Quotes: Cringe Comedy

"And I don't want to fail. I mean, that's a really important point in this story, is that these are good people, and I want to succeed for them, but I just can't, you know. And so I think to myself, 'Why don't I cater my material to this specific event.'
And everyone has been talking about cancer.
[audience groans]
I know. I'm in the future also."
Mike Birbiglia, My Secret Public Journal

"The Brazil-Germany semifinal match. If you have not yet watch this match, you really ought to. Even if you don’t much care for soccer. It’s not because there are a lot of goals. It’s not because it’s literally historic in that it is the biggest win in a World Cup semifinal or final ever or the worst defeat Brazil have ever suffered. Ever.

No, it’s because the game was pretty well over at 30 minutes in and yet there was still 60 minutes to play and that gave the ESPN commentators the chance to make some of the darkest funniest jokes at Brazil’s expense I have ever heard in a World Cup Game. Whether it be asking the players to leave the pitch if they weren’t even going to run around the pitch or talking about magical tunnels that teleported players to Topeka so the players wouldn’t be murdered by fans, the commentators put on an hour comedy special at the expense of the once favored nation to win the World Cup. It was quite honestly the best birthday present I’ve had in a great number of years."
Sadly, No! on the 2014 World Cup

"Shit happens on live TV. Some people “accidentally” drop fuck bombs, some caca themselves, some people’s titty falls out, etc… etc… Well, during a performance on the Univision show “Despierta América,” Patricia Navidad learned that anything can happen on live TV when it looked like her pad made a break for it and free fell from her dress. Bitch sang her maxi pad off, basically. The camera person noticed and made sure to zoom in and get a nice close-up shot of the pad lying on the floor, because that’s what everyone needed to see."