History Quotes / AnAssKickingChristmas

'''Announcer:''' "Shut the hell up [[Main/SantaClaus Santa!]] Prepare for an evening of [[BloodierAndGorier brutality and violence so severe!]] It's even enough to turn [[Literature/RudolphTheRedNosedReindeer Rudolph's nose]] black and blue! Tonight on impact: A "Christmas Chaos Cage Match"! A "Double North Pole Match"! A "Santa's Workshop Knock Out Street Fight"! A "Silent Night, Bloody Night Match"! And Wrestling/AJStyles takes on [[Wrestling/EnzoAndCass Cass]] in a "Grab the Reindeer: Latter Match"! Plus much, much more! So dump out that eggnog and grab on to earrings! Because this is going to be one turbulent sleigh ride!"

-->-- '''{{Series/Doctor Who}}''', [[{{Recap/DoctorWho2014CSLastChristmas}} "Last Christmas"]]

-->-- "Raging Rudolph" skit, ''Series/MadTV'' Christmas special

-->-- '''Series/{{Mystery Science Theater 3000}}''', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ZyJCV_dyug "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"]]

-->-- '''Kevin [=McCallister=]''', ''Film/HomeAlone 2: Lost In New York''

-->-- '''JM [=McNab=]''', “[[http://www.cracked.com/article_26110_die-hard-christmas-movie-everybody-shut-up.html ‘Die Hard’ is a Christmas Movie, Everybody Shut Up]]," ''Website/{{Cracked}}''

->''The canon of Christmas movies covers a wide range of diverse subjects, from [[Film/AChristmasStory a boy desperately craving a firearm]] to [[Film/LoveActually random British people hooking up]] to [[WesternAnimation/HowTheGrinchStoleChristmas a green mutant and his pet dog burgling an entire town out of spite]]. The only thing linking them all is Christmas. ''Film/DieHard'' fits the bill. It does take place on Christmas. But a lot of its elements are decidedly un-Christmasy—like machine guns, explosions, and a slimy cokehead who dies before anyone exclaims that [[WesternAnimation/RudolphTheRedNosedReindeer his shiny red nose could help them in bad weather]]. Still, ''Die Hard'' has a redemptive arc for its hero, not dissimilar from other great Christmas stories. Like Ebenezer Scrooge in ''Literature/AChristmasCarol'', John [=McClane=] finds his Christmas Eve interrupted by uninvited visitors, and due to their intervention, he learns to be a less selfish person. Both characters’ epiphanies come when they’re forced to confront their mortality. Scrooge repents at the site of his gravestone, and [=McClane=] realizes he owes his wife Holly an apology while picking shards of broken glass out of his feet.''

->It's Christmas. [[PreAssKickingOneLiner Take 'em to Church.]]
-->-- '''Tony Stark,''' ''Film/IronMan3''

->''(stormtrooper [[RailingKill topples off balcony]])''\\
'''Jack:''' OH! You died.\\
'''Rich:''' That's what I like in ''my'' Christmas specials: '''''DEEEEEAAATH!'''''
-->-- ''WebVideo/BestOfTheWorst'' on ''Film/TheStarWarsHolidaySpecial''

->Because it wouldn't be Christmas without guns and homicidal tendencies!

->Then there's "Blizzard of Balls", a Christmas-themed [[SlippySlideyIceWorld snow level...]]the best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled.

->I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but let's be real: There's a reason we have Christmas, and it's time we acknowledge that. And that reason is that Batman reversed time to stop the Earth from being blown up by antimatter.

->[[Creator/ChuckNorris Chuck]] comes out shooting, brandishing [[GunsAkimbo twin Uzis holstered at his sides]] in a custom leather harness... He takes cover in Santa's Village and then carries out a protracted gun battle using the fake snow banks as cover. I'm serious. Even funnier, the battle spills over past Santa's house and into the nearby Nativity scene.

->After all, where else do you see a ''Planet of the Apes'' ape crush Nazi John Turturro’s head in between his thighs? Where do you see jet pack wearing rats driving motorcycles with Gatling guns on the front? Where do you see a shark killed with fluorescent lighting as a means of highlighting the Nazis' plan to kill toy-kind? The festive holiday world of ''Nutcracker in 3D'' that’s where!

->Because this is what you think of when you think of Christmas, right? People beating the shit out of each other.
-->-- '''WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic''''s [[http://thatguywiththeglasses.com/videolinks/thatguywiththeglasses/nostalgia-critic/14482-hmsrch review]] of ''The [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 He-Man]] and [[WesternAnimation/SheRaPrincessOfPower She-Ra]] [[ChristmasEpisode Christmas Special]]''

->'''Santa Claus:''' So, we can stand about arguing whether I’m real or not, or, uh, are we gonna get busy saving Christmas?
->'''Ian:''' ''[gasping]'' Santa goes bad ass.
-->-- '''{{Series/Doctor Who}}''', [[{{Recap/DoctorWho2014CSLastChristmas}} "Last Christmas"]]

-> ''"Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho."''
-->-- '''[[Creator/AlanRickman Hans Gruber]]''' reading '''[[Creator/BruceWillis John McClane]]'s''' note, ''Film/DieHard''

-> "''Have a Merry freakin' Christmas / And you'll hear what we just said / Don't you squeal or rat us out / Or you will end up dead!''"
-->-- "Raging Rudolph" skit, ''Series/MadTV'' Christmas special

->''From his beard to his boots, [[MoreDakka he was covered with ammo]]''
->''Like big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Franchise/{{Rambo}}''
->''And he smiled as he said with a [[TwinkleInTheEye twinkle in his eye]]''
->''“Merry Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die!”''
-->-- '''Music/WeirdAlYankovic''', "The Night Santa Went Crazy"
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Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass"''

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->''(stormtrooper topples off balcony)''\\

->The idea of Santa as an immortal being who’s been delivering Christmas presents for centuries is ridiculous, of course, but the truth behind the legend is much darker than most people can imagine. In fact, 'Santa' has been a whole succession of different individuals down through the centuries. In this way 'he' is kind of like [[ComicStrip/ThePhantom the Phantom]]; but whereas the Phantom’s identity passes down peacefully from father to son over the generations, Santa-ness must be ''[[YouKillItYouBoughtIt taken]]''', with each new Santa defeating his predecessor in single combat to the death. And now notorious asshole and megalomaniac {{ComicStrip/Heathcliff}} has come to violently insert himself into this ancient tradition.