Pregnancy Test
Alexis picks out her outfit for her first day at Elmdale College, which David casually mocks. Johnny comes in and announces its garbage day. Alexis brightly says that theirs is full, while Johnny reminds his children that they are to tie up the trash bag and put it outside the door. Johnny goes into the bathroom, and Alexis tells David not to mention her college plans to Johnny because she doesn’t want his input. She also tells David she has a lot of big changes in her life, and she goes for a run. Johnny emerges from the bathroom with a positive pregnancy test, and David reacts in horror.
Johnny examines the pregnancy test, and Moira wonders if they are 100% sure it is hers. Johnny replies the test is 100% sure it's someone’s, giving Moira a look. She replies she was ready to stop after one. David adds that Alexis has been very “up and down lately” but he chalked that up to her personal life being a steaming pile of sh—. Johnny says someone must talk to her as Moira has a selfish meltdown about what a baby will mean to them all. Johnny tries to calm everyone and tells everyone Alexis will need support. David says he’s not in a place to be emotionally available to a baby. Johnny chides him for not looking out for Alexis, which David replies, “I’m sorry I’m not a condom.” Moira continues her meltdown.
At the store, Patrick applies eye cream to David as David says he’s feeling very alone. Patrick kisses him and says “imagine how Alexis must feel” but David hasn’t spoken to her. A customer arrives interrupts the make out session. David says he’s feeling shaken by the fact that Alexis is knocked up and that they don’t have enough privacy to really “connect.” They tease each other.
Moira goes to City Hall looking for her sunglasses, where Jocelyn points out they are on Moira’s head. Jocelyn notices Moira is distracted, and Moira blurts out that Alexis is pregnant. Jocelyn, however, admits that it is she who is pregnant, having taken the test in Alexis’s bathroom. Moira is joyously relieved, and Jocelyn says she thought it was menopause. Jocelyn asks Moira to keep it a secret from Roland, whom she hasn’t told yet.
Johnny waits in Alexis’s room, and he asks her how she is. They proceed to have a long conversation which she thinks is about her college career and he thinks is about the baby she isn’t having. She ends the conversation with “if I don’t like it I’ll just give it up” to a shocked and confused Johnny.
Stevie gets some strawberries from the crates outside Rose Apothecary but no one is at the cashier’s desk. She looks around saying “ding ding” and a slightly disheveled David appears from the back and says they are closed. Stevie replies it is 1 o’clock on a Friday. David mumbles that he and Patrick were fixing a lightbulb in the back. Patrick emerges from the back, also slightly disheveled. Stevie notices a hickey on Patrick’s neck, and the pair bemoans their lack of privacy. Stevie offers to let them stay at her place while she goes out to a spa for the night, prompting skepticism from David. At Patrick’s urging, they take her up on her offer.
Moira comes home to find Johnny pouring over financial figures, and he declares if David sells the store and they get a good price for the car, they can make it through the first two years easy. Then, they just have to figure out preschool. Moira happily tells him that it is Jocelyn who is pregnant, and Johnny wonders what he was talking with Alexis about earlier.
Alexis skeptically walks up to the modest Elmdale College, asking someone where the registrar is and wondering why the building doesn’t match the brochure. Inside, she asks for a tour and a student offers to walk her up and down the hall. He admits that the brochure features a screenshot of Dead Poet’s Society because they couldn’t afford stock images. Alexis demands a refund, but he says no refunds. He says most students take their classes online, and she decides to do that since she doesn’t ever want to come back.
Stevie welcomes Patrick and David to her apartment and warns them not to drink her booze. David is still stunned by her generosity, but Patrick tells him to let it go. There’s a knock on the door and Jake walks in. He says “Hey, Pony, are you ready to go?” Then, he kisses David hello to Patrick’s chagrin. Jake asks who Patrick is and David struggles to introduce him, so Patrick says “Patrick” but Jake does not give his name in return. David asks about their plans, to which Jake replies they are spending it in the woods. Jake explains that “after we all broke up” that he and Stevie got back together, and this surprises Patrick. Jake also invites Patrick and David, but David politely declines. When Stevie and Jake leave, Patrick says “We’re going to talk about this” and David grabs the whiskey.
At the cafe, Jocelyn takes Roland out for tacos, trying to muster the courage to tell him about the pregnancy. Roland sees Johnny and Moira and invites them to sit down, to their mortification. Jocelyn drops several hints to a clueless Roland until she finally blurts out the truth, and he is ecstatic. Moria adds that she couldn’t be happier that this is happening to their family, not hers.
David gives Patrick a glass of whiskey and toasts to privacy as he leans in for a kiss, which Patrick dodges. Patrick wants to go over everything once more, saying that David dated Jake, Stevie dated Jake and at one point you all… David corrects him and says they “almost all” but David said no. David also insists that he is not interested in either Stevie or Jake. Patrick says he wasn’t expecting to see two of David’s exes, but since they only have the place for one night, they should lock that box up. David asks Patrick about his history, and Patrick says “lock it up” and they kiss.
Alexis happily goes to see Johnny and Moira, saying that she knows college is a big expense but she thinks she can make it work. Moira asks what is happenings and Alexis replies that Dad is trying to get her to drop out of college. Moira says that he thought she was pregnant. Alexis is grossed out and offended as David arrives home with mussed hair. David says that he was processing Alexis’s situation, and she teases him about how his life will change “when the twins arrive” until Johnny tells the truth.
Tropes that Appear in This Episode
- Call-Back: Jake makes a surprise reappearance, revealing he and Stevie never stopped seeing one another.
- Comically Missing the Point: Roland, of course, can't catch a hint if it's handed to him at low speed.
- Embarrassing Nickname: Jake calls Stevie "Pony", as in she's a good, compact ride.
- Foreshadowing: Patrick's reluctance to talk about his romantic past will become a major plot point later.
- It's All About Me: Both David and Moira make Alexis's potential pregnancy all about themselves.
- Manly Gay: Patrick has come out of the closet, but doesn't change his mainstream masculine presentation and is as confused as most people would be by the odd products for sale at Rose Apothecary, like a eucalyptus under-eye cream.
- Mistaken for Pregnant: Johnny, Moira, and David, think Alexis is pregnant after they find a positive pregnancy test in her wastebasket.
- Oh, Crap!: Roland is stunned for about thirty seconds to learn Jocelyn is pregnant, but it turns out he's delighted.
- One Dialogue, Two Conversations: Alexis tells Johnny that she's determined to go to college, and if she doesn't like it she'll just give it up. Johnny, who thinks she's talking about having a baby, is horrified.
- Running Gag: Stevie takes the strawberries from Rose Apothecary without paying for them.
- Sheltered Aristocrat: While babies are expensive, Johnny's calculations about the cost seem a tad high.
- Surprise Pregnancy: It's actually Jocelyn who is pregnant with her second child.
- Tall, Dark, and Snarky: David has thoughts about Alexis's academic pursuits and possible pregnancy and they are snarky thoughts.
- A Threesome Is Hot: Chill Jake appears to be suggesting a foursome in the woods, which David politely declines.
