All said by Ask That Guy, unless otherwise stated.
"It's just she's from Iceland and I'm terribly racist. Oh my yes, incredibly racist."
"If at first you don't succeed, sacrifice. Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. Sacrifice."
"My advice is to kill yourself and burn in the firey flames of hell. Trust me, you'll be doing the world and yourself much good."
"I just ate my uncle last week. He was delicious! Especially with a fine sauce made out of my grandmother."
"Y'see, when a man and a woman love each other very much... then of course she will say things to you like what part of restraining order didn't you understand? and you'll say things to yourself like... and you'll have to do things, things that you never thought you'd be able to do but it turns in the deepest, darkest parts of your soul, you can... and you'll be saying to yourself why have you left me, Lord? Why have you forsaken me and left me in the tenth level of hell? and he'll never answer you, he's an a-hole... and the pain festers, festers inside of you and it'll never go away... you may think to yourself you may like the other sex but you don't. You don't. You just don't. And you'll stand at the edge of that cliff and you'll ask yourself what's the point. There is no point is there? There's only the empty void. [cheerful] And that's what a man and woman do when they love each other very much. I hope this has helped you out, it certainly has me." *looks stricken*
— Giving The Talk.
"Some teachers it takes twenty bucks, others a couple hundred and for others, you have to do favors. Horrible favors. I lost my virginity to a forty year old gym teacher. I will never be the same, and neither will he. ...it was a he, wasn't it?"
"I approached God at the pearly gates and I said that I felt rather ripped off. There are so many questions that I still need to answer. So I made a deal with the almighty. He said that I could return back to earth to answer all your questions and in return I would have to do this every once in a while. Read the bible! Read it everyday, it has all the answers! Or if you don't want to read the bible, read the Chronicles of Narnia, they're pretty much the exact same book! Read them and discover life! Life!"
"I used to be the size of a bulldozer, and going chubby-dipping was the best way to show that I was chubby and proud. Except I wasn't proud, I was dead inside."
"Yes, he is fantasizing about me, because I'm fantasizing about him. His muscular body, his smooth, silky ass, the large hunk of pork that I would love to tie a little ribbon around and call it my own."
"Would I lie to you? Yes."
"Unfortunately, I can't read. Thank you for opening up a painful wound." [angrily slams his book]
"Oh! Sieg Heil! Didn't hear you come in."
"Take, for example, women. Women look so much better through binoculars. There was this one woman I was following, and she looked incredible through my binoculars, especially while changing her clothes and taking a shower."
"I don't know much about flying, but my little puppy Scruffy does. I would see him fly all the time, usually after I picked him up and chucked him across the room. True, he would only be flying for a couple of seconds but man was he speeding across the air. In fact, I found he actually flew better after he stopped breathing. He is an amazing puppy. ...oh my God what's wrong with me?"
"And I'm sorry if I keep bugging you to take a survey at six thirty in the morning, it just really arouses me. Can I help that? Yes."
"So many things can be deserving of a smack; like someone's attacking you, coming up at you with a weapon, or says something you disagree with. That deserves a smack most of all."
"My place in hell is set."
"I mean, I make out with Dobermans. I shouldn't have said that."
"You know what? Fuck you, fuck you and your children. I try so hard to answer these questions and all you do is ask more questions about the questions I already answered! What do you want from me!? You know what, let's see you try it. Yeah, you think you're so great, you think you know all the answers? Not so easy, is it? Gets lonely, doesn't it, answering all those questions? It's hard knowing everything, but that's the price you have to pay for being a genius. You don't ever want to be a genius. It haunts you. And you will die alone and forgotten, knowing every single damn thing this world has to offer. But what does it add up to? Squat. Less than squat. Diddly shit. And I wouldn't ask that of anyone. So please, let me wear the coat, let me wear the pipe and let me wear... whatever the hell this is [an ascot], I will take the responsibility. Why? Because I'm braver than you, and a million times more attractive. It's a tough burden, but someone has to do it. And that person is me, because you will never stop asking."
"I know, because my watchdog murdered somebody. But nobody cared, he was a watchdog, and I was blind."
"And there's nothing more fun that you have control over that soul, and the pleasure of watching something die."
