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The Three Stooges Meet 'Candice'
Curly: Hey Moe! Have you heard back from Candice?
Moe: Uh, no, I- hey, wait a minute, who's Candice?
Curly: "Candice" nuts fit in ya face? [laughter]
Moe: Hey, what's the matter wit' you, yea? You're actin' like a real deez!
Curly: Deez?
Moe: Yeah, "Deez" fingers in ya eyes! [Eye Poke]
Curly: Oooooh...! [starts spinning on floor]
Larry: I've always- ... (under his breath) Sometimes I really fuckin' hate this guy, I mean what the fuck is his...
Moe: Uh, no, I- hey, wait a minute, who's Candice?
Curly: "Candice" nuts fit in ya face? [laughter]
Moe: Hey, what's the matter wit' you, yea? You're actin' like a real deez!
Curly: Deez?
Moe: Yeah, "Deez" fingers in ya eyes! [Eye Poke]
Curly: Oooooh...! [starts spinning on floor]
Larry: I've always- ... (under his breath) Sometimes I really fuckin' hate this guy, I mean what the fuck is his...
A STOOGE AMONG US
Larry: Y'know, Moe, you've been acting pretty sus as of late.
Moe: Sus? What're you trying to say, wise guy?
Curly: I think you're right, Larry. I think we've got ourselves an imposter.
Moe: Now what are you two schmucks babbling about? I ain't no imposter, I'm me!
Curly: Well ain't that suspicious. I'm me, too!
Larry: Well hold on old boy, you ain't him, you're you!
Curly: But if I'm you, what does that make you?
Larry: I'm me.
Curly: But if you're me, and Moe's me, and you're you, but you're me, and I'm you-
Larry: No, you don't call yourself you, you're me. But not me you, the you me.
Moe: There yous go, you're on the right track. Here, why don't you put your heads together? [bonks their heads together]
Curly: Ooh, now I get it! I'm me, you's you, and he's a big joik!
Moe: Sus? What're you trying to say, wise guy?
Curly: I think you're right, Larry. I think we've got ourselves an imposter.
Moe: Now what are you two schmucks babbling about? I ain't no imposter, I'm me!
Curly: Well ain't that suspicious. I'm me, too!
Larry: Well hold on old boy, you ain't him, you're you!
Curly: But if I'm you, what does that make you?
Larry: I'm me.
Curly: But if you're me, and Moe's me, and you're you, but you're me, and I'm you-
Larry: No, you don't call yourself you, you're me. But not me you, the you me.
Moe: There yous go, you're on the right track. Here, why don't you put your heads together? [bonks their heads together]
Curly: Ooh, now I get it! I'm me, you's you, and he's a big joik!
The Four Stooges
Shemp: Heya, fellas! Been a while, hasn't it?
Moe: Now who the heck are you, huh?
Larry: Whaddya mean, Moe? That's Shemp, ol' boy!
Moe: I got eyes, wise guy! Thing is, we the Three Stooges. Now we's got one knucklehead too many.
Curly: I don't know, Moe, I'm counting three.
Moe: What's the matter with you, huh? You got a screw loose, pal? There's one, two... three?
Shemp: See? We're peachy!
Moe: No, no, that can't be right...
Larry: Did ya count yourself?
Moe: 'Course I did, you see me asking someone else to do it for me?
Curly: I guess you're too smart for your own good, nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Well you're too stupid for yours! [slaps Curly] Why don't you try it, yer-so-smart?
Curly: Why soitanly! Ya got me, Shemp, and Larry! ...Wait a minute, you're right, Moe!
Moe: When ain't I?
Curly: Sorry Moe, but including you, that's four.
Moe: What?
Shemp: What, ya don't know your arithmetics?
Moe: Big words, huh? That's enough out of you, college brain! [grabs Shemp's nose with pliers]
Shemp: Ooh! Oh Moe! Oh Moe!
Moe: Now who the heck are you, huh?
Larry: Whaddya mean, Moe? That's Shemp, ol' boy!
Moe: I got eyes, wise guy! Thing is, we the Three Stooges. Now we's got one knucklehead too many.
Curly: I don't know, Moe, I'm counting three.
Moe: What's the matter with you, huh? You got a screw loose, pal? There's one, two... three?
Shemp: See? We're peachy!
Moe: No, no, that can't be right...
Larry: Did ya count yourself?
Moe: 'Course I did, you see me asking someone else to do it for me?
Curly: I guess you're too smart for your own good, nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Well you're too stupid for yours! [slaps Curly] Why don't you try it, yer-so-smart?
Curly: Why soitanly! Ya got me, Shemp, and Larry! ...Wait a minute, you're right, Moe!
Moe: When ain't I?
Curly: Sorry Moe, but including you, that's four.
Moe: What?
Shemp: What, ya don't know your arithmetics?
Moe: Big words, huh? That's enough out of you, college brain! [grabs Shemp's nose with pliers]
Shemp: Ooh! Oh Moe! Oh Moe!
The Three Stooges go Job Hunting
Moe: So as you can see, sir, the three of us would be perfect for the job, poifect!
Hiring Manager: Okay, okay, can you just shut up and listen to me for Pete's sake? There's only one position open, alright? I can only hire one of yous.
Moe: That so? Larry, Curly, scram.
Larry: Well hold on, sir, because you need somebody you can trust! And you know what they say: "The more hair on his head, the more you can trust him in your stead!"
Curly: That ain't no saying I've ever heard of!
Larry: See what I mean? Lying through his teeth.
Hiring Manager: Look, you can be as bald as a baby or the goddamn wolfman. All I cares about is your experience.
Curly: Well then I'm your man! I fought fifteen years in the Great War!
Moe: Ah, fooey, he can't even count that high! Me on the other hand, I can count all the way to a hundred using only my fingers and my toes!
Hiring Manager: Not just any experience, numbskulls, I mean in sanitizing!
Curly: Oh! Well I'm always sanitizing about the pretty girls!
Moe: He said sanitizing, ya maroon! [bonks him on the head]
Hiring Manager: Yeah, sanitizing. You know this position is for cleaning the septic tanks every weekend, right?
