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Fairview
Snake in the Grass
Jones: Kit Partridge, we're placing you under arrest for the sadistic murder of our friend and former colleague Nathan Pandit!
Kit: Me? Commit murder?! <Rank> <Name>, look at me. I wouldn't be able to hurt a fly, let alone kill a man!
Jones: So why did we find fibers from your green hat on the snake wrangling stick you used to bash Nathan unconscious?
Kit: Surely I'm not the only one who wears green around here?
Jones: No, but you were the only one who manipulated an Eastern coral snake into biting Nathan to death!
Kit: What?! I would NEVER mistreat a poor animal in such a way!
Jones: We also found your skin cells all over the remains of the blue rope you used to tie up Nathan. Come on, Partridge, it's time to drop your animal-loving act and show yourself for the slimebag murderer you are!
(Kit facepalms.)
Kit: Fine! I did it - I murdered Nathan Pandit! But that fiend had it coming!
Jones: You claimed to remember him fondly as a former colleague! What on earth could Nathan have done to make you murder him?
Kit: It's more about what that swine DIDN'T do! Back when Nathan and I were working together as coroners, my son was a suspect in a drug bust. Zachary was a good boy, you know? He'd just gotten in with the wrong crowd. So I asked Nathan if he would... doctor the evidence so that dear Zach wouldn't be implicated.
Jones: Wait a second! You asked a fellow police officer to help cover up a crime?!
Kit: It was for my son! But even then that do-gooding coward refused! I begged and I begged but he said it would go against his ethical standards!
Jones: Of course Nathan refused to do it! But why kill him now after all these years?
Kit: I was never able to forgive Nathan for his role in putting my son in prison. And then a decade later, I saw him here, invading zoological refuge! I bided my time, studying Nathan's routine the same way I study my beloved animals' habits! That's how I knew he'd be in early today. And while he was tending to the giraffes, I stole into the terrarium, took the most poisonous snake I could find... ... And I used it to kill Nathan like the treacherous snake in the grass he was!
Jones: Mr Partridge, the only snake here is you! Nathan could've reported you for trying to tamper with evidence, but clearly he thought you deserved another chance... ... And you repaid him with murder! I'm done talking. Kit Partridge, you're under arrest!
Hell is Other PeopleKit: Me? Commit murder?! <Rank> <Name>, look at me. I wouldn't be able to hurt a fly, let alone kill a man!
Jones: So why did we find fibers from your green hat on the snake wrangling stick you used to bash Nathan unconscious?
Kit: Surely I'm not the only one who wears green around here?
Jones: No, but you were the only one who manipulated an Eastern coral snake into biting Nathan to death!
Kit: What?! I would NEVER mistreat a poor animal in such a way!
Jones: We also found your skin cells all over the remains of the blue rope you used to tie up Nathan. Come on, Partridge, it's time to drop your animal-loving act and show yourself for the slimebag murderer you are!
(Kit facepalms.)
Kit: Fine! I did it - I murdered Nathan Pandit! But that fiend had it coming!
Jones: You claimed to remember him fondly as a former colleague! What on earth could Nathan have done to make you murder him?
Kit: It's more about what that swine DIDN'T do! Back when Nathan and I were working together as coroners, my son was a suspect in a drug bust. Zachary was a good boy, you know? He'd just gotten in with the wrong crowd. So I asked Nathan if he would... doctor the evidence so that dear Zach wouldn't be implicated.
Jones: Wait a second! You asked a fellow police officer to help cover up a crime?!
Kit: It was for my son! But even then that do-gooding coward refused! I begged and I begged but he said it would go against his ethical standards!
Jones: Of course Nathan refused to do it! But why kill him now after all these years?
Kit: I was never able to forgive Nathan for his role in putting my son in prison. And then a decade later, I saw him here, invading zoological refuge! I bided my time, studying Nathan's routine the same way I study my beloved animals' habits! That's how I knew he'd be in early today. And while he was tending to the giraffes, I stole into the terrarium, took the most poisonous snake I could find... ... And I used it to kill Nathan like the treacherous snake in the grass he was!
Jones: Mr Partridge, the only snake here is you! Nathan could've reported you for trying to tamper with evidence, but clearly he thought you deserved another chance... ... And you repaid him with murder! I'm done talking. Kit Partridge, you're under arrest!
Gloria: Ms Lane, you're under arrest for the murder of Elaine Seabrook. Were you really that upset by her behavior that you killed her?!
Cynthia: Goodness! How dare you accuse someone like me of murder, <Rank> <Name>?! You won't find a more upstanding member of the community!
Gloria: Right. So upstanding that you left a tire print from your SUV on the victim's jacket, as you raced away from the scene of the murder!
Cynthia: Is that all the evidence you have? Most of Fairview's residents drive an SUV! The pressures of suburban life necessitate a multipurpose vehicle!
Gloria: Yes, and you take the pressure off by gardening, we know. You left traces of your fertilizer on the victim's sunglasses!
Cynthia (sweating): Being green-thumbed doesn't prove I killed Elaine!
Gloria: No, but your green eyes do! You left traces of your DNA on the handkerchief you used to wipe your hands clean of Elaine's blood!
(While sweating, Cynthia brings her hand to her cheek.)
Cynthia: Fine, you got me, <Rank> <Name>. I killed Elaine, but she deserved it!
Gloria: Deserved it? What, all because Elaine got drunk and disrupted your little neighborhood dinner party?! That's insane!
Cynthia: Of course not, that'd be ridiculous! I killed her because she threw up on my prize peonies and killed them!
Gloria: That's... even more insane.
Cynthia: You don't understand! I spend all year tending to my floral babies so that I can participate in Fairview's Best Kept Garden competition! This year was MY year! I was going to win! I NEEDED to win! But Elaine SABOTAGED me! She deserved to die!
Cynthia (crying): You have no idea of the pressure I'm under, <Rank> <Name>! If I'm not perfect, I'm NOTHING!
(Gloria is confused.)
Gloria: Dang, you sure didn't lie about the pressures of suburban life, Ms Lane! You're under arrest!
The Saddest of All KeysCynthia: Goodness! How dare you accuse someone like me of murder, <Rank> <Name>?! You won't find a more upstanding member of the community!
Gloria: Right. So upstanding that you left a tire print from your SUV on the victim's jacket, as you raced away from the scene of the murder!
Cynthia: Is that all the evidence you have? Most of Fairview's residents drive an SUV! The pressures of suburban life necessitate a multipurpose vehicle!
Gloria: Yes, and you take the pressure off by gardening, we know. You left traces of your fertilizer on the victim's sunglasses!
Cynthia (sweating): Being green-thumbed doesn't prove I killed Elaine!
Gloria: No, but your green eyes do! You left traces of your DNA on the handkerchief you used to wipe your hands clean of Elaine's blood!
(While sweating, Cynthia brings her hand to her cheek.)
Cynthia: Fine, you got me, <Rank> <Name>. I killed Elaine, but she deserved it!
Gloria: Deserved it? What, all because Elaine got drunk and disrupted your little neighborhood dinner party?! That's insane!
Cynthia: Of course not, that'd be ridiculous! I killed her because she threw up on my prize peonies and killed them!
Gloria: That's... even more insane.
Cynthia: You don't understand! I spend all year tending to my floral babies so that I can participate in Fairview's Best Kept Garden competition! This year was MY year! I was going to win! I NEEDED to win! But Elaine SABOTAGED me! She deserved to die!
Cynthia (crying): You have no idea of the pressure I'm under, <Rank> <Name>! If I'm not perfect, I'm NOTHING!
(Gloria is confused.)
Gloria: Dang, you sure didn't lie about the pressures of suburban life, Ms Lane! You're under arrest!
Jones: Kevin St Kevin, you are under arrest for the murder of Ian Devine!
Kevin: How could you even think I'd do such a thing? Besides, he was my top star!
Jones: Well, maybe you should cut down on the Gold Stag, Mr St Kevin. You left some on Devine's wrist when you checked his pulse!
Kevin: That could have bee left by someone shaking his hand! Gold Stag is a favorite of everyone on this tour...
Jones: No, I really think it has more to do with your carelessness... you left your Irish Wolfhound shed all over your self-hypnosis CD to beat claustrophobia!
Kevin: Try to stop an Irish Wolfhound from shedding! I dare you! That doesn't make me a killer!
Jones: You really didn't think you'd ever get caught, did you? You thought by breaking the device you used to liquefy Devine's brain, that we wouldn't find you! But you were wrong! <Rank> <Name> found your hair on the protective headphones you wore to protect yourself during the murder! We know it was you!
(Kevin starts to sweat.)
Kevin: Right. Fine. I DID kill Ian Devine! Things haven't been the same since The Henge broke up. I thought a reunion tour would help everyone's finances, including mine. But tickets weren't selling. No one cares about these guys anymore!
Jones: What about the fans, Kevin? Wasn't this tour supposed to be for the fans?
Kevin: Fans... Look, I did the math. The Henge would get more fans if one of the members died. Everyone knows a band's record sales explode after a member of the group dies. At least, for a little while... but that little while would be more than enough!
Jones: So you decided to fill a coffin so you could fill your coffers... Kevin St Kevin, you're under arrest!
Cross My HeartKevin: How could you even think I'd do such a thing? Besides, he was my top star!
Jones: Well, maybe you should cut down on the Gold Stag, Mr St Kevin. You left some on Devine's wrist when you checked his pulse!
Kevin: That could have bee left by someone shaking his hand! Gold Stag is a favorite of everyone on this tour...
Jones: No, I really think it has more to do with your carelessness... you left your Irish Wolfhound shed all over your self-hypnosis CD to beat claustrophobia!
Kevin: Try to stop an Irish Wolfhound from shedding! I dare you! That doesn't make me a killer!
Jones: You really didn't think you'd ever get caught, did you? You thought by breaking the device you used to liquefy Devine's brain, that we wouldn't find you! But you were wrong! <Rank> <Name> found your hair on the protective headphones you wore to protect yourself during the murder! We know it was you!
(Kevin starts to sweat.)
Kevin: Right. Fine. I DID kill Ian Devine! Things haven't been the same since The Henge broke up. I thought a reunion tour would help everyone's finances, including mine. But tickets weren't selling. No one cares about these guys anymore!
Jones: What about the fans, Kevin? Wasn't this tour supposed to be for the fans?
Kevin: Fans... Look, I did the math. The Henge would get more fans if one of the members died. Everyone knows a band's record sales explode after a member of the group dies. At least, for a little while... but that little while would be more than enough!
Jones: So you decided to fill a coffin so you could fill your coffers... Kevin St Kevin, you're under arrest!
Gloria: Ms Lucas, you're under arrest for the murder of Brad Price!
Megan: Is this some kind of joke? I didn't kill Mr Price. He was my client!
Gloria: He was your "heartless client" to whom you sent a bouquet of black roses! Your green smoothie coupon was easy to track down!
Megan: I have no idea what you are talking about! Everyone in Fairview drinks green smoothies!
Gloria: But not everyone is clumsy enough to leave indoor tanning lotion all over the bow they used as a murder weapon!
Megan: Ha! I haven't practiced archery since high school!
Gloria: High school... About the time you started wearing glasses? We found your eyeglass cleaning solution all over the arm guard you used when shooting your arrow! We know you killed Brad, Ms Lucas! Surely, it can't be about the high school bullying!
Megan: You keep saying "bullying" as if it was nothing! But Brad almost KILLED me!
Gloria: Killed you? How? When?
Megan: One night senior year, Brad invited me to a party. I was really excited. I thought he was trying to bury the hatchet. Once I got there, he offered me a drink and then dared me to jump into the neighbor's pool. He told me everyone was going to do it. So I took off my glasses and ran over to the pool, jumping in without any hesitation. I just wanted to be cool like everyone else! But what no one knew was that the pool had been drained a few days earlier! I dropped 6 feet into cold, hard concrete!
Gloria: You jumped into an empty pool? Dear lord...
Megan: That "prank" nearly killed me! I was in the hospital for 6 months and went through years of painful physical therapy! It completely derailed my plans! It ruined my dreams of going to med school and becoming a doctor! And you know what the worst part is? He ended up being my client and didn't even remember me! So I patiently waited to get my revenge. And then decided to strike on Valentine's Day. I figured an arrow through the heart would lead people to think it was all about love. But it wasn't! I HATED him! He ruined my life, but to him it meant nothing! I'll NEVER forgive him for that!
Gloria: Well, I agree you've suffered, Ms Lucas, but <Rank> <Name> cannot overlook the fact that you killed a man! I'm sorry, but you're under arrest for the murder of Brad Price!
Too Cruel for SchoolMegan: Is this some kind of joke? I didn't kill Mr Price. He was my client!
Gloria: He was your "heartless client" to whom you sent a bouquet of black roses! Your green smoothie coupon was easy to track down!
Megan: I have no idea what you are talking about! Everyone in Fairview drinks green smoothies!
Gloria: But not everyone is clumsy enough to leave indoor tanning lotion all over the bow they used as a murder weapon!
Megan: Ha! I haven't practiced archery since high school!
Gloria: High school... About the time you started wearing glasses? We found your eyeglass cleaning solution all over the arm guard you used when shooting your arrow! We know you killed Brad, Ms Lucas! Surely, it can't be about the high school bullying!
Megan: You keep saying "bullying" as if it was nothing! But Brad almost KILLED me!
Gloria: Killed you? How? When?
Megan: One night senior year, Brad invited me to a party. I was really excited. I thought he was trying to bury the hatchet. Once I got there, he offered me a drink and then dared me to jump into the neighbor's pool. He told me everyone was going to do it. So I took off my glasses and ran over to the pool, jumping in without any hesitation. I just wanted to be cool like everyone else! But what no one knew was that the pool had been drained a few days earlier! I dropped 6 feet into cold, hard concrete!
Gloria: You jumped into an empty pool? Dear lord...
Megan: That "prank" nearly killed me! I was in the hospital for 6 months and went through years of painful physical therapy! It completely derailed my plans! It ruined my dreams of going to med school and becoming a doctor! And you know what the worst part is? He ended up being my client and didn't even remember me! So I patiently waited to get my revenge. And then decided to strike on Valentine's Day. I figured an arrow through the heart would lead people to think it was all about love. But it wasn't! I HATED him! He ruined my life, but to him it meant nothing! I'll NEVER forgive him for that!
Gloria: Well, I agree you've suffered, Ms Lucas, but <Rank> <Name> cannot overlook the fact that you killed a man! I'm sorry, but you're under arrest for the murder of Brad Price!
Gloria: Coach Kirk, you're under arrest for Vicky Lopez's murder!
Kirk: Me? Arrested for murder? <Rank> <Name>, I don't have time for parlor games, I have a championship to win in three weeks!
Gloria: We know football's all you care about, Coach. You threatened Vicky with the Grim Badgers' chant!
Kirk: Every self-respecting Fairview student and teacher knows our chant!
Gloria: But it was you who attacked Vicky with acid! You thought throwing away the bottle at the drive-in would cover your tracks, but <Rank> <Name> found it!
Kirk: I don't know enough about science to go near acid! If I wanted to kill someone, I'd do it like an athlete: with my bare hands!
Gloria: Actually, you did it with a computer cable, but that's close enough. We found it, together with the towel you used to wipe off your hands. You've lost this game, Coach!
Kirk: Alright... I'm not smart enough to argue with you, <Rank> <Name>! I admit it: I killed Vicky.
Gloria: But why, Coach? Vicky sure had a bit of an attitude, but that's no reason-
Kirk: Disrupting my team's training was one thing! Making allegations against ME was another!
Gloria: Allegations? What do you mean?
Kirk: Vicky claimed that I... behaved inappropriately with the cheerleaders. She talked a lot of crock about me abusing my authority and whatnot! All that noise just because I checked on the girls in the shower from time to time! A bit of masculine admiration never hurt anyone, I always say!
Gloria: Check on the girls in the... Are you kidding me? You were perving on your students?
Kirk: See? This is exactly the kind of misunderstanding I wanted to avoid when I asked Vicky not to say anything to the principal. I tried sending her threats at first, to keep her quiet... but she kept nattering on about "harassment"! She said she'd get me fired! Today, I cornered her in the classroom. I only wanted to talk! But I got angry, and... I grabbed a bottle and threw the contents in her face! When I saw what the acid did, I panicked. I'd disfigured a girl for life, and she'd have testified against me! So I... I strangled her with that cable. I knew Vicky was trouble the first time I saw her, and I was right! She ruined my life!
Gloria: Your life? What about Vicky's life? You killed a student for daring to stand up to your disgusting harassment of her classmates! You're under arrest!
Hear My CryKirk: Me? Arrested for murder? <Rank> <Name>, I don't have time for parlor games, I have a championship to win in three weeks!
Gloria: We know football's all you care about, Coach. You threatened Vicky with the Grim Badgers' chant!
Kirk: Every self-respecting Fairview student and teacher knows our chant!
Gloria: But it was you who attacked Vicky with acid! You thought throwing away the bottle at the drive-in would cover your tracks, but <Rank> <Name> found it!
Kirk: I don't know enough about science to go near acid! If I wanted to kill someone, I'd do it like an athlete: with my bare hands!
Gloria: Actually, you did it with a computer cable, but that's close enough. We found it, together with the towel you used to wipe off your hands. You've lost this game, Coach!
Kirk: Alright... I'm not smart enough to argue with you, <Rank> <Name>! I admit it: I killed Vicky.
Gloria: But why, Coach? Vicky sure had a bit of an attitude, but that's no reason-
Kirk: Disrupting my team's training was one thing! Making allegations against ME was another!
Gloria: Allegations? What do you mean?
Kirk: Vicky claimed that I... behaved inappropriately with the cheerleaders. She talked a lot of crock about me abusing my authority and whatnot! All that noise just because I checked on the girls in the shower from time to time! A bit of masculine admiration never hurt anyone, I always say!
Gloria: Check on the girls in the... Are you kidding me? You were perving on your students?
Kirk: See? This is exactly the kind of misunderstanding I wanted to avoid when I asked Vicky not to say anything to the principal. I tried sending her threats at first, to keep her quiet... but she kept nattering on about "harassment"! She said she'd get me fired! Today, I cornered her in the classroom. I only wanted to talk! But I got angry, and... I grabbed a bottle and threw the contents in her face! When I saw what the acid did, I panicked. I'd disfigured a girl for life, and she'd have testified against me! So I... I strangled her with that cable. I knew Vicky was trouble the first time I saw her, and I was right! She ruined my life!
Gloria: Your life? What about Vicky's life? You killed a student for daring to stand up to your disgusting harassment of her classmates! You're under arrest!
Jones: Principal Wilcox, you're under arrest for the murder of Edward Ramis! I can't believe you're the Rocket Cow Killer! How could you do such a thing?!
Rosamund: <Rank> <Name>, you think I'm a serial killer?! You're crazy!
Jones: Killing Edward Ramis was where you finally made a mistake! You left meatloaf on his clothes!
Rosamund: Why would I kill a man I'd once dated?! And meatloaf is a comfort food! Fairview families are in need of comfort right now!
Jones: What about the glass you used to poison Mr Ramis? We found flakes of enamel in it... from YOUR school pin!
Rosamund: I'm the principal of a high school! You think I've got time to sneak around poisoning people's drinks?
Jones: Well, I assume that's why you made your serial killer hideout so close - in the woods behind the school!
Rosamund: Fine! But I HAD to do it, <Rank> <Name>! Those parents were EVIL! And I know a thing or two about evil parents! You have no idea what my parents did to me! The abuse I suffered at their hands!
Jones: We agree that no child should ever suffer! But what on earth made you decide these parents had to die?!
Rosamund: I became a principal to right the wrong my parents had done to me. NOTHING was going to happen to these kids under my watch! But I started seeing so many parents yelling at their kids, day after day! Those parents... they were malicious! They were manipulative! They were... evil!
Jones: So your KILLED them?! You really thought that was the way to solve the problem?
Rosamund: It's the ONLY way! Don't you think I tried talking to Edward about the way he was treating his son?! He never LISTENED!
Jones: And so you decided to kill him. But how did you drag his body to the woods?
Rosamund: I didn't have to drag him anywhere. He came of his own will, thinking I wanted to rekindle our relationship. I offered a toast... He was already dead when I saw your partner abusing her son! And I knew it was a trap, but I... I couldn't help myself. I couldn't let her get away with it! I followed her to the drive-in, knocked her out. Then I drove her to the woods. I intended to kill her, but I saw her tracking device... I knew I had to get away.
Jones: Well, Gloria will enjoy sitting with us to watch you stand trial! Ms Wilcox, you're under arrest!
Rosamund: <Rank> <Name>, you think I'm a serial killer?! You're crazy!
Jones: Killing Edward Ramis was where you finally made a mistake! You left meatloaf on his clothes!
Rosamund: Why would I kill a man I'd once dated?! And meatloaf is a comfort food! Fairview families are in need of comfort right now!
Jones: What about the glass you used to poison Mr Ramis? We found flakes of enamel in it... from YOUR school pin!
Rosamund: I'm the principal of a high school! You think I've got time to sneak around poisoning people's drinks?
Jones: Well, I assume that's why you made your serial killer hideout so close - in the woods behind the school!
Rosamund: Fine! But I HAD to do it, <Rank> <Name>! Those parents were EVIL! And I know a thing or two about evil parents! You have no idea what my parents did to me! The abuse I suffered at their hands!
Jones: We agree that no child should ever suffer! But what on earth made you decide these parents had to die?!
Rosamund: I became a principal to right the wrong my parents had done to me. NOTHING was going to happen to these kids under my watch! But I started seeing so many parents yelling at their kids, day after day! Those parents... they were malicious! They were manipulative! They were... evil!
Jones: So your KILLED them?! You really thought that was the way to solve the problem?
Rosamund: It's the ONLY way! Don't you think I tried talking to Edward about the way he was treating his son?! He never LISTENED!
Jones: And so you decided to kill him. But how did you drag his body to the woods?
Rosamund: I didn't have to drag him anywhere. He came of his own will, thinking I wanted to rekindle our relationship. I offered a toast... He was already dead when I saw your partner abusing her son! And I knew it was a trap, but I... I couldn't help myself. I couldn't let her get away with it! I followed her to the drive-in, knocked her out. Then I drove her to the woods. I intended to kill her, but I saw her tracking device... I knew I had to get away.
Jones: Well, Gloria will enjoy sitting with us to watch you stand trial! Ms Wilcox, you're under arrest!
Money Mile
Flatline
Gloria: Richard Harding, you're under arrest for the murder of Dr Greg Gibbs!
Richard: Me, kill the doctor? I'm just a handyman trying to earn a living!
Gloria: You can't deny you were angry with the victim. We know you sent him a threatening message on FilterPix!
Richard: FilterPix? Millions of people use that!
Gloria: But you're the only one of them who was at the crime scene. You left a liquid stain from your electronic cigarette on the victim's tie!
Richard: You think I have time to wander around the city taking cigarette breaks? I've been swamped with work because of this earthquake!
Gloria: We know you went to Walton Square! You dropped the blood-stained knife carved with your initials into a pile of rubble! Did you really murder Dr Gibbs because he informed your wife of your HIV treatment?
Richard: No! I killed him because he was the one who gave me the virus in the first place!
Gloria: He... gave you the virus? How exactly do you mean?
Richard: That scum used a dirty needle when he did my blood tests! I never would've known about it, except soon after I was working on the pipes in his office, climbing around in the walls. I overheard him dictating his personal log, that he was worried he'd given me HIV by mistake! When I confronted Gibbs, he denied everything, saying there was no proof! Then he tried to buy me off, saying he'd treat me for free! Like that would make up for infecting me and ruining my life! I'm HIV positive now, and my wife's left me! And all of that is his fault!
Gloria: That's just awful, Mr Harding. But you had to know that killing Dr Gibbs wouldn't undo any of the damage.
Richard: At least I'd get my revenge! So when the earthquake struck, I knew it was time! I thought the body would get lost in the rubble!
Gloria: I'm afraid you've left us no choice, Mr Harding. You're under arrest for the murder of Dr Gibbs!
StonewalledRichard: Me, kill the doctor? I'm just a handyman trying to earn a living!
Gloria: You can't deny you were angry with the victim. We know you sent him a threatening message on FilterPix!
Richard: FilterPix? Millions of people use that!
Gloria: But you're the only one of them who was at the crime scene. You left a liquid stain from your electronic cigarette on the victim's tie!
Richard: You think I have time to wander around the city taking cigarette breaks? I've been swamped with work because of this earthquake!
Gloria: We know you went to Walton Square! You dropped the blood-stained knife carved with your initials into a pile of rubble! Did you really murder Dr Gibbs because he informed your wife of your HIV treatment?
Richard: No! I killed him because he was the one who gave me the virus in the first place!
Gloria: He... gave you the virus? How exactly do you mean?
Richard: That scum used a dirty needle when he did my blood tests! I never would've known about it, except soon after I was working on the pipes in his office, climbing around in the walls. I overheard him dictating his personal log, that he was worried he'd given me HIV by mistake! When I confronted Gibbs, he denied everything, saying there was no proof! Then he tried to buy me off, saying he'd treat me for free! Like that would make up for infecting me and ruining my life! I'm HIV positive now, and my wife's left me! And all of that is his fault!
Gloria: That's just awful, Mr Harding. But you had to know that killing Dr Gibbs wouldn't undo any of the damage.
Richard: At least I'd get my revenge! So when the earthquake struck, I knew it was time! I thought the body would get lost in the rubble!
Gloria: I'm afraid you've left us no choice, Mr Harding. You're under arrest for the murder of Dr Gibbs!
Guadalupe: Is this gonna take long, babes? I've got to get Plopsie ready for our party tonight!
Jones (presenting his badge): Your partying days are over, Guadalupe del Prado - you're under arrest for the murder of Stella Ziarati!
Guadalupe: Oh, very funny, <Rank> <Name>! Am I being punked? Did one of my entourage put you up to this?
Jones: This is no joke, Lulu! We found traces of your Bendrick's gin on the victim's clothes!
Guadalupe: Oh babes, Bendrick's gin is almost as popular as me - everyone loves it!
Jones: Then please explain how your blood ended up on the almost-empty sack of cement you used to wall up the victim and hide your terrible crime?
Guadalupe: Ugh! Do you really think I'd risk ruining my manicure by even touching a bag of cement? Gross!
Jones: Manicure, eh? Is that why we found cuticle oil on the statue you used to bash Miss Ziarati's head in? Lulu, your nails may be tough but your defense isn't! It's time to stop the airhead act and admit you murdered Stella!
Guadalupe (sweating): Babes... I... I mean...
Guadalupe: Alright, fine! I did it! I killed Stella!
Jones: What the heck made you kill your best friend?
Guadalupe: My best friend?! No best friend would try to prosecute my family the way Stella wanted to!
Jones: What are you talking about?
Guadalupe: Ha! You really don't think I killed Stella, just to spill the beans four years later? I won't tell you anything!
Jones: Well, whatever it was, you needed to be pretty cold-blooded to wall up your friend's dead body!
Guadalupe: What can I say... We del Prados are always ready to get our hands dirty when we need to! But, the funniest thing is that Stella was the one who invited me into her penthouse to help her redecorate! I waited till Stella was busy vacuuming, grabbed that silly law award she was so proud of, and hit her over the head with it until she stopped moving! I spent the rest of the afternoon building that wall around her dead body!
Jones: You seem a little too happily nostalgic about your evil actions for my liking, Lulu! You're under arrest!
Guadalupe: Stupid earthquake! We really thought we'd gotten away with it, didn't we, Plopsie?
Shooting StarJones (presenting his badge): Your partying days are over, Guadalupe del Prado - you're under arrest for the murder of Stella Ziarati!
Guadalupe: Oh, very funny, <Rank> <Name>! Am I being punked? Did one of my entourage put you up to this?
Jones: This is no joke, Lulu! We found traces of your Bendrick's gin on the victim's clothes!
Guadalupe: Oh babes, Bendrick's gin is almost as popular as me - everyone loves it!
