To prepare for this event, last night I camped out at my local bookstore to get a copy. Cracked doesn't rely on advance copies for review, as those are frequently sent out to reviewers in fragrant, jewel encrusted wrappings, perhaps to tempt less upstanding critics into squeezing more favorable reviews out into the toilet bowls that are their respective publications. That's right, here at Cracked we buy our copies for review, if not shoplift them outright. That's Our Commitment To You.
The novel begins with Robert Langdon being invited to speak at a conference in Washington by a man who will inevitably die in the first few pages. Sure enough, after arriving in the Capitol building, he discovers a gruesome murder scene laden with dense Masonic imagery and blood. Langdon then spends the next couple of pages kicking down doors and looking behind curtains, trying to find who's fucking with him. He is pissed. "Who do you think I am, fucking Angela Lansbury?" he screams.
With no response forthcoming to his query, Langdon reluctantly takes on the role of elderly woman detective one more time, to investigate this murder and the preposterous circumstances behind it. As was widely rumored, Freemasonry plays a key role in this novel, particular its ties to Washington - both the man and the city. A whirlwind trip around D.C. offers scenes set in the Capitol building, the Library of Congress and the Smithsonian, where Langdon decodes some of the dense symbolism present in the famous works of art there. The central secret all these works point to is too good to spoil, but let's just say that George Washington's penis was made out of solid diamond and he used it to communicate with aliens. I won't say anything more.
By fucking them.
OK, that's it. Not another word.
From The Crusades
, to the Inquisition, to American politics—the name Jesus
has been hijacked as an ally in all kinds of power struggles. Since the beginning of time, the ignorant had always screamed the loudest, herding the unsuspecting masses
and forcing them to do their bidding. They defended their worldly desires by citing the Scripture
they did not understand. They celebrated their intolerance as proof of their convictions. Now, after all these years, mankind has finally managed to utterly erode everything that had once been so beautiful about Jesus.
— The Lost Symbol, p. 327.