Curly: Oh... well you know what they say, the more hair on your head, the more you can trust 'em!
Moe: Yeah! And-and this here's a toupee!
Curly: Congratulations, Larry!
Moe: I knew you had it in ya, Larry, I knew it!
Larry: Why does this always happen?
Hiring Manager: Okay, okay, can you just shut up and listen to me for Pete's sake? There's only one position open, alright? I can only hire one of yous.
Moe: That so? Larry, Curly, scram.
Larry: Well hold on, sir, because you need somebody you can trust! And you know what they say: "The more hair on his head, the more you can trust him in your stead!"
Curly: That ain't no saying I've ever heard of!
Larry: See what I mean? Lying through his teeth.
Hiring Manager: Look, you can be as bald as a baby or the goddamn wolfman. All I cares about is your experience.
Curly: Well then I'm your man! I fought fifteen years in the Great War!
Moe: Ah, fooey, he can't even count that high! Me on the other hand, I can count all the way to a hundred using only my fingers and my toes!
Hiring Manager: Not just any experience, numbskulls, I mean in sanitizing!
Curly: Oh! Well I'm always sanitizing about the pretty girls!
Moe: He said sanitizing, ya maroon! [bonks him on the head]
Hiring Manager: Yeah, sanitizing. You know this position is for cleaning the septic tanks every weekend, right?
Curly: Oh... well you know what they say, the more hair on your head, the more you can trust 'em!
Moe: Yeah! And-and this here's a toupee!
Curly: Congratulations, Larry!
Moe: I knew you had it in ya, Larry, I knew it!
Larry: Why does this always happen?
The Three Stooges: The Art of the Trade
Moe: Alright fellas, we got thirty minutes to make up some money or else we're in big trouble. Any ideas?
Curly: Maybe some money fell out of a truck, if you know what I mean.
Moe: We ain't gonna steal... besides, I already tried that, and you both are more broke than I am.
Larry: We could always sell something.
Moe: Well, what's to sell?
Larry: Oh, I know! The car!
Moe: Larry, you're the smartest idiot I ever met. Get the keys!
Curly: Ooh, sorry fellas. I already sold it a few weeks back.
Moe: You did?! Why?
Curly: Well, I needed money to afford the gas!
Moe: Alright, alright, nothing we can do about it now. We'll just have to sell the gas.
Curly: No can do, sold that too.
Larry: What for?
Curly: Well, I realized that the gas isn't much good without the car, and we still needed a way to get around, so I sold it for a bicycle.
Moe: Is it at least a good one?
Curly: Two wheels 'n' all! Problem is, I worked up a mighty appetite from carrying all that gas, so I rode it all the way back to the gas station and traded it for a candy bar.
Moe: Curly, you moron-
Curly: Right when I was about to eat it, this oil tycoon told me I took the last of his favorite candy, and bought it off me for two hundred bucks!
Moe: Curly, you genius! You saved us! Where's the money?
Curly: Well, I felt bad about sellin' the car without askin', so I bought it off the guy I sold it to.
Larry: So where's the car?
Curly: Funny thing is, I pick up the car and there's no gas! And well, I can't afford the gas, so I had to sell-
Moe: That's enough out of you! [bonks Curly on the head]
Curly: Maybe some money fell out of a truck, if you know what I mean.
Moe: We ain't gonna steal... besides, I already tried that, and you both are more broke than I am.
Larry: We could always sell something.
Moe: Well, what's to sell?
Larry: Oh, I know! The car!
Moe: Larry, you're the smartest idiot I ever met. Get the keys!
Curly: Ooh, sorry fellas. I already sold it a few weeks back.
Moe: You did?! Why?
Curly: Well, I needed money to afford the gas!
Moe: Alright, alright, nothing we can do about it now. We'll just have to sell the gas.
Curly: No can do, sold that too.
Larry: What for?
Curly: Well, I realized that the gas isn't much good without the car, and we still needed a way to get around, so I sold it for a bicycle.
Moe: Is it at least a good one?
Curly: Two wheels 'n' all! Problem is, I worked up a mighty appetite from carrying all that gas, so I rode it all the way back to the gas station and traded it for a candy bar.
Moe: Curly, you moron-
Curly: Right when I was about to eat it, this oil tycoon told me I took the last of his favorite candy, and bought it off me for two hundred bucks!
Moe: Curly, you genius! You saved us! Where's the money?
Curly: Well, I felt bad about sellin' the car without askin', so I bought it off the guy I sold it to.
Larry: So where's the car?
Curly: Funny thing is, I pick up the car and there's no gas! And well, I can't afford the gas, so I had to sell-
Moe: That's enough out of you! [bonks Curly on the head]
The Three Stooges challenge God
Moe: Hey Curly, where you been all day?
Curly: Oh, I was at choich! I'm turning into a real Cathólic.
Moe: Oh, a church boy, eh? What're them Ten Commandments, huh?
Curly: Why soitanly. Commandment number one: thou shalt not kill.
Moe: Yeah, that sounds right.
Curly: Number two: the right to bare arms.
Moe: Now hold on, that doesn't sound too right-
Curly: Yeah, that's what Moses said! Anyways, number three: pray before every meal.
Moe: Yeah?
Curly: Number four: Unless you're really hungry, pray after the meal.
Moe: Fair enough.
Curly: Number five: thou shalt not steal, unless you really need it.
Moe: Yeah, that's a good one.
Curly: Number six: tie your left shoe. Number seven: tie your right shoe. Number eight: tie your middle shoe.
Moe: Number nine?
Curly: Uhh, free space!
Moe: Alright, number ten?
Curly: Refer back to nine!
Moe: Larry, do any of them sound right?
Larry: How should I know, I'm Jewish!
Moe: What do you mean, they teach you them Ten Commandments too!
Larry: No, I said I'm Jew-ish!
Moe: Oh, we got a smart-alec, huh? Well here, let me teach you about Passover, as my hand passes over your face! [slaps him]
Larry: Oy gevalt!