"But I don't care. My life is a lie." [cries]
"I do drugs every day, and have absolutely no side-effects whatso- JESUS HELP ME!"
Narrator: What is always drowning and always thirsty?
ATG: My ego. [his face falls]
"Don't get me wrong, I am not gay in any way, but if I was approached by myself, I would do me in an instant. I often practice in the mirror, and make pornographic movies about me seducing myself."
"I went to Glasses University. There, everyone wears glasses and so everyone is smart."
"I was raped! She forced me to swallow a case of Viagra, shoved me onto her body and forced me to thrust over and over again. It was a horrifying experience that I will never forget. And you were a mistake, a horrible mistake! Why did I run away? Because I was scared shitless! Where's your child support? I spent it all on hookers. And why did I put you up for adoption? Because abortion was too expensive! I don't love you! And whatever hell you have to face in the afterlife is too good!"
"For example, I smelled a dream once that I was in hell, and the devil told me I would stay here forever if I made any more insensitive jokes about blind people. ...it was a dream, right?" [devil laughs evilly]
"Indeed, I have pulled many great things out of my ass. Like information, my glasses, this pipe... in fact, let's see what my ass has to offer this time. A Hummel figurine. Isn't that splendid?"
"I look forward to calling you again, and watching you while you sleep. You sleep so deliciously."
"My philosophy is: if the color is not on a particular race, it's not worth hating."
"It's not like anyone watches this show to get some real answers, I am considered soft porn."
"Anyone who knows me knows that I would never waste any of my money on anything that helps mankind!"
"An iceberg molested me." [cries]
Narrator: Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
ATG: Stop it! Stop asking me questions! Can't you lot figure out your own answers? I'm done!
"Oh, hello in a language you don't know and won't bother to look up. I didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses."
Narrator: What took you so long to make this video anyway?
ATG: I've been busy alright! Cut me slack!
Narrator: I'm sorry.
ATG: It's okay, we've all been under a lot of stress.
Narrator: Yes, but it's totally my fault.
ATG: No, no, it was my fault, I take responsibility.
"Because everything seems a million times worse with your parents. They would probably be standing there saying "No! You're screaming wrong! Are those really going to be last words? Don't die like that, die like this, it's more manly! I should have left you in that garbage can I found you in", that kind of thing."
"Ahh, I'm such a perv."
"I think the best way to punish them would be detention. Because detention sucks! You have to sit there, doing nothing. Or worse than nothing, they make you work on your homework, and they won't even let you listen to your IPOD, it totally blows! God I have issues."
"My God is actually a salmon, and I worship him every day. It's a wonderful religion I've devised."
"My porn videos have already sold more than Paris Hilton's, but not Paris Hilton herself."
"God, I love me."
[to a girl he got pregnant] "Get an abortion."
"Now why would I consider being good when being evil is so much more fun?"
"I'm sorry to say that I'm already married to somebody. Myjob. And I don't mean that as some sort of abstract joke, I'm literally married to an Indonesian little person called Myjob. He's about this high and has six fingers on his feet. Kinky!"
"But when you're married to an Indonesian little person who's this tall and has six fingers on his feet, you start to get desperate. Saucy!"
"You see, I actually collect souls and keep them confined under my robe."
"And especially don't try and make love to a blender. Because when you try and turn it on, you'll regret it. M-m-my penis looks like kibbles and bits."
"You'd think 'hey, this person wants to make love'. Very horny love. The best kind."
"One time I looked behind the fridge and found Amelia Earhart, Bigfoot and Jimmy Hoffa. And I slaughtered the lot! Because they asked why they were tied up and behind my fridge. I get so tired of answering that question, so I kill things. People, usually."
"I'm very well known in heaven. I'm up to 50,000 lawsuits and counting."
Narrator: "Spit or swallow?"
ATG: "Quite frankly, what I do with my toothpaste is my own business."
"Good God, I really need to talk to someone."
"I know a guy who's very good [for dead hookers], I can give you his number. In fact, if you use him four times in a row you get the fifth one free! But don't go over twenty seven, he really gets irritated after that."
Narrator: "Got milk?"
ATG: No, just crabs.