Jones: Then please explain how your blood ended up on the almost-empty sack of cement you used to wall up the victim and hide your terrible crime?
Guadalupe: Ugh! Do you really think I'd risk ruining my manicure by even touching a bag of cement? Gross!
Jones: Manicure, eh? Is that why we found cuticle oil on the statue you used to bash Miss Ziarati's head in? Lulu, your nails may be tough but your defense isn't! It's time to stop the airhead act and admit you murdered Stella!
Guadalupe (sweating): Babes... I... I mean...
Guadalupe: Alright, fine! I did it! I killed Stella!
Jones: What the heck made you kill your best friend?
Guadalupe: My best friend?! No best friend would try to prosecute my family the way Stella wanted to!
Jones: What are you talking about?
Guadalupe: Ha! You really don't think I killed Stella, just to spill the beans four years later? I won't tell you anything!
Jones: Well, whatever it was, you needed to be pretty cold-blooded to wall up your friend's dead body!
Guadalupe: What can I say... We del Prados are always ready to get our hands dirty when we need to! But, the funniest thing is that Stella was the one who invited me into her penthouse to help her redecorate! I waited till Stella was busy vacuuming, grabbed that silly law award she was so proud of, and hit her over the head with it until she stopped moving! I spent the rest of the afternoon building that wall around her dead body!
Jones: You seem a little too happily nostalgic about your evil actions for my liking, Lulu! You're under arrest!
Guadalupe: Stupid earthquake! We really thought we'd gotten away with it, didn't we, Plopsie?
Gloria: Yoshinobu Akagi, you're under arrest for the murder of Ronald Rooney!
Yoshinobu: What?! You think I would murder my old friend? You're crazy!
Gloria: Well, we're not the ones who left teeth whitener on the box that held the bullets used to kill Mr Rooney!
Yoshinobu: Please, whitening your teeth is a common thing nowadays, and not just for fancy rich people. Besides, why would I go near a box of bullets?
Gloria: Probably so that you could load the Big Bauer that killed Rooney! Only you left green fibers off your clothes in the magazine!
Yoshinobu: Again, I am not the only person who wears green in Grimsborough...
Gloria: No, but you also left your skin cells on the handkerchief you used to remove the gunpowder from your hands! The game's over, Mr Akagi!
(Yoshinobu starts sweating.)
Yoshinobu: Alright, <Rank> <Name>... You got me. I did kill Ronald!
Yoshinobu (crying): I killed the only person I ever loved! That's the truth!
Gloria: Loved? As in... you were romantically involved with Mr Rooney?
Yoshinobu: Yes! We'd been together on and off since university! Long years full of hiding, secrecy, and Ronald refusing to come out of the closet! I tried to be patient and not pressure him, <Rank> <Name>, but how long was I supposed to wait? I just wanted him to admit that we were together! But when I asked him to take me to the premiere as his date, he exploded! He suddenly turned all his anger, all his frustration against ME!
Gloria: So Rooney was torn between love and fame... is that why he became so volatile that he trashed your restaurant?
Yoshinobu: My restaurant, and my heart! He said that if I couldn't understand his need to be in the limelight, it was over between us! <Rank> <Name>, I never felt so betrayed, angry and distraught! Ronald ruined my life, so I decided to ruin his! I went to the premiere with a gun hidden under my vest... I wasn't sure I'd have the strength to pull the trigger, but when I saw him smiling at the crowd, I lost it! I then threw the gun away and escaped in the ensuing chaos.
Yoshinobu (crying): I killed the man of my dreams! Now Ronald will never smile at ME again!
Gloria: Indeed not. Mr Akagi, we've got no choice but to put you under arrest.
The Bloom of DoomYoshinobu: What?! You think I would murder my old friend? You're crazy!
Gloria: Well, we're not the ones who left teeth whitener on the box that held the bullets used to kill Mr Rooney!
Yoshinobu: Please, whitening your teeth is a common thing nowadays, and not just for fancy rich people. Besides, why would I go near a box of bullets?
Gloria: Probably so that you could load the Big Bauer that killed Rooney! Only you left green fibers off your clothes in the magazine!
Yoshinobu: Again, I am not the only person who wears green in Grimsborough...
Gloria: No, but you also left your skin cells on the handkerchief you used to remove the gunpowder from your hands! The game's over, Mr Akagi!
(Yoshinobu starts sweating.)
Yoshinobu: Alright, <Rank> <Name>... You got me. I did kill Ronald!
Yoshinobu (crying): I killed the only person I ever loved! That's the truth!
Gloria: Loved? As in... you were romantically involved with Mr Rooney?
Yoshinobu: Yes! We'd been together on and off since university! Long years full of hiding, secrecy, and Ronald refusing to come out of the closet! I tried to be patient and not pressure him, <Rank> <Name>, but how long was I supposed to wait? I just wanted him to admit that we were together! But when I asked him to take me to the premiere as his date, he exploded! He suddenly turned all his anger, all his frustration against ME!
Gloria: So Rooney was torn between love and fame... is that why he became so volatile that he trashed your restaurant?
Yoshinobu: My restaurant, and my heart! He said that if I couldn't understand his need to be in the limelight, it was over between us! <Rank> <Name>, I never felt so betrayed, angry and distraught! Ronald ruined my life, so I decided to ruin his! I went to the premiere with a gun hidden under my vest... I wasn't sure I'd have the strength to pull the trigger, but when I saw him smiling at the crowd, I lost it! I then threw the gun away and escaped in the ensuing chaos.
Yoshinobu (crying): I killed the man of my dreams! Now Ronald will never smile at ME again!
Gloria: Indeed not. Mr Akagi, we've got no choice but to put you under arrest.
Jones: Mr Rubio, you're under arrest for the murder of Valereea Valz!
Sean: What?! I would never have harmed her!
Jones: The evidence says otherwise. You left some of your beard oil on the pedestal where the murder weapon was.
Sean: I work here! Maybe I left it on the statue when I moved it!
Jones: Yes, you work here, which is why you knew exactly where the security camera was... ... And why you hid your face with a kerchief when you killed Valereea! You left cat hair all over it!
Sean (sweating): You're just fishing here! You don't really know who killed her and now you're trying to trick me into admitting something! Well, it won't work!
Jones: We don't need you to admit to anything, Rubio. We have security footage that shows you picking up your glasses when they fell!
Sean: ......... Fine. I killed Valereea... and she would have been so disappointed that I was so sloppy that I got caught. Even though the look of surprise in her face when I struck her was confusing to me, to be honest...
Jones: You thought she should have expected you to kill her?!
Sean: Well, yes, she was the one who told me that art was a cutthroat business. She told me that a person had to take what they wanted! So I did!
Jones: And what could you possibly want that was worth killing for?!
Sean: I really wanted her gallery, and now I have it! She always said a person should have ambitions! I took her abuse year after year so that I could learn everything I needed to know to run a gallery of my own. Since she never even entertained the possibility of taking me on as a partner, I did what I had to do. And it's what she would have done, too.
Jones: You clearly need help, Mr Rubio. Maybe the prison has an art therapy program. You're under arrest!
Hot MessSean: What?! I would never have harmed her!
Jones: The evidence says otherwise. You left some of your beard oil on the pedestal where the murder weapon was.
Sean: I work here! Maybe I left it on the statue when I moved it!
Jones: Yes, you work here, which is why you knew exactly where the security camera was... ... And why you hid your face with a kerchief when you killed Valereea! You left cat hair all over it!
Sean (sweating): You're just fishing here! You don't really know who killed her and now you're trying to trick me into admitting something! Well, it won't work!
Jones: We don't need you to admit to anything, Rubio. We have security footage that shows you picking up your glasses when they fell!
Sean: ......... Fine. I killed Valereea... and she would have been so disappointed that I was so sloppy that I got caught. Even though the look of surprise in her face when I struck her was confusing to me, to be honest...
Jones: You thought she should have expected you to kill her?!
Sean: Well, yes, she was the one who told me that art was a cutthroat business. She told me that a person had to take what they wanted! So I did!
Jones: And what could you possibly want that was worth killing for?!
Sean: I really wanted her gallery, and now I have it! She always said a person should have ambitions! I took her abuse year after year so that I could learn everything I needed to know to run a gallery of my own. Since she never even entertained the possibility of taking me on as a partner, I did what I had to do. And it's what she would have done, too.
Jones: You clearly need help, Mr Rubio. Maybe the prison has an art therapy program. You're under arrest!
Jones: Nicolette Butler, you're under arrest for the murder of Voodoo Vince!
Nicolette: The murder of Voodoo Vince? Oh <Rank> <Name>, don't make me laugh! It's too painful with my Protox injections!
Jones: And the Botulinum toxin used in those injections was used to poison Vince!
Nicolette: This is Money Mile, everyone uses Protox! It's only natural that people want to look good!
Jones: Well, you made a mistake in writing the poison dosage near your tango step instructions!
Nicolette: Tango is sensual and so am I! You have no proof I did any of these things!
Jones: Actually, we do. We found your DNA on the Pink Thong glass you toasted Vince with before you slipped poison into his drink!
Nicolette: So I guess you have it all figured out, <Rank> <Name>! Think you're very clever? Fine, I did kill Vince! But he had it coming!
Jones: You killed Vince because he rejected your advances!
Nicolette: Oh, don't be silly! Vince was just one man! I can take his refusal, although I don't understand it. But Vince didn't just scorn me! He went and told all the other boys to do the same! None of them would serve me anymore!
Jones: That's still hardly a reason for murder! But okay... why did Vince do that?
Nicolette: He claimed I was a "dangerous stalker"! He said that about me! About the mama! He told them I pried into his personal life too much and was too handy with him... but why are the goods on display if I can't touch them? I paid the money, didn't I? Mama gave the sugar! The boys were mine to do with as I pleased! And Vince dared turn them against me!
Jones: You... they're humans, not things! You don't own them, no matter how much money you spent at the club! Nicolette Butler, you're under arrest!
The Art of MurderNicolette: The murder of Voodoo Vince? Oh <Rank> <Name>, don't make me laugh! It's too painful with my Protox injections!
Jones: And the Botulinum toxin used in those injections was used to poison Vince!
Nicolette: This is Money Mile, everyone uses Protox! It's only natural that people want to look good!
Jones: Well, you made a mistake in writing the poison dosage near your tango step instructions!
Nicolette: Tango is sensual and so am I! You have no proof I did any of these things!
Jones: Actually, we do. We found your DNA on the Pink Thong glass you toasted Vince with before you slipped poison into his drink!
Nicolette: So I guess you have it all figured out, <Rank> <Name>! Think you're very clever? Fine, I did kill Vince! But he had it coming!
Jones: You killed Vince because he rejected your advances!
Nicolette: Oh, don't be silly! Vince was just one man! I can take his refusal, although I don't understand it. But Vince didn't just scorn me! He went and told all the other boys to do the same! None of them would serve me anymore!
Jones: That's still hardly a reason for murder! But okay... why did Vince do that?
Nicolette: He claimed I was a "dangerous stalker"! He said that about me! About the mama! He told them I pried into his personal life too much and was too handy with him... but why are the goods on display if I can't touch them? I paid the money, didn't I? Mama gave the sugar! The boys were mine to do with as I pleased! And Vince dared turn them against me!
Jones: You... they're humans, not things! You don't own them, no matter how much money you spent at the club! Nicolette Butler, you're under arrest!
Gloria (presenting her badge): Mr Bateman, you're under arrest for the murder of Meera Kat!
Christian: <Rank> <Name>, you keep going on about this Meera chick like I should know everything about her. I already told you: you're mistaken.
Gloria: Yes, you told us you barely remembered Meera's name. But you can't hide behind your arrogance anymore. We know that you lied.
Christian: Me, lying? <Rank> <Name>, I'm actually more honest than most people: I don't pretend to care about them when I don't.
Gloria: Then what you made you push Meera into the lava, and wish that she'd burn in hell? You left traces of your medication behind when you scratched that car door, you know.
Christian: So I'm a killer because I take antidepressants? You could arrest almost everyone in Money Mile then, <Rank> <Name>. I told you, it's a high-pressure environment.
Gloria: Yeah, it's clear what chasing money and status has done to your personality, Bateman. You're a deeply troubled man whose only release is thinking about torture! But what you did to Meera was more than fantasy! We found the wrench you used to knock her out, and the key to the cage! What made you do it, Bateman? Did you even have a reason?
Christian (ruffling his hair): Of course I had a reason! I'm not crazy! I'm a perfectly rational man! I just couldn't take it anymore!
(Christian starts sweating.)
Christian (sweating): Alright, <Rank> <Name>, you win! Yes, I killed Meera! I killed her because she destroyed me! She destroyed the last part of me that could still FEEL things!
Christian (blushing): I didn't lie to you about that publicity stunt. Going to the premiere with her was business. I didn't plan on falling in love with her.
Gloria: You fell in love with Meera? Forgive me, but that's... hard to believe.
Christian: I didn't expect it either. But during that night, I realized Meera and I were two of a kind. Ambitious, talented, a cut above the rest. I so seldom meet people who are my equals, <Rank> <Name>. It caught me off guard. It stirred up something in me that I'd thought was dead. But when I told Meera... she mocked me! Maybe she wasn't ready to admit that she too was vulnerable. Or maybe she was truly as numb inside as she pretended to be. I'll never know. But for me, there was no going back. There was nothing to hold back all that anger anymore. Tonight, I went to see her set up the stage for her performance... I already had that wrench in my pocket, I was determined to end her life and my pain. That cage over the lava pit seemed like the perfect metaphor for what I felt: trapped in a destructive passion. Meera truly was talented. When she turned back, I knocked her out and locked her in the cage. I waited impatiently for her to wake up. And when she did... I lowered the cage. Hearing her screams made me delirious with pleasure! It was ecstasy! Her fury and her pain, mixing with mine! I screamed with her, I didn't want it to end!
(Gloria is grossed out.)
Gloria: Mr Bateman, you sicken me. I just hope the Court will know what to do with you. You're under arrest!
Christian: <Rank> <Name>, you keep going on about this Meera chick like I should know everything about her. I already told you: you're mistaken.
Gloria: Yes, you told us you barely remembered Meera's name. But you can't hide behind your arrogance anymore. We know that you lied.
Christian: Me, lying? <Rank> <Name>, I'm actually more honest than most people: I don't pretend to care about them when I don't.
Gloria: Then what you made you push Meera into the lava, and wish that she'd burn in hell? You left traces of your medication behind when you scratched that car door, you know.
Christian: So I'm a killer because I take antidepressants? You could arrest almost everyone in Money Mile then, <Rank> <Name>. I told you, it's a high-pressure environment.
Gloria: Yeah, it's clear what chasing money and status has done to your personality, Bateman. You're a deeply troubled man whose only release is thinking about torture! But what you did to Meera was more than fantasy! We found the wrench you used to knock her out, and the key to the cage! What made you do it, Bateman? Did you even have a reason?
Christian (ruffling his hair): Of course I had a reason! I'm not crazy! I'm a perfectly rational man! I just couldn't take it anymore!
(Christian starts sweating.)
Christian (sweating): Alright, <Rank> <Name>, you win! Yes, I killed Meera! I killed her because she destroyed me! She destroyed the last part of me that could still FEEL things!
Christian (blushing): I didn't lie to you about that publicity stunt. Going to the premiere with her was business. I didn't plan on falling in love with her.
Gloria: You fell in love with Meera? Forgive me, but that's... hard to believe.
Christian: I didn't expect it either. But during that night, I realized Meera and I were two of a kind. Ambitious, talented, a cut above the rest. I so seldom meet people who are my equals, <Rank> <Name>. It caught me off guard. It stirred up something in me that I'd thought was dead. But when I told Meera... she mocked me! Maybe she wasn't ready to admit that she too was vulnerable. Or maybe she was truly as numb inside as she pretended to be. I'll never know. But for me, there was no going back. There was nothing to hold back all that anger anymore. Tonight, I went to see her set up the stage for her performance... I already had that wrench in my pocket, I was determined to end her life and my pain. That cage over the lava pit seemed like the perfect metaphor for what I felt: trapped in a destructive passion. Meera truly was talented. When she turned back, I knocked her out and locked her in the cage. I waited impatiently for her to wake up. And when she did... I lowered the cage. Hearing her screams made me delirious with pleasure! It was ecstasy! Her fury and her pain, mixing with mine! I screamed with her, I didn't want it to end!
(Gloria is grossed out.)
Gloria: Mr Bateman, you sicken me. I just hope the Court will know what to do with you. You're under arrest!
The Greens
Gone Pear-Shaped
Gloria: Waldo Gigs, you're under arrest for your father's murder! You killed your own father with a poisoned pear! Why?
Waldo: What are you talking about? Clearly the reference was to the logo of his company. It was probably an angry customer! Believe me, he had plenty!
Gloria: Well, we also found the bottle of poison you used, and your rash cream was all over it!
Waldo: Just because the killer has a rash doesn't mean it's me!
Gloria: That may be true, but we found your chia seed residue on the syringe you used to administer the poison.
Waldo: You think I'm the only person in The Greens to eat chia seeds? That's a laugh riot! They're all the rage here!
Gloria: Give it up, Waldo! We know you called your dad a "tyrant" who had to "meet his maker"! The only question is, why?
Waldo: Because that's the truth! He was a tyrant! He deserved to die!
(Waldo facepalms.)
Gloria: But you were the one who told us that your father was absent more than anything! That he left you alone to do what you wanted!
Waldo: He did! Until I dropped out of college, and dad decided I needed to get a "real job"! He didn't care what my interests were! He was going to make me work for iPear! He said that being his son meant I had to take over his legacy! Suddenly, all that freedom I had was GONE! I sat through hours and hours of iPear training. I felt like an animal in a cage! "Dearest dad" spent years throwing money at me and calling it parenting, and suddenly he turns around and wants to control every part of my life! Well, he can't cage my spirit like that! I had to break free!
Gloria: So you thought you could kill him to get your inheritance and do whatever you want?
Waldo: You don't get it! I don't want his money! I wanted my freedom!
Gloria: Well, murder is no way to get freedom, since now you're going to prison! Waldo Gigs, you're under arrest!
Byte the DustWaldo: What are you talking about? Clearly the reference was to the logo of his company. It was probably an angry customer! Believe me, he had plenty!
Gloria: Well, we also found the bottle of poison you used, and your rash cream was all over it!
Waldo: Just because the killer has a rash doesn't mean it's me!
Gloria: That may be true, but we found your chia seed residue on the syringe you used to administer the poison.
Waldo: You think I'm the only person in The Greens to eat chia seeds? That's a laugh riot! They're all the rage here!
Gloria: Give it up, Waldo! We know you called your dad a "tyrant" who had to "meet his maker"! The only question is, why?
Waldo: Because that's the truth! He was a tyrant! He deserved to die!
(Waldo facepalms.)
Gloria: But you were the one who told us that your father was absent more than anything! That he left you alone to do what you wanted!
Waldo: He did! Until I dropped out of college, and dad decided I needed to get a "real job"! He didn't care what my interests were! He was going to make me work for iPear! He said that being his son meant I had to take over his legacy! Suddenly, all that freedom I had was GONE! I sat through hours and hours of iPear training. I felt like an animal in a cage! "Dearest dad" spent years throwing money at me and calling it parenting, and suddenly he turns around and wants to control every part of my life! Well, he can't cage my spirit like that! I had to break free!
Gloria: So you thought you could kill him to get your inheritance and do whatever you want?
Waldo: You don't get it! I don't want his money! I wanted my freedom!
Gloria: Well, murder is no way to get freedom, since now you're going to prison! Waldo Gigs, you're under arrest!
Jones: Joy Schneider, you're under arrest for your boyfriend's murder!
Joy: What?! Why would I murder my dear Ash?! I might've been angry with him, but I wouldn't kill him!
Jones: Then how come we found traces of your turmeric spiced latte on his shirt?
Joy: Even if that was mine, I could've spilled that on Ash any time. I did live with him, you know!
Jones: But that doesn't explain how Ash's blood was on those tickets you won, or on your suspender clasp that we found at the arcade!
Joy: It wasn't me, I swear! It was Cassidy, he's the guilty one! Or that hoodlum, Big Baby!
Jones: The game is up, Miss Schneider! Your sleeping medication was on the murder weapon, the razor you slashed your boyfriend with!
Joy (sweating): I... no, I...
(Joy facepalms.)
Joy: Fine, I admit it! I did murder Ash! But he deserved it... that lowlife was cheating on me!
Jones: Cheating on you?
Joy: Yes! At first it was just mysterious phone calls. But before long, he was texting the young floozy all the time! So one day I followed him to the arcade, when he was there "promoting" his game. But he was really meeting his mistress. She works there!
Jones: Ash's mistress works at the arcade? Wait a minute... you think Ash was having an affair with Kaitlyn Flynn?!
Joy: Kaitlyn, that's the one! That harlot!
Jones: Ash wasn't in a relationship with Kaitlyn... she's his daughter!
Joy: What?! His daughter?! But... but... Ash never said anything about having a child. This... this isn't possible!
Jones: I'm afraid it is, Miss Schneider. Kaitlyn Flynn wasn't Ash's mistress, she was the daughter he'd abandoned long ago.
(Joy is shocked.)
Joy: Oh my God, Ash! Why didn't you tell me? What have I done?!
Jones: What you've done is land yourself in a world of trouble, Miss Schneider. You're under arrest for murder!
Murder on the Dance FloorJoy: What?! Why would I murder my dear Ash?! I might've been angry with him, but I wouldn't kill him!
Jones: Then how come we found traces of your turmeric spiced latte on his shirt?
Joy: Even if that was mine, I could've spilled that on Ash any time. I did live with him, you know!
Jones: But that doesn't explain how Ash's blood was on those tickets you won, or on your suspender clasp that we found at the arcade!
Joy: It wasn't me, I swear! It was Cassidy, he's the guilty one! Or that hoodlum, Big Baby!
Jones: The game is up, Miss Schneider! Your sleeping medication was on the murder weapon, the razor you slashed your boyfriend with!
Joy (sweating): I... no, I...
(Joy facepalms.)
Joy: Fine, I admit it! I did murder Ash! But he deserved it... that lowlife was cheating on me!
Jones: Cheating on you?
Joy: Yes! At first it was just mysterious phone calls. But before long, he was texting the young floozy all the time! So one day I followed him to the arcade, when he was there "promoting" his game. But he was really meeting his mistress. She works there!
Jones: Ash's mistress works at the arcade? Wait a minute... you think Ash was having an affair with Kaitlyn Flynn?!
Joy: Kaitlyn, that's the one! That harlot!
Jones: Ash wasn't in a relationship with Kaitlyn... she's his daughter!
Joy: What?! His daughter?! But... but... Ash never said anything about having a child. This... this isn't possible!
Jones: I'm afraid it is, Miss Schneider. Kaitlyn Flynn wasn't Ash's mistress, she was the daughter he'd abandoned long ago.
(Joy is shocked.)
Joy: Oh my God, Ash! Why didn't you tell me? What have I done?!
Jones: What you've done is land yourself in a world of trouble, Miss Schneider. You're under arrest for murder!
Jones: Robyn Ash, you're under arrest for the murder of Kalua Kaboom!
Robyn: OMG! Why d'you need to throw shade on me like that? I've done nothing wrong!
Jones: Maybe you should think about kicking your drug habit, because we found your Scrappy Snacks all over the necklace you ripped off DJ Kaboom!
Robyn: And maybe YOU'D be less salty if you took some Scrappy Snacks yourself!
Jones: What about the electroshock gun you used to electrocute the victim, which we found covered in YOUR nail polish?
Robyn: Are you totes kidding me? Like I'm the only person in The Greens with painted nails!
Jones: Enough of your lip, Miss Ash! We found the photo you took of your murderous handiwork and the camera you used. Your game is up, so confess! Why'd you kill Kalua Kaboom?
(Robyn facepalms.)
Robyn: I killed her for revenge - why else?! Remember when I told you Kaboom gave one of my squad a seizure? Well, it wasn't just anyone - it was my sister! My lil' sis suffered from epilepsy, and flashing lights were a no-no for her brain. I told Kalua this and she promised not to use strobe lighting. But she lied! And the crazy lights and techno beats were too much for my poor, fragile Piper. She died from the seizure!
Jones: DJ Kaboom's music show killed your sister?!
Robyn: Yes, but it was ruled an accident, and I didn't have the dollar to go after her powerful lawyer squad, so Kalua got away with it!
Jones: So you decided to murder her instead?
Robyn: I had no choice! The rage was eating me alive! So I planned my attack... I knew Kalua'd be on her own rehearsing in the morning, so I snuck into the Blue Flamingo, grabbed the stun gun and attacked her from behind! I totes thought taking a photo of her would be satisfying proof of my revenge... but it just made me feel worse. Nothing will bring my sister back! Nothing!
Jones: Miss Ash, this is indeed a troubling situation. But we have no choice but to put you under arrest!
Buzz KillRobyn: OMG! Why d'you need to throw shade on me like that? I've done nothing wrong!
Jones: Maybe you should think about kicking your drug habit, because we found your Scrappy Snacks all over the necklace you ripped off DJ Kaboom!
Robyn: And maybe YOU'D be less salty if you took some Scrappy Snacks yourself!
Jones: What about the electroshock gun you used to electrocute the victim, which we found covered in YOUR nail polish?
Robyn: Are you totes kidding me? Like I'm the only person in The Greens with painted nails!
Jones: Enough of your lip, Miss Ash! We found the photo you took of your murderous handiwork and the camera you used. Your game is up, so confess! Why'd you kill Kalua Kaboom?
(Robyn facepalms.)
Robyn: I killed her for revenge - why else?! Remember when I told you Kaboom gave one of my squad a seizure? Well, it wasn't just anyone - it was my sister! My lil' sis suffered from epilepsy, and flashing lights were a no-no for her brain. I told Kalua this and she promised not to use strobe lighting. But she lied! And the crazy lights and techno beats were too much for my poor, fragile Piper. She died from the seizure!
Jones: DJ Kaboom's music show killed your sister?!
Robyn: Yes, but it was ruled an accident, and I didn't have the dollar to go after her powerful lawyer squad, so Kalua got away with it!
Jones: So you decided to murder her instead?
Robyn: I had no choice! The rage was eating me alive! So I planned my attack... I knew Kalua'd be on her own rehearsing in the morning, so I snuck into the Blue Flamingo, grabbed the stun gun and attacked her from behind! I totes thought taking a photo of her would be satisfying proof of my revenge... but it just made me feel worse. Nothing will bring my sister back! Nothing!
Jones: Miss Ash, this is indeed a troubling situation. But we have no choice but to put you under arrest!
Gloria: Prisha Chandra, you're under arrest for Beckett Blanton's murder. Why'd you do it? Because you wanted complete control of the business? Or was it just because Beckett was bothering you after your one-night stand?
Prisha: What are you on about, <Rank> <Name>? Beckett and I were a team! I wouldn't have killed him!
Gloria: Yet you did lure him to the roof, didn't you? Writing a note with colored pencil was original, I have to say.
Prisha: Note? What note? I only use colored pencils for my Color Your Mind book.
Gloria: Come on, drop the act. We found the brush you used to beat Beckett with! You left your bike oil all over it!
Prisha (sweating): Beat Beckett? I wouldn't beat anyone up!
Gloria: Give it up, Prisha! We've got everything: your kombucha bottle, your lens cleaner... You've made too many mistakes to wriggle out of this!
Prisha: Fine, I did it! I killed him! But it was an accident, <Rank> <Name>, you have to believe me! I only sent that note to Beckett because I wanted to talk to him. But we argued, and I started hitting him...
Prisha (crying): But I hit him too hard! He stumbled and fell straight onto that beehive! The bees came swarming out and I panicked! I ran away and left him there!
Prisha: I didn't even know he was dead until you came to question me, <Rank> <Name>!
Gloria: Wait, I don't understand. What did you and Beckett argue about?!