Curly: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Hold on, laughin' boy, let me bear my arms! [hits him on the head with a wrench]
Curly: Oh, I was at choich! I'm turning into a real Cathólic.
Moe: Oh, a church boy, eh? What're them Ten Commandments, huh?
Curly: Why soitanly. Commandment number one: thou shalt not kill.
Moe: Yeah, that sounds right.
Curly: Number two: the right to bare arms.
Moe: Now hold on, that doesn't sound too right-
Curly: Yeah, that's what Moses said! Anyways, number three: pray before every meal.
Moe: Yeah?
Curly: Number four: Unless you're really hungry, pray after the meal.
Moe: Fair enough.
Curly: Number five: thou shalt not steal, unless you really need it.
Moe: Yeah, that's a good one.
Curly: Number six: tie your left shoe. Number seven: tie your right shoe. Number eight: tie your middle shoe.
Moe: Number nine?
Curly: Uhh, free space!
Moe: Alright, number ten?
Curly: Refer back to nine!
Moe: Larry, do any of them sound right?
Larry: How should I know, I'm Jewish!
Moe: What do you mean, they teach you them Ten Commandments too!
Larry: No, I said I'm Jew-ish!
Moe: Oh, we got a smart-alec, huh? Well here, let me teach you about Passover, as my hand passes over your face! [slaps him]
Larry: Oy gevalt!
Curly: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Hold on, laughin' boy, let me bear my arms! [hits him on the head with a wrench]
The Three Stooges go Hollywood
Curly: Hey Moe, if we's was in a movie, who would you cast as yerself?
Moe: A movie about us? Like that would ever sell. I see you twos for free every day and I still want my money back.
Larry: Well for me, Curly, it'd probably be Marlon Brando.
Curly: Oh, me too!
Larry: Well he couldn't play both of us!
Moe: Eh, course he could. I been playing you two for suckers for years.
Larry: Alright, but who'd play you, Moe?
Moe: Well myself, of course! My mama always said I was meant for Hollywood when I grew up.
Curly: Real shame you're the same height then!
Moe: Well here, lemme bring ya down to size! [punches him in the gut and hits him on the head]
Larry: What kind of movie would it be, anyways?
Moe: Well with hair like yours, it'd be a horror movie.
Larry: Oh yeah? Well with a face like yours, it'd be a comedy!
Moe: Huh?! Well with words like that, it'd be a murder mystery!
Curly: Y'know, Moe, I don't really see you as an actor. I hear your words, but you want the audience to feel them.
Moe: Hey, Curly.
Curly: Huh?
Moe: Action. [slaps him] Feel that?
Curly: Cut the tape, cut the tape!
Moe: A movie about us? Like that would ever sell. I see you twos for free every day and I still want my money back.
Larry: Well for me, Curly, it'd probably be Marlon Brando.
Curly: Oh, me too!
Larry: Well he couldn't play both of us!
Moe: Eh, course he could. I been playing you two for suckers for years.
Larry: Alright, but who'd play you, Moe?
Moe: Well myself, of course! My mama always said I was meant for Hollywood when I grew up.
Curly: Real shame you're the same height then!
Moe: Well here, lemme bring ya down to size! [punches him in the gut and hits him on the head]
Larry: What kind of movie would it be, anyways?
Moe: Well with hair like yours, it'd be a horror movie.
Larry: Oh yeah? Well with a face like yours, it'd be a comedy!
Moe: Huh?! Well with words like that, it'd be a murder mystery!
Curly: Y'know, Moe, I don't really see you as an actor. I hear your words, but you want the audience to feel them.
Moe: Hey, Curly.
Curly: Huh?
Moe: Action. [slaps him] Feel that?
Curly: Cut the tape, cut the tape!
The Three Stooges break the 4th wall
Curly: Ya know what's been bothering me as of late?
Larry: Yeah, what's that?
Curly: How come were always making the same poseses, and wearing the same clotheseses?
Larry: Hey, that's a good point!
Moe: Well, that's simple, fellas. We've got budgetary restraints.
Curly: Huh?
Moe: What, we ain't makin' no money off of these, how exactly do you expect us to reinvent the wheel, huh? We use what we have.
Curly: Yeah, but... yeah, oh well.
Moe: It is what it is.
Curly: What is?
Moe: It.
Curly: Is what?
Moe: What?
Curly: So it is what.
Moe: What is what?
Curly: Well that much is obvious.
Moe: What the hell are ya askin' me?
Curly: What is it, it is what?
Moe: What?
Curly: Exactly!
Larry: Hold on Moe, I think he's just confused what you meant by "It is what it is."
Moe: Curly, you moron, it's a saying! You ain't that stupid, stupid!
Curly: Oh, I knew what you meant.
Moe: You did? Then what was the point of that?!
Curly: Well, we had to stretch it to a minute somehow, right? Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Oh, don't you get meta with me, bozo! [Eye Poke with a slap sound effect]
Larry: Oh come on, that wasn't even the right sound! Now we're just getting lazy.
Larry: Yeah, what's that?
Curly: How come were always making the same poseses, and wearing the same clotheseses?
Larry: Hey, that's a good point!
Moe: Well, that's simple, fellas. We've got budgetary restraints.
Curly: Huh?
Moe: What, we ain't makin' no money off of these, how exactly do you expect us to reinvent the wheel, huh? We use what we have.
Curly: Yeah, but... yeah, oh well.
Moe: It is what it is.
Curly: What is?
Moe: It.
Curly: Is what?
Moe: What?
Curly: So it is what.
Moe: What is what?
Curly: Well that much is obvious.
Moe: What the hell are ya askin' me?
Curly: What is it, it is what?
Moe: What?
Curly: Exactly!
Larry: Hold on Moe, I think he's just confused what you meant by "It is what it is."
Moe: Curly, you moron, it's a saying! You ain't that stupid, stupid!
Curly: Oh, I knew what you meant.
Moe: You did? Then what was the point of that?!
Curly: Well, we had to stretch it to a minute somehow, right? Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Oh, don't you get meta with me, bozo! [Eye Poke with a slap sound effect]
Larry: Oh come on, that wasn't even the right sound! Now we're just getting lazy.
