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Quotes / Misery Poker

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"Contestant Number One would say something like, 'Well, I have terminal cancer, of course, and little Billy's iron lung was destroyed in the fire, and...' Everybody in the audience would be weeping, and then Contestant Number Two would tell a story that was even worse. And then Contestant Number Three would make the other two sound like Mary Poppins."
Dave Barry Slept Here's description of the "Game Show from Hell" Queen for a Day

Mercedes: Well, Edmond, I swear to you by the head of that son for whom I entreat your pity...Edmond, during ten years I have seen every night, men balancing something shapeless and unknown at the top of a rock...during ten years, I have heard each night a terrible cry which has awoke me shuddering and cold, and I too, Edmond, believe me, guilty as I was, oh yes, I too have suffered much.
Edmond: Have you felt your father die in your absence? Have you seen the woman you loved giving her hand to your rival while you were perishing at the bottom of a dungeon?
Mercedes: No. But I have seen him who I loved on the point of murdering my son.

There's even a clumsy bit of politically correct lecturing when Ilderim tells Judah to stop complaining about his five years of slavery on a Roman galley, considering he enjoyed 20 years of riches before it happened; this spoiled rich kid doesn't know what suffering is.
Really? A scolding lecture on white privilege, even in 33 A.D.?
NJ.com's review of Ben-Hur (2016)

"After coming [here] I feel like I learned just a little bit of what it means to be "strong". Sadness and hardships... most of the people here live their lives bearing some kind of burden. So you can't measure your strength based on how much sadness or how many burdens you bear. True strength is in someone who can relieve your sadness and hardships... who can fill in the hole in your heart and support it.
Rokurou Enmadou, Twin Star Exorcists chapter 46

Fiona: Army cot, a hot plate and chamber pot. And every morning I would boil it. No choice I had no toilet.
Shrek: A for effort, thanks for playing. Sad to see a princess suffer, but I had it rougher. Like that time a mob with torches burnt my britches, see the scorches?
Shrek the Musical

Mr. Smarty Smarts: I've had a bad day because of you people!
Two-Legs Joe: "You people"? Don't even THINK of putting me in the same boat as Peri and Entree! They wrecked my Pretzel-ator!
Mr. Smarty Smarts: Oh, boo-hoo! Big rhino no pretzels! THEY ERASED MY HIGH SCORE!
Two-Legs Joe: If that's the worst Peri and Entree have done to you, you've got nothing to complain about!
Mr. Smarty Smarts: The worst!? You listen here-!
[*Moments Later*]
Mr. Smarty Smarts: What about when they shrank my shrink ray? They said I could just shrink myself down to use it, and I was like "With what?!"
Two-Legs Joe: All my drawers, filled with oatmeal and gerbils for two weeks running! What?! You tell me!
Mr. Smarty Smarts: They replaced Octocat's litterbox with a desk fan.
Two-Legs Joe: Played golf on my back when I was sleeping!
Mr. Smarty Smarts: They wore all my clothes mud wrestling!
Two-Legs Joe: Blew up my town fifty times!
(town explodes in the distance, sounds of screaming)
Two-Legs Joe: Fifty-one.
Mr. Smarty Smarts: Touché.

Luther: You know high school is alot like prison; bad food, high fences, sex you want you ain't getting, sex you getting, you don't want. I've seen terrible things...
[atmosphere gets dense]
Dizzy: Yesterday, an 80 year old librarian broke my penis.
Luther: ...You win.


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