stage, this tiny little car drives out. The door opens, and this massive, morbidly obese, practically spherical clown steps out. The clown asks, "Would the person in seat 53B stand up, please?" The depressed guy goes ahead and stands up, because he has nothing better to do. The clown then says, "Well, there's one end of the horse, but where's the other?" This just makes the guy even more depressed. He goes home and doesn't come out of the basement for thirteen years. All that time, he is planning his revenge on this fat clown. Well, thirteen years after he first went, his mother notices that the same circus is back in town. She goes ahead and buys him another ticket for seat 53B, because she figures that the third time's the charm, and there is no third time without a second time. So the depressed guy returns to the circus, just like the last time. The skeleton of the giraffe is still there, as a modern art piece for some reason. There are a bunch of art critics gathered around it, debating its meaning. The depressed guy listens for a while, before going to take his seat. Well, the show goes just like it did thirteen years ago. The list of performers is exactly the same. The depressed guy gets a little less depressed at the anticipation of getting his revenge on that clown. The show goes on, until finally, the same tiny car comes out onto the empty stage. The same gargantuan clown comes out of the car, and asks, "Would the person in seat 53B stand up, please?" The depressed guy stands up, ready to really give it to the clown. Once again, the clown says, "Well, there's one end of the horse, but where's the other?" The depressed guy takes a deep breath, and shouts, "Screw you, clown!"
- Another variant on the joke is even longer and is instead about a kid who aspires to be a clown, becomes depressed after being told the joke, and finally resumes his dream of becoming a clown just to get back at him, with the same Lame Comeback.
- Another variant on the joke is even longer
- Latvian jokes seem to be this. Their humor stems from the fact that they are written in broken English, but are also quite depressing and horrifying. An example:
- "Three Latvian are brag about sons. 'My son is soldier. He have rape as many women as he want,' say first Latvian. 'So?' second say, 'My son is farmer. He have all potato he want!' Third Latvian wait long time, then say, 'My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over.' 'Wow! You are win us,' say others. But all are feel sad."
- There was a young boy who had a terminal illness. Despite being bedridden, he was a cheerful boy, and his father did everything he could to make his son happy. One day, shortly before the boy's birthday, his father asked "What would you like for your birthday?" With barely a pause, the boy responded "a green golf ball." The father said, "Well, of course, son, but why do you want a green golf ball?" "Please, father" the boy said, "don't ask me why, just get me a green golf ball." (The teller can stretch it out at this point as far as his audience will stand, with each successive birthday the boy asking for one more golf ball than he had the year before, and the same conversation occurring each time). One day, the disease finally became too much for the boy to bear, and he lay on his deathbed. With the last of his strength, he called his father into his room. The father rushed in, and sat at his son's bed and held his hands as they both wept. After a long time, the boy said "Father, I know you've always wanted to know why I wanted green golf balls every year for my birthday. Now I think I must finally tell you, since I am not long for this world." The boy's voice had become little more than a hoarse rasp at this point, and his father had to lean in close to hear him. "Whisper it in my ear, my dear son," the father said. The boy leaned forward, until his lips almost touched his father's ear, and died.
- A variation of this has pink ping-pong balls rather than green golf balls, has the balls being gifted as the result of progressively impressive achievements, has the number of balls grown exponentially rather than linearly, and has the boy/man be hit by a car at the end as he was never terminally ill.
- Commonly used by online trolls: someone will post a long, rambling story, which unexpectely ends with:
- The theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
- "Lose Yourself" by Eminem (specifically the "Mom's spaghetti" portion), or "Walk the Dinosaur" by Was (Not Was).
- A character asking for "tree fiddy" and revealing himself to be the Loch Ness monster, per Chef's father's stories in the South Park episode "The Succubus."
- "AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!" (This phrase was taken from a prank call done by a radio channel.)