The Three Stooges steal from the Mob
Mobster: Okay, now youse three are gonna explain to me once more how exactly you did wasn't stealing.
Moe: Why certainly. Well this all started when we saw that you left a briefcase of money right outside the store.
Mobster: That wasn't meant for you.
Larry: W-well of course sir, we knew that, but we got to thinking: what if a group of guys saw that and took it for themselves?
Mobster: Kinda like what you guys did.
Curly: No, because unlike them, we didn't take the money, we borrowed it.
Mobster: Say that again?
Curly: That again!
Moe: Shut up, you! [Eye Poke] I'm sorry, my friend here's a bit of a wise guy. What he meant was we took the money and kept it safe.
Mobster: So what you're saying is that you got the money on you right now, huh?
Larry: Well, we did...
Moe: But you see sir, we realized, y'know, this is a lot of money. We gotta keep this safe.
Larry: So what we did is we split up the money and gave it to some of our friends to keep safe.
Mobster: And how exactly do I know I can trust them to keep that money safe?
Moe: See, we thought the same thing, so when we gave them the money, they gave us something in return.
Curly: Yeah! Like food, new clothes, a car-
Mobster: Okay, so just give 'em back and get the money.
Curly: Well, it won't be that simple.
Mobster: Yeah, why's that?
Curly: No refunds!
[Mobster shoots, they run away]
Moe: Why certainly. Well this all started when we saw that you left a briefcase of money right outside the store.
Mobster: That wasn't meant for you.
Larry: W-well of course sir, we knew that, but we got to thinking: what if a group of guys saw that and took it for themselves?
Mobster: Kinda like what you guys did.
Curly: No, because unlike them, we didn't take the money, we borrowed it.
Mobster: Say that again?
Curly: That again!
Moe: Shut up, you! [Eye Poke] I'm sorry, my friend here's a bit of a wise guy. What he meant was we took the money and kept it safe.
Mobster: So what you're saying is that you got the money on you right now, huh?
Larry: Well, we did...
Moe: But you see sir, we realized, y'know, this is a lot of money. We gotta keep this safe.
Larry: So what we did is we split up the money and gave it to some of our friends to keep safe.
Mobster: And how exactly do I know I can trust them to keep that money safe?
Moe: See, we thought the same thing, so when we gave them the money, they gave us something in return.
Curly: Yeah! Like food, new clothes, a car-
Mobster: Okay, so just give 'em back and get the money.
Curly: Well, it won't be that simple.
Mobster: Yeah, why's that?
Curly: No refunds!
[Mobster shoots, they run away]
The Three Geniuses
Larry: Hey fellas, this sign was taped to the door. What's an "invention notice?"
Moe: It ain't obvious? Uncle Sam's looking for the next big thing! Seems they're asking for our input.
Curly: Ain't that good timing! I just had myself an idea.
Larry: Oh yeah?
Curly: Ya see, what I do is I take the food I wanna eat, and mash it up good with a hammer. See that way, I ain't gonna choke!
Larry: Couldn't you just, uh, chew?
Curly: Gesundheit!
Moe: Step aside, Einstein, 'cause unlike you, I got something actually useful. I found a way to cure pain.
Curly: Ooh, show me, show me!
Moe: Why certainly. [slaps him]
Curly: Ouch! That ain't no cure I ever heard of!
Moe: Well hold on, ol' boy, there's the pain, now for the cure! [Eye Poke]
Curly: Now my eyes hurt!
Moe: Yeah, but you ain't thinkin' about that slap as much now, are ya?
Larry: Wow, you two are geniuses! I had devised a way to generate energy without the need of fossil fuels, but can't afford the parts-
Moe: Well Larry, there's always next time. Now hand over that notice, would ya? I need to know where the big check'll be coming from.
Larry: Here ya go.
Moe: Uh-huh... wait a minute, this ain't no "invention notice!" You moron, this is an eviction notice!
Curly: Think you could invent a way outta this, Moe? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Yeah, eureka! [hits him on the head]
Moe: It ain't obvious? Uncle Sam's looking for the next big thing! Seems they're asking for our input.
Curly: Ain't that good timing! I just had myself an idea.
Larry: Oh yeah?
Curly: Ya see, what I do is I take the food I wanna eat, and mash it up good with a hammer. See that way, I ain't gonna choke!
Larry: Couldn't you just, uh, chew?
Curly: Gesundheit!
Moe: Step aside, Einstein, 'cause unlike you, I got something actually useful. I found a way to cure pain.
Curly: Ooh, show me, show me!
Moe: Why certainly. [slaps him]
Curly: Ouch! That ain't no cure I ever heard of!
Moe: Well hold on, ol' boy, there's the pain, now for the cure! [Eye Poke]
Curly: Now my eyes hurt!
Moe: Yeah, but you ain't thinkin' about that slap as much now, are ya?
Larry: Wow, you two are geniuses! I had devised a way to generate energy without the need of fossil fuels, but can't afford the parts-
Moe: Well Larry, there's always next time. Now hand over that notice, would ya? I need to know where the big check'll be coming from.
Larry: Here ya go.
Moe: Uh-huh... wait a minute, this ain't no "invention notice!" You moron, this is an eviction notice!
Curly: Think you could invent a way outta this, Moe? Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Yeah, eureka! [hits him on the head]
The Three Stooges don't have Uno
Moe: Alright boys, let's play some poker. Ya got yer cards?
Larry: It was Shemp's turn to bring 'em.
Shemp: Oh, well I, uh, couldn't get 'em in time, Sorry fellas, heh heh heh.
Moe: Whaddya mean, they sell 'em for a nickel down at the corner store.
Shemp: You must be mistaken, because no luck. Probably the oldest store in town.
Moe: Now that's a lie, 'cause I bought a deck myself the day it opened.
Shemp: Yeah? Well, the day I went, no dice!
Larry: Dice? I thought we needed cards.
Moe: You coulda bought those cards, wise guy!
Shemp: They didn't have it, ya schmuck!