Prisha (sweating): Well, I might've lied to you when I said I'd only slept with Beckett once...
Prisha: We fooled around from time to time. But it was never anything serious! At least, not for me. But one day, I realized Beckett had replaced my contraceptive pill with a placebo! He was so hell-bent on forcing me into a relationship that he was trying to get me pregnant! I was horrified when I realized what he had done... I felt so violated!
Prisha (crying): Beckett took away my right to choose what happened to my body, <Rank> <Name>. I never would've slept with him if I'd known what he was doing!
Gloria: Mr Blanton's actions were despicable indeed, Miss Chandra, and I understand your anger. But I'm afraid we have no choice but to arrest you for killing him!
Downward-Facing DeadPrisha: What are you on about, <Rank> <Name>? Beckett and I were a team! I wouldn't have killed him!
Gloria: Yet you did lure him to the roof, didn't you? Writing a note with colored pencil was original, I have to say.
Prisha: Note? What note? I only use colored pencils for my Color Your Mind book.
Gloria: Come on, drop the act. We found the brush you used to beat Beckett with! You left your bike oil all over it!
Prisha (sweating): Beat Beckett? I wouldn't beat anyone up!
Gloria: Give it up, Prisha! We've got everything: your kombucha bottle, your lens cleaner... You've made too many mistakes to wriggle out of this!
Prisha: Fine, I did it! I killed him! But it was an accident, <Rank> <Name>, you have to believe me! I only sent that note to Beckett because I wanted to talk to him. But we argued, and I started hitting him...
Prisha (crying): But I hit him too hard! He stumbled and fell straight onto that beehive! The bees came swarming out and I panicked! I ran away and left him there!
Prisha: I didn't even know he was dead until you came to question me, <Rank> <Name>!
Gloria: Wait, I don't understand. What did you and Beckett argue about?!
Prisha (sweating): Well, I might've lied to you when I said I'd only slept with Beckett once...
Prisha: We fooled around from time to time. But it was never anything serious! At least, not for me. But one day, I realized Beckett had replaced my contraceptive pill with a placebo! He was so hell-bent on forcing me into a relationship that he was trying to get me pregnant! I was horrified when I realized what he had done... I felt so violated!
Prisha (crying): Beckett took away my right to choose what happened to my body, <Rank> <Name>. I never would've slept with him if I'd known what he was doing!
Gloria: Mr Blanton's actions were despicable indeed, Miss Chandra, and I understand your anger. But I'm afraid we have no choice but to arrest you for killing him!
Gloria: Max Gaynes, you're under arrest for the murder of Scott Morris!
Max: Oh, come on! I know that I have a temper. I won't run from the fact that I broke his award, but murder?!
Gloria: But you DID run away from the crime scene. We found the cloth you used to cover your face and the chai tea you left on it!
Max: But Scott changed my life! I would never hurt him!
Gloria: And you say that showing us the same hand that held his head under the water!
Max: Maybe the old me would have resorted to such violence, but I'm a changed man!
Gloria: Not according to the evidence. With your left hand, you ripped out one of Scott's dreadlocks. We found your DNA on it! You killed him!
(Max brings his hand to his face.)
Max: FINE, I KILLED HIM! That yogi act was a cover! Scott Morris was a liar and a thief and a general bast-
Gloria: A liar and a thief?! What are you talking about?!
Max: Scott and I went to the same university back when I was a skinny little nerd. He protected me. Then, ten years ago, he came to me with a business proposal... I invested in it. I trusted Scott with all my money, then he ran off! I spent years getting ripped so I could destroy him when I finally found him again. He made a HUGE mistake when he came back to Grimsborough!
Gloria: But you could have attacked him anywhere! Instead you decided to take yoga classes with him? Why?
Max: I wanted to see Scott's face when he finally recognized the old me under all the muscle, when he finally realized he couldn't run away from his past!
Gloria: And he did recognize you, didn't he? That's why he tried to prevent you from studying at The Shala!
Max: He thought that would be the end of it! But I'm stronger than I used to be. He couldn't escape me this time! Or his karma!
Gloria: Well, you need to start worrying about your own karma! Max Gaynes, you're under arrest!
Game OverMax: Oh, come on! I know that I have a temper. I won't run from the fact that I broke his award, but murder?!
Gloria: But you DID run away from the crime scene. We found the cloth you used to cover your face and the chai tea you left on it!
Max: But Scott changed my life! I would never hurt him!
Gloria: And you say that showing us the same hand that held his head under the water!
Max: Maybe the old me would have resorted to such violence, but I'm a changed man!
Gloria: Not according to the evidence. With your left hand, you ripped out one of Scott's dreadlocks. We found your DNA on it! You killed him!
(Max brings his hand to his face.)
Max: FINE, I KILLED HIM! That yogi act was a cover! Scott Morris was a liar and a thief and a general bast-
Gloria: A liar and a thief?! What are you talking about?!
Max: Scott and I went to the same university back when I was a skinny little nerd. He protected me. Then, ten years ago, he came to me with a business proposal... I invested in it. I trusted Scott with all my money, then he ran off! I spent years getting ripped so I could destroy him when I finally found him again. He made a HUGE mistake when he came back to Grimsborough!
Gloria: But you could have attacked him anywhere! Instead you decided to take yoga classes with him? Why?
Max: I wanted to see Scott's face when he finally recognized the old me under all the muscle, when he finally realized he couldn't run away from his past!
Gloria: And he did recognize you, didn't he? That's why he tried to prevent you from studying at The Shala!
Max: He thought that would be the end of it! But I'm stronger than I used to be. He couldn't escape me this time! Or his karma!
Gloria: Well, you need to start worrying about your own karma! Max Gaynes, you're under arrest!
Jones: Tim Cooper, you're under arrest for your sister's murder! I can't believe you stood there and watched your sister's head explode!
Tim: <Rank> <Name>, you're joking? Me, murder my baby sister Juniper?!
Jones: Then how come we found traces of your tofu lunch on the Rolington typewriter you used to type your threatening note?
Tim: So I eat tofu, big deal! This is The Greens, everybody eats tofu!
Jones: But not everybody knows electronics like you do. Must have been useful for fastening that bomb to the headset!
Tim: <Rank> <Name>... I'm on your side! I'm one of the good guys!
Jones: Are you kidding? You stalked your own sister! Who does that?! Look, we got your blood on the key that fell of your typewriter! We know it was you, just tell us the truth!
(Tim clutches his chest while sweating.)
Tim: Fine! It WAS me! I murdered Juniper! She HAD to be punished!
Jones: Punished? For what?
Tim: If you must know, she killed our father!
Jones: She... what?
Tim: Juniper was always dad's favourite. When he got sick, the only person he really wanted to see was her. But she never came to visit! She was always too busy, too important! When he was hospitalized, I begged Juniper to come, told her he probably didn't have long to live... And her only response was to send our dad one of those stupid headset so he could talk to her in the game! Dad became addicted to that thing! He loved Juniper so much he played the game all the time! It didn't matter that I was there beside him, it was like I didn't even exist!
Tim (crying): And one day I came to the hospital and he was... gone. He let himself DIE and it was because of HER!
Jones: So... your father passed away.... while talking to your sister's virtual self.
Tim (crying): Yes! And when I confronted Juniper about it, she showed no remorse! Said it was just Dad's time! I lost my dad and she couldn't care less!
Jones: So you decided to blow her head off... how did you think that'd make anything better?
Tim (crying): I didn't need things to be better, I just needed her to pay!
Jones: Oh Cooper... I hope one day you realize how wrong you were.
Jones (presenting his badge): But for now, you're under arrest for murder!
Tim: <Rank> <Name>, you're joking? Me, murder my baby sister Juniper?!
Jones: Then how come we found traces of your tofu lunch on the Rolington typewriter you used to type your threatening note?
Tim: So I eat tofu, big deal! This is The Greens, everybody eats tofu!
Jones: But not everybody knows electronics like you do. Must have been useful for fastening that bomb to the headset!
Tim: <Rank> <Name>... I'm on your side! I'm one of the good guys!
Jones: Are you kidding? You stalked your own sister! Who does that?! Look, we got your blood on the key that fell of your typewriter! We know it was you, just tell us the truth!
(Tim clutches his chest while sweating.)
Tim: Fine! It WAS me! I murdered Juniper! She HAD to be punished!
Jones: Punished? For what?
Tim: If you must know, she killed our father!
Jones: She... what?
Tim: Juniper was always dad's favourite. When he got sick, the only person he really wanted to see was her. But she never came to visit! She was always too busy, too important! When he was hospitalized, I begged Juniper to come, told her he probably didn't have long to live... And her only response was to send our dad one of those stupid headset so he could talk to her in the game! Dad became addicted to that thing! He loved Juniper so much he played the game all the time! It didn't matter that I was there beside him, it was like I didn't even exist!
Tim (crying): And one day I came to the hospital and he was... gone. He let himself DIE and it was because of HER!
Jones: So... your father passed away.... while talking to your sister's virtual self.
Tim (crying): Yes! And when I confronted Juniper about it, she showed no remorse! Said it was just Dad's time! I lost my dad and she couldn't care less!
Jones: So you decided to blow her head off... how did you think that'd make anything better?
Tim (crying): I didn't need things to be better, I just needed her to pay!
Jones: Oh Cooper... I hope one day you realize how wrong you were.
Jones (presenting his badge): But for now, you're under arrest for murder!
Old Town
The Lost City
Jones: Theresa Cole, you're under arrest for Karen Boulder's murder!
Theresa: <Rank> <Name>, no offense, but I'm very busy. Can't somebody else deal with this?
Jones: Busy? We know that you've dedicated a lot of your time to Ms Boulder's demise. You really put your survivalist skills to the test!
Theresa: All I did was hire that PI! And I've already explained why. Perhaps it was foolish to have her followed, but it wasn't illegal!
Jones: No, but you did more! You sent her a death threat, copied from that Xerdan history book, which you admitted reading- Theresa: I don't even like that book! I've only read it because that's all people talk about since the ruins were found!
Jones: Ms Cole, you can't deny it! We found your DNA on your tar-stained hand pump! Just tell us, what made you kill Karen in that bizarre manner?
Theresa: I wanted to make it look weird, so the police would suspect that crazy cult, not me!
(Theresa starts sweating.)
Theresa: Fine, <Rank> <Name>, I give up! I'm exhausted enough as it is! I confess to killing her! Running from the police is the last thing I need! You can't imagine the administrative burden of suddenly finding a lost civilization! I've had no sleep since Xerda was discovered! It wasn't just Ms Boulder harassing me for excavation permits... it was the Mayor, the press, the tourism board, even the Pope... I couldn't take it anymore! I was sick of working weekends and taking phone calls at night! I wanted my life back! I wanted that wretched hole in the ground backfilled! I wanted Xerda to disappear again!
Jones: So, you were overworked and exhausted, but instead of taking a vacation, you decided to kill an archaeologist?
Theresa: Sleep deprivation gives you the wildest thoughts, <Rank> <Name>! One night I was sitting in my garage, looking at that leftover pot of tar from my last DIY project... And that gave me an idea! I thought a strange death at the site would scare everyone away from those ruins! So on my next visit to the dig, I snuck up on Miss Boulder, tied her up... and pumped that tar into her throat until she suffocated! I thought an unsolved murder would force the authorities to close down the dig. But I didn't count on you, <Rank> <Name>!
Jones: Ms Cole, it's clear that chronic exhaustion impaired your judgment! But you'll have to face up to what you've done! You're arrested for the murder!
No Mercy for Old MenTheresa: <Rank> <Name>, no offense, but I'm very busy. Can't somebody else deal with this?
Jones: Busy? We know that you've dedicated a lot of your time to Ms Boulder's demise. You really put your survivalist skills to the test!
Theresa: All I did was hire that PI! And I've already explained why. Perhaps it was foolish to have her followed, but it wasn't illegal!
Jones: No, but you did more! You sent her a death threat, copied from that Xerdan history book, which you admitted reading- Theresa: I don't even like that book! I've only read it because that's all people talk about since the ruins were found!
Jones: Ms Cole, you can't deny it! We found your DNA on your tar-stained hand pump! Just tell us, what made you kill Karen in that bizarre manner?
Theresa: I wanted to make it look weird, so the police would suspect that crazy cult, not me!
(Theresa starts sweating.)
Theresa: Fine, <Rank> <Name>, I give up! I'm exhausted enough as it is! I confess to killing her! Running from the police is the last thing I need! You can't imagine the administrative burden of suddenly finding a lost civilization! I've had no sleep since Xerda was discovered! It wasn't just Ms Boulder harassing me for excavation permits... it was the Mayor, the press, the tourism board, even the Pope... I couldn't take it anymore! I was sick of working weekends and taking phone calls at night! I wanted my life back! I wanted that wretched hole in the ground backfilled! I wanted Xerda to disappear again!
Jones: So, you were overworked and exhausted, but instead of taking a vacation, you decided to kill an archaeologist?
Theresa: Sleep deprivation gives you the wildest thoughts, <Rank> <Name>! One night I was sitting in my garage, looking at that leftover pot of tar from my last DIY project... And that gave me an idea! I thought a strange death at the site would scare everyone away from those ruins! So on my next visit to the dig, I snuck up on Miss Boulder, tied her up... and pumped that tar into her throat until she suffocated! I thought an unsolved murder would force the authorities to close down the dig. But I didn't count on you, <Rank> <Name>!
Jones: Ms Cole, it's clear that chronic exhaustion impaired your judgment! But you'll have to face up to what you've done! You're arrested for the murder!
Gloria: Mr Cavendish, you're under arrest for the murder of Sam Chey!
Basil: You believe I murdered one of my best customers? Don't be preposterous!
Gloria: What's preposterous was throwing your hot toddy in Mr Chey's face before shooting him! It was like handing us evidence against you!
Basil: I would never! Whiskey and honey destroy fabric! Not to mention, throwing that in someone's face is a waste of a perfectly good drink!
Gloria: You're right, I'm surprised you didn't keep the drink to calm your nerves. We know you were nervous - we found your larzanafex on the bullet shells!
Basil: You must believe I'm a messy person! What gives you that impression? My crisp, clean suit? I haven't got a hair out of place!
Gloria: We can tell you work hard on your appearance. The cream you're using to get rid of the bags under your eyes was smeared all over your pistol! Quit playing dumb, Mr Cavendish, your story is hanging by a thread!
Basil: I HAD to kill Sam! He was going to ruin my business! You have to understand! My father passed on recently, and I took over the family business. Immediately, profits plummetted! Decades of success, gone in the stitch of a button! And not only did Sam refuse to pay his tab, he started badmouthing the shop to other customers! I couldn't let him do that! I had to do something! And once I squeezed the trigger, I just couldn't stop! I came apart at the seams! All my work down the drain because of some... some balmy old man! Well, he can't do that to me, the bloody... the bloody...
Gloria: Are you alright, Mr Cavendish? You look ill...
Basil (sweating): Of course I'm ill! I- I feel right warblish at the moment!
Gloria: Settle down, or you'll hyperventilate! <Rank> <Name>, be careful putting the cuffs on him, he looks like he might pass out! Mr Cavendish, you're under arrest!
Writer's BlockedBasil: You believe I murdered one of my best customers? Don't be preposterous!
Gloria: What's preposterous was throwing your hot toddy in Mr Chey's face before shooting him! It was like handing us evidence against you!
Basil: I would never! Whiskey and honey destroy fabric! Not to mention, throwing that in someone's face is a waste of a perfectly good drink!
Gloria: You're right, I'm surprised you didn't keep the drink to calm your nerves. We know you were nervous - we found your larzanafex on the bullet shells!
Basil: You must believe I'm a messy person! What gives you that impression? My crisp, clean suit? I haven't got a hair out of place!
Gloria: We can tell you work hard on your appearance. The cream you're using to get rid of the bags under your eyes was smeared all over your pistol! Quit playing dumb, Mr Cavendish, your story is hanging by a thread!
Basil: I HAD to kill Sam! He was going to ruin my business! You have to understand! My father passed on recently, and I took over the family business. Immediately, profits plummetted! Decades of success, gone in the stitch of a button! And not only did Sam refuse to pay his tab, he started badmouthing the shop to other customers! I couldn't let him do that! I had to do something! And once I squeezed the trigger, I just couldn't stop! I came apart at the seams! All my work down the drain because of some... some balmy old man! Well, he can't do that to me, the bloody... the bloody...
Gloria: Are you alright, Mr Cavendish? You look ill...
Basil (sweating): Of course I'm ill! I- I feel right warblish at the moment!
Gloria: Settle down, or you'll hyperventilate! <Rank> <Name>, be careful putting the cuffs on him, he looks like he might pass out! Mr Cavendish, you're under arrest!
Gloria: Jebediah Cobb! You're under arrest for the murder of Reggie Liotta!
Jebediah: Me, a murderer?! That's presposterous! We had our differences, but I wouldn't kill the man!
Gloria: Well, you blatantly threatened the victim, writing that Xerdan message on the sundial!
Jebediah: I was speaking Xerdan when you were in elementary school, but that doesn't mean I wrote that message!
Gloria: But we know you bludgeoned Mr Liotta with that stone club. Your glasses cleaner was all over the handle!
Jebediah: Bludgeoned? How horrid! I'm a museum curator, not a savage! I abhor violence!
Gloria: But you checked the victim's pulse to make sure he was dead! We found your hand sanitizer on his neck! Admit it, Mr Cobb! You were jealous of Reggie and his book, even though you said it was all hype and no history!
Jebediah: It's exactly the opposite! I killed the man because he knew too much history!
Gloria: Too much history? What does that mean?
Jebediah: The truth is, I did read Reggie's manuscript. He couldn't resist the chance to gloat, so he let me see it. I was horrified by the revelations he'd uncovered. His publication completely debunked all of my theories about the Xerdans! You see, my book purports the Xerdans were a patriarchal society. It was the basis for all my research on the subject. But Mr Liotta had studied the resurfaced ruins and discovered they were a matriarchy after all! The Xerdan culture wasn't male-dominated whatsoever!
Gloria: So you killed him because he knew more than you?
Jebediah: No! I had to silence him, stop him from publishing "Xerda's Return"! My life's work was a fraud! I couldn't let the truth get out, I had to keep it quiet! So I confronted him after the meet and greet, begging him to reconsider! But naturally, he wouldn't. So I lashed out and grabbed one of the weapons and hit him! It was a reckless act of passion. Regardless of the threats I made, I didn't mean to kill him! Everything I've ever worked for, all I believed was a lie! I couldn't let it get out! You must understand!
Gloria: That's for the judge to decide. Jebediah Cobb, you're under arrest for the murder of Reggie Liotta!
Color Me MurderedJebediah: Me, a murderer?! That's presposterous! We had our differences, but I wouldn't kill the man!
Gloria: Well, you blatantly threatened the victim, writing that Xerdan message on the sundial!
Jebediah: I was speaking Xerdan when you were in elementary school, but that doesn't mean I wrote that message!
Gloria: But we know you bludgeoned Mr Liotta with that stone club. Your glasses cleaner was all over the handle!
Jebediah: Bludgeoned? How horrid! I'm a museum curator, not a savage! I abhor violence!
Gloria: But you checked the victim's pulse to make sure he was dead! We found your hand sanitizer on his neck! Admit it, Mr Cobb! You were jealous of Reggie and his book, even though you said it was all hype and no history!
Jebediah: It's exactly the opposite! I killed the man because he knew too much history!
Gloria: Too much history? What does that mean?
Jebediah: The truth is, I did read Reggie's manuscript. He couldn't resist the chance to gloat, so he let me see it. I was horrified by the revelations he'd uncovered. His publication completely debunked all of my theories about the Xerdans! You see, my book purports the Xerdans were a patriarchal society. It was the basis for all my research on the subject. But Mr Liotta had studied the resurfaced ruins and discovered they were a matriarchy after all! The Xerdan culture wasn't male-dominated whatsoever!
Gloria: So you killed him because he knew more than you?
Jebediah: No! I had to silence him, stop him from publishing "Xerda's Return"! My life's work was a fraud! I couldn't let the truth get out, I had to keep it quiet! So I confronted him after the meet and greet, begging him to reconsider! But naturally, he wouldn't. So I lashed out and grabbed one of the weapons and hit him! It was a reckless act of passion. Regardless of the threats I made, I didn't mean to kill him! Everything I've ever worked for, all I believed was a lie! I couldn't let it get out! You must understand!
Gloria: That's for the judge to decide. Jebediah Cobb, you're under arrest for the murder of Reggie Liotta!
Jones: Haruki Kato, you're under arrest for the murder of Marcus Butler!
Haruki: Me, kill my best friend?! What parallel universe are you living in, <Rank> <Name>?
Jones: WE are living in a world where we found traces of your favorite incredible Bulk cocktail on the handkerchief you used to wipe yourself after killing Marcus!
Haruki: You've got it all wrong, <Rank> <Name> - my hands are clean!
Jones: What a nice star print t-shirt you've got there... Did you notice you ripped it while pulling your bloody GrimCon wristband off?
Haruki: Oh, come on - star patterns are greek chic... everyone's wearing them these days!
Jones: Starting to sweat, Haruki? Funny, you also left sweat all over the sharpened White Bear Claw you used to slash Marcus to death! Y'know, there's one thing I don't understand. The street was filled with lava, so why didn't you just dump the body and your murder weapon into it?
Haruki: I... hadn't thought of it...
(Haruki stands, speechless.)
Haruki: Alright, I did it! I killed Marcus! I had to... for The Higher Truth!
Jones: You're a member of The Higher Truth?! So that cult's now encouraging people to commit murder? Is there nothing-
Haruki: Of course not! The Higher Truth is as pure as the virgin snow on a secluded mountain ledge! But unfortunately, even the spiritually superior have material needs to fulfill while still imprisoned on this godforsaken planet... ... Which is why I was required to donate a hefty sum of money to advance to the next level, and truly bask in the light of the one and only Truth!
Jones: Ah yes, we've heard how much the cult loves money...
Haruki: Marcus had ranked in the dollars after selling the film rights to Miracle Girl, so I asked him to help me. But he held onto his cash tighter than a leprechaun to his pot of gold! I realized the only way I was going to get a hold of that money was by killing him! So, I prepared my attack, beginning by sharpening my White Bear claw. I knew Marcus used to go to Church Street for creative inspiration, so I grabbed the claw, followed him there, and slashed his stomach to shreds! As soon as he took his last mortal breath, I grabbed his keys from his pocket, ran to the studio, and took all the cash I could get my hands on!
Jones: Was it really that easy to slash your best friend to death?
Haruki: <Rank> <Name>, there is something of far more importance at play than the trivial notion of a "best friend", and Marcus should have understood this! He should have understood that I was doing it for the greatest purpose of all - The Higher Truth!
Jones (presenting his badge): Well, Mr Kato, you're only purpose now will be defending yourself in the courtroom. You're under arrest!
I Lost My Heart in XerdaHaruki: Me, kill my best friend?! What parallel universe are you living in, <Rank> <Name>?
Jones: WE are living in a world where we found traces of your favorite incredible Bulk cocktail on the handkerchief you used to wipe yourself after killing Marcus!
Haruki: You've got it all wrong, <Rank> <Name> - my hands are clean!
Jones: What a nice star print t-shirt you've got there... Did you notice you ripped it while pulling your bloody GrimCon wristband off?
Haruki: Oh, come on - star patterns are greek chic... everyone's wearing them these days!
Jones: Starting to sweat, Haruki? Funny, you also left sweat all over the sharpened White Bear Claw you used to slash Marcus to death! Y'know, there's one thing I don't understand. The street was filled with lava, so why didn't you just dump the body and your murder weapon into it?
Haruki: I... hadn't thought of it...
(Haruki stands, speechless.)
Haruki: Alright, I did it! I killed Marcus! I had to... for The Higher Truth!
Jones: You're a member of The Higher Truth?! So that cult's now encouraging people to commit murder? Is there nothing-
Haruki: Of course not! The Higher Truth is as pure as the virgin snow on a secluded mountain ledge! But unfortunately, even the spiritually superior have material needs to fulfill while still imprisoned on this godforsaken planet... ... Which is why I was required to donate a hefty sum of money to advance to the next level, and truly bask in the light of the one and only Truth!
Jones: Ah yes, we've heard how much the cult loves money...
Haruki: Marcus had ranked in the dollars after selling the film rights to Miracle Girl, so I asked him to help me. But he held onto his cash tighter than a leprechaun to his pot of gold! I realized the only way I was going to get a hold of that money was by killing him! So, I prepared my attack, beginning by sharpening my White Bear claw. I knew Marcus used to go to Church Street for creative inspiration, so I grabbed the claw, followed him there, and slashed his stomach to shreds! As soon as he took his last mortal breath, I grabbed his keys from his pocket, ran to the studio, and took all the cash I could get my hands on!
Jones: Was it really that easy to slash your best friend to death?
Haruki: <Rank> <Name>, there is something of far more importance at play than the trivial notion of a "best friend", and Marcus should have understood this! He should have understood that I was doing it for the greatest purpose of all - The Higher Truth!
Jones (presenting his badge): Well, Mr Kato, you're only purpose now will be defending yourself in the courtroom. You're under arrest!
Jones: Mr Camper, you're under arrest for the murder of Kayla Markham! Did you kill Kayla because you found her stealing, is that it?
Bruno: I was annoyed that she stole. But I'm not a woman, I wouldn't have gotten hysterical enough to murder someone over it!
Jones: Funny you keep mentioning gender, because the skin cells we found on your chloroform bottle pointed us to fact that the killer is a man - namely, you!
Bruno: This is preposterous. Xerda is the biggest archaeological discovery of the century! Do you really think I'd compromise the dig by killing someone there?
Jones: Then how do you explain the fact that we found traces of your whiskey on the knife you used to cut her heart out?
Bruno: So I enjoy a glass of whiskey, <Rank> <Name>. That's not a crime!
Jones: Cut the act, Mr Camper! We found traces of your blood on the victim's heart! Why did you cut it out? Was it some sort of sacrifice?
Bruno: ......... Fine, I killed her! But she should've known better than to just waltz back into my life after everything she did to me!
Jones: Everything Kayla did to you? You told us you didn't even know her!
Bruno: I lied! Kayla was my ex-wife!
Jones: What?! You were married to Kayla?
Bruno: We met while I was on a dig in Egypt a few years ago, when she was calling herself Zara Loft. We had a whirlwind romance and I thought I'd met the perfect woman! Ready to tend to my every need! So, we got married. But three months later, Kayla absconded with a handful of invaluable treasures from the dig! Not only was I heartbroken, but I also got kicked off the project because the bosses assumed I was in on the theft! I've hated women ever since! When I saw Kayla outside the sacrificial chamber, I knew she'd come back to ruin my life all over again! I couldn't let her do it, <Rank> <Name>! Kayla betrayed me, so I sacrificed her the way Xerdans dealt with traitors! By removing her heart!
Jones: The sensible solution would've been to call the authorities, Mr Camper! Instead, you're under arrest for her murder!
The Truth HurtsBruno: I was annoyed that she stole. But I'm not a woman, I wouldn't have gotten hysterical enough to murder someone over it!
Jones: Funny you keep mentioning gender, because the skin cells we found on your chloroform bottle pointed us to fact that the killer is a man - namely, you!
Bruno: This is preposterous. Xerda is the biggest archaeological discovery of the century! Do you really think I'd compromise the dig by killing someone there?
Jones: Then how do you explain the fact that we found traces of your whiskey on the knife you used to cut her heart out?
Bruno: So I enjoy a glass of whiskey, <Rank> <Name>. That's not a crime!
Jones: Cut the act, Mr Camper! We found traces of your blood on the victim's heart! Why did you cut it out? Was it some sort of sacrifice?
Bruno: ......... Fine, I killed her! But she should've known better than to just waltz back into my life after everything she did to me!
Jones: Everything Kayla did to you? You told us you didn't even know her!
Bruno: I lied! Kayla was my ex-wife!
Jones: What?! You were married to Kayla?