- One night a bunch of teenagers were having a party while their parents were out. It got stormy and the power went out. The phone rang and one of the teenagers picked it up. The voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only ten miles away." The kids got freaked out, but decided it must be a prank caller, and tried to call their parents but none of them would pick up. After a while the phone rang and the kids were a little scared to pick it up, but they thought it might be some of the parents. A boy picked it up and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 7 miles away." the kids were getting scared, but thought it was still the prank caller, and tried calling parents again, but none of them would pick up. Soon the phone rang again and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 5 miles away." By this time they were starting to think it might not be a prank caller, because a prank caller would have given up by now. Soon the phone rang again and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 3 miles away." By this point some of the kids hid in the basement. Soon the phone rang again and they were really scared to answer, but a brave boy picked it up and the voice on the other line said "I am the Bloody Finger, and I am only 1 mile away." Soon all the kids were hiding in the basement and there was a knock on the door. They didn't want to answer it and the person kept knocking for a long time. Soon they decided it might be someone's parents, so they went upstairs and opened the door. The man at the door said "I am the Bloody Finger, can I get a band-aid?
- In another variation, he is the Viper, and he has come to vipe the vindows.
- Another variation has the person receiving the calls be a woman alone in her house. After the original punchline, there is a second: “And that’s how I met your father!”
- A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
- So there are these two horses, Hobbin and Nobbin. Now, Hobbin's a long-time racing champ, never been beaten, while Nobbin's the fresh-from-the-paddock upstart, eager to prove himself. So Nobbin challenges Hobbin to a race, he's been eating his horsey-oats, doing his horsey-situps, he's convinced he's ready. "I'm faster than you, Hobbin," he says, "No, you're not," says Hobbin. "Well, there's only one way to find out?" says Nobbin. "So there is," says Hobbin. So they go out to the track and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! Well, Nobbin's furious. "I'll get you next time, Hobbin!" he says, and he goes back to his stable, does his horsey-training, eats his horsey-oats, does his horsey-situps, and a year later he's ready to challenge Hobbin again. They go out to the racetrack and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! Nobbin's really mad this time, he's sure he had Hobbin, but he won't stay beaten. "I'll get you next time, Hobbin!" he says, and he goes back to his stable. He does his horsey-training, eats his horsey-oats, does his horsey-situps, and a year later he's ready to challenge Hobbin again. They go out to the racetrack and the dog waves the flag and THEY'RE OFF! It's Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, Hobbin-Nobbin Hobbin-Nobbin neck-and-neck, HobbinNobbinHobbinNobbinneckandneck, and they cross the finish line and Hobbin takes it by a nose! [Feel free to do as many cycles of this as your audience can stand]. Nobbin's beside himself, he's stamping his hooves and prancing about, he's so mad his eyes are rolling and he's snorting and neighing, and the starter dog gets down off his podium and comes over to the two horses and says, "Look, guys, isn't there some other way to settle this?" Hobbin and Nobbin look at each other and Hobbin goes "Holy crap, a talking dog!"
- This is essentially the point of The Aristocrats. That, and repeatedly dancing back and forth over the line as much as possible.
- It's business as usual for a bartender, and one day as he is cleaning his bar when an unusual customer walks in. The man is dressed in an expensive suit, has a beautiful supermodel hanging off each arm, and has a limo parked outside. Furthermore, the man has an orange for a head. The customer sits down at the bar and orders everyone a drink. He pays for it from a roll of hundreds and manages to get the attention of every woman in the joint, despite having an orange for a head. The bartender is not a man to pry, but he feels compelled to ask about this man's life. "Excuse me," says the bartender, "I can't help but notice that you're obviously fabulously wealthy and irresistable to women, but you have an orange for a head. How did that happen?" So the man told his story. "A while back, when I was penniless, I was walking along the beach and saw an old lamp, half buried in the sand. I picked it up and gave it a clean, and POOF! out popped a genie. The genie explained that he had been trapped in that lamp for two hundred years, and that he was so grateful to me for freeing him that he would give me three wishes. For my first wish I asked for an unlimited fortune. The genie said 'It is done!' and from then on, whenever I needed money, it was there. For my second wish I asked for the attention of all the most beautiful women in the world. The genie said it was done, and since then I have been able to get any woman I wanted. For my third wish — and, this is the bit where I kinda fucked up — I asked for an orange for a head."
- A guy wants to impress a girl on his college campus named Amy, and asks his roommate what she likes. He buys everything the roommate says to buy, and gives them all to her on her birthday. She tells him she's flattered, but she's just not interested in him. The guy is confused at what he did wrong, until the roommate pipes up with "Oh, you said Amy? I thought you said Katie!"