[slap fight, spoken over one another]
Larry: It was Shemp's turn to bring 'em.
Shemp: Oh, well I, uh, couldn't get 'em in time, Sorry fellas, heh heh heh.
Moe: Whaddya mean, they sell 'em for a nickel down at the corner store.
Shemp: You must be mistaken, because no luck. Probably the oldest store in town.
Moe: Now that's a lie, 'cause I bought a deck myself the day it opened.
Shemp: Yeah? Well, the day I went, no dice!
Larry: Dice? I thought we needed cards.
Moe: You coulda bought those cards, wise guy!
Shemp: They didn't have it, ya schmuck!
[slap fight, spoken over one another]
Moe: Go down to the store, you'll be back in a minute! It's a deck of cards, ya cheapster!
Shemp: They don't have cards, soap, floorboards, or walls, Moe! They don't even actually exist, Moe!
Larry: Moe, I have my deck- [gets slapped]
Shemp: They don't have cards, soap, floorboards, or walls, Moe! They don't even actually exist, Moe!
Larry: Moe, I have my deck- [gets slapped]
Moe: Yeah, now where was we? Oh yeah! [slaps him]
Shemp: Ya know what?! Ye'r so wise, why don't ya go down and buy a pack yerself, Moe?!
Moe: Well, I, uh, I can't.
Larry: Why not?
Moe: Whaddya mean "why not?" They're the oldest store in town, they don't carry 'em!
Shem: You mother-! [shoots gun at Moe]
Shemp: Ya know what?! Ye'r so wise, why don't ya go down and buy a pack yerself, Moe?!
Moe: Well, I, uh, I can't.
Larry: Why not?
Moe: Whaddya mean "why not?" They're the oldest store in town, they don't carry 'em!
Shem: You mother-! [shoots gun at Moe]
The Three Stooges pass the buck
Larry: Hey Moe, the faucet won't turn on. Did you pay the water bill?
Moe: I would if I could, but the telephone ain't working. Curly, did you remember to pay the telephone bill?
Curly: Sorry fellas, I would've if I could've, but what good is that if we don't even have electricity? Larry, did you forget to pay the electric bill?
Larry: Sorry old boy, I would if I could, but how could I do that when the water's out? Moe, did you forget to pay the-
Moe: Hold your horses! Now explain to me how running water decides whether you pay the electric bill or not.
Larry: I'm thirsty.
Moe: Yeah, so what?
Larry: So you expect me to go all the way to the bank parched?
Moe: Oh you're parched, are ya? Here, have a sip. [sprays him with seltzer]
Larry: That was more than a sip!
Moe: Yeah, how much more?
Larry: This much! [sprays him with seltzer]
Curly: Seems ya both are getting wet feet about the whole ordeal, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Don't worry, there's plenty to go around! [sprays him with seltzer]
Moe: I would if I could, but the telephone ain't working. Curly, did you remember to pay the telephone bill?
Curly: Sorry fellas, I would've if I could've, but what good is that if we don't even have electricity? Larry, did you forget to pay the electric bill?
Larry: Sorry old boy, I would if I could, but how could I do that when the water's out? Moe, did you forget to pay the-
Moe: Hold your horses! Now explain to me how running water decides whether you pay the electric bill or not.
Larry: I'm thirsty.
Moe: Yeah, so what?
Larry: So you expect me to go all the way to the bank parched?
Moe: Oh you're parched, are ya? Here, have a sip. [sprays him with seltzer]
Larry: That was more than a sip!
Moe: Yeah, how much more?
Larry: This much! [sprays him with seltzer]
Curly: Seems ya both are getting wet feet about the whole ordeal, nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Moe: Don't worry, there's plenty to go around! [sprays him with seltzer]
The Three Stooges run for office
Reporter: Hiya Mister Howard, I work for the local paper. Was hoping to ask you a few runs about your run for city council.
Curly: Why soitanly!
Reporter: Alright, first question: what's your strategy going into the political race?
Curly: Well I might've put on a few pounds over the past few years, but looking at the competition, at their age, ain't much of a challenge!
Moe: [bonk] Shut up, big nose! What my friend meant to say was he respects the competition, and even at their old age, they're probably fantastic athletes.
Reporter: Well, uh, it ain't that- ...never mind. Do you have any prior experience in politics?
Larry: Oh yeah, when we were kids, he was class president.
Reporter: Ah, that'd be cute for the paper. What'd ya learn from class presidency, Mister Howard?
Curly: Eh, not much. Two weeks into my run, it turned into marshal law.
Reporter: Ok-ay, uh... if elected to city council, what do you hope to bring to the table?
Curly: Huh? Nobody told me if this was a potluck! If I get elected, I'll budget for more snacks, I'll tell you that much!
Reporter: Alright, Mister Howard, this last one's, uh, off the books. Why the hell are you running for city council?
Curly: Well, they were offering free pens by the signup board.
Reporter: Why not just take the pen?
Curly: Well what good is a pen if you're not gonna use it?
Reporter: Alright, I've heard enough. Good luck with... whatever you're doing.
Moe: Damnit, Curly, ya blew it! You coulda been somebody, meaning I coulda been somebody!
Curly: Hey, if I gotta bring my own food, I don't wanna be a part of it!
Moe: Well here's a knuckle sandwich for free! [hits him]
Curly: Why soitanly!
Reporter: Alright, first question: what's your strategy going into the political race?
Curly: Well I might've put on a few pounds over the past few years, but looking at the competition, at their age, ain't much of a challenge!
Moe: [bonk] Shut up, big nose! What my friend meant to say was he respects the competition, and even at their old age, they're probably fantastic athletes.
Reporter: Well, uh, it ain't that- ...never mind. Do you have any prior experience in politics?
Larry: Oh yeah, when we were kids, he was class president.
Reporter: Ah, that'd be cute for the paper. What'd ya learn from class presidency, Mister Howard?
Curly: Eh, not much. Two weeks into my run, it turned into marshal law.
Reporter: Ok-ay, uh... if elected to city council, what do you hope to bring to the table?