"I work for a charming man with pointy horns and a long tail. He has me do all sorts of things. Bad things mostly. And whenever I do a bad job, he likes to torture me. However, when I do a good job, he likes to torture me. He's such a goofball that way."
"I know you have to go to school for both of them, but when I think Doctor I think he cuts people open and takes things out. I mean, what does a psychiatrist do? Cut in your psyche and put in love? Bullshit!"
"Now Doctor Love, there's a real doctor I can trust. He raped me."
"I love a woman who looks good in uniform and can give me orders. I'd never follow them, but it's the thought that counts."
"We can also eat the mathematicians. Why? Because I really hate those fuckers. I guess they'll think twice about failing me in eighth grade when I'm feeding on their corpses."
"Why won't anyone listen to me? Because you're morons. Tasty, delicious morons."
"I believe in equal rights. Anything I would do to a woman, I would do to a man as well. I would slam a man's face into the breakfast just as I would slam a woman's face into the breakfast. I would rob a man of all of his fortunes just like I would a rob a woman of all her fortunes. I would penetrate a man just like I would penetrate a woman. That's why bisexual people are the only equal opportunists out there."
"They said there'd never be a way for a human to fuck a termite, but I proved them wrong. But it's- it's not for that reason. Really. Don't look at me!"
"I have herpes!"
"You're ruining my Christmas! Everything has gone now! Why? Why did you have to answer that stupid-ass question? I'm just trying to give you some good cheer this holiday season and you fucked it up! God kill me! God kill me right now!"
Narrator: "Have you been naughty or nice?
ATG: I've been... naaaaaaughty. [proves that soft porn comment right]
"I asked what I always ask for Christmas: goodwill towards men. But not women. Those whores can suck it. They think just because they gave birth to us they deserve equal rights? Haha fuck them. They don't even have penises! The nerve! When I was younger, I always thought one was going to grow out of there, it never did! Well except that one time, but she was a freak. A freak that I will love forever. I love women."
"I'm going to hell."
Narrator: "W-what happens if you eat yellow snow?"
Sage: "I can't tell you how many times I've been asked this question, and I'm here to set the record straight, it's just an old wives tale that a fairy will come visit you and pay you in blowjobs that doesn't happen. Believe me. What does happen, is you feel sick inside, 'cos you just ate piss. And then Saint Nicholas comes! On you! Allow me to demonstrate on That Guy!"
"I don't believe that anyone is truly unattractive, for everyone has something beautiful about them. And I mean that in a bad way. I'm ready to go down on anyone and anything!"
"I can find the beauty in anything, therefore I can fuck anything."
"Me and this pipe have gone a long way, but not too long as he gets cold quite often."
"I tried putting a leash on a colorblind person once, but he didn't seem to like that, and reacted very violently, so sadly I had to have him put down to sleep."
"I'm dying alone, aren't I?"
Narrator: "Why are you doing Christmas questions even though it's close to New Years?"
ATG: "I'm getting a little tired of your questions, Mr. Narrator, do I need to unleash my sac in your face?"
Narrator: "Uh... ba... ja... no, sorry."
ATG: "Good. Next cheerful holiday question."
Narrator: "Alright. Once again I'm sorry."
ATG: "Oh you will be."
"None of us can die. [...] and I of course made a deal with the devil. I really should have thought of a better way to purchase this robe."
"Great. Not only am I working for the devil now I'm also working for God. [beat] That's going to be an awkward Christmas party."
"Actually I shot both my eyes out. These are on loan by Data from Star Trek. And yet I still have to wear glasses."
"The south will rise again."
"Why? Because I'm absolutely insane."
"Setting yourself on fire is not the way to go. Unless you're dying, in which case it's an awesome way to go."
"I would pay one million dollars to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer, and it would be worth every penny."
"Now I know what you're thinking, how would I know what a game boy's penis looks like if I wasn't some sort of pedophile? I'm sick."
"I so do love the image of puppy blood spilling all over a nice suit. [giggly] Oops, did I say that loud?"