Bruno: We met while I was on a dig in Egypt a few years ago, when she was calling herself Zara Loft. We had a whirlwind romance and I thought I'd met the perfect woman! Ready to tend to my every need! So, we got married. But three months later, Kayla absconded with a handful of invaluable treasures from the dig! Not only was I heartbroken, but I also got kicked off the project because the bosses assumed I was in on the theft! I've hated women ever since! When I saw Kayla outside the sacrificial chamber, I knew she'd come back to ruin my life all over again! I couldn't let her do it, <Rank> <Name>! Kayla betrayed me, so I sacrificed her the way Xerdans dealt with traitors! By removing her heart!
Jones: The sensible solution would've been to call the authorities, Mr Camper! Instead, you're under arrest for her murder!
Gloria: Skylar Sage, you're under arrest for the murder of Steven Crowe!
Skylar: What?! I would never have harmed The Enlightened One!
Gloria: And yet you did. You hit him over the head with a rock and then you stabbed him with his own earrings!
Skylar: No, I didn't! He changed my life! Why would I harm him right before the Release!
Gloria: Well, you tell us. You'd been angry with Steven Crowe for a while. We found the Dayglo Satsuma mix you sent to him.
Skylar: Everyone listens to Dayglo Satsuma! It helps us meditate and protects us from negative vibes!
Gloria: Speaking of negative vibes, you left flakes from your crystal necklace on the bloody rock used to stun Mr Crowe! It's over, Skylar. We have all the evidence we need. Just confess.
(Skylar stands, speechless.)
Skylar: Yes, it's true. I DID kill Steven!
Gloria: So it's Steven now? All of a sudden he's not "The Enlightened One"?
Skylar: He never was! I used to believe everything he said! But then he announced the Release and yet he kept asking for more money! And that got me thinking. Why did The Higher Truth need everyone's money if we were all going to leave for another plane of existence?
Gloria: That's a good question, Ms Sage! Did you try to get an answer?
Skylar: Yes, I did. I confronted Steven at the Fair. He gave me the same old line about material things holding us back... But he wouldn't tell me where all that money was going and to what purpose! I realized in that moment Steven was simply using us all to get rich! He probably wasn't even going to attend the Release! I was blind with rage... I hit him over the head with the bloody rock and, once he was out cold, I grabbed his earrings and stabbed his eyes!
Gloria: Ms Sage, we understand that you must have felt betrayed, but killing Steven Crowe was not the right way to deal with it! You're under arrest!
Skylar: What?! I would never have harmed The Enlightened One!
Gloria: And yet you did. You hit him over the head with a rock and then you stabbed him with his own earrings!
Skylar: No, I didn't! He changed my life! Why would I harm him right before the Release!
Gloria: Well, you tell us. You'd been angry with Steven Crowe for a while. We found the Dayglo Satsuma mix you sent to him.
Skylar: Everyone listens to Dayglo Satsuma! It helps us meditate and protects us from negative vibes!
Gloria: Speaking of negative vibes, you left flakes from your crystal necklace on the bloody rock used to stun Mr Crowe! It's over, Skylar. We have all the evidence we need. Just confess.
(Skylar stands, speechless.)
Skylar: Yes, it's true. I DID kill Steven!
Gloria: So it's Steven now? All of a sudden he's not "The Enlightened One"?
Skylar: He never was! I used to believe everything he said! But then he announced the Release and yet he kept asking for more money! And that got me thinking. Why did The Higher Truth need everyone's money if we were all going to leave for another plane of existence?
Gloria: That's a good question, Ms Sage! Did you try to get an answer?
Skylar: Yes, I did. I confronted Steven at the Fair. He gave me the same old line about material things holding us back... But he wouldn't tell me where all that money was going and to what purpose! I realized in that moment Steven was simply using us all to get rich! He probably wasn't even going to attend the Release! I was blind with rage... I hit him over the head with the bloody rock and, once he was out cold, I grabbed his earrings and stabbed his eyes!
Gloria: Ms Sage, we understand that you must have felt betrayed, but killing Steven Crowe was not the right way to deal with it! You're under arrest!
Maple Heights
Muddying the Waters
Jones (showing his badge): Anuj Ghosh, you're under arrest for the murder of Jordan Coprolite!
Anuj: What are you talking about? He insulted my food, but I'd never kill the man!
Jones: And yet we found traces of your restaurant's cinnamon rolls on the rope used to tie Jordan to a stone!
Anuj: Please, everyone eats my pastries! They're a great comfort to people in the area, or have you forgotten that we're coping with a flood?
Jones: Yes, the flood... You had to be sure the body would remain attached to the stone! Your knowledge of knots came in useful!
Anuj (holding a spatula): Body? I don't know anything about dead bodies, I'm just a cook!
Jones: Well, that explains why you were unable to successfully hide the evidence! We found the necklace you tore off the victim's neck. It had the cream you use on your mosquito bites! Confess, Mr Ghosh! We found your sweat on the murder weapon! We have DNA proof that you did it!
(Anuj sweats, embarrassed.)
Anuj: Fine! I did kill him! But it's his own fault! <Rank> <Name>, you already know we had a fight about my food, Jordan said it had the same effect as laxatives. But he didn't stop there... The next day I found him in my kitchen, putting actual laxatives in my tikka masala!
Jones: What?! Jordan was trying to make everyone sick from your food?
Anuj: Yes! He was going to sabotage my restaurant! All my customers would think my food was dangerous! I saw red, <Rank> <Name>! I grabbed my bat and chased him out of my restaurant! We ended up at the nearby bridge... I swung my bat at him... Next thing I know, he doubled over, coughing up blood! And then he died! I swear I never meant to kill him, <Rank> <Name>, just shake him up! I panicked, I didn't know what to do! I tied him to a stone and threw it into the flood, hoping it would wash away my sins.
Jones: I'm afraid your sins cannot be washed away so easily. Anuj Ghosh, you are under arrest!
Bone of ContentionAnuj: What are you talking about? He insulted my food, but I'd never kill the man!
Jones: And yet we found traces of your restaurant's cinnamon rolls on the rope used to tie Jordan to a stone!
Anuj: Please, everyone eats my pastries! They're a great comfort to people in the area, or have you forgotten that we're coping with a flood?
Jones: Yes, the flood... You had to be sure the body would remain attached to the stone! Your knowledge of knots came in useful!
Anuj (holding a spatula): Body? I don't know anything about dead bodies, I'm just a cook!
Jones: Well, that explains why you were unable to successfully hide the evidence! We found the necklace you tore off the victim's neck. It had the cream you use on your mosquito bites! Confess, Mr Ghosh! We found your sweat on the murder weapon! We have DNA proof that you did it!
(Anuj sweats, embarrassed.)
Anuj: Fine! I did kill him! But it's his own fault! <Rank> <Name>, you already know we had a fight about my food, Jordan said it had the same effect as laxatives. But he didn't stop there... The next day I found him in my kitchen, putting actual laxatives in my tikka masala!
Jones: What?! Jordan was trying to make everyone sick from your food?
Anuj: Yes! He was going to sabotage my restaurant! All my customers would think my food was dangerous! I saw red, <Rank> <Name>! I grabbed my bat and chased him out of my restaurant! We ended up at the nearby bridge... I swung my bat at him... Next thing I know, he doubled over, coughing up blood! And then he died! I swear I never meant to kill him, <Rank> <Name>, just shake him up! I panicked, I didn't know what to do! I tied him to a stone and threw it into the flood, hoping it would wash away my sins.
Jones: I'm afraid your sins cannot be washed away so easily. Anuj Ghosh, you are under arrest!
Gloria: Kitty Young, you're under arrest for Penny Farrell's murder!
Kitty: What are you talking about? I didn't kill Penny, I worked for her!
Gloria: You strangled her with a dog leash! You threw it in the trash, but <Rank> <Name> found it!
Kitty: You found a dog leash, so now you're trying to pin a murder on me because I'm a dog walker? That's pathetic!
Gloria: We have plenty more proof! Like your broken GritFit we found at the crime scene!
Kitty (sweating): You're barking up the wrong tree, <Rank> <Name>! I told you, I didn't do it!
Gloria: Stop lying, Kitty! Just tell us why you did it! Was it really because Penny criticized the way you work? Girl, you care an awful lot about dog walking, don't you?
Kitty: I didn't kill Penny because she was a know-it-all! I killed her because she threatened to turn me in!
(Kitty sweats, embarrassed.)
Gloria: Penny threatened to have you arrested? For what?
Kitty: You think I'm stupid enough to tell you?
Gloria: You're already looking at a murder conviction! Don't make it worse by not cooperating!
Kitty: Alright, you win. Well, Maple Heights is an expensive neighborhood, and dog-walking doesn't pay much. But most people here are loaded... there's money to be made if you know how. So I came up with a scheme to... occasionally steal a dog from the neighborhood.
Gloria: You were stealing dogs? So it's true! There really was a dog-kidnapper in Maple Heights! And it was you!
Kitty: I never hurt the dogs, <Rank> <Name>! I just waited until the owners offered a reward... then gave the dog back and pocketed the money! But Penny figured it out, and got all sanctimonious about it! She confronted me at the shelter and threatened to report me to the police. That was when my temper got the better of me! I didn't mean to kill her, <Rank> <Name>, but our fight got out of hand!
Gloria: Got out of hand? You strangled her with a dog leash in cold blood! Ms Young, you're under arrest!
Behind These WallsKitty: What are you talking about? I didn't kill Penny, I worked for her!
Gloria: You strangled her with a dog leash! You threw it in the trash, but <Rank> <Name> found it!
Kitty: You found a dog leash, so now you're trying to pin a murder on me because I'm a dog walker? That's pathetic!
Gloria: We have plenty more proof! Like your broken GritFit we found at the crime scene!
Kitty (sweating): You're barking up the wrong tree, <Rank> <Name>! I told you, I didn't do it!
Gloria: Stop lying, Kitty! Just tell us why you did it! Was it really because Penny criticized the way you work? Girl, you care an awful lot about dog walking, don't you?
Kitty: I didn't kill Penny because she was a know-it-all! I killed her because she threatened to turn me in!
(Kitty sweats, embarrassed.)
Gloria: Penny threatened to have you arrested? For what?
Kitty: You think I'm stupid enough to tell you?
Gloria: You're already looking at a murder conviction! Don't make it worse by not cooperating!
Kitty: Alright, you win. Well, Maple Heights is an expensive neighborhood, and dog-walking doesn't pay much. But most people here are loaded... there's money to be made if you know how. So I came up with a scheme to... occasionally steal a dog from the neighborhood.
Gloria: You were stealing dogs? So it's true! There really was a dog-kidnapper in Maple Heights! And it was you!
Kitty: I never hurt the dogs, <Rank> <Name>! I just waited until the owners offered a reward... then gave the dog back and pocketed the money! But Penny figured it out, and got all sanctimonious about it! She confronted me at the shelter and threatened to report me to the police. That was when my temper got the better of me! I didn't mean to kill her, <Rank> <Name>, but our fight got out of hand!
Gloria: Got out of hand? You strangled her with a dog leash in cold blood! Ms Young, you're under arrest!
Gloria: Mrs Bloom, you're under arrest for the murder of your own grandson!
Violet: You believe I murdered my own progeny?! What a vile accusation!
Gloria: You left clay pigeon dust on the suit of armor you got your weapon from!
Violet: You'd be hard-pressed to find someone here who doesn't have that dust on their hands! Sport shooting is a Bloom family tradition!
Gloria: Speaking of "hard-pressed", you also left traces of cider on the shaft of the halberd when you skewered Mason!
Violet: Surely you don't think I go around skewering people with medieval weaponry!
Gloria: Mrs Bloom, we still don't know why you would have done this to your grandson, but we know it was you! Your skin cells were on the book from which you learned how to stab Mason!
Violet: CURSES on you and your family for discovering my designs! Yes, I killed Mason! But as far as I'm concerned, he ceased to be my grandson before I dispatched him!
Gloria: Why? Were you so angry with him for learning that you could walk?
Violet: No, but it's thanks to my walking that I uncovered his crime! I knew he'd been hiding something, so I followed him without my squeaky wheels giving me away... And today I caught Mason packing a valise! He told me he was going to run away with the maid!
Gloria: So he really was planning to do it!
Violet: Oh, yes! He said he got the vixen pregnant, said it was love! He was going to leave his ancestral home and give our noble name to their bastard child! Mason was going to set aflame the legacy of all Blooms who came before him!
Gloria: This is a very extreme reaction to your grandson falling in love!
Violet: The cleanliness of the family bloodline must be preserved! If he insisted on throwing his family into the mud, he had to die! So I laid in ambush. I drew my weapon from the armor and sat waiting and listening in shadow at the end of the hall. When I heard him alight from the top step, I gripped the pikestaff and thrust my wheels forward as if spurring a steed! We collided at the precise moment he entered the hall, and my momentum plunged the spike through his heart!
Gloria: Mrs Bloom, I'm speechless. What you've just described is grotesquesly... medieval! There's no other word for it!
Violet: The only thing medieval is the age of our traditions! I wasn't going to let that whelp destroy our family's honor!
Gloria: I think we've heard enough! Mrs Bloom, you're under arrest!
Dead Men Tell No TalesViolet: You believe I murdered my own progeny?! What a vile accusation!
Gloria: You left clay pigeon dust on the suit of armor you got your weapon from!
Violet: You'd be hard-pressed to find someone here who doesn't have that dust on their hands! Sport shooting is a Bloom family tradition!
Gloria: Speaking of "hard-pressed", you also left traces of cider on the shaft of the halberd when you skewered Mason!
Violet: Surely you don't think I go around skewering people with medieval weaponry!
Gloria: Mrs Bloom, we still don't know why you would have done this to your grandson, but we know it was you! Your skin cells were on the book from which you learned how to stab Mason!
Violet: CURSES on you and your family for discovering my designs! Yes, I killed Mason! But as far as I'm concerned, he ceased to be my grandson before I dispatched him!
Gloria: Why? Were you so angry with him for learning that you could walk?
Violet: No, but it's thanks to my walking that I uncovered his crime! I knew he'd been hiding something, so I followed him without my squeaky wheels giving me away... And today I caught Mason packing a valise! He told me he was going to run away with the maid!
Gloria: So he really was planning to do it!
Violet: Oh, yes! He said he got the vixen pregnant, said it was love! He was going to leave his ancestral home and give our noble name to their bastard child! Mason was going to set aflame the legacy of all Blooms who came before him!
Gloria: This is a very extreme reaction to your grandson falling in love!
Violet: The cleanliness of the family bloodline must be preserved! If he insisted on throwing his family into the mud, he had to die! So I laid in ambush. I drew my weapon from the armor and sat waiting and listening in shadow at the end of the hall. When I heard him alight from the top step, I gripped the pikestaff and thrust my wheels forward as if spurring a steed! We collided at the precise moment he entered the hall, and my momentum plunged the spike through his heart!
Gloria: Mrs Bloom, I'm speechless. What you've just described is grotesquesly... medieval! There's no other word for it!
Violet: The only thing medieval is the age of our traditions! I wasn't going to let that whelp destroy our family's honor!
Gloria: I think we've heard enough! Mrs Bloom, you're under arrest!
Jones: Carl Rossa, you're under arrest for Joshua Gibson's murder!
Carl: Me?! I may dress like a pirate, but I haven't a villainous bone in my body!
Jones: I bet you thought you'd just shoot Mr Gibson and sail away into the sunset. But your passion for antique firearms gave you away!
Carl: What are you talking about?!
Jones: The vintage Weston Smith pistol! We found bits of your blue feather lodged in the feather!
Carl: Well, that's got nothing to do with anything!
Jones: The evidence doesn't lie! Like the Caribbean palm oil on your gun's holster, or your hat wax on your bullet pouch! Admit it, "Captain"! You did it!
Parrot: Carl shot Gibson! Carl shot Gibson! Squawk!
Carl: Quiet, you stupid bird! Alright, I know when I'm beat. I murdered Gibson... but he had it coming!
Jones: But why? Just because he wanted a cut of your profit?
Parrot: Legal papers! Legal papers!
Carl: Shut up, Will! Or so help me, I'll wring your neck! The truth is, Gibson was furious when I refused to cut him in on my rum sales, so he threatened to steal the Black Sparrow! He and his lawyers found an antiquated maritime regulation following allowing him to seize my property! According to some obscure loophole, as soon as my anchor touched the ground on his property, the Black Sparrow effectively became his to do with as he pleased!
Jones: So you killed a man over a pirate ship?
Carl: I killed him because he went back on his word! And I'd rather walk the plank than lose the Black Sparrow to the likes of him!
Jones: Well, Mr Rossa, you did lose everything. You're under arrest for Joshua Gibson's murder!
Parrot: Under arrest! Squawk!
Light My FireCarl: Me?! I may dress like a pirate, but I haven't a villainous bone in my body!
Jones: I bet you thought you'd just shoot Mr Gibson and sail away into the sunset. But your passion for antique firearms gave you away!
Carl: What are you talking about?!
Jones: The vintage Weston Smith pistol! We found bits of your blue feather lodged in the feather!
Carl: Well, that's got nothing to do with anything!
Jones: The evidence doesn't lie! Like the Caribbean palm oil on your gun's holster, or your hat wax on your bullet pouch! Admit it, "Captain"! You did it!
Parrot: Carl shot Gibson! Carl shot Gibson! Squawk!
Carl: Quiet, you stupid bird! Alright, I know when I'm beat. I murdered Gibson... but he had it coming!
Jones: But why? Just because he wanted a cut of your profit?
Parrot: Legal papers! Legal papers!
Carl: Shut up, Will! Or so help me, I'll wring your neck! The truth is, Gibson was furious when I refused to cut him in on my rum sales, so he threatened to steal the Black Sparrow! He and his lawyers found an antiquated maritime regulation following allowing him to seize my property! According to some obscure loophole, as soon as my anchor touched the ground on his property, the Black Sparrow effectively became his to do with as he pleased!
Jones: So you killed a man over a pirate ship?
Carl: I killed him because he went back on his word! And I'd rather walk the plank than lose the Black Sparrow to the likes of him!
Jones: Well, Mr Rossa, you did lose everything. You're under arrest for Joshua Gibson's murder!
Parrot: Under arrest! Squawk!
Gloria: Mr Montgomery, you're under arrest for the murder of Celine Dernier! I can't believe you killed your old co-star!
Cliff: That's because I didn't! Celine was my cherished friend. I'd never hurt her!
Gloria: Evidence doesn't lie, Mr Montgomery, unlike you! We found fibers from your fancy cravat stuck in the reward you snatched from the victim!
Cliff: Celine's party had an Under the Sea theme - you'll find plenty of her guests were wearing the same aquatic attire as I!
Gloria: Did they all drink absinthe? We know you threw your glass on the victim right before you set her on fire!
Cliff: I'm a true gentleman! I would never dare do something as uncouth as throwing a drink on a lady!
Gloria: And it's gentlemanly to turn a lady into a burning inferno with a torch? Mr Montgomery, just confess! You murdered Celine Dernier!
Cliff: Ach, alright, you got me, <Rank> <Name>, I killed Celine! But I didn't mean to do it!
Gloria: Surely it can't be because of that old grudge about your acting duo? You have had a wonderful career, even without her help!
Cliff: It wasn't about my career! Celine ruined my marriage!
Gloria: Celine destroyed your marriage? But I've never heard about this - how come it was never in the papers?
Cliff: Because not even I knew she was responsible until tonight, when that blasted woman told me she had been the one, all those years ago, spreading rumors about me sleeping with every actress in Ivywood! It made my wife furious with jealousy. She left me that year, never to come back! I had NEVER been unfaithful to Dorothy, <Rank> <Name>! She was the love of my life! And Celine... Celine destroyed this without a second thought! But when I got angry at Celine tonight, she just laughed and said I couldn't possibly still carry a torch for Dorothy! I told her I'd show her a torch! And before I realized it, I'd thrown my glass of absinthe over her, grabbed a nearby torch and set Celine ablaze!
(Gloria stands, speechless.)
Gloria: Mr Montgomery, this is a story worthy of one of your epic movies, but one without a happy ending. You're under arrest!
Blood in the WaterCliff: That's because I didn't! Celine was my cherished friend. I'd never hurt her!
Gloria: Evidence doesn't lie, Mr Montgomery, unlike you! We found fibers from your fancy cravat stuck in the reward you snatched from the victim!
Cliff: Celine's party had an Under the Sea theme - you'll find plenty of her guests were wearing the same aquatic attire as I!
Gloria: Did they all drink absinthe? We know you threw your glass on the victim right before you set her on fire!
Cliff: I'm a true gentleman! I would never dare do something as uncouth as throwing a drink on a lady!
Gloria: And it's gentlemanly to turn a lady into a burning inferno with a torch? Mr Montgomery, just confess! You murdered Celine Dernier!
Cliff: Ach, alright, you got me, <Rank> <Name>, I killed Celine! But I didn't mean to do it!
Gloria: Surely it can't be because of that old grudge about your acting duo? You have had a wonderful career, even without her help!
Cliff: It wasn't about my career! Celine ruined my marriage!
Gloria: Celine destroyed your marriage? But I've never heard about this - how come it was never in the papers?
Cliff: Because not even I knew she was responsible until tonight, when that blasted woman told me she had been the one, all those years ago, spreading rumors about me sleeping with every actress in Ivywood! It made my wife furious with jealousy. She left me that year, never to come back! I had NEVER been unfaithful to Dorothy, <Rank> <Name>! She was the love of my life! And Celine... Celine destroyed this without a second thought! But when I got angry at Celine tonight, she just laughed and said I couldn't possibly still carry a torch for Dorothy! I told her I'd show her a torch! And before I realized it, I'd thrown my glass of absinthe over her, grabbed a nearby torch and set Celine ablaze!
(Gloria stands, speechless.)
Gloria: Mr Montgomery, this is a story worthy of one of your epic movies, but one without a happy ending. You're under arrest!
Jones: Dr Emerson, you're under arrest for the murder of Mayor Price! How could you push your own cousin to such a horrible death?
Ernest: Me, kill Martha? You must be mad, <Rank> <Name>. I'd never do such a thing!
Jones: Then how do you explain the fact that we found traces of the olives you were eating on Mayor Price's jacket?
Ernest: Olives? They could've come from anywhere! That's hardly proof of wrongdoing!
Jones: Yet we found your sunscreen on the badge, which you tore off the Mayor's clothes as you struggled with her!
Ernest (sweating): It's a sunny day! Everyone is wearing sunscreen!
Jones: Feeling a bit hot, Dr Emerson? You also left your sweat on the toolbox from which you took the screwdriver you attacked Mayor Price with!
(Ernest sweats, embarrassed.)
Ernest: Fine, you got me, <Rank> <Name>! I killed Martha!
Jones: I don't get it! You killed her just because she wanted to have the Demon Fish destroyed?
Ernest: No, I killed her because she tried to stop me from releasing them back into the river!
Jones: You were trying to release the Demon Fish?! ... Wait, what do you mean "release them back into the river"?! So YOU'RE the one who blew a hole in that cavern wall to release the fish in the first place!
Ernest: Yes, it was me. <Rank> <Name>, you have to understand. I've dedicated my whole life proving that so-called "extinct" species still exist... ... So when I heard that an ancient city had been unearthed in my hometown, I knew straight away this might be my chance! And sure enough, while I was diving in the old Xerdan tunnels, I found a cavern filled with ancient fish!
Jones: So you found an ancient species that you knew nothing about, and you thought it'd be a good idea to release them into the city's water supply?!
Ernest: It was for science! But then you had to get involved and capture them, <Rank> <Name>!
Jones: Yes, because they were killing people!
Ernest: And is that reason enough to kill THEM?! When I heard Martha intended to have them exterminated, I knew I had to act! So I snuck into the facility. I knew the tanks were connected to a pipe system flowing straight back into the river, I just needed to unscrew the tank's filters and the fish would be free! But Martha walked in to me! She realized what I was doing, and tried to stop me! I grabbed that screwdriver to fend her off! But she wouldn't let go!
Jones: So you pushed her! You let her be eaten by the Demon Fish!
Ernest: It was a fitting end for her! Killed by the very creatures she wanted to murder! Unfortunately, I heard someone coming before I could release the fish, and I had to run away!
Jones: That's one small blessing! Dr Emerson, you're under arrest for the murder of Mayor Price! <Name>, let's wrap this up!
Ernest: Me, kill Martha? You must be mad, <Rank> <Name>. I'd never do such a thing!
Jones: Then how do you explain the fact that we found traces of the olives you were eating on Mayor Price's jacket?
Ernest: Olives? They could've come from anywhere! That's hardly proof of wrongdoing!
Jones: Yet we found your sunscreen on the badge, which you tore off the Mayor's clothes as you struggled with her!
Ernest (sweating): It's a sunny day! Everyone is wearing sunscreen!
Jones: Feeling a bit hot, Dr Emerson? You also left your sweat on the toolbox from which you took the screwdriver you attacked Mayor Price with!
(Ernest sweats, embarrassed.)
Ernest: Fine, you got me, <Rank> <Name>! I killed Martha!
Jones: I don't get it! You killed her just because she wanted to have the Demon Fish destroyed?
Ernest: No, I killed her because she tried to stop me from releasing them back into the river!
Jones: You were trying to release the Demon Fish?! ... Wait, what do you mean "release them back into the river"?! So YOU'RE the one who blew a hole in that cavern wall to release the fish in the first place!
Ernest: Yes, it was me. <Rank> <Name>, you have to understand. I've dedicated my whole life proving that so-called "extinct" species still exist... ... So when I heard that an ancient city had been unearthed in my hometown, I knew straight away this might be my chance! And sure enough, while I was diving in the old Xerdan tunnels, I found a cavern filled with ancient fish!
Jones: So you found an ancient species that you knew nothing about, and you thought it'd be a good idea to release them into the city's water supply?!
Ernest: It was for science! But then you had to get involved and capture them, <Rank> <Name>!
Jones: Yes, because they were killing people!
Ernest: And is that reason enough to kill THEM?! When I heard Martha intended to have them exterminated, I knew I had to act! So I snuck into the facility. I knew the tanks were connected to a pipe system flowing straight back into the river, I just needed to unscrew the tank's filters and the fish would be free! But Martha walked in to me! She realized what I was doing, and tried to stop me! I grabbed that screwdriver to fend her off! But she wouldn't let go!
Jones: So you pushed her! You let her be eaten by the Demon Fish!
Ernest: It was a fitting end for her! Killed by the very creatures she wanted to murder! Unfortunately, I heard someone coming before I could release the fish, and I had to run away!
Jones: That's one small blessing! Dr Emerson, you're under arrest for the murder of Mayor Price! <Name>, let's wrap this up!
Misty Grove
Domesday
Jones: Dan Scruffinsky, you're under arrest for the murder of Fred Drucker!
Dan: Who, me? You're joking! I know I had some issues with the guy, but come on!
Jones: Yes, you did have issues with the victim. And you made sure no one would see how bad those issues are. You left multivitamin powder on the security camera you destroyed!
Dan: That platform is an open space and anyone under the dome might have destroyed the camera...
Jones: But would that person also happen to have a rash? You left cream for yours on the victim's tie when you grabbed him!
Dan (sweating): There have been reports of skin reactions to something in the air recycling system... we're working on it!
Jones: Good to know! But I'd be even more interested in knowing how fibers from your blue shirt ended up on the stun gun used to electrocute Drucker!
(Dan sweats, embarrassing.)
Dan: I KNEW I should have paid more attention when I got rid of that thing! Yes, I killed Fred Drucker! And boy, did that jerk have it coming!
Jones: Why were you fed up with his arrogance? Because that's no reason to kill a person!
Dan: Drucker being a jerk, I could handle! But he was going to tell Rozetta that I wasn't taking good enough care of my baby, my dome! It was nothing but lies! But it would be his word against mine, and I know she would've believed him and fired me!
Jones: And why would Drucker have tried to get you fired, Mr Scruffinsky?