Curly: Huh? Nobody told me if this was a potluck! If I get elected, I'll budget for more snacks, I'll tell you that much!
Reporter: Alright, Mister Howard, this last one's, uh, off the books. Why the hell are you running for city council?
Curly: Well, they were offering free pens by the signup board.
Reporter: Why not just take the pen?
Curly: Well what good is a pen if you're not gonna use it?
Reporter: Alright, I've heard enough. Good luck with... whatever you're doing.
Moe: Damnit, Curly, ya blew it! You coulda been somebody, meaning I coulda been somebody!
Curly: Hey, if I gotta bring my own food, I don't wanna be a part of it!
Moe: Well here's a knuckle sandwich for free! [hits him]
A Three Stooges Thanksgiving
Moe: Alright fellas, it's Thanksgiving, so before you dig in, let's go around and say what we're thankful for, eh?
Larry: Oh? Well I'm thankful for the roof over our heads.
Curly: Not that you can see it with all that hair.
Larry: Oh, real jealous of the view, cue ball.
Moe: Fellas, fellas, let's not bicker! We're a family, let's just put everything aside and be friends, alright?
Larry: Eh, you're right. Sorry, baldy.
Curly: Sorry, porcupine.
Moe: Good. Now I'm thankful for this food we got here.
Larry: Yeah, you really went all out with this, Moe. How'd ya do it?
Moe: Oh, all this? It, uh, it fell out of a truck?
Larry: Yeah, but what about the dining table, the plates, the spoons, the-
Moe: It was a big truck.
Curly: Well I'm thankful for that truck. I've had your cooking.
Moe: What's that supposed to mean?
Curly: Last year's turkey was so undercooked, when I tried to take a bite out of it, it took a bite outta me!
Moe: That bad, huh? Alright, well here. This year, why don't you skip the entrée and go straight to dessert?! [throws pie]
Curly: Ooh! This pecan tastes sour!
Moe: Really?
Curly: Yeah, look! [throws pie]
Larry: [laughs] You two look ridiculous!
Moe: Good, you'll fit right in! [throws pie]
[laughter and pie fights ensue]
Larry: Oh? Well I'm thankful for the roof over our heads.
Curly: Not that you can see it with all that hair.
Larry: Oh, real jealous of the view, cue ball.
Moe: Fellas, fellas, let's not bicker! We're a family, let's just put everything aside and be friends, alright?
Larry: Eh, you're right. Sorry, baldy.
Curly: Sorry, porcupine.
Moe: Good. Now I'm thankful for this food we got here.
Larry: Yeah, you really went all out with this, Moe. How'd ya do it?
Moe: Oh, all this? It, uh, it fell out of a truck?
Larry: Yeah, but what about the dining table, the plates, the spoons, the-
Moe: It was a big truck.
Curly: Well I'm thankful for that truck. I've had your cooking.
Moe: What's that supposed to mean?
Curly: Last year's turkey was so undercooked, when I tried to take a bite out of it, it took a bite outta me!
Moe: That bad, huh? Alright, well here. This year, why don't you skip the entrée and go straight to dessert?! [throws pie]
Curly: Ooh! This pecan tastes sour!
Moe: Really?
Curly: Yeah, look! [throws pie]
Larry: [laughs] You two look ridiculous!
Moe: Good, you'll fit right in! [throws pie]
[laughter and pie fights ensue]
The Three Stooges get Drafted
Drill Sergeant: Ten-hut! Alright, maggots, line up!
Stooges: (in harmony) Hello, hello, hello! (speaking) Hello!
Drill Sergeant: You three listen here! There'll be no theatrics in this camp, do you hear me?
Larry: Mostly in my left ear, my right ear's a bit clogged.
Drill Sergeant: You three have been drafted to fight on behalf of Uncle Sam. It is my responsibility to shape you into the ideal soldier.
Moe: Heh, good luck with big bones over here.
Curly: Hey! What are ya tryin' to say?
Moe: All's I'm saying is it's a shame they don't need cannonballs nowadays. [chuckles]
Drill Sergeant: Listen up, you will not speak unless spoken to-
Curly: So like right now?
[Beat]
Drill Sergeant: [inhales, exhales] Okay. How 'bout this? From now on, in my presence, you will only repeat after me. Let's practice, shall we? (singing cadence) I don't know what I've been told!
Stooges: (singing off-key) You told us to only repeat after you!
Drill Sergeant: Ee-nough! You three have got to be the most obnoxious runts I've had the pleasure to meet here!
Curly: Ah, the pleasure's all ours!
Drill Sergeant: That's. It. You three are on janitor duty!
Moe: Yeah, that's just great. Look what you two ignoramuses did! Now we're gonna be washin' toilets for the next few months!
Curly: I sure hope Uncle Sam didn't have a big lunch.
Larry: Fellas, we might be washing toilets, but we're doing it for our country.
Moe: Oh, a real patriot, huh? Well, salute! [slaps Larry]
Stooges: (in harmony) Hello, hello, hello! (speaking) Hello!
Drill Sergeant: You three listen here! There'll be no theatrics in this camp, do you hear me?
Larry: Mostly in my left ear, my right ear's a bit clogged.
Drill Sergeant: You three have been drafted to fight on behalf of Uncle Sam. It is my responsibility to shape you into the ideal soldier.
Moe: Heh, good luck with big bones over here.
Curly: Hey! What are ya tryin' to say?
Moe: All's I'm saying is it's a shame they don't need cannonballs nowadays. [chuckles]
Drill Sergeant: Listen up, you will not speak unless spoken to-
Curly: So like right now?
[Beat]
Drill Sergeant: [inhales, exhales] Okay. How 'bout this? From now on, in my presence, you will only repeat after me. Let's practice, shall we? (singing cadence) I don't know what I've been told!
Stooges: (singing off-key) You told us to only repeat after you!
Drill Sergeant: Ee-nough! You three have got to be the most obnoxious runts I've had the pleasure to meet here!
Curly: Ah, the pleasure's all ours!
Drill Sergeant: That's. It. You three are on janitor duty!