- "So, I got her all the wrong stuff?" "Nah, Amy's just a big ol' lesbo!"
- A tourist is lost in the middle of a Thirsty Desert and after crawling around for several days, comes across a veiled Bedouin walking towards him. "Water, water!" the tourist asks, only for the Bedouin to respond with, "I'm terribly sorry sir, I do not have water to spare, would you like to keep this beautiful tie instead? I have a spare." Thinking the Bedouin is out of his mind, the tourist dismisses the tie and keeps on crawling until a distance ahead, he comes across another Bedouin, this time on a camel. "Water, water!" the tourist begs, but once more, the Bedouin on a camel replied, "Sorry sir, I'm afraid I don't have enough water to spare, but you can have this beautiful tie instead." So the tourist turns him down and keeps moving, and a distance ahead, comes a caravan. Again, when the tourist asks, "Water, water!" the caravan's owner responds with, "I don't have extra water, but there is a surplus of extra ties in our cart, we can give you a few for free." (The joke-teller is free to drag it out as long as he desires — say, the tourist then comes across a tour bus, a limo, etc. ALL who responds the tourist's demand for water with, "Sorry sir, we don't have extra water, but we have a free tie you can keep..." which the tourist turns down, thinking everyone's out of their goddamn minds)... and after a while, the tourist then comes across, what'dya know, a Five-Star Hotel / Restaurant in the middle of the desert, with a sign proudly proclaiming, "FREE WATER". But upon making his way in, the tourist is blocked by the doorman. "Sorry sir, but according to our dress code, we reserve the rights to deny entry to customers without a tie."
- There was a boy who got cursed by a wizard so that he could only say one word per year. So he didn't speak at all for four years, collected four words and went to the wizard. Then the wizard tells him: "Unused words don't accumulate." "Fuck."
- There was a dark, dark town, and in that dark, dark town, was a dark, dark house, and in that dark, dark house, was a dark, dark room, and in that dark, dark room, was a dark, dark closet, and in that dark, dark closet, was a dark, dark chest, and in that dark, dark chest, was a dark, dark box, and in that dark, dark box, was a dark, dark bag, and in that dark, dark bag, was a pink jellybean.
- A man was lost in a Thirsty Desert, and [many torturous details of dying of thirst later] he was at his last extremity. Just then, he found an oasis. He waded in, drank hugely, and was finally revived — and then he looked over and saw an enormous snake! To his horror, the snake began to speak. "My name is Nate," it said, "and I guard this oasis and I kill anyone who finds it. Because over there is a lever which, if pulled, will end the world." As the man is coming to terms with this, the snake adds, "But I am getting old, and soon my nephew will take over my duty as guardian of the lever. So I will spare your life if you do me a favor. Take my nephew out and let him see the world before he spends the rest of his life confined to this oasis." So the man agrees, and he and the young snake go out and [description of many, many cities and adventures], until at last the snake says he is satisfied. But as their Jeep is topping the last sand dune before the oasis, the traction slips, and the Jeep goes into a skid. The man realizes they are on a collision course with the lever. He also realizes that he might be able to countersteer and skid to the left, but Nate is there and the old snake will have no time to move before he is crushed under the tires. But if he does nothing, he will end the world! With a heavy heart, he jerks on the wheel and sets them on the fatal course, shouting "Better Nate than lever!"
- A little girl named Sally purchases an old doll from an antique store. The store owner tells her that she must lock the doll in her attic at night. After playing with the doll, she takes it up to her attic and puts it in a wooden box but she can't find a lock for it, so she just leaves in the box unlocked and goes downstairs and gets in bed. A few hours later she wakes up and hears a voice that says, "Sally, I'm alive. Sally, I'm free. Sally, I'm in the attic. Sally, I'm on the ladder. Sally, I'm in the hallway. Sally, I'm at your door. Sally, I'm in your room. Sally, I'm on your bed. Sally, I'm going to eat you. KKHHHHHHK-HHHHHHHGK!" ... ... ... ... ... Asthma Attack!