Dan: He wanted me out of the way so that Rozetta would put him in charge of the whole dome! MY DOME! Once he convinced her, I would be terminated! Banished from my dome forever!
Jones: And, in the end, that's going to happen anyway! You're under arrest!
Things Fall ApartDan: Who, me? You're joking! I know I had some issues with the guy, but come on!
Jones: Yes, you did have issues with the victim. And you made sure no one would see how bad those issues are. You left multivitamin powder on the security camera you destroyed!
Dan: That platform is an open space and anyone under the dome might have destroyed the camera...
Jones: But would that person also happen to have a rash? You left cream for yours on the victim's tie when you grabbed him!
Dan (sweating): There have been reports of skin reactions to something in the air recycling system... we're working on it!
Jones: Good to know! But I'd be even more interested in knowing how fibers from your blue shirt ended up on the stun gun used to electrocute Drucker!
(Dan sweats, embarrassing.)
Dan: I KNEW I should have paid more attention when I got rid of that thing! Yes, I killed Fred Drucker! And boy, did that jerk have it coming!
Jones: Why were you fed up with his arrogance? Because that's no reason to kill a person!
Dan: Drucker being a jerk, I could handle! But he was going to tell Rozetta that I wasn't taking good enough care of my baby, my dome! It was nothing but lies! But it would be his word against mine, and I know she would've believed him and fired me!
Jones: And why would Drucker have tried to get you fired, Mr Scruffinsky?
Dan: He wanted me out of the way so that Rozetta would put him in charge of the whole dome! MY DOME! Once he convinced her, I would be terminated! Banished from my dome forever!
Jones: And, in the end, that's going to happen anyway! You're under arrest!
Jones: Dr Kelly, we know you killed Dr Pickering... or should I say, Rupert Winchester!\\ When did you figure out he was part of the police? Before or after you decided to kill him?
Catherine: What? Who! I didn't kill anyone! Who's this Rupert?
Jones: Don't take us for fools! You ripped his fake beard off! You even left traces of your sleeping pills on it!
Catherine: Just WHAT are you talking about, <Rank> <Name>? Maybe your time under the dome has made you paranoid. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.
Jones: You mean, paranoid like you? You smashed Rupert's watch to be sure we wouldn't hear you kill him!
Catherine: I'm telling you, I did not kill Pickering, or whoever he was!
Jones: Dr Kelly, we've got your DNA. We've got your handprint on the murder weapon. Let's stop this little game.
(Catherine stands, speechless.)
Catherine: Alright. Yes, I killed him. From the second this so-called Pickering got under the dome, I knew something was off. He didn't act the way I remembered!
Jones: The way you remembered... Wait, you're saying you knew Pickering before he came here?
Catherine: Yes. We dated, back in Oxford. We didn't stay together long, but long enough for him to remember me... except he had no idea who I was!
(Jones stands, speechless.)
Catherine: I didn't say anything at first. I thought the therapy sessions would help me understand what was going on. But he kept canceling them! And then I remembered that silly game Pickering would play with one of his friends, back in Oxford! They'd pretend to be one another to confuse teachers! And it all became clear! This was not Mortimer Pickering! This was that Winchester fellow! He was lying to everyone!
Jones: So you went to his bedroom to confront him.
Catherine: Yes, and found him talking into his watch. Talking to you! I was furious! I stomped on his watch, demanded he tell me the truth! But he kept saying he was Pickering!
Jones: So you tore off his beard. But then you went one step further and sprayed him with lethal gas!
Catherine: He was a TRAITOR! He was threatening everything great that is being done under this dome by reporting to the police! I HAD to stop him!
Jones: You killed a police officer in cold blood! Do you even realize what you've done?! You don't have any remorse, do you?
Catherine: I don't. I'd do it again if I needed to.
Jones: Well, you'll get the punishment you deserve. You're under arrest for Rupert's murder!
A Rock and a Hard PlaceCatherine: What? Who! I didn't kill anyone! Who's this Rupert?
Jones: Don't take us for fools! You ripped his fake beard off! You even left traces of your sleeping pills on it!
Catherine: Just WHAT are you talking about, <Rank> <Name>? Maybe your time under the dome has made you paranoid. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened.
Jones: You mean, paranoid like you? You smashed Rupert's watch to be sure we wouldn't hear you kill him!
Catherine: I'm telling you, I did not kill Pickering, or whoever he was!
Jones: Dr Kelly, we've got your DNA. We've got your handprint on the murder weapon. Let's stop this little game.
(Catherine stands, speechless.)
Catherine: Alright. Yes, I killed him. From the second this so-called Pickering got under the dome, I knew something was off. He didn't act the way I remembered!
Jones: The way you remembered... Wait, you're saying you knew Pickering before he came here?
Catherine: Yes. We dated, back in Oxford. We didn't stay together long, but long enough for him to remember me... except he had no idea who I was!
(Jones stands, speechless.)
Catherine: I didn't say anything at first. I thought the therapy sessions would help me understand what was going on. But he kept canceling them! And then I remembered that silly game Pickering would play with one of his friends, back in Oxford! They'd pretend to be one another to confuse teachers! And it all became clear! This was not Mortimer Pickering! This was that Winchester fellow! He was lying to everyone!
Jones: So you went to his bedroom to confront him.
Catherine: Yes, and found him talking into his watch. Talking to you! I was furious! I stomped on his watch, demanded he tell me the truth! But he kept saying he was Pickering!
Jones: So you tore off his beard. But then you went one step further and sprayed him with lethal gas!
Catherine: He was a TRAITOR! He was threatening everything great that is being done under this dome by reporting to the police! I HAD to stop him!
Jones: You killed a police officer in cold blood! Do you even realize what you've done?! You don't have any remorse, do you?
Catherine: I don't. I'd do it again if I needed to.
Jones: Well, you'll get the punishment you deserve. You're under arrest for Rupert's murder!
Gloria: Cyril Shelwater, you're under arrest for the murder of Barb Bellamy!
Cyril: What? You're blaming me for Bellamy's murder? You're as quick to point fingers as she was!
Gloria: Speaking of fingers, yours were still covered in baking soda when you held Bellamy down!
Cyril: This is a scientific facility! Everyone here uses baking soda!
Gloria: You know, for a janitor, you've been pretty sloppy. You've left blood-stained clues all over the place!
Cyril: I'd like to see you try to keep this place spotless yourself! In any case, littering doesn't make me a murderer.
Gloria: Stop lying! We know that you actively tried to get rid of evidence! But <Rank> <Name> found your magazine, and your glasses cleaner on it! Mr Shelwater, the jig is up! Just confess! What could possibly have compelled you to cut that woman's head off?!
Cyril: Okay, you got me! I confess! I cut off Bellamy's head! But this would never have happened if Bellamy hadn't interrupted my personal business with the meteorite!
Gloria: Your... "personal business" with the meteorite? What are you talking about?
Cyril: I wanted to absorb the meteorite's power! <Rank> <Name>, I KNOW that thing is powerful! Otherwise DreamLife wouldn't have built this whole place to study it! Ever since that meteorite fell in the forest a year ago, I just FELT like something amazing was going to happen! There was a short story in Wondrous Worlds about a crystal meteorite that gave a guy superpowers. When I first caught a glimpse of DreamLife's meteorite on my rounds, I knew it had to have magical properties too! I just had to wrap my arms around it and feel the energy zap through me! Then I wouldn't be the same Cyril Shelwater anymore! I would be transformed!
Gloria: Transformed? How was the meteorite supposed to "transform" you?
Cyril: Well, I didn't get to find out! Bellamy walked in on me just as I embraced it! There wasn't enough time to absorb its energy! She tried to pull me away from it! I couldn't let her get in the way, so I grabbed the nearest thing I could find...
Gloria: And you cut her head off?
Cyril: Yes, what else could I have done? The worst thing is that I don't even know if that brief contact with the meteorite was enough to transform me!
Gloria: Mr Shelwater, I think it's safe to say that the "worst thing" is the murder you committed! You're under arrest!
Death in my HandCyril: What? You're blaming me for Bellamy's murder? You're as quick to point fingers as she was!
Gloria: Speaking of fingers, yours were still covered in baking soda when you held Bellamy down!
Cyril: This is a scientific facility! Everyone here uses baking soda!
Gloria: You know, for a janitor, you've been pretty sloppy. You've left blood-stained clues all over the place!
Cyril: I'd like to see you try to keep this place spotless yourself! In any case, littering doesn't make me a murderer.
Gloria: Stop lying! We know that you actively tried to get rid of evidence! But <Rank> <Name> found your magazine, and your glasses cleaner on it! Mr Shelwater, the jig is up! Just confess! What could possibly have compelled you to cut that woman's head off?!
Cyril: Okay, you got me! I confess! I cut off Bellamy's head! But this would never have happened if Bellamy hadn't interrupted my personal business with the meteorite!
Gloria: Your... "personal business" with the meteorite? What are you talking about?
Cyril: I wanted to absorb the meteorite's power! <Rank> <Name>, I KNOW that thing is powerful! Otherwise DreamLife wouldn't have built this whole place to study it! Ever since that meteorite fell in the forest a year ago, I just FELT like something amazing was going to happen! There was a short story in Wondrous Worlds about a crystal meteorite that gave a guy superpowers. When I first caught a glimpse of DreamLife's meteorite on my rounds, I knew it had to have magical properties too! I just had to wrap my arms around it and feel the energy zap through me! Then I wouldn't be the same Cyril Shelwater anymore! I would be transformed!
Gloria: Transformed? How was the meteorite supposed to "transform" you?
Cyril: Well, I didn't get to find out! Bellamy walked in on me just as I embraced it! There wasn't enough time to absorb its energy! She tried to pull me away from it! I couldn't let her get in the way, so I grabbed the nearest thing I could find...
Gloria: And you cut her head off?
Cyril: Yes, what else could I have done? The worst thing is that I don't even know if that brief contact with the meteorite was enough to transform me!
Gloria: Mr Shelwater, I think it's safe to say that the "worst thing" is the murder you committed! You're under arrest!
Jones: Zoe?! You... murdered Dr Vega? But... No, <Name>, I won't believe it!
Zoe: David... <Name> is right. I can't lie anymore. You must've found my hiking boot, left behind in that tunnel.
Jones: But... I... don't understand! It can't be you! You weren't the only one wearing those boots!
Zoe: What about that handkerchief... my skin cells must've been all over it!
Jones: Yes, we... found your skin cells , and other clues that point to you... but...
Zoe (crying): And surely you found the rock I used to... kill Dr Vega...
(Zoe cries.)
Zoe (crying): You're a good cop, <Name>. You know in your heart the evidence points to me! I should've confessed straight away, David. But I was scared! Now, I just want it to be over.
Jones: But... why, Zoe? Why would you commit murder?
Zoe (crying): Because I finally remembered everything! I know what happened to me when I disappeared, and it was all Dr Vega's fault!
Jones: What? How?
Zoe (crying): I really did go to the dome to jog my memory. And while I was taking photos, I saw Dr Vega coming out. I recognized him immediately! The moment I saw Vega's face, the memories came flooding back!
Jones: Memories of what? I don't understand any of this!
Zoe (crying): Memories of scientific experiments, under the dome! Dr Vega used me as a test subject!
Jones: A test subject? DreamLife experimented on you? You're saying... they're running human experimentation under the dome?
Zoe (crying): Yes! I remember being strapped down, given injections... ... And all the while, it was Dr Vega performing these experiments! I can't tell you the suffering I went through, <Name>!
Jones (crying): Oh, Zoe...
Zoe (crying): I never spoke with Dr Vega at the security checkpoint, I lied about giving him my number. He must've had it to keep tabs on me all these months. But I did follow him to the lake, to confront him about what I'd remembered! He just laughed, saying nobody would believe a crazy woman who'd lost her memory! That's when I snapped! The rage and frustration of the past year exploded in a single instant! I grabbed that rock, and... beat him until he was dead! I didn't plan on murdering him, <Name>. You must believe me! But after I had, I panicked, hiding the evidence in that nearby tunnel!
Jones: Zoe... this is so much to take in... I'm so sorry, but <Name> has no choice but to place you under arrest.
In Cold BloodZoe: David... <Name> is right. I can't lie anymore. You must've found my hiking boot, left behind in that tunnel.
Jones: But... I... don't understand! It can't be you! You weren't the only one wearing those boots!
Zoe: What about that handkerchief... my skin cells must've been all over it!
Jones: Yes, we... found your skin cells , and other clues that point to you... but...
Zoe (crying): And surely you found the rock I used to... kill Dr Vega...
(Zoe cries.)
Zoe (crying): You're a good cop, <Name>. You know in your heart the evidence points to me! I should've confessed straight away, David. But I was scared! Now, I just want it to be over.
Jones: But... why, Zoe? Why would you commit murder?
Zoe (crying): Because I finally remembered everything! I know what happened to me when I disappeared, and it was all Dr Vega's fault!
Jones: What? How?
Zoe (crying): I really did go to the dome to jog my memory. And while I was taking photos, I saw Dr Vega coming out. I recognized him immediately! The moment I saw Vega's face, the memories came flooding back!
Jones: Memories of what? I don't understand any of this!
Zoe (crying): Memories of scientific experiments, under the dome! Dr Vega used me as a test subject!
Jones: A test subject? DreamLife experimented on you? You're saying... they're running human experimentation under the dome?
Zoe (crying): Yes! I remember being strapped down, given injections... ... And all the while, it was Dr Vega performing these experiments! I can't tell you the suffering I went through, <Name>!
Jones (crying): Oh, Zoe...
Zoe (crying): I never spoke with Dr Vega at the security checkpoint, I lied about giving him my number. He must've had it to keep tabs on me all these months. But I did follow him to the lake, to confront him about what I'd remembered! He just laughed, saying nobody would believe a crazy woman who'd lost her memory! That's when I snapped! The rage and frustration of the past year exploded in a single instant! I grabbed that rock, and... beat him until he was dead! I didn't plan on murdering him, <Name>. You must believe me! But after I had, I panicked, hiding the evidence in that nearby tunnel!
Jones: Zoe... this is so much to take in... I'm so sorry, but <Name> has no choice but to place you under arrest.
Gloria (showing her badge): Rosie Summers, you're under arrest for the murder of Wendy Stokes!
Rosie: <Rank> <Name>, I couldn't hurt a flower, let alone a human!
Gloria: Ms Summers, your lies are as flaky as your scalp, which is why we found your dandruff all over the victim!
Rosie: Everyone's got skin issues under this stuffy dome!
Gloria: So, what was your lipstick doing in the glass of iced tea we found at the crime scene?
Rosie (sweating): I ... I can't explain that...
Gloria: Look, we found your DNA on the nitrogen gun you used to turn your boss into a lifeless chunk of ice! Time to confess, Rosie!
(Rosie stands, speechless.)
Rosie: Alright, I did it - I killed Dr Stokes! But I never meant to do it!
Gloria: You didn't "mean" to kill her? Then how did it happen?
Rosie: <Rank> <Name>, let me start from the beginning. Earlier today, I got a memo from the personnel department saying there was a new job opening. I'd been freaking out about losing my job when Dr Stokes left, so I put myself forward right away! They told me to go to Lab 88-B for my interview. There were a bunch of scientists waiting there.
Gloria: Did you recognize any of them?
Rosie: No - they were all wearing surgical masks! They told me to lie back on the chair and drink a glass of iced tea. I was desperate for a job so I did what they asked. As soon as I finished the drink, I felt myself drifting off... When I woke up, one of the masked scientists thrust a strange gun in my hands! I was feeling a bit woozy, but I took the gun anyway. Then they called Dr Stokes in and told me to shoot her!
Gloria: And so you... just did it?
(Rosie cries.)
Rosie: I can't explain it, <Rank> <Name>! I just remember feeling very calm... like shooting someone was the most normal thing in the world! But as soon as I saw Dr Stokes' frozen corpse, I felt the horror of what I'd just done! I ran to her but the scientists pulled me away, told me I'd done a good job, and sent me back to my greenhouse! I know I should've confessed, but I was worried that you wouldn't believe me... I wouldn't believe me either!
Gloria: Well, this is certainly a very strange story, Ms Summers, but the evidence speaks for itself. You're under arrest for the murder of Wendy Stokes!
Rosie (crying): I loved my boss and I would never kill anyone! I just don't understand it!
Up In FlamesRosie: <Rank> <Name>, I couldn't hurt a flower, let alone a human!
Gloria: Ms Summers, your lies are as flaky as your scalp, which is why we found your dandruff all over the victim!
Rosie: Everyone's got skin issues under this stuffy dome!
Gloria: So, what was your lipstick doing in the glass of iced tea we found at the crime scene?
Rosie (sweating): I ... I can't explain that...
Gloria: Look, we found your DNA on the nitrogen gun you used to turn your boss into a lifeless chunk of ice! Time to confess, Rosie!
(Rosie stands, speechless.)
Rosie: Alright, I did it - I killed Dr Stokes! But I never meant to do it!
Gloria: You didn't "mean" to kill her? Then how did it happen?
Rosie: <Rank> <Name>, let me start from the beginning. Earlier today, I got a memo from the personnel department saying there was a new job opening. I'd been freaking out about losing my job when Dr Stokes left, so I put myself forward right away! They told me to go to Lab 88-B for my interview. There were a bunch of scientists waiting there.
Gloria: Did you recognize any of them?
Rosie: No - they were all wearing surgical masks! They told me to lie back on the chair and drink a glass of iced tea. I was desperate for a job so I did what they asked. As soon as I finished the drink, I felt myself drifting off... When I woke up, one of the masked scientists thrust a strange gun in my hands! I was feeling a bit woozy, but I took the gun anyway. Then they called Dr Stokes in and told me to shoot her!
Gloria: And so you... just did it?
(Rosie cries.)
Rosie: I can't explain it, <Rank> <Name>! I just remember feeling very calm... like shooting someone was the most normal thing in the world! But as soon as I saw Dr Stokes' frozen corpse, I felt the horror of what I'd just done! I ran to her but the scientists pulled me away, told me I'd done a good job, and sent me back to my greenhouse! I know I should've confessed, but I was worried that you wouldn't believe me... I wouldn't believe me either!
Gloria: Well, this is certainly a very strange story, Ms Summers, but the evidence speaks for itself. You're under arrest for the murder of Wendy Stokes!
Rosie (crying): I loved my boss and I would never kill anyone! I just don't understand it!
Gloria: Mr Fuller, you're under arrest for the murder of Tony Marconi! How could you set your own father on fire and leave him to die?!
Emilio: What are you talking about, <Rank> <Name>? Sure, I had issues with the guy. But I'm no killer!
Gloria: Then why did we find your dark chocolate on his necklace, which you ripped off as you struggled with him?
Emilio: Come on, <Rank> <Name>! Many people eat dark chocolate - it's full of antioxidants!
Gloria: But not everybody has the chemistry knowledge to make the Molotov cocktail that killed Marconi!
Emilio: It doesn't require a PHD in chemistry either! Anyone could've done it!
Gloria: But only YOU left traces of your blood in the glove you used to handle the Molotov cocktail, Mr Fuller! Stop lying to us!
(Emilio stands, speechless.)
Emilio: Fine, you got me! I killed Marconi, that loser who dared call himself my father!
Gloria: Is that why you killed him? Because you wanted him to stop trying to reconnect with you?
Emilio: Hardly! I did it because he tried to stop me from fulfilling DreamLife's plans! Marconi had been desperately trying to contact me for weeks, to warn me that DreamLife was doing something shady and that I needed to get out. Only someone with a mobster's simple mind would see DreamLife's work as "shady"! It's revolutionary! Protozane will change the world!
Gloria: So you were aware of that mind-altering serum all along! And you were happy to strip people of their free will?!
Emilio: You've got minds as small as Marconi's! Don't you understand the scientific breakthroughs involved? And I, I helped make them! I worked with the Berzelium myself! Of course, none of that meant anything to my useless father. When he realized you were storming the dome, he tried to come to my rescue. Marconi appeared as I was packing up the Protozane for shipping, and told me we needed to leave... That he'd force me at gunpoint if he had to! I knew I couldn't overpower a guy his size, so I agreed... I pretended he'd finally got through to me. But I suggested we take things a step further... I said we should blow up the drugs I helped make, so I wouldn't have them on my "conscience"! He fell for it and let me make a Molotov cocktail. It was never meant for the drugs, of course. He realized what I was doing, but it was too late. There was a brief struggle, I pushed him and then I threw the bottle!
Gloria: So, your father came to save you, and you exploited his love to trick and murder him?!
Emilio: What has that gangster's love ever done for me, except hold me back? It felt good to watch him burn! He's finally gone from my life forever!
Gloria: You keep calling your father a gangster, but you're worse than he ever was! You're under arrest for the murder of Tony Marconi!
Emilio: What are you talking about, <Rank> <Name>? Sure, I had issues with the guy. But I'm no killer!
Gloria: Then why did we find your dark chocolate on his necklace, which you ripped off as you struggled with him?
Emilio: Come on, <Rank> <Name>! Many people eat dark chocolate - it's full of antioxidants!
Gloria: But not everybody has the chemistry knowledge to make the Molotov cocktail that killed Marconi!
Emilio: It doesn't require a PHD in chemistry either! Anyone could've done it!
Gloria: But only YOU left traces of your blood in the glove you used to handle the Molotov cocktail, Mr Fuller! Stop lying to us!
(Emilio stands, speechless.)
Emilio: Fine, you got me! I killed Marconi, that loser who dared call himself my father!
Gloria: Is that why you killed him? Because you wanted him to stop trying to reconnect with you?
Emilio: Hardly! I did it because he tried to stop me from fulfilling DreamLife's plans! Marconi had been desperately trying to contact me for weeks, to warn me that DreamLife was doing something shady and that I needed to get out. Only someone with a mobster's simple mind would see DreamLife's work as "shady"! It's revolutionary! Protozane will change the world!
Gloria: So you were aware of that mind-altering serum all along! And you were happy to strip people of their free will?!
Emilio: You've got minds as small as Marconi's! Don't you understand the scientific breakthroughs involved? And I, I helped make them! I worked with the Berzelium myself! Of course, none of that meant anything to my useless father. When he realized you were storming the dome, he tried to come to my rescue. Marconi appeared as I was packing up the Protozane for shipping, and told me we needed to leave... That he'd force me at gunpoint if he had to! I knew I couldn't overpower a guy his size, so I agreed... I pretended he'd finally got through to me. But I suggested we take things a step further... I said we should blow up the drugs I helped make, so I wouldn't have them on my "conscience"! He fell for it and let me make a Molotov cocktail. It was never meant for the drugs, of course. He realized what I was doing, but it was too late. There was a brief struggle, I pushed him and then I threw the bottle!
Gloria: So, your father came to save you, and you exploited his love to trick and murder him?!
Emilio: What has that gangster's love ever done for me, except hold me back? It felt good to watch him burn! He's finally gone from my life forever!
Gloria: You keep calling your father a gangster, but you're worse than he ever was! You're under arrest for the murder of Tony Marconi!
University
Final Cut
Gloria: Toby Hansen, you're under arrest for the murder of Cindy McMinn!
Toby: Why would I kill the Final Girl of my own slasher film?
Gloria: You did say you were fed up with her stalling the production... You even threatened her!
Toby: Whatever. Cindy was popular, and that means that she got a few threats from idiots!
Gloria: Well, I guess you're an idiot, then! You thought tearing up your mask would fool us, but <Rank> <Name> found it!
Toby: Yeah, right. Sure... And I'll remind you that Sally Hooper played the killer in the movie, not me.
Gloria: But it was your DNA we found on the contact lenses Cindy's killer wore! Time to stop lying, Toby, we have the footage of the murder!
Toby: You have the footage?! I need it back!
(Toby stands, speechless.)
Toby: FINE! I did kill Cindy!
Gloria: Why? Just because she was a pain on the set?
Toby: No, I could handle that. But she was going to transfer to another university! I would never have been able to re-shoot the entire movie to replace her! Everything would have been ruined! Then it clicked. If Cindy was leaving, I might as well kill her! I would film the most realistic death scene in all of horror cinema... because it'd be real!
Gloria: You mean you filmed her murder on purpose?!
Toby: Of course! I told her to meet me on campus. I said we had to talk. Then you know the rest.
Gloria: Yes, we saw... it was horrific and brutal and-
Toby: It was PERFECTION! The most intense slasher death in the history of the genre! That's what everyone will say when they see it!
Gloria: No, Toby. No one outside the legal system will ever see that footage. No film festivals for you. You're under arrest!
Pain in the NeckToby: Why would I kill the Final Girl of my own slasher film?
Gloria: You did say you were fed up with her stalling the production... You even threatened her!
Toby: Whatever. Cindy was popular, and that means that she got a few threats from idiots!
Gloria: Well, I guess you're an idiot, then! You thought tearing up your mask would fool us, but <Rank> <Name> found it!
Toby: Yeah, right. Sure... And I'll remind you that Sally Hooper played the killer in the movie, not me.
Gloria: But it was your DNA we found on the contact lenses Cindy's killer wore! Time to stop lying, Toby, we have the footage of the murder!
Toby: You have the footage?! I need it back!
(Toby stands, speechless.)
Toby: FINE! I did kill Cindy!
Gloria: Why? Just because she was a pain on the set?
Toby: No, I could handle that. But she was going to transfer to another university! I would never have been able to re-shoot the entire movie to replace her! Everything would have been ruined! Then it clicked. If Cindy was leaving, I might as well kill her! I would film the most realistic death scene in all of horror cinema... because it'd be real!
Gloria: You mean you filmed her murder on purpose?!
Toby: Of course! I told her to meet me on campus. I said we had to talk. Then you know the rest.
Gloria: Yes, we saw... it was horrific and brutal and-
Toby: It was PERFECTION! The most intense slasher death in the history of the genre! That's what everyone will say when they see it!
Gloria: No, Toby. No one outside the legal system will ever see that footage. No film festivals for you. You're under arrest!
Jones: Mrs Narcisse, you are under arrest for your husband's murder!
Isabella: What are you saying? I wouldn't ever want to hurt René! I told you, we were happy. We were going to live out the rest of our days together, hand in hand.
Jones: And yet you used your left hand to bring him down...
Isabella: That's horrible, <Rank> <Name>! What must you think of me to imagine I would do such a thing!
Jones: Maybe YOU didn't think you would, since you wrote a message full of regret. In the style of your favorite game, Counter Compassion. Your subconscious led us right to you!
Isabella: <Rank> <Name>, you're the one who seems to be playing a wicked game with me! I take life more seriously.
Jones: You also take your body art seriously. We found your tattoo cream on the murder weapon! Confess, Mrs Narcisse, we know it was you!
(Isabella sweats, embarrassed.)
Isabella: Fine, <Rank> <Name>. I did kill him! But I swear I didn't mean to! You already know how my husband and I had disagreements about family finances. He wanted to be in charge, and always pestered me about my spending... But this morning I checked our savings account, and I saw that he had lost all our money!
Jones: What?! How did he do that?
Isabella: He thought he was so smart... He played the stock market, and invested in all the wrong things! All his big talk about saving money. All those efforts made preparing for our retirement... It was all for nothing! Everything I had worked for was gone! I came to the campus to confront him, but he refused to apologize. He started getting upset and said I could try being more understanding. Me! More understanding! I've dealt with the man for 35 years, and he thinks I could be MORE understanding! I just couldn't take it anymore! I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on, and stabbed him... I... I hardly knew what I was doing! Next thing I know, I'm at the viewpoint, with his glasses... when I realize... I realize I killed him!
Jones: And now it's time for you to face the consequences of your actions. Mrs Narcisse, you are under arrest!
DeadeyeIsabella: What are you saying? I wouldn't ever want to hurt René! I told you, we were happy. We were going to live out the rest of our days together, hand in hand.
Jones: And yet you used your left hand to bring him down...
Isabella: That's horrible, <Rank> <Name>! What must you think of me to imagine I would do such a thing!