Moe: Yeah, that's just great. Look what you two ignoramuses did! Now we're gonna be washin' toilets for the next few months!
Curly: I sure hope Uncle Sam didn't have a big lunch.
Larry: Fellas, we might be washing toilets, but we're doing it for our country.
Moe: Oh, a real patriot, huh? Well, salute! [slaps Larry]
Doctor Strange Multiverse of Stooges
Wong: Damnit, Strange, how many more worlds do we need to follow Chavez through before we find her?
Strange: I don't know. But things are starting to get weird, even for me. I mean, that last one had a Tony Stark wearing blackface.
Wong: At least this one isn't that bad. I don't see any color, though.
Moe: Well you's gonna be seeing a lotta black and blue unless you vacate the premises, see?
Strange: I-I-I'm sorry, we're not from here.
Moe: Yeah, well you got a few seconds before I send you back from whence you came!
Wong: Wait, you're multiversal, too?
Curly: No, we're only versed in English, but we're the bestest at it!
Strange: Listen, I'm looking for America.
Curly: Well, here ya are!
Strange: America's here? Is she okay?
Larry: Eh, she's seen better days.
Wong: Strange, they're taking your words literally. They think you're talking about North America.
Curly: Well did you mean Southern or Latin?
Strange: Listen, this is serious! My name is Strange, and this world and many others-
Larry: Strange? Well what's so strange about it?
Strage: No no no, this has been done to death. Listen, my name is actually "Strange." It's Steven Strange. That's my name.
Larry: No, I know, I was just playing with you.
Strange: Oh? Alright, good, we're getting somewhere.
Larry: But then who's that?
Strange: Oh, uh, this is Wong.
Moe: You're telling me. Ever heard of knocking first?
Strange: What? No no, his name is Wong.
Curly: Who are you to say that, huh? Why don't we ask him himself?
Wong: My name is Wong.
Curly: Now look what you did to his self-esteem. For shame, Doctor Weird.
Strange: It's Strange.
Larry: But it's still the name his mother gave him.
Strange: It's Wong!
Larry: Alright, it was his father, how was I supposed to know?
Strange: Look. Have you seen a Scarlet Witch by any chance? Or I guess in this world, a lightish-grey witch?
Curly: Have I seen which?
Strange: Yes.
Curly: No, have I see which witch?
Strange: What?
Curly: Which witch is which?
Strange: No I- uh- the- Wong, we need to get out of here!
Wong: You don't have to tell me twice. [Beat] And just so you know, it was my mother.
Strange: Okay...? [they leave]
Curly: Whaddya think all that was about?
Moe: Not a clue.
Larry: Well I don't know, but from the looks of it, it looked like two wizards trying to track down a multiversal being who can travel between dimensions to prevent a witch from absorbing her powers so that she can get her two children from one of infinite different realities at the cost of said being.
Moe: Well wait, uh, I knew that. I was just seeing if you twos knew it.
Larry: Yeah, sure.
Moe: You wanna see a real magic trick? I'm gonna make all the lights around ya disappear! Ready? Abracadabra! [slaps Larry]
Strange: I don't know. But things are starting to get weird, even for me. I mean, that last one had a Tony Stark wearing blackface.
Wong: At least this one isn't that bad. I don't see any color, though.
Moe: Well you's gonna be seeing a lotta black and blue unless you vacate the premises, see?
Strange: I-I-I'm sorry, we're not from here.
Moe: Yeah, well you got a few seconds before I send you back from whence you came!
Wong: Wait, you're multiversal, too?
Curly: No, we're only versed in English, but we're the bestest at it!
Strange: Listen, I'm looking for America.
Curly: Well, here ya are!
Strange: America's here? Is she okay?
Larry: Eh, she's seen better days.
Wong: Strange, they're taking your words literally. They think you're talking about North America.
Curly: Well did you mean Southern or Latin?
Strange: Listen, this is serious! My name is Strange, and this world and many others-
Larry: Strange? Well what's so strange about it?
Strage: No no no, this has been done to death. Listen, my name is actually "Strange." It's Steven Strange. That's my name.
Larry: No, I know, I was just playing with you.
Strange: Oh? Alright, good, we're getting somewhere.
Larry: But then who's that?
Strange: Oh, uh, this is Wong.
Moe: You're telling me. Ever heard of knocking first?
Strange: What? No no, his name is Wong.
Curly: Who are you to say that, huh? Why don't we ask him himself?
Wong: My name is Wong.
Curly: Now look what you did to his self-esteem. For shame, Doctor Weird.
Strange: It's Strange.
Larry: But it's still the name his mother gave him.
Strange: It's Wong!
Larry: Alright, it was his father, how was I supposed to know?
Strange: Look. Have you seen a Scarlet Witch by any chance? Or I guess in this world, a lightish-grey witch?
Curly: Have I seen which?
Strange: Yes.
Curly: No, have I see which witch?
Strange: What?
Curly: Which witch is which?
Strange: No I- uh- the- Wong, we need to get out of here!
Wong: You don't have to tell me twice. [Beat] And just so you know, it was my mother.
Strange: Okay...? [they leave]
Curly: Whaddya think all that was about?
Moe: Not a clue.
Larry: Well I don't know, but from the looks of it, it looked like two wizards trying to track down a multiversal being who can travel between dimensions to prevent a witch from absorbing her powers so that she can get her two children from one of infinite different realities at the cost of said being.
Moe: Well wait, uh, I knew that. I was just seeing if you twos knew it.
Larry: Yeah, sure.
Moe: You wanna see a real magic trick? I'm gonna make all the lights around ya disappear! Ready? Abracadabra! [slaps Larry]
Another Three Stooges Thanksgiving
Curly: Wooh! This turkey business is impossible! What's so wrong with takeout?
Moe: C'mon, Curly, it's been two hours. How are you comin' along with that turkey?
Curly: I'm tryin', Moe, but I don't know the first thing about makin' a turkey!
Moe: Ah, c'mon tubby, you're tellin' me someone your size don't know food inside and out?
Curly: Well, the inside I do, but when I see turkey on Thanksgiving, it ain't on the outside too long.