"You see, I start off fulfilling all your sexual desires, but then I grow claws, a hat and a striped shirt, just like in that movie, Dances With Wolves. And the best thing about about a fantasy slash nightmare with me, is you not only have a wet bed, you also have a wet dream. Which you'd think would be extremely pleasurable, but it's not, you'll be in a world of pain."
Narrator: "Why do you close your eyes when we make love?"
Narrator: "Wait! Wait! [crying] I'm sorry!"
ATG: "Oh, I can't stay mad at you. I love you so much."
Narrator: "I love you too."
ATG: "Let's fuck."
Narrator: "Um, we have a show to do."
"Oh my God, I'm a horrible person."
Narrator: "Let's fuck."
ATG: [slams his book] "Okay."
"Incidentally, did you that I was Sacrifice Monthly's Devil Worshiper of the Month? In fact, I was the centerfold, and with nipples like mine you can blame them?"
Narrator: [on a disappeared ATG] "What a douche."
Narrator: "Why did you leave me to die in that explosion?"
ATG: "We hurt the ones we love. Thankfully, I don't love you at all. But I will hurt you anyway, 'cos I'm just that kind of guy."
Narrator: "You're very considerate."
"I'm wearing a thong. An edible thong."
"The devil's maiden name is penis-eater. Don't ask how I know that." [tries to keep smiling]
"Which is strange because I got a call from Linkara a few days later, and he was very upset at what I did. I don't understand why, what possible connection could those two have? Wait a minute! Linka and Linkara are the same person! And I slept with both! That's funny."
"Hah, het incest? Not kinky enough."
"You give someone cancer and then see if you can cure it. If you don't, you lose. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to lose this game, but on the plus side it's... no, there's no plus side. Maybe I should stop doing that."
"I! Am! ...completely drunk."
"One day you will be mine, Jessica."
"You should know that I am racist against everything, especially the whites. Lousy honkies."
"STOP IT! YOU'RE A GROWN MAN NOW! *sobs* YOU MUST MOVE BEYOND THAT!! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU AND YOUR WAYS! *sobs some more* *sniff* I apologize. I must now kiss Bill Clinton."
[after ranting about the stupidness of Devil] "Owww, a headache."
"Instead of pushing a baby out, I'm pushing a baby in."
[after trying to prove he's wearing a mask] "Owww, owwww, owwwwww, so stupid!"
"You have to believe me, I'm on the internet. And people on the internet are never wrong. They're just never right. How ruggish."
Narrator: "I- it's just that I-"
ATG: [pissed off] "What? What is it you want me to do?"
ATG: "Good. That's what I thought. Next question."
"Stop it! Stop playing these mind games with me!"
"Why do you enjoy torturing me like this? You horrid horrid asking man!"
"I can't take it anymore! You are horrid, you are absolutely horrid! If you don't tell me the question then how am I going to answer it? I don't know what you want! What do you want from me? Why do you enjoy torturing my soul?"
[silence] "T-the music usually starts after that." [more silence while he gets nervous] "Mommmmmmy!" [music starts] "Oh thank God!"
"In fact, many people tell me that I'm under the delusion that there's a camera in front of me, and that I talk to it, answering questions. They tell me quite often that I'm just talking to myself, but I believe they are full of shit. If I was just talking to myself, then how would you at home be able to watch this?"
ATG: "I am simply at his control, and there's nothing I can do about it."
ATG: "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT..."
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" [looks around scared and rips off his teapot clothes before spitting on them]
ATG: "And if you can't have sex, you are the most pathetic person the world has ever..."
ATG: "I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT..."
"SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!"
[after getting a really bad Humiliation Conga the whole episode] "I feel raped."
Narrator: Have I told you lately that I love you?
ATG: That's a very good question. And the answer is... yes, yes you have. What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean, here I work and slave all day in front of a hot stove, and you can't once, just once, treat me like a piece of meat? Everyday you hug me, and caress me, can't you just tell me that I'm completely worthless? Can't you act like I don't exist? I don't have feelings, I don't have dreams, can't you ever acknowledge that? No, I guess it's far more important for you to tell me how beautiful I am. You make me sick, sick to the balls! And if, one day, you get a note saying I'm going to leave you forever instead of a warm, heartfelt meal cooked for you, you'll know who it's from.