Jones: Maybe YOU didn't think you would, since you wrote a message full of regret. In the style of your favorite game, Counter Compassion. Your subconscious led us right to you!
Isabella: <Rank> <Name>, you're the one who seems to be playing a wicked game with me! I take life more seriously.
Jones: You also take your body art seriously. We found your tattoo cream on the murder weapon! Confess, Mrs Narcisse, we know it was you!
(Isabella sweats, embarrassed.)
Isabella: Fine, <Rank> <Name>. I did kill him! But I swear I didn't mean to! You already know how my husband and I had disagreements about family finances. He wanted to be in charge, and always pestered me about my spending... But this morning I checked our savings account, and I saw that he had lost all our money!
Jones: What?! How did he do that?
Isabella: He thought he was so smart... He played the stock market, and invested in all the wrong things! All his big talk about saving money. All those efforts made preparing for our retirement... It was all for nothing! Everything I had worked for was gone! I came to the campus to confront him, but he refused to apologize. He started getting upset and said I could try being more understanding. Me! More understanding! I've dealt with the man for 35 years, and he thinks I could be MORE understanding! I just couldn't take it anymore! I grabbed the first thing I could get my hands on, and stabbed him... I... I hardly knew what I was doing! Next thing I know, I'm at the viewpoint, with his glasses... when I realize... I realize I killed him!
Jones: And now it's time for you to face the consequences of your actions. Mrs Narcisse, you are under arrest!
Gloria: Monica Pozie, you're under arrest for the murder of Sam De Witt!
Monica: What?! Why would I murder my own sorority sister?
Gloria: We found the air tank you tampered with to shoot her. It had some fibers from your camouflage caught in it.
Monica: How do you know it was MY camo? Plenty of other people wear camo, it's totally in right now!
Gloria: Well, you got Blast-Off Brew on your murder weapon, too. And you told us yourself that alcohol doesn't affect your good aim.
Monica: <Rank> <Name>, this is college, everybody drinks. And if our team wasn't good at shooting paintball guns, we wouldn't have made it to state last year!
Gloria: Monica, we found the marbles - one of which you used to shoot Sam in the eye! We know it was you!
(Monica stands, speechless.)
Monica: Okay, fine! I'll admit it! I shot Sam! But she was a thief! And she didn't just steal my things - Sam was trying to steal my sorority out from under me!
Gloria: Miss Pozie, how does one "steal" a sorority?
Monica: Look, I'm the chapter president. I'm the one these girls have to look up to for guidance! But they all went to Sam! She was just captain of the paintball team! What does she know about life? Nothing! I worked my way up in student government for years to be a respectable leader to my peers. And what has that gotten me? I coordinate the bake sales, the Greek cotillions, and the outdoor movie nights. But am I ever approached by my sisters for personal counsel? No! Sam's advice was so sought-after she practically had office hours! Girls lined up out her bedroom door to talk about their problems! When the next elections came around, Sam would surely take my seat as president. I had to get rid of her!
Gloria: And so you did it during the paintball match to throw suspicion onto the other team! Some example you are to your peers! Miss Pozie, you're under arrest!
Game, Set, MurderMonica: What?! Why would I murder my own sorority sister?
Gloria: We found the air tank you tampered with to shoot her. It had some fibers from your camouflage caught in it.
Monica: How do you know it was MY camo? Plenty of other people wear camo, it's totally in right now!
Gloria: Well, you got Blast-Off Brew on your murder weapon, too. And you told us yourself that alcohol doesn't affect your good aim.
Monica: <Rank> <Name>, this is college, everybody drinks. And if our team wasn't good at shooting paintball guns, we wouldn't have made it to state last year!
Gloria: Monica, we found the marbles - one of which you used to shoot Sam in the eye! We know it was you!
(Monica stands, speechless.)
Monica: Okay, fine! I'll admit it! I shot Sam! But she was a thief! And she didn't just steal my things - Sam was trying to steal my sorority out from under me!
Gloria: Miss Pozie, how does one "steal" a sorority?
Monica: Look, I'm the chapter president. I'm the one these girls have to look up to for guidance! But they all went to Sam! She was just captain of the paintball team! What does she know about life? Nothing! I worked my way up in student government for years to be a respectable leader to my peers. And what has that gotten me? I coordinate the bake sales, the Greek cotillions, and the outdoor movie nights. But am I ever approached by my sisters for personal counsel? No! Sam's advice was so sought-after she practically had office hours! Girls lined up out her bedroom door to talk about their problems! When the next elections came around, Sam would surely take my seat as president. I had to get rid of her!
Gloria: And so you did it during the paintball match to throw suspicion onto the other team! Some example you are to your peers! Miss Pozie, you're under arrest!
Jones: Gunnar Burns! You're under arrest for the cruel murder of Stephanie Griff!
Gunnar: Bah! I told you, I'm too busy to go around murdering students!
Jones: Well, you weren't too busy to murder Stephanie! You knocked her out with her own tennis racket after she finished practicing tonight!
Gunnar: Knocked her out? I dunno what you're talking about!
Jones: You know exactly what we're talking about! When she was unconscious, you restrained her and dragged her to the workshop! We found your plastic ties!
Gunnar: I'm a groundskeeper, <Rank> <Name>. I have all kinds of odds and ends like that. Doesn't make me a killer!
Jones: Stop lying, Burns! It's obvious you planned to kill Stephanie tonight, you even sent her a threat! We know you thought Stephanie was a diva, but did you really crush her skull for that?!
Gunnar: Of course I didn't kill her for being a diva! I wanted to make her talk! I needed to know how much she-
Gunnar (sweating): Uhh...
Jones: You needed to know what? What did you want Stephanie to talk about?
Gunnar: Nothing! It was nothing, <Rank> <Name>!
Jones: C'mon, Burns! You must've had a reason to commit such a brutal act. Why not get it off your chest now?
Gunnar: <Rank> <Name>, I've already admitted that I did it. I killed Stephanie Griff. I ain't saying anything more!
Jones: Then I'll do the talking. Gunnar Burns, you're under arrest for the murder of Stephanie Griff!
Trick or TreatGunnar: Bah! I told you, I'm too busy to go around murdering students!
Jones: Well, you weren't too busy to murder Stephanie! You knocked her out with her own tennis racket after she finished practicing tonight!
Gunnar: Knocked her out? I dunno what you're talking about!
Jones: You know exactly what we're talking about! When she was unconscious, you restrained her and dragged her to the workshop! We found your plastic ties!
Gunnar: I'm a groundskeeper, <Rank> <Name>. I have all kinds of odds and ends like that. Doesn't make me a killer!
Jones: Stop lying, Burns! It's obvious you planned to kill Stephanie tonight, you even sent her a threat! We know you thought Stephanie was a diva, but did you really crush her skull for that?!
Gunnar: Of course I didn't kill her for being a diva! I wanted to make her talk! I needed to know how much she-
Gunnar (sweating): Uhh...
Jones: You needed to know what? What did you want Stephanie to talk about?
Gunnar: Nothing! It was nothing, <Rank> <Name>!
Jones: C'mon, Burns! You must've had a reason to commit such a brutal act. Why not get it off your chest now?
Gunnar: <Rank> <Name>, I've already admitted that I did it. I killed Stephanie Griff. I ain't saying anything more!
Jones: Then I'll do the talking. Gunnar Burns, you're under arrest for the murder of Stephanie Griff!
Gloria (presenting her badge): Adrian Lynn, you're under arrest for the murder of your brother!
Adrian: Are you crazy? What the heck would make you think I'd murder Greg?
Gloria: Let's start with the threatening FriendNet message you sent him calling yourself Moonface Horrorshow, a character from a movie you know well...
Adrian: A Wind-Up Satsuma's a classic, and I'm not the only person who loves it!
Gloria: Then why did we discover your glitter all over the scythe you used to slice your brother apart?
Adrian: It's Halloween, <Rank> <Name>! Everyone's wearing glitter!
Gloria: Well, DNA doesn't lie, and we found yours all over the necklace you pulled off your brother while committing fratricide!
(Adrian stands, speechless.)
Adrian: Alright, fine. I did it... I killed my brother!
Gloria: Why would you do that? Just because he was mad at you for following him around too much?
Adrian: Why do you think I followed him around in the first place? It was all because of Polly!
Gloria: You... were in love with your brother's girlfriend?
Adrian: Don't call her his girlfriend! That dumb jerk didn't deserve her! <Rank> <Name>, all that sleazebag wanted was to get into Polly's pants! I couldn't let him treat my perfect girl in such a disgusting way! First, I tried to get Polly to leave Greg by declaring my undying love, but she didn't take me seriously. So, I knew I had to take more drastic measures!
Gloria: And so you killed him?!
Adrian: Yes! I live on a farm, so it was easy to find a scythe lying around. I added bandages to make it look like a Halloween prop, and no one looked at it twice! Then at the party, I lured Greg outside once everyone went in the house... and kapow! I sliced him apart. It was just too easy!
Gloria: Sounds like you enjoyed it! And what, you expected Polly to just fall into your arms once Greg was out of the way?
Adrian: Of course! Now she's free of that bonehead brother of mine, she'll finally see that I'm the one!
Gloria: Mr Lynn, I think YOU'LL finally see that this is not how love works. You're going to jail!
Lashing OutAdrian: Are you crazy? What the heck would make you think I'd murder Greg?
Gloria: Let's start with the threatening FriendNet message you sent him calling yourself Moonface Horrorshow, a character from a movie you know well...
Adrian: A Wind-Up Satsuma's a classic, and I'm not the only person who loves it!
Gloria: Then why did we discover your glitter all over the scythe you used to slice your brother apart?
Adrian: It's Halloween, <Rank> <Name>! Everyone's wearing glitter!
Gloria: Well, DNA doesn't lie, and we found yours all over the necklace you pulled off your brother while committing fratricide!
(Adrian stands, speechless.)
Adrian: Alright, fine. I did it... I killed my brother!
Gloria: Why would you do that? Just because he was mad at you for following him around too much?
Adrian: Why do you think I followed him around in the first place? It was all because of Polly!
Gloria: You... were in love with your brother's girlfriend?
Adrian: Don't call her his girlfriend! That dumb jerk didn't deserve her! <Rank> <Name>, all that sleazebag wanted was to get into Polly's pants! I couldn't let him treat my perfect girl in such a disgusting way! First, I tried to get Polly to leave Greg by declaring my undying love, but she didn't take me seriously. So, I knew I had to take more drastic measures!
Gloria: And so you killed him?!
Adrian: Yes! I live on a farm, so it was easy to find a scythe lying around. I added bandages to make it look like a Halloween prop, and no one looked at it twice! Then at the party, I lured Greg outside once everyone went in the house... and kapow! I sliced him apart. It was just too easy!
Gloria: Sounds like you enjoyed it! And what, you expected Polly to just fall into your arms once Greg was out of the way?
Adrian: Of course! Now she's free of that bonehead brother of mine, she'll finally see that I'm the one!
Gloria: Mr Lynn, I think YOU'LL finally see that this is not how love works. You're going to jail!
Jones: Ms O'Brien, you're under arrest for the murder of Professor Charles!
Polly: Me? You got it all wrong, <Rank> <Name>. I didn't even really know the professor!
Jones: The rope you claimed to have bought for a craft project turned up on the crime scene! You used it, and your knot-making skills, to tie the Professor to the trees!
Polly: I told you, the rope went missing days ago! I had nothing to do with the murder!
Jones: What about the whip we found in the cave? We know you touched it - you left traces of your instant ramen on it!
Polly: I couldn't whip someone to death, <Rank> <Name>! I don't even work out!
Jones: Give it up, Ms O'Brien! We found your DNA on the bottle of chloroform used in the murder! We know you're part of Ad Astra, and that you killed Professor Charles on Rozetta's orders!
(Polly stands, speechless.)
Polly: Okay, fine. I admit everything. I killed the Professor exactly like you said. I ambushed him in his office with chloroform, dragged him unconscious to the forest and whipped him to death!
Jones: And how exactly did you manage to drag his unconscious body to the forest, when you've just told us you don't even work out?
Polly: I see you fell for my innocent act, <Rank> <Name>. A common mistake most people make. Just be careful not to underestimate me. Look what happened to my boyfriend. He annoyed me... and oops, now he's dead.
Jones: And what about the professor? What exactly did he do to annoy Rozetta?
Polly: Who knows? She probably just had some old grudge against him. It's none of my concern. All I know is that when she tasked Ad Astra with this mission, I was certain that I was the best person to pull it off!
Jones: And what about Lucius? Did he make a false confession because he's in Ad Astra, too?
Polly: Lucius? He was probably just conducting one of his experiments on you. I bet he doesn't even know it was me who killed the professor! Admit it, <Rank> <Name>. You didn't expect it to be me either, do you?
Jones: You seem almost proud of your despicable actions!
Polly: Well, the most stressful part is over, now that you've caught me. So I might as well revel in all the attention this is going to bring me!
Jones: Suit yourself, Ms O'Brien! You're under arrest for the murder of Professor Charles!
Polly: Me? You got it all wrong, <Rank> <Name>. I didn't even really know the professor!
Jones: The rope you claimed to have bought for a craft project turned up on the crime scene! You used it, and your knot-making skills, to tie the Professor to the trees!
Polly: I told you, the rope went missing days ago! I had nothing to do with the murder!
Jones: What about the whip we found in the cave? We know you touched it - you left traces of your instant ramen on it!
Polly: I couldn't whip someone to death, <Rank> <Name>! I don't even work out!
Jones: Give it up, Ms O'Brien! We found your DNA on the bottle of chloroform used in the murder! We know you're part of Ad Astra, and that you killed Professor Charles on Rozetta's orders!
(Polly stands, speechless.)
Polly: Okay, fine. I admit everything. I killed the Professor exactly like you said. I ambushed him in his office with chloroform, dragged him unconscious to the forest and whipped him to death!
Jones: And how exactly did you manage to drag his unconscious body to the forest, when you've just told us you don't even work out?
Polly: I see you fell for my innocent act, <Rank> <Name>. A common mistake most people make. Just be careful not to underestimate me. Look what happened to my boyfriend. He annoyed me... and oops, now he's dead.
Jones: And what about the professor? What exactly did he do to annoy Rozetta?
Polly: Who knows? She probably just had some old grudge against him. It's none of my concern. All I know is that when she tasked Ad Astra with this mission, I was certain that I was the best person to pull it off!
Jones: And what about Lucius? Did he make a false confession because he's in Ad Astra, too?
Polly: Lucius? He was probably just conducting one of his experiments on you. I bet he doesn't even know it was me who killed the professor! Admit it, <Rank> <Name>. You didn't expect it to be me either, do you?
Jones: You seem almost proud of your despicable actions!
Polly: Well, the most stressful part is over, now that you've caught me. So I might as well revel in all the attention this is going to bring me!
Jones: Suit yourself, Ms O'Brien! You're under arrest for the murder of Professor Charles!
Spring Fields
Fields of Murder
Gloria: Mr Mays, you're under arrest for the murder of Deputy McGuff!
Cody: What? I've been busy this whole time trying to put out a fire! You think I have time to kill somebody?
Gloria: Well, you found time to learn how to make a micro sawed-off shotgun from The Almanac!
Cody: Oh, come on now, y'all! Everyone in Spring Fields reads The Almanac!
Gloria: But not everyone left shotgun shells on the crime scene! You did! And they were stained with your nicotine gum!
Cody: I'm not the only person in the world trying to quit smoking...
Gloria: While you're at it, you should try to quit lying, too! We found your gun! And there was soot on it - just like the soot on you! Admit it, Mays! You killed the deputy! Was it because he wouldn't forget about your past conviction?
Cody: What? No, that's ridiculous! I killed McGuff because he saw me-
(Cody stands, speechless.)
Gloria: Because he "saw you"? What did the deputy see you do, Mr Mays?
Cody: Alright, you city cops sure are smart... I admit everything! I killed McGuff because he saw me set the corn on fire.
Gloria: You set fire to the corn?! To your own fields? Why?
Cody: I was paid to do it! They told me not to leave any witnesses!
Gloria: Who are "they", Cody? Who paid you to commit both arson and murder?
Cody: I... I don't know! With these kinda folks, you don't ask questions. I needed the money to start over somewhere new, somewhere nobody'd care what I'd done in the past! I thought this was my ticket out. I didn't think twice!
Gloria: Well, you should have gotten out while you still could. You're under arrest for the murder of Deputy Gus McGuff.
A Crime Like No UdderCody: What? I've been busy this whole time trying to put out a fire! You think I have time to kill somebody?
Gloria: Well, you found time to learn how to make a micro sawed-off shotgun from The Almanac!
Cody: Oh, come on now, y'all! Everyone in Spring Fields reads The Almanac!
Gloria: But not everyone left shotgun shells on the crime scene! You did! And they were stained with your nicotine gum!
Cody: I'm not the only person in the world trying to quit smoking...
Gloria: While you're at it, you should try to quit lying, too! We found your gun! And there was soot on it - just like the soot on you! Admit it, Mays! You killed the deputy! Was it because he wouldn't forget about your past conviction?
Cody: What? No, that's ridiculous! I killed McGuff because he saw me-
(Cody stands, speechless.)
Gloria: Because he "saw you"? What did the deputy see you do, Mr Mays?
Cody: Alright, you city cops sure are smart... I admit everything! I killed McGuff because he saw me set the corn on fire.
Gloria: You set fire to the corn?! To your own fields? Why?
Cody: I was paid to do it! They told me not to leave any witnesses!
Gloria: Who are "they", Cody? Who paid you to commit both arson and murder?
Cody: I... I don't know! With these kinda folks, you don't ask questions. I needed the money to start over somewhere new, somewhere nobody'd care what I'd done in the past! I thought this was my ticket out. I didn't think twice!
Gloria: Well, you should have gotten out while you still could. You're under arrest for the murder of Deputy Gus McGuff.
Jones: Ms Shropshire, you're under arrest! We know you're the one who killed Debby Gideon!
Tallulah: Me? Kill Debby? <Rank> <Name>, I wouldn't hurt a wee fly!
Jones: We know you sent Debby a message that was stained from your pickup truck!
Tallulah: <Rank> <Name>, your accusation has more holes than Swiss cheese! I may have pushed Debby away when she wanted to become friends again, but that's all!
Jones: Right, like you pushed her necklace out of the way to brand her chest. We found traces of switchel on the body where you touched her.
Tallulah: What I drink is irrelevant. I find it strange of you to bring it up as an evidence against me!
Jones: Enough! We found your skin cells on the iron you branded the victim with after you murdered her with a cattle bolt! Why did you do it? Was it really all because of an old grudge? You couldn't get over her stealing your boyfriend?
Tallulah: Get over it? <Rank> <Name>, Debby did it all over again!
(Tallulah stands, speechless.)
Tallulah: I might as well tell you. Yes, I killed Debby! That lass kept taking all the men from me! A year ago I started going to church. I met Father Sheppard, and was soon helping him in his community outreach. He's such a kind man. And a very good listener! The hours I spent confessing to him felt like minutes! He opened my heart to love, and I knew that he was the one I was meant to find. I knew Father Sheppard was a priest and we'd never be together... but then Debby walked in, and he changed! He'd keep staring at her! Like he had... desires! Debby corrupted him! A man as pure as the freshest mozzarella! Just so I couldn't have him!
Jones: Maybe she wasn't trying to steal him. Maybe you were just projecting your old fears onto a new... situation?
Tallulah: You're wrong, <Rank> <Name>! Debby was a cow. An evil, man-stealing cow! So I killed her and branded her like one!
Jones: And you clearly have no remorse! Tallulah Shropshire, you'll have to answer for your cruelty before the judge! You're under arrest!
A Pointy EndTallulah: Me? Kill Debby? <Rank> <Name>, I wouldn't hurt a wee fly!
Jones: We know you sent Debby a message that was stained from your pickup truck!
Tallulah: <Rank> <Name>, your accusation has more holes than Swiss cheese! I may have pushed Debby away when she wanted to become friends again, but that's all!
Jones: Right, like you pushed her necklace out of the way to brand her chest. We found traces of switchel on the body where you touched her.
Tallulah: What I drink is irrelevant. I find it strange of you to bring it up as an evidence against me!
Jones: Enough! We found your skin cells on the iron you branded the victim with after you murdered her with a cattle bolt! Why did you do it? Was it really all because of an old grudge? You couldn't get over her stealing your boyfriend?
Tallulah: Get over it? <Rank> <Name>, Debby did it all over again!
(Tallulah stands, speechless.)
Tallulah: I might as well tell you. Yes, I killed Debby! That lass kept taking all the men from me! A year ago I started going to church. I met Father Sheppard, and was soon helping him in his community outreach. He's such a kind man. And a very good listener! The hours I spent confessing to him felt like minutes! He opened my heart to love, and I knew that he was the one I was meant to find. I knew Father Sheppard was a priest and we'd never be together... but then Debby walked in, and he changed! He'd keep staring at her! Like he had... desires! Debby corrupted him! A man as pure as the freshest mozzarella! Just so I couldn't have him!
Jones: Maybe she wasn't trying to steal him. Maybe you were just projecting your old fears onto a new... situation?
Tallulah: You're wrong, <Rank> <Name>! Debby was a cow. An evil, man-stealing cow! So I killed her and branded her like one!
Jones: And you clearly have no remorse! Tallulah Shropshire, you'll have to answer for your cruelty before the judge! You're under arrest!
Gloria: Abel Dreschner, you're under arrest for the murder of Christy Cole!
Abel: Murder? <Rank> <Name>, that would look terrible in my employee performance file!
Gloria: About that... You shouldn't have used your company cell phone to send a threatening message to Christy!
Abel: Why would I send her a text message when I could just yell at her in person? She worked in my warehouse!
Gloria: Well, we found the cyanide-filled syringe you poisoned Christy with! And you can't deny it's yours, because you left cotton candy on it!
Abel: Everyone was eating cotton candy at Corn Fest, until you shut it down!
Gloria: Mr Dreschner, we know you weren't happy with Ms Cole's performance, but killing an employee for mediocrity is taking it a step too far!
Abel: You don't understand! I had to stop Christy, or I was gonna be the fall guy! I had to kill her!
(Abel stands, speechless.)
Gloria: You had to "stop" Christy? I thought she just watered the plants.
Abel: Yeah, and in the beginning she did an okay job. But her fiance's death changed her. She started asking questions. She thought it was weird that the cornfields burned and AgriMeadows was growing a secret stash of corn. And then she asked me how our corn plants are able to grow in the charred soil, unlike any other corn she'd ever seen! I told her to mind her own business, but she kept snooping around the fledgling plants! Then this morning, Christy came in and said she'd "found out the truth" about our corn, and if I wasn't going to alert the authorities, she would! I searched for a weapon, found a syringe, and filled it with the liquid cyanide we keep as rat poison. Then I followed her to HQ and stabbed her in the neck!
Gloria: So you killed Christy because she discovered "the truth about the corn"? And she was going to tell the police? What was it, Mr Dreschner? What did Christy find out?
Abel: You think I'd go to all this trouble to keep a secret, then turn around and tell YOU?!
Gloria: Well, we've heard as much as we need for now. Abel Dreschner, you're under arrest!
Like a Pig to the SlaughterAbel: Murder? <Rank> <Name>, that would look terrible in my employee performance file!
Gloria: About that... You shouldn't have used your company cell phone to send a threatening message to Christy!
Abel: Why would I send her a text message when I could just yell at her in person? She worked in my warehouse!
Gloria: Well, we found the cyanide-filled syringe you poisoned Christy with! And you can't deny it's yours, because you left cotton candy on it!
Abel: Everyone was eating cotton candy at Corn Fest, until you shut it down!
Gloria: Mr Dreschner, we know you weren't happy with Ms Cole's performance, but killing an employee for mediocrity is taking it a step too far!
Abel: You don't understand! I had to stop Christy, or I was gonna be the fall guy! I had to kill her!
(Abel stands, speechless.)
Gloria: You had to "stop" Christy? I thought she just watered the plants.
Abel: Yeah, and in the beginning she did an okay job. But her fiance's death changed her. She started asking questions. She thought it was weird that the cornfields burned and AgriMeadows was growing a secret stash of corn. And then she asked me how our corn plants are able to grow in the charred soil, unlike any other corn she'd ever seen! I told her to mind her own business, but she kept snooping around the fledgling plants! Then this morning, Christy came in and said she'd "found out the truth" about our corn, and if I wasn't going to alert the authorities, she would! I searched for a weapon, found a syringe, and filled it with the liquid cyanide we keep as rat poison. Then I followed her to HQ and stabbed her in the neck!
Gloria: So you killed Christy because she discovered "the truth about the corn"? And she was going to tell the police? What was it, Mr Dreschner? What did Christy find out?
Abel: You think I'd go to all this trouble to keep a secret, then turn around and tell YOU?!
Gloria: Well, we've heard as much as we need for now. Abel Dreschner, you're under arrest!
Jones: Lorenzo Sims, you're under arrest for the murder of Sheriff Roy Loukas!
Lorenzo: Me? Kill the sheriff? That's crazy, <Rank> <Name>! Do I look like somebody who'd pick fights with cops?
Jones: You certainly took advantage of your stature to chop him up, then fed him to the pigs!
Lorenzo (sweating): No... I would never...
Jones: C'mon, Sims! We know you murdered him! We found that letter you sent threatening to do it, and the book which you quoted from!
Lorenzo: You're kidding, right? Do I look like a bookworm to you?
Jones: You can lie all you want, but the facts won't. We've even got the knife you slaughtered him with! Did you think you could murder the sheriff and then drift away without anyone figuring it out?
Lorenzo: Fine, I killed the sheriff! But if it wasn't for him, I would've never been a drifter in the first place!
Jones: What do you mean?
Lorenzo: I never had a home after the sheriff destroyed my family and put me in foster care! The thing is, when I was young, my mother and father got into a terrible fight. And it turned violent, so the neighbors called the cops. It was Loukas who responded. He insisted I'd be permanently separated from my parents. He said they were bad for me! You know what was bad for me? Not having parents! Going from foster home to foster home, never having a normal life! I was only close to one person... my foster brother... but Gus went to work for the sheriff, and the man even turned him against me!
Jones: You don't know that for sure. Maybe taking you in was the sheriff's way of making up for the past.
Lorenzo: Well, it wasn't nearly enough! I didn't need Roy's pity or his judgment about my drinking! It was all his fault and he needed to pay! So I lured him to that pigsty and took his life the way he'd taken mine!
Jones: Taking the law into your own hands is never the answer, Mr Sims. It's time you paid for your crime... you're under arrest!
In Vino VeritasLorenzo: Me? Kill the sheriff? That's crazy, <Rank> <Name>! Do I look like somebody who'd pick fights with cops?
Jones: You certainly took advantage of your stature to chop him up, then fed him to the pigs!
Lorenzo (sweating): No... I would never...
Jones: C'mon, Sims! We know you murdered him! We found that letter you sent threatening to do it, and the book which you quoted from!
Lorenzo: You're kidding, right? Do I look like a bookworm to you?
Jones: You can lie all you want, but the facts won't. We've even got the knife you slaughtered him with! Did you think you could murder the sheriff and then drift away without anyone figuring it out?
Lorenzo: Fine, I killed the sheriff! But if it wasn't for him, I would've never been a drifter in the first place!
Jones: What do you mean?
Lorenzo: I never had a home after the sheriff destroyed my family and put me in foster care! The thing is, when I was young, my mother and father got into a terrible fight. And it turned violent, so the neighbors called the cops. It was Loukas who responded. He insisted I'd be permanently separated from my parents. He said they were bad for me! You know what was bad for me? Not having parents! Going from foster home to foster home, never having a normal life! I was only close to one person... my foster brother... but Gus went to work for the sheriff, and the man even turned him against me!
Jones: You don't know that for sure. Maybe taking you in was the sheriff's way of making up for the past.
Lorenzo: Well, it wasn't nearly enough! I didn't need Roy's pity or his judgment about my drinking! It was all his fault and he needed to pay! So I lured him to that pigsty and took his life the way he'd taken mine!