Larry: Hi fellas, I'm sorry it took so long, but the stuffing's done.
Moe: Well, at least one of you is useful. Alright, porcupine, get to stuffing.
Larry: Yeah, I did, it's right here.
Moe: Yeah, I can see that. Now get stuffing already.
Larry: What're you, blind and deaf? It's right here.
Moe: What, did you get some of that stuffing stuff in your ears? I see the stuffing, Larry, I'm telling ya to take that stuffing stuff and stuff it in the stuff over there!
Larry: That's a lot of stuff you just said.
Moe: [throws stuffing at Larry's face] Stuff it, big nose!
Larry: (muffled) Ah, could've used more onion.
Moe: Alright Cue Ball, I'll take it from here, you just go over to the cookbook and tell me what to do.
Curly: You the boss! Alright, now let's see here... Alright Moe, the first thing you gotta do is talk nice to it.
Moe: I need to what?
Curly: I don't know, say something nice, or ask her about her day.
Moe: Curly, I'm not talkin' to a turkey! Where in the book does it say that?!
Curly: It says it right here, you gotta butter it up!
Moe: [bangs on table] Knock it off, wise guy! Any more funny business, and it's not just gonna be this turkey cooked tonight!
[A book titled "Survival for Dummies" falls off a bookshelf, landing on top of the cookbook and opening to the page "Campfire for Dummies"]
Curly: Alright, alright! Got your turkey?
Moe: Check.
Curly: Got your firewood?
Moe: Check.
Curly: Gasoline?
Moe: Got it.
Curly: Pour the gasoline.
Moe: [pours the gasoline] Alright.
Curly: Okay, light 'er up!
Moe: And that's how it's done, boys, that's why they got them books with the pictures. Ya follow it to a tee and you've got no problems. Ya know, I don't tell you fellas enough, but I really do appreciate all the help you've given me. Honestly, I'm just so excited for this year's Thanksgiving I feel like I might just ex-
[BOOM]
Curly: ...Moe, I don't mean to alarm you, but I read a little ahead. I don't think we brought tents! [Moe slaps him] Ooooooh-!
Larry: Alright, I'm back. You're lucky I made enough for two bowls- hey, wait a minute! Where's the turkey? What am I gonna do with this?
Moe: Well, who needs a turkey when you've got a pig right here? [throws stuffing in Curly's face]
Curly: (muffled) MMMPH! ...could've used more onion!
Larry: Hey, what gives you the right to act like a jerk on Thanksgiving?
Moe: Well actually I've got two of them right here! [pokes Larry's eyes]
Larry: Yeah? Well here's five of my own! [slaps Moe]
Moe: Alright, wise guy, y'er askin' for it! [hits Curly]
Curly: Ooh! What did I do?!
Moe: Nothin'. You looked at me funny, funny-lookin'.
[Curly breaks something and yells]
Larry: Run, Moe!
Moe: C'mon, Curly, it's been two hours. How are you comin' along with that turkey?
Curly: I'm tryin', Moe, but I don't know the first thing about makin' a turkey!
Moe: Ah, c'mon tubby, you're tellin' me someone your size don't know food inside and out?
Curly: Well, the inside I do, but when I see turkey on Thanksgiving, it ain't on the outside too long.
Larry: Hi fellas, I'm sorry it took so long, but the stuffing's done.
Moe: Well, at least one of you is useful. Alright, porcupine, get to stuffing.
Larry: Yeah, I did, it's right here.
Moe: Yeah, I can see that. Now get stuffing already.
Larry: What're you, blind and deaf? It's right here.
Moe: What, did you get some of that stuffing stuff in your ears? I see the stuffing, Larry, I'm telling ya to take that stuffing stuff and stuff it in the stuff over there!
Larry: That's a lot of stuff you just said.
Moe: [throws stuffing at Larry's face] Stuff it, big nose!
Larry: (muffled) Ah, could've used more onion.
Moe: Alright Cue Ball, I'll take it from here, you just go over to the cookbook and tell me what to do.
Curly: You the boss! Alright, now let's see here... Alright Moe, the first thing you gotta do is talk nice to it.
Moe: I need to what?
Curly: I don't know, say something nice, or ask her about her day.
Moe: Curly, I'm not talkin' to a turkey! Where in the book does it say that?!
Curly: It says it right here, you gotta butter it up!
Moe: [bangs on table] Knock it off, wise guy! Any more funny business, and it's not just gonna be this turkey cooked tonight!
[A book titled "Survival for Dummies" falls off a bookshelf, landing on top of the cookbook and opening to the page "Campfire for Dummies"]
Curly: Alright, alright! Got your turkey?
Moe: Check.
Curly: Got your firewood?
Moe: Check.
Curly: Gasoline?
Moe: Got it.
Curly: Pour the gasoline.
Moe: [pours the gasoline] Alright.
Curly: Okay, light 'er up!
Moe: And that's how it's done, boys, that's why they got them books with the pictures. Ya follow it to a tee and you've got no problems. Ya know, I don't tell you fellas enough, but I really do appreciate all the help you've given me. Honestly, I'm just so excited for this year's Thanksgiving I feel like I might just ex-
[BOOM]
Curly: ...Moe, I don't mean to alarm you, but I read a little ahead. I don't think we brought tents! [Moe slaps him] Ooooooh-!
Larry: Alright, I'm back. You're lucky I made enough for two bowls- hey, wait a minute! Where's the turkey? What am I gonna do with this?
Moe: Well, who needs a turkey when you've got a pig right here? [throws stuffing in Curly's face]
Curly: (muffled) MMMPH! ...could've used more onion!
Larry: Hey, what gives you the right to act like a jerk on Thanksgiving?
Moe: Well actually I've got two of them right here! [pokes Larry's eyes]
Larry: Yeah? Well here's five of my own! [slaps Moe]
Moe: Alright, wise guy, y'er askin' for it! [hits Curly]
Curly: Ooh! What did I do?!
Moe: Nothin'. You looked at me funny, funny-lookin'.
[Curly breaks something and yells]
Larry: Run, Moe!
