Quotes / An Ass-Kicking Christmas

"You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Claus might put a cap in your ass"

"Oh, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year
Or we'll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear
It's my way or the highway this Christmas at my bar
I'll have to smash your kneecaps if you bastards touch my car"

It's Christmas. Take 'em to Church.
Tony Stark, Iron Man 3

(stormtrooper