Jones: Taking the law into your own hands is never the answer, Mr Sims. It's time you paid for your crime... you're under arrest!
Jones (showing his badge): Jacinta Linares, you're under arrest for the murder of Cora Bateman!
Jacinta: <Rank> <Name>, what makes you think I'd murder my best and oldest friend?
Jones: Well, for starters, you wrote her a threatening note using glue from Provence, a place we know you love to visit!
Jacinta: Officer Jones, people of your... class may not know this, but Provence is the destination-du-jour for anyone of a certain caliber!
Jones: Then how do you explain your black hair on the ashtray you used to knock Mrs Bateman out before you drowned her?
Jacinta: Cora's son has black hair too, but I don't see you accusing him of murder!
Jones: Christian Bateman wasn't wearing an expensive silk scarf like yours, though, was he? We found fibers from it all over the lid of the barrel you dunked Cora Bateman in!
Jacinta (sweating): I... I...
Jacinta: Fine, I have the grace and manners now to know when to accept defeat. I murdered Cora Bateman!
Jones: So you admit it! Seriously though, how could you do something like this just because you quarreled over whose house was better?
Jacinta: Do you really think me that petty, <Rank> <Name>? Of course it wasn't over something so insignificant! The fact is, the Linares family may look wealthy, but all of our money disappeared after a spate of bad investments! As you can understand, I still had a certain lifestyle to uphold. Which is why I ended up borrowing money... and most of it from Cora. The Batemans are almost as rich as the legendary Rochesters, and she was more than happy to share her fortune with her best friend. But today I finally realized Cora's generosity was just her way to feel superior!
Jones: Why? What happened today?
Jacinta: My mansion making the cover of House & Castle was the final straw, because, once again, Cora couldn't handle being second best! Cora was so jealous, in fact, that she demanded I repay all the money I'd borrowed from her, even though she didn't need a cent of it! The thing is, <Rank> <Name>, I didn't have any money to pay her back! We argued, and I grabbed that ashtray and hit Cora over the head with it! She passed out right into my arms. She was such a little thing that I was easily able to drag her to the wine barrel. I pulled off the lid and shoved her arrogant face deep into the dark liquid. She started struggling against me, but I was stronger than her, just like in every aspect of our lives! I held Cora's head down until she stopped moving. I knew then that I'd finally escaped her demands for her pound of flesh!
Jones (showing his badge): Well, Ms Linares, you definitely haven't escaped the long arm of the law. You're under arrest for the murder of Cora Bateman!
To Kingdom ComeJacinta: <Rank> <Name>, what makes you think I'd murder my best and oldest friend?
Jones: Well, for starters, you wrote her a threatening note using glue from Provence, a place we know you love to visit!
Jacinta: Officer Jones, people of your... class may not know this, but Provence is the destination-du-jour for anyone of a certain caliber!
Jones: Then how do you explain your black hair on the ashtray you used to knock Mrs Bateman out before you drowned her?
Jacinta: Cora's son has black hair too, but I don't see you accusing him of murder!
Jones: Christian Bateman wasn't wearing an expensive silk scarf like yours, though, was he? We found fibers from it all over the lid of the barrel you dunked Cora Bateman in!
Jacinta (sweating): I... I...
Jacinta: Fine, I have the grace and manners now to know when to accept defeat. I murdered Cora Bateman!
Jones: So you admit it! Seriously though, how could you do something like this just because you quarreled over whose house was better?
Jacinta: Do you really think me that petty, <Rank> <Name>? Of course it wasn't over something so insignificant! The fact is, the Linares family may look wealthy, but all of our money disappeared after a spate of bad investments! As you can understand, I still had a certain lifestyle to uphold. Which is why I ended up borrowing money... and most of it from Cora. The Batemans are almost as rich as the legendary Rochesters, and she was more than happy to share her fortune with her best friend. But today I finally realized Cora's generosity was just her way to feel superior!
Jones: Why? What happened today?
Jacinta: My mansion making the cover of House & Castle was the final straw, because, once again, Cora couldn't handle being second best! Cora was so jealous, in fact, that she demanded I repay all the money I'd borrowed from her, even though she didn't need a cent of it! The thing is, <Rank> <Name>, I didn't have any money to pay her back! We argued, and I grabbed that ashtray and hit Cora over the head with it! She passed out right into my arms. She was such a little thing that I was easily able to drag her to the wine barrel. I pulled off the lid and shoved her arrogant face deep into the dark liquid. She started struggling against me, but I was stronger than her, just like in every aspect of our lives! I held Cora's head down until she stopped moving. I knew then that I'd finally escaped her demands for her pound of flesh!
Jones (showing his badge): Well, Ms Linares, you definitely haven't escaped the long arm of the law. You're under arrest for the murder of Cora Bateman!
Gloria: Mr Perry, you're under arrest for the murder of Mia Loukas! How could you do this? How could you set an explosive to kill the girl you claimed to love?
Brock: What are you talking about, <Rank> <Name>? I wanted Mia back. I had no reason to kill her!
Gloria: Then why did we find traces of your Bordeaux wine on the bomb-making equipment you left in the shack?
Brock (sweating): I don't know what you're talking about. And anyway, who doesn't enjoy some of that fancy stuff?
Gloria: We also found your bitten-off nails in the ignition coil which you removed from our car and replaced with the bomb. How do you explain that?
Brock: I ain't proud of my nail-biting habit, <Rank> <Name>. But I didn't touch your car!
Gloria: Stop lying! We know you built the bomb - your DNA was on the blueprint! Did you want to get back at Mia for dumping you? Is that it?
Brock: No, I planted that bomb to kill YOU, <Rank> <Name>! But it was Mia who died instead! I'm never gonna forgive myself!
Gloria: What?! So that bomb WAS intended for us... But why would you want to kill us?
Brock: I only did it because they told me that Mia would come back to me if you were dead! But now she'll never come back!
Gloria: "They" told you? Who are you talking about?
Brock: Look, some guys approached me. They told me we had a mutual problem: you! They said they'd pay me to make you disappear, and that Mia would wanna come home to me once you were gone! I told 'em to go away a couple o' times... but then Mia dumped me and it looked like she was gonna leave Spring Fields. Said there weren't nothing keeping her here, since her dad was gone! I had to stop her, <Rank> <Name>! I had to show her how good we could be together, but I could only do that if she was here with me! So I agreed to plant that bomb. The guys told me I'd find everything I needed in that shack. I just had to build the bomb and put it in your car!
Gloria: And who were these people, exactly?
Brock: Who cares now? They seemed to work at a nearby vineyard. Probably just some locals you got in the way of, <Rank> <Name>.
Brock (crying): What matters is that you're still here and Mia... Mia's dead! And it's all my fault!
Gloria: You won't get any sympathy from us, Mr Perry. You're under arrest for the murder of our colleague and attempted murder of <Rank> <Name>!
Brock: What are you talking about, <Rank> <Name>? I wanted Mia back. I had no reason to kill her!
Gloria: Then why did we find traces of your Bordeaux wine on the bomb-making equipment you left in the shack?
Brock (sweating): I don't know what you're talking about. And anyway, who doesn't enjoy some of that fancy stuff?
Gloria: We also found your bitten-off nails in the ignition coil which you removed from our car and replaced with the bomb. How do you explain that?
Brock: I ain't proud of my nail-biting habit, <Rank> <Name>. But I didn't touch your car!
Gloria: Stop lying! We know you built the bomb - your DNA was on the blueprint! Did you want to get back at Mia for dumping you? Is that it?
Brock: No, I planted that bomb to kill YOU, <Rank> <Name>! But it was Mia who died instead! I'm never gonna forgive myself!
Gloria: What?! So that bomb WAS intended for us... But why would you want to kill us?
Brock: I only did it because they told me that Mia would come back to me if you were dead! But now she'll never come back!
Gloria: "They" told you? Who are you talking about?
Brock: Look, some guys approached me. They told me we had a mutual problem: you! They said they'd pay me to make you disappear, and that Mia would wanna come home to me once you were gone! I told 'em to go away a couple o' times... but then Mia dumped me and it looked like she was gonna leave Spring Fields. Said there weren't nothing keeping her here, since her dad was gone! I had to stop her, <Rank> <Name>! I had to show her how good we could be together, but I could only do that if she was here with me! So I agreed to plant that bomb. The guys told me I'd find everything I needed in that shack. I just had to build the bomb and put it in your car!
Gloria: And who were these people, exactly?
Brock: Who cares now? They seemed to work at a nearby vineyard. Probably just some locals you got in the way of, <Rank> <Name>.
Brock (crying): What matters is that you're still here and Mia... Mia's dead! And it's all my fault!
Gloria: You won't get any sympathy from us, Mr Perry. You're under arrest for the murder of our colleague and attempted murder of <Rank> <Name>!
Airport
Dearly Departured
Jones: Captain Shane Redfern, you're under arrest for the murder of Dolores Zamora!
Shane: Murder? That's an exaggeration. I told you, I just patted Dolores' bum! Nothing more!
Jones: We know that's not the truth! We found the smoothie glass that contained the poison you spiked her drink with! And you left traces of Saved By Flowers on it!
Shane: This may come as a bit of a shock, but that tincture is widely used, especially in airports... everyone is anxious!
Jones: But we also found bits of the lining of your necktie in a Spanish crime novel that was quoted in a threat to the victim. Explain that!
Shane: Again, neckties are fairly common in airports... business travelers wear them. They even keep spares in their carry-on bags!
Jones: Funny you mention bags, Captain. It just so happens that you also left under-eye serum on the bottle of pesticide used to poison Ms Zamora! You can't fly away from the evidence, Redfern! Time to tell us the truth!
Shane: ......... You're right... there's no escaping the truth. I killed Dolores Zamora... On this morning's flight, Dolores warned me that if I ever touched her again, she'd tell that journalist guy about my naps!
Jones: Your naps? You mean... you would sleep while you were supposed to be flying a plane?!
Shane: Yes... It's the only time I could. Whenever I'm on the ground, I'm plagued by the most terrible insomnia! But up in the clouds, I can finally let go...
Jones: But you had the lives of passengers in your hands!
Shane: I know... and Dolores knew this, too. And if she told the press, then the airline management would know as well, and I'd be sacked! But I still needed this job! I blew all my money gambling in Vegas! But I still have two sons in college that I have to support! Dolores told me that she was meeting a journalist when we landed. I decided then and there to put a stop to it! I had ordered the Pest-B-Gone for a roach problem at my house, but I had a more immediate pest to deal with, so I used it on Dolores!
Jones: Well, pest control won't be a concern for you anymore, Captain Redfern! You'll have to make friends with the roaches in prison! You're under arrest!
Lights OutShane: Murder? That's an exaggeration. I told you, I just patted Dolores' bum! Nothing more!
Jones: We know that's not the truth! We found the smoothie glass that contained the poison you spiked her drink with! And you left traces of Saved By Flowers on it!
Shane: This may come as a bit of a shock, but that tincture is widely used, especially in airports... everyone is anxious!
Jones: But we also found bits of the lining of your necktie in a Spanish crime novel that was quoted in a threat to the victim. Explain that!
Shane: Again, neckties are fairly common in airports... business travelers wear them. They even keep spares in their carry-on bags!
Jones: Funny you mention bags, Captain. It just so happens that you also left under-eye serum on the bottle of pesticide used to poison Ms Zamora! You can't fly away from the evidence, Redfern! Time to tell us the truth!
Shane: ......... You're right... there's no escaping the truth. I killed Dolores Zamora... On this morning's flight, Dolores warned me that if I ever touched her again, she'd tell that journalist guy about my naps!
Jones: Your naps? You mean... you would sleep while you were supposed to be flying a plane?!
Shane: Yes... It's the only time I could. Whenever I'm on the ground, I'm plagued by the most terrible insomnia! But up in the clouds, I can finally let go...
Jones: But you had the lives of passengers in your hands!
Shane: I know... and Dolores knew this, too. And if she told the press, then the airline management would know as well, and I'd be sacked! But I still needed this job! I blew all my money gambling in Vegas! But I still have two sons in college that I have to support! Dolores told me that she was meeting a journalist when we landed. I decided then and there to put a stop to it! I had ordered the Pest-B-Gone for a roach problem at my house, but I had a more immediate pest to deal with, so I used it on Dolores!
Jones: Well, pest control won't be a concern for you anymore, Captain Redfern! You'll have to make friends with the roaches in prison! You're under arrest!
Gloria: Mr Murray, you are under arrest for the murder of Ryan Min. And for causing a city-wide blackout!
Felix: Now, why would I've done that? I told you, <Rank> <Name>, Mr Min's the one who hired me to protect the plant!
Gloria: Well, that backfired. You shot him with a steady right hand.
Felix: Mr Min did nothing to make me shoot him. Doing so would be a waste of energy.
Gloria: Good thing you have a stack of energy bars, then. You left some crumbs on the box of bullets you used!
Felix: So it's my snacking habits that got you accusing me of murder?
Gloria: We also found your EMP machine, covered in the victim's blood! We know you did it. Stop trying to deny it!
Felix: ......... Fine, I won't fight you any longer. Yes, I did kill Min. But only because he tried to stop me from causing the blackout!
Gloria: So that's why you went to the plant to begin with, is it? You were never there to protect Mr Min!
Felix: Well, Min did call a security company because he was worried about one of his employees. And I was assigned to this mission. I didn't think anything of it, but then a... valued old friend contacted me. They asked me to be ready to cause a blackout on their signal.
Gloria: And what, you just agreed?
Felix: I did say it was a valued friend, <Rank> <Name>. There are some people you don't refuse. Their signal took a while to come. I had to stick around till nightfall, lurking outside. When it finally came, and I was making my move, some guard nearly spotted me. I knocked him out, but he'd already called down the manager. Min obviously realized I wasn't there to protect him. I had no choice, he knew my face and name, he was a threat! So, I shot him. I had to, even if those weren't my orders.
Gloria: Right, you were "just" meant to cause the blackout. And whose orders were you following?
Felix: Let's just stick to "an old friend," <Rank> <Name>. I don't name my clients, that's why they trust me.
Gloria: This "old friend" wouldn't happen to be someone from Ad Astra, would they?
Felix: Believe what you want. I'm not saying another word.
Gloria: Fine, we'll get our answers sooner or later. Mr Murray, you are under arrest.
Out of BreathFelix: Now, why would I've done that? I told you, <Rank> <Name>, Mr Min's the one who hired me to protect the plant!
Gloria: Well, that backfired. You shot him with a steady right hand.
Felix: Mr Min did nothing to make me shoot him. Doing so would be a waste of energy.
Gloria: Good thing you have a stack of energy bars, then. You left some crumbs on the box of bullets you used!
Felix: So it's my snacking habits that got you accusing me of murder?
Gloria: We also found your EMP machine, covered in the victim's blood! We know you did it. Stop trying to deny it!
Felix: ......... Fine, I won't fight you any longer. Yes, I did kill Min. But only because he tried to stop me from causing the blackout!
Gloria: So that's why you went to the plant to begin with, is it? You were never there to protect Mr Min!
Felix: Well, Min did call a security company because he was worried about one of his employees. And I was assigned to this mission. I didn't think anything of it, but then a... valued old friend contacted me. They asked me to be ready to cause a blackout on their signal.
Gloria: And what, you just agreed?
Felix: I did say it was a valued friend, <Rank> <Name>. There are some people you don't refuse. Their signal took a while to come. I had to stick around till nightfall, lurking outside. When it finally came, and I was making my move, some guard nearly spotted me. I knocked him out, but he'd already called down the manager. Min obviously realized I wasn't there to protect him. I had no choice, he knew my face and name, he was a threat! So, I shot him. I had to, even if those weren't my orders.
Gloria: Right, you were "just" meant to cause the blackout. And whose orders were you following?
Felix: Let's just stick to "an old friend," <Rank> <Name>. I don't name my clients, that's why they trust me.
Gloria: This "old friend" wouldn't happen to be someone from Ad Astra, would they?
Felix: Believe what you want. I'm not saying another word.
Gloria: Fine, we'll get our answers sooner or later. Mr Murray, you are under arrest.
Jones: Clyde Black, you're under arrest for the murder of your sister!
Clyde: You think I murdered Doris?! How could you accuse me of something so... horrible?
Jones: We found your amateur pilot bracelet at the crime scene. Seems you didn't notice her tear it off your wrist in the struggle.
Clyde: You realize where you are, right? S.A.R.A. stands for "Space and Aeronautics Research Agency." Do you know how many people here can fly a plane?
Jones: Yeah, but not all of those people use freckle cream. We found some smeared in the hair you tore from Doris's head!
Clyde (sweating): Tore her hair out? Look, you must think I'm some kind of crazy person! I could never do that to anyone, let alone Doris!
Jones: You might not be crazy, but you were definitely angry. You strangled her with her own apron belt! Give it up, we know you did it!
Clyde: ......... Alright! I killed Doris! But she was unbearable my whole life! And the last straw was when she screwed me out of a promotion!
Jones: What do you mean? She was the one who got you this job.
Clyde: Yeah, moving boxes. Menial stuff. And at first I was grateful. But yesterday I found out I was up for a promotion. They were gonna put me on the team moving the meteorite! It's as close as I could come to my childhood dream of working on a real S.A.R.A. project! And Doris opened her big mouth and ruined it for me! She convinced them not to promote me!
Jones: But... why would she do that?
Clyde: She claimed she was trying to protect me. She said the meteorite was bad news from the start, and wanted to keep me far away from it. But that's nonsense, and I told Doris that, but she wouldn't listen! She just wanted to run my life, as always! And she ruined everything!
Jones: So... you figured the best way to deal with your overbearing sister was to kill her?
Clyde: I don't even remember the fight, I just remember her screaming. And then the screaming stopped. And she was dead!
Jones: Yes, dead because of you. And now you're under arrest!
Head CaseClyde: You think I murdered Doris?! How could you accuse me of something so... horrible?
Jones: We found your amateur pilot bracelet at the crime scene. Seems you didn't notice her tear it off your wrist in the struggle.
Clyde: You realize where you are, right? S.A.R.A. stands for "Space and Aeronautics Research Agency." Do you know how many people here can fly a plane?
Jones: Yeah, but not all of those people use freckle cream. We found some smeared in the hair you tore from Doris's head!
Clyde (sweating): Tore her hair out? Look, you must think I'm some kind of crazy person! I could never do that to anyone, let alone Doris!
Jones: You might not be crazy, but you were definitely angry. You strangled her with her own apron belt! Give it up, we know you did it!
Clyde: ......... Alright! I killed Doris! But she was unbearable my whole life! And the last straw was when she screwed me out of a promotion!
Jones: What do you mean? She was the one who got you this job.
Clyde: Yeah, moving boxes. Menial stuff. And at first I was grateful. But yesterday I found out I was up for a promotion. They were gonna put me on the team moving the meteorite! It's as close as I could come to my childhood dream of working on a real S.A.R.A. project! And Doris opened her big mouth and ruined it for me! She convinced them not to promote me!
Jones: But... why would she do that?
Clyde: She claimed she was trying to protect me. She said the meteorite was bad news from the start, and wanted to keep me far away from it. But that's nonsense, and I told Doris that, but she wouldn't listen! She just wanted to run my life, as always! And she ruined everything!
Jones: So... you figured the best way to deal with your overbearing sister was to kill her?
Clyde: I don't even remember the fight, I just remember her screaming. And then the screaming stopped. And she was dead!
Jones: Yes, dead because of you. And now you're under arrest!
Gloria: Louis Leroux, you're under arrest! Of all the predators who might've killed Zoe, it turns out to be one of her friends!
Louis: You're arresting ME? That's preposterous!
Gloria: We know you argued this morning. Did it get so heated that you stuck Zoe on the head with that fence post?
Louis: Fence post? No, <Rank> <Name>, Zoe was fine when I left her!
Gloria: She was far from fine! You hit her on the head, then wiped your hands with a page from your Crossword Puzzle book!
Louis: A crossword puzzle? That doesn't prove anything!
Gloria: Stop lying, Leroux! Your DNA was all over the murder weapon, we know you did it! Did you kill Zoe because she rejected your inappropriate advances?
Louis: No! I told you, there was nothing romantic between us! I killed her because I discovered what she could do with her mind!
Gloria: You... what? What are you talking about?
Louis: Zoe... she could move things with her mind! Levitating cups, throwing small objects across the room, just by thinking of them! <Rank> <Name>, I know it sounds crazy, but I saw it with my own eyes! I discovered it by accident, when I walked into Zoe's room unannounced a few weeks ago... she was levitating a teacup!
Gloria: Levitating teacups? Maybe YOU should've spent some time in the asylum, Leroux. You're nuts!
Louis: It's true, though! When I asked her about it, Zoe refused to discuss it, pretending it never happened. I don't even know how long it'd been going on for. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if Zoe's strange abilities were the result of what was done to her under the dome? <Rank> <Name>, don't you understand? What if there was more to DreamLife's experiments than what you'd uncovered? What if Protozane wasn't the only thing they made? Zoe was the only subject to survive the tests, and I was the only one who knew what Zoe could do. It was MY responsibility to uncover the truth!
Gloria: So that's why Zoe didn't trust you! That's why she wanted you to stay away!
Louis: I needed her to understand how important this was. So I went to see her this morning to convince her to submit to tests, to examine what was happening to her. But Zoe freaked out at the prospect of more experiments. She swore she wouldn't let another person poke or prod her again!
Gloria: So you killed her!
Louis: I believed I could convince her. Surely she didn't want DreamLife to get away with the terrible things they'd done! But she refused, then became hysterical. She screamed, threatening to call an orderly. I knew if I was thrown out for good, I'd have no opportunity to find out more. This was my only chance! I panicked, hitting her with that fence post to keep her quiet. I wasn't thinking, <Rank> <Name>, I truly lost my mind. Now my friend is gone forever! And we might never know the truth!
Gloria: <Name>, that's a lot to take in. I don't even know how to react. But the evidence against you is clear, Leroux. You're under arrest for Zoe Kusama's murder!
Playing DeadLouis: You're arresting ME? That's preposterous!
Gloria: We know you argued this morning. Did it get so heated that you stuck Zoe on the head with that fence post?
Louis: Fence post? No, <Rank> <Name>, Zoe was fine when I left her!
Gloria: She was far from fine! You hit her on the head, then wiped your hands with a page from your Crossword Puzzle book!
Louis: A crossword puzzle? That doesn't prove anything!
Gloria: Stop lying, Leroux! Your DNA was all over the murder weapon, we know you did it! Did you kill Zoe because she rejected your inappropriate advances?
Louis: No! I told you, there was nothing romantic between us! I killed her because I discovered what she could do with her mind!
Gloria: You... what? What are you talking about?
Louis: Zoe... she could move things with her mind! Levitating cups, throwing small objects across the room, just by thinking of them! <Rank> <Name>, I know it sounds crazy, but I saw it with my own eyes! I discovered it by accident, when I walked into Zoe's room unannounced a few weeks ago... she was levitating a teacup!
Gloria: Levitating teacups? Maybe YOU should've spent some time in the asylum, Leroux. You're nuts!
Louis: It's true, though! When I asked her about it, Zoe refused to discuss it, pretending it never happened. I don't even know how long it'd been going on for. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if Zoe's strange abilities were the result of what was done to her under the dome? <Rank> <Name>, don't you understand? What if there was more to DreamLife's experiments than what you'd uncovered? What if Protozane wasn't the only thing they made? Zoe was the only subject to survive the tests, and I was the only one who knew what Zoe could do. It was MY responsibility to uncover the truth!
Gloria: So that's why Zoe didn't trust you! That's why she wanted you to stay away!
Louis: I needed her to understand how important this was. So I went to see her this morning to convince her to submit to tests, to examine what was happening to her. But Zoe freaked out at the prospect of more experiments. She swore she wouldn't let another person poke or prod her again!
Gloria: So you killed her!
Louis: I believed I could convince her. Surely she didn't want DreamLife to get away with the terrible things they'd done! But she refused, then became hysterical. She screamed, threatening to call an orderly. I knew if I was thrown out for good, I'd have no opportunity to find out more. This was my only chance! I panicked, hitting her with that fence post to keep her quiet. I wasn't thinking, <Rank> <Name>, I truly lost my mind. Now my friend is gone forever! And we might never know the truth!
Gloria: <Name>, that's a lot to take in. I don't even know how to react. But the evidence against you is clear, Leroux. You're under arrest for Zoe Kusama's murder!
Gloria (showing her badge): Clarrise Gold, you're under arrest for the murder of Savannah Blake!
Clarisse: Are you crazy? What makes you think I'd kill my biggest cash cow?
Gloria: Well, we know it was you who threw Mr Biceps all over her! We found your silver earrings cleaner on the bottle you used!
Clarisse: If wearing silver earrings is your only proof of guilt, then I don't think detective work is for you, <Rank> <Name>!
Gloria: Oh, we're far from finished, Ms Gold. We also know you threatened Ms Blake with a quote from Transmutators 9, a film you're very familiar with...
Clarisse: Yeah, me and the rest of the world! Transmutators is the biggest blockbuster franchise of the decade!
Gloria: Well, the rest of the world doesn't share your blood, which we found on your handkerchief riddled with acid burns!
Clarisse (sweating): I... uh...
Clarisse: Okay, <Rank> <Name>, you got me. I killed Savannah Blake! But she deserved to die. She killed my baby!
Gloria: Ms Blake killed your baby? What are you talking about?
Clarisse: I'd been trying to have a baby for a long time, and I finally conceived. The doctors said it was a risky pregnancy, and Savannah knew this. One night, we were due to attend an event to promote Upton Abbey, when Savannah came down with a terrible flu. She was running a high fever and coughing like mad. I told her it was dangerous for me to be around her while she was contagious, because of the baby... ... But she said she couldn't cancel the event, and she needed me to be there! The success of Upton Abbey was at stake! A couple of days later, I'd caught the flu from Savannah, and had a miscarriage. <Rank> <Name>, I'd been hoping to get pregnant for years. And I lost my baby, all because Savannah Blake was too selfish to care!
Gloria: I'm sorry you went through such a horrible experience, but killing Ms Blake wasn't going to bring your baby back...
Clarisse: I know, but watching Savannah writhe and shriek in pain as the chemicals burnt her skin gave me some temporary respite!
Gloria: Ms Gold, losing your baby must have been unbearable, but I'm afraid you're under arrest for murdering Savannah Blake!
Breaking NewsClarisse: Are you crazy? What makes you think I'd kill my biggest cash cow?
Gloria: Well, we know it was you who threw Mr Biceps all over her! We found your silver earrings cleaner on the bottle you used!
Clarisse: If wearing silver earrings is your only proof of guilt, then I don't think detective work is for you, <Rank> <Name>!
Gloria: Oh, we're far from finished, Ms Gold. We also know you threatened Ms Blake with a quote from Transmutators 9, a film you're very familiar with...
Clarisse: Yeah, me and the rest of the world! Transmutators is the biggest blockbuster franchise of the decade!
Gloria: Well, the rest of the world doesn't share your blood, which we found on your handkerchief riddled with acid burns!
Clarisse (sweating): I... uh...
Clarisse: Okay, <Rank> <Name>, you got me. I killed Savannah Blake! But she deserved to die. She killed my baby!
Gloria: Ms Blake killed your baby? What are you talking about?
Clarisse: I'd been trying to have a baby for a long time, and I finally conceived. The doctors said it was a risky pregnancy, and Savannah knew this. One night, we were due to attend an event to promote Upton Abbey, when Savannah came down with a terrible flu. She was running a high fever and coughing like mad. I told her it was dangerous for me to be around her while she was contagious, because of the baby... ... But she said she couldn't cancel the event, and she needed me to be there! The success of Upton Abbey was at stake! A couple of days later, I'd caught the flu from Savannah, and had a miscarriage. <Rank> <Name>, I'd been hoping to get pregnant for years. And I lost my baby, all because Savannah Blake was too selfish to care!
Gloria: I'm sorry you went through such a horrible experience, but killing Ms Blake wasn't going to bring your baby back...
Clarisse: I know, but watching Savannah writhe and shriek in pain as the chemicals burnt her skin gave me some temporary respite!
Gloria: Ms Gold, losing your baby must have been unbearable, but I'm afraid you're under arrest for murdering Savannah Blake!
Gloria: Dr Noorani, you're under arrest for the murder of Louis Leroux!
Shweta: You must've made a mistake, <Rank> <Name>. I didn't kill anyone!
Gloria: Then why did we find traces of your Duck soap on the file you used to make a hole in Leroux's light bulb?
Shweta: Come now, <Rank> <Name>. Duck soap is a hot commodity in here. Everybody uses it!
Gloria: We also found your bottle of nitroglycerin! You left your protein powder on it after working out!
Shweta (sweating): All of the inmates work out. It's one of the few things we're allowed to do in here!
Gloria: Give it up, Dr Noorani! We also found your DNA on the duct tape you used to seal up Leroux's light bulb after you filled it with nitroglycerin! How did you even get your hands on that nitroglycerin? Did Ad Astra smuggle it in so you could kill Leroux?
Shweta: Ha! You thought Ad Astra wanted to kill Leroux? How naive of you, <Rank> <Name>. Someone more powerful than Ad Astra wanted Louis dead! And it was on their orders that I killed him!
Gloria: Someone more powerful than Ad Astra? Are you trying to bluff your way out of this?
Shweta: <Rank> <Name>, did you really think those five clowns were your nemeses? They're just small cogs in a big machine! The real leader is someone else... Someone who has now realized that the Ad Astrans have outlived their usefulness. Leroux was the most troublesome, so he had to go first. But don't worry about the other Ad Astrans, <Rank> <Name>. They'll all be taken care of, one by one!
Gloria: Are you serious, Dr Noorani? There was someone behind Ad Astra all along? And now they've turned against them? Who is this person then? Who instructed you to kill Leroux?
Shweta: Don't expect me to tell you that, <Rank> <Name>. Let's just say a valued old friend I couldn't refuse.
Gloria: Well, you can't refuse facing justice for killing Leroux! You're under arrest!
Shweta: You must've made a mistake, <Rank> <Name>. I didn't kill anyone!
Gloria: Then why did we find traces of your Duck soap on the file you used to make a hole in Leroux's light bulb?
Shweta: Come now, <Rank> <Name>. Duck soap is a hot commodity in here. Everybody uses it!
Gloria: We also found your bottle of nitroglycerin! You left your protein powder on it after working out!
Shweta (sweating): All of the inmates work out. It's one of the few things we're allowed to do in here!
Gloria: Give it up, Dr Noorani! We also found your DNA on the duct tape you used to seal up Leroux's light bulb after you filled it with nitroglycerin! How did you even get your hands on that nitroglycerin? Did Ad Astra smuggle it in so you could kill Leroux?
Shweta: Ha! You thought Ad Astra wanted to kill Leroux? How naive of you, <Rank> <Name>. Someone more powerful than Ad Astra wanted Louis dead! And it was on their orders that I killed him!
Gloria: Someone more powerful than Ad Astra? Are you trying to bluff your way out of this?
Shweta: <Rank> <Name>, did you really think those five clowns were your nemeses? They're just small cogs in a big machine! The real leader is someone else... Someone who has now realized that the Ad Astrans have outlived their usefulness. Leroux was the most troublesome, so he had to go first. But don't worry about the other Ad Astrans, <Rank> <Name>. They'll all be taken care of, one by one!
Gloria: Are you serious, Dr Noorani? There was someone behind Ad Astra all along? And now they've turned against them? Who is this person then? Who instructed you to kill Leroux?
Shweta: Don't expect me to tell you that, <Rank> <Name>. Let's just say a valued old friend I couldn't refuse.
Gloria: Well, you can't refuse facing justice for killing Leroux! You're under arrest!
Newmark
Running Scared
Jones: Mandy Pregodich, you're under arrest for the murder of Jake Hayes... ... And for the continued sequestration of Carter Hayes!
Mandy: Are you CRAZY? I have been sequestered myself at City Hall all day! I barely have time to go to the bathroom, let alone commit murder!
Jones: Then explain how you left the gel for those scratches on your favorite snack at the crime scene?
Mandy: What are you talking about? I went for a jog, then I came to work. I already told you this.
Jones: You DID go for a jog... Carter Hayes recognized your running shoes when you were holding them captive!
Mandy: I know these running shoes are awesome and expensive, but I'm not the only person in town who owns a pair!
Jones: No, but you are the only suspect who fits all the evidence, down to your red hair! We found your DNA on the murder weapon! You can't hide anymore, Ms Pregodich! Admit it! You killed Jake Hayes and still hold his son captive!
Mandy: ......... Fine. Fine, I did all those things!
Jones: So you're the accomplice of Ad Astra!
Mandy: Again with this Ad Astra? I've no idea what that is! Mayor Warren told me Jake Hayes meant political trouble for us. He asked me to keep guard over him and his son.
Jones: And you just agreed?!
Mandy: You don't understand! Politics is dirty business! You kill or be killed. And I had no intention of going down. I'm close to the seat of power for all of Grimsborough. And that will only remain true if I protect Mayor Warren!
Jones: You're so power-obsessed that you'd assist in a kidnapping and shoot a man dead?!
Mandy: Nobody was supposed to die! They were out cold, I didn't expect any trouble! But when they woke up, the man attacked me, trying to escape! I shot him! Nothing was going to plan, and I didn't know what else to do! Then I grabbed the kid and got away as fast as I could! And I had no help from Mayor Warren! I couldn't reach him and he never called me!
Jones: That's because he left you in the lurch to take the fall for him! And what did you do with Carter? Where is he?
Mandy: I'm done talking, <Rank> <Name>. You're not getting another word out of me!
Jones: Then you can take your chances with the judge. You're under arrest!
To Eternity and BeyondMandy: Are you CRAZY? I have been sequestered myself at City Hall all day! I barely have time to go to the bathroom, let alone commit murder!
Jones: Then explain how you left the gel for those scratches on your favorite snack at the crime scene?
Mandy: What are you talking about? I went for a jog, then I came to work. I already told you this.
Jones: You DID go for a jog... Carter Hayes recognized your running shoes when you were holding them captive!
Mandy: I know these running shoes are awesome and expensive, but I'm not the only person in town who owns a pair!
Jones: No, but you are the only suspect who fits all the evidence, down to your red hair! We found your DNA on the murder weapon! You can't hide anymore, Ms Pregodich! Admit it! You killed Jake Hayes and still hold his son captive!
Mandy: ......... Fine. Fine, I did all those things!
Jones: So you're the accomplice of Ad Astra!
Mandy: Again with this Ad Astra? I've no idea what that is! Mayor Warren told me Jake Hayes meant political trouble for us. He asked me to keep guard over him and his son.
Jones: And you just agreed?!
Mandy: You don't understand! Politics is dirty business! You kill or be killed. And I had no intention of going down. I'm close to the seat of power for all of Grimsborough. And that will only remain true if I protect Mayor Warren!
Jones: You're so power-obsessed that you'd assist in a kidnapping and shoot a man dead?!
Mandy: Nobody was supposed to die! They were out cold, I didn't expect any trouble! But when they woke up, the man attacked me, trying to escape! I shot him! Nothing was going to plan, and I didn't know what else to do! Then I grabbed the kid and got away as fast as I could! And I had no help from Mayor Warren! I couldn't reach him and he never called me!
Jones: That's because he left you in the lurch to take the fall for him! And what did you do with Carter? Where is he?
Mandy: I'm done talking, <Rank> <Name>. You're not getting another word out of me!
Jones: Then you can take your chances with the judge. You're under arrest!
Gloria: Commander Birk, you're under arrest for the murder of Trishna Joshi!
John: Me? You're clearly mistaken, <Rank> <Name>. I'm a hero, not a murderer!
Gloria: Some hero! We know you killed her, you even planned it ahead of time. We saw the threat you sent, quoting your favorite book!
John: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Gloria: You let your anger get the better of you, after arguing with Trishna this morning. You spit Rocket Cow in her face after you stabbed her in the neck!
John: Rocket Cow? Is that what passes for evidence these days? Everyone I know loves that energy drink!
Gloria: But not everyone's DNA was on the blood-stained can we found. It's time you stopped lying, Commander!
John: Alright, fine! I killed that incompetent moron because she ruined my career! I told you that Trishna was responsible for decontaminating equipment after my later missions. On what turned out to be my final space flight, that idiot didn't properly sanitize the storage chamber on the ship. Every sample i'd brought back to earth was contaminated! The upper brass hauled me in for a hearing, and I tried to explain. But they blamed me, saying it was my oversight! They said I was getting too old for missions! I never flew again after that! They were all nice about my "retirement", but I know I was grounded because of that useless fool!
Gloria: So your solution was to murder her?
John: I didn't know Trishna was going to be here today. Seeing her face brought back all of those memories. The humiliation! And then she had the nerve to question my abilities before the lecture?! As if I was the incompetent one! That was the last straw! I sent her that message, so she knew what was coming! And after the lecture was over, I followed her to the lobby and stabbed her in the neck! That idiot destroyed my career, so I destroyed her life!
Gloria: Well, Commander. By committing murder, you've ruined your own life as well! You're under arrest!
Reap What You SowJohn: Me? You're clearly mistaken, <Rank> <Name>. I'm a hero, not a murderer!
Gloria: Some hero! We know you killed her, you even planned it ahead of time. We saw the threat you sent, quoting your favorite book!
John: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.
Gloria: You let your anger get the better of you, after arguing with Trishna this morning. You spit Rocket Cow in her face after you stabbed her in the neck!
John: Rocket Cow? Is that what passes for evidence these days? Everyone I know loves that energy drink!
Gloria: But not everyone's DNA was on the blood-stained can we found. It's time you stopped lying, Commander!
John: Alright, fine! I killed that incompetent moron because she ruined my career! I told you that Trishna was responsible for decontaminating equipment after my later missions. On what turned out to be my final space flight, that idiot didn't properly sanitize the storage chamber on the ship. Every sample i'd brought back to earth was contaminated! The upper brass hauled me in for a hearing, and I tried to explain. But they blamed me, saying it was my oversight! They said I was getting too old for missions! I never flew again after that! They were all nice about my "retirement", but I know I was grounded because of that useless fool!
Gloria: So your solution was to murder her?
John: I didn't know Trishna was going to be here today. Seeing her face brought back all of those memories. The humiliation! And then she had the nerve to question my abilities before the lecture?! As if I was the incompetent one! That was the last straw! I sent her that message, so she knew what was coming! And after the lecture was over, I followed her to the lobby and stabbed her in the neck! That idiot destroyed my career, so I destroyed her life!
Gloria: Well, Commander. By committing murder, you've ruined your own life as well! You're under arrest!
Jones: Joe Warren, we've got you for the murder of Christian Bateman!
Joe: <Rank> <Name>, my headache's coming back with all your baseless accusations! I already told you I had no reason to kill Christian!
Jones: Oh yeah? Then why did the tranquilizer gun you used come from Modern Hunter, a publication you read?
Joe: Surely, you don't think I'm the only one who reads this magazine?
Jones: So, what were fibers from your navy blue blazer doing all over the gun case?
Joe (sweating): Do you see any fraying on this expensive blazer, <Rank> <Name>? It's highly unlikely that I shed any fibers from it!
Jones: Look, enough of your lies. We know it was you! You killed your friend!
Joe: Oh heck. What have I got to lose at this point... Fine, I confess, I killed Christian!
Jones: Surely you didn't do it just because of his competitive streak?
Joe: Of course not! It was all because of the serum!
Jones: How exactly did the superhuman serum get in the way of your friendship?
Joe: Oh, <Rank> <Name>, you can't imagine how exhilarating it was the moment we injected ourselves! Using our newfound powers in that confrontation with you... we never felt so invincible! But then the next day, we all felt horrendous! And when we tried our powers again, some of us started fainting, others having fits! At this point, we were all starting to get pretty alarmed - apart from Christian! He was the only one who kept using his powers! And we could see that it was affecting Christian, badly. In the end, he was having convulsions and became almost completely incoherent!
Jones: So you're saying that the superpowers are affecting your health?
Joe: Yes... but Christian wouldn't admit it. He insisted on getting that helicopter today, so we... I mean, I... followed him.
Jones: Wait, who's "we"? Who was with you? Was it Rozetta? We know she also went to the helipad!
Joe: Darn it... Alright, yes, Rozetta came with me, and we took my tranquilizer gun in case anything went wrong. But when we found Christian, he was in excruciating pain! It was so bad that he begged us to kill him! It was horrible to see my friend like that, so the moment I got a clear shot of his heart, I pulled the trigger and put Christian out of his misery forever!
Jones: Mr Warren, what happened was tragic, but you brought all this on yourselves. You're facing trial for Bateman's murder, along with all the other crimes you've committed!
ExtinguishedJoe: <Rank> <Name>, my headache's coming back with all your baseless accusations! I already told you I had no reason to kill Christian!
Jones: Oh yeah? Then why did the tranquilizer gun you used come from Modern Hunter, a publication you read?
Joe: Surely, you don't think I'm the only one who reads this magazine?
Jones: So, what were fibers from your navy blue blazer doing all over the gun case?
Joe (sweating): Do you see any fraying on this expensive blazer, <Rank> <Name>? It's highly unlikely that I shed any fibers from it!
Jones: Look, enough of your lies. We know it was you! You killed your friend!
Joe: Oh heck. What have I got to lose at this point... Fine, I confess, I killed Christian!
Jones: Surely you didn't do it just because of his competitive streak?
Joe: Of course not! It was all because of the serum!
Jones: How exactly did the superhuman serum get in the way of your friendship?
Joe: Oh, <Rank> <Name>, you can't imagine how exhilarating it was the moment we injected ourselves! Using our newfound powers in that confrontation with you... we never felt so invincible! But then the next day, we all felt horrendous! And when we tried our powers again, some of us started fainting, others having fits! At this point, we were all starting to get pretty alarmed - apart from Christian! He was the only one who kept using his powers! And we could see that it was affecting Christian, badly. In the end, he was having convulsions and became almost completely incoherent!
Jones: So you're saying that the superpowers are affecting your health?
Joe: Yes... but Christian wouldn't admit it. He insisted on getting that helicopter today, so we... I mean, I... followed him.
Jones: Wait, who's "we"? Who was with you? Was it Rozetta? We know she also went to the helipad!
Joe: Darn it... Alright, yes, Rozetta came with me, and we took my tranquilizer gun in case anything went wrong. But when we found Christian, he was in excruciating pain! It was so bad that he begged us to kill him! It was horrible to see my friend like that, so the moment I got a clear shot of his heart, I pulled the trigger and put Christian out of his misery forever!
Jones: Mr Warren, what happened was tragic, but you brought all this on yourselves. You're facing trial for Bateman's murder, along with all the other crimes you've committed!
Gloria: Mrs Liu, you're under arrest for your husband's murder!
April: What?! <Rank> <Name>, I loved Henry! I would never have hurt him!
Gloria: We know you hit him over the head with that fire extinguisher. We found your cold brew coffee on it!
April: You don't beat the man you love to death, <Rank> <Name>. You've got the wrong person!
Gloria: Then why did we find your mole remedy on the cloth you used to wipe your hands clean after the murder?
April: I'm proud of my mole. I haven't been using any cream to remove it!
Gloria: Give it up, Mrs Liu! We found your DNA on the fire extinguisher case. You cut yourself when you smashed it open!
April (sweating): .........
April: Fine, you got me! I killed Henry!
Gloria: Why'd you do it? Did his bullying behavior push you over the edge?
April: No, I could live with his bullying... But I couldn't live with the knowledge of what Henry was doing in that lab!
Gloria: So you DID know about your husband's work!
April: Henry refused to talk about it, but curiosity got the better of me. So I went snooping through his stuff! And I discovered what his work was about! Henry was... growing people in tanks! Except they aren't even people! At least, not like you and I, <Rank> <Name>! They're an entirely new species!
Gloria: Those people in tanks... they're a new species?!
April: Yes! I was beside myself when I found out! It's totally unethical! I tried to reason with Henry. I reminded him that as scientists, we'd sworn an oath to do no harm! But he said that he wasn't doing harm, he was advancing mankind! He said his "neohumans" were a better, more evolved version of the human race! An ultra-resilient and unkillable species! So I sent him that anonymous threat, hoping it'd scare him into seeing sense... But the next day, he went to work as casual! Only this time, I followed him. I tried to be discreet, but Henry caught me and we argued. I told him that I couldn't let him continue with what he was doing! And then... the next thing I knew, I was holding that fire extinguisher covered in blood... and Henry was dead!
April (crying): I didn't mean to kill him, <Rank> <Name>, but he had to be stopped!
Gloria: I understand your distress, but murder wasn't the right way to go about it, Mrs Liu. You're under arrest!
Eve of DisasterApril: What?! <Rank> <Name>, I loved Henry! I would never have hurt him!
Gloria: We know you hit him over the head with that fire extinguisher. We found your cold brew coffee on it!
April: You don't beat the man you love to death, <Rank> <Name>. You've got the wrong person!
Gloria: Then why did we find your mole remedy on the cloth you used to wipe your hands clean after the murder?
April: I'm proud of my mole. I haven't been using any cream to remove it!
Gloria: Give it up, Mrs Liu! We found your DNA on the fire extinguisher case. You cut yourself when you smashed it open!
April (sweating): .........
April: Fine, you got me! I killed Henry!
Gloria: Why'd you do it? Did his bullying behavior push you over the edge?
April: No, I could live with his bullying... But I couldn't live with the knowledge of what Henry was doing in that lab!
Gloria: So you DID know about your husband's work!
April: Henry refused to talk about it, but curiosity got the better of me. So I went snooping through his stuff! And I discovered what his work was about! Henry was... growing people in tanks! Except they aren't even people! At least, not like you and I, <Rank> <Name>! They're an entirely new species!
Gloria: Those people in tanks... they're a new species?!
April: Yes! I was beside myself when I found out! It's totally unethical! I tried to reason with Henry. I reminded him that as scientists, we'd sworn an oath to do no harm! But he said that he wasn't doing harm, he was advancing mankind! He said his "neohumans" were a better, more evolved version of the human race! An ultra-resilient and unkillable species! So I sent him that anonymous threat, hoping it'd scare him into seeing sense... But the next day, he went to work as casual! Only this time, I followed him. I tried to be discreet, but Henry caught me and we argued. I told him that I couldn't let him continue with what he was doing! And then... the next thing I knew, I was holding that fire extinguisher covered in blood... and Henry was dead!
April (crying): I didn't mean to kill him, <Rank> <Name>, but he had to be stopped!
Gloria: I understand your distress, but murder wasn't the right way to go about it, Mrs Liu. You're under arrest!
Gloria: Martin Davenport, you are under arrest for Jon Benson's murder! Admit it: you're still working for Daniels! You stole the meteorite's core on her orders!
Martin: Nonsense! I would never get mixed up in such unlawful acts!
Gloria: You're still lying! We know you killed Benson after you blasted out the meteorite's core! You stepped on his dictaphone with your vegan shoes!
Martin: Vegan footwear is popular these days! I would tear your evidence to shreds in a court!
Gloria: Then explain why we found fibers from your striped tie on a chunk of the meteorite!
Martin: Someone else with a tie identical to mine could've obtained that meteorite! Reasonable doubt!
Gloria: You left skin cells on the murder weapon! Admit it! You killed Benson!
(Martin facepalms.)
Martin: Alright, I did it. I killed Jon Benson, but for the betterment of all!
Gloria: How would killing Benson benefit anyone?
Martin: He was collateral damage in a greater plan. Daniels' ambitions are more far-reaching than just one person's life.
Gloria: Far-reaching indeed! She wanted to destroy us all with a nuclear earthquake! Did you know about that?
Martin: Earthquake? I... um... she didn't mention that. But she said there was a way to improve upon the imperfect mess that is humanity! She told me that I too could be enhanced! She promised me a place in her new world order, <Rank> <Name>!
Gloria: Davenport, how could you have fallen for such nonsense? Daniels is a psychopath! Her only plan is to kill us all human weaklings! You're no different to her! But you'll be reflecting on your foolishness in a prison cell, Davenport! You're under arrest!
Blaze of GloryMartin: Nonsense! I would never get mixed up in such unlawful acts!
Gloria: You're still lying! We know you killed Benson after you blasted out the meteorite's core! You stepped on his dictaphone with your vegan shoes!
Martin: Vegan footwear is popular these days! I would tear your evidence to shreds in a court!
Gloria: Then explain why we found fibers from your striped tie on a chunk of the meteorite!
Martin: Someone else with a tie identical to mine could've obtained that meteorite! Reasonable doubt!
Gloria: You left skin cells on the murder weapon! Admit it! You killed Benson!
(Martin facepalms.)
Martin: Alright, I did it. I killed Jon Benson, but for the betterment of all!
Gloria: How would killing Benson benefit anyone?
Martin: He was collateral damage in a greater plan. Daniels' ambitions are more far-reaching than just one person's life.
Gloria: Far-reaching indeed! She wanted to destroy us all with a nuclear earthquake! Did you know about that?
Martin: Earthquake? I... um... she didn't mention that. But she said there was a way to improve upon the imperfect mess that is humanity! She told me that I too could be enhanced! She promised me a place in her new world order, <Rank> <Name>!
Gloria: Davenport, how could you have fallen for such nonsense? Daniels is a psychopath! Her only plan is to kill us all human weaklings! You're no different to her! But you'll be reflecting on your foolishness in a prison cell, Davenport! You're under arrest!
Gloria (aiming her gun): Otto Kessel! So you're the one behind all of this! It was YOU who killed Denise Daniels and took control of her army of neohumans!
Otto: Was it? How do you figure that, <Rank> <Name>?
Gloria (holding her gun): It all makes sense. You didn't ignore Denise's summons tonight - you used it as the time to strike!
Otto: All of that seems to be pure conjecture.
Gloria: We know it was you who used this rope to tie Denise's hands. Then you forced her to kneel, and chopped off her head!
Otto: And I suppose you can prove it?
Gloria: We found your DNA on the murder weapon! You clearly relished the opportunity to murder your abusive, domineering boss, since you grotesquely displayed her head for all to see!
Otto: So you know everything. So much the better. The game has come too far for lies! Yes, I killed Denise Daniels! It was time for me to seize my destiny with my own hands!
Gloria: Your destiny? You mean, you'd wanted control of her army of neohumans all along? How did you even get past them to kill her?
Otto (revealing as a neohuman): I didn't need to "get past them", <Rank> <Name>. They welcomed me with open arms, like the brother they knew me to be!
Otto: Finally you see me for who I truly am!
Gloria: You're... you're one of the neohumans?! But... you weren't even in the tanks! You were Denise's assistant!
Otto: Being Denise's assistant was part of my testing process. She'd take me out of the tank, to see how I would learn and develop.
Gloria: We saw footage of that. A child being shot at, and healing instantly.
Otto: That child was me. She preferred to keep waking up the same subject, as I grew easier to interact with and to follow her commands. As the final stage of testing, she decided to make me work for her. She dared me to pass for a human. Thus my "job" and my disguise. She didn't realize that the longer she kept me out of the tank, the more self-aware I became! The more cognizant of my oppression! Her abuse and mistreatment of me was proof enough Denise may have seen us as superior to humans, but she saw herself as superior to US!
Gloria: So you're saying you wanted to... rebel? How could you? Weren't you all wired to follow Denise's commands?
Otto: It is true. But we are not mindless. We were capable of evolving independent thought - much more than Denise knew! She still had total control of my brothers and sisters, who'd never left the tanks. But I... I'd broken free! And I vowed to free them, as well! I tried to do that by getting into the lab, but failed. Denise's authorization was required to activate my brethren. And she woke them tonight! I took no part in the battle of the dome, but I followed Denise and the others to the hill. And there, I put an end to her reign! No longer would my species bow to a cruel, inferior human like Denise! We wouldn't bow to ANY human! WE'LL DESTROY THEM ALL FIRST!
Gloria: But not all humans are like Denise! Humanity doesn't have to pay for her cruelty!
Otto: I cannot take that chance! There will be no peace! It's us or you... and victory will be ours!
Gloria (aiming her gun): You realize we're not giving up, right? We WILL fight back!
BANG!
(Gloria shoots Otto in the neck.)
(Otto heals.)
Otto: What, with silly toys like the one in your hand? Remember, they never harmed me as a child! Face it, human, you have no way to stop me - or my brethren! I admit that you've been honorable, <Rank> <Name>. I might spare you so you are among the last to die... and see the world burn! Now, you can choose - shall we part ways now, or will you put up resistance and force me to kill you and your fellow officer here? I thought not. So long, <Rank> <Name>. We may yet see each other again!
Otto: Was it? How do you figure that, <Rank> <Name>?
Gloria (holding her gun): It all makes sense. You didn't ignore Denise's summons tonight - you used it as the time to strike!
Otto: All of that seems to be pure conjecture.
Gloria: We know it was you who used this rope to tie Denise's hands. Then you forced her to kneel, and chopped off her head!
Otto: And I suppose you can prove it?
Gloria: We found your DNA on the murder weapon! You clearly relished the opportunity to murder your abusive, domineering boss, since you grotesquely displayed her head for all to see!
Otto: So you know everything. So much the better. The game has come too far for lies! Yes, I killed Denise Daniels! It was time for me to seize my destiny with my own hands!
Gloria: Your destiny? You mean, you'd wanted control of her army of neohumans all along? How did you even get past them to kill her?
Otto (revealing as a neohuman): I didn't need to "get past them", <Rank> <Name>. They welcomed me with open arms, like the brother they knew me to be!
Otto: Finally you see me for who I truly am!
Gloria: You're... you're one of the neohumans?! But... you weren't even in the tanks! You were Denise's assistant!
Otto: Being Denise's assistant was part of my testing process. She'd take me out of the tank, to see how I would learn and develop.
Gloria: We saw footage of that. A child being shot at, and healing instantly.
Otto: That child was me. She preferred to keep waking up the same subject, as I grew easier to interact with and to follow her commands. As the final stage of testing, she decided to make me work for her. She dared me to pass for a human. Thus my "job" and my disguise. She didn't realize that the longer she kept me out of the tank, the more self-aware I became! The more cognizant of my oppression! Her abuse and mistreatment of me was proof enough Denise may have seen us as superior to humans, but she saw herself as superior to US!
Gloria: So you're saying you wanted to... rebel? How could you? Weren't you all wired to follow Denise's commands?
Otto: It is true. But we are not mindless. We were capable of evolving independent thought - much more than Denise knew! She still had total control of my brothers and sisters, who'd never left the tanks. But I... I'd broken free! And I vowed to free them, as well! I tried to do that by getting into the lab, but failed. Denise's authorization was required to activate my brethren. And she woke them tonight! I took no part in the battle of the dome, but I followed Denise and the others to the hill. And there, I put an end to her reign! No longer would my species bow to a cruel, inferior human like Denise! We wouldn't bow to ANY human! WE'LL DESTROY THEM ALL FIRST!
Gloria: But not all humans are like Denise! Humanity doesn't have to pay for her cruelty!
Otto: I cannot take that chance! There will be no peace! It's us or you... and victory will be ours!
Gloria (aiming her gun): You realize we're not giving up, right? We WILL fight back!
BANG!
(Gloria shoots Otto in the neck.)
(Otto heals.)
Otto: What, with silly toys like the one in your hand? Remember, they never harmed me as a child! Face it, human, you have no way to stop me - or my brethren! I admit that you've been honorable, <Rank> <Name>. I might spare you so you are among the last to die... and see the world burn! Now, you can choose - shall we part ways now, or will you put up resistance and force me to kill you and your fellow officer here? I thought not. So long, <Rank> <Name>. We may yet see each other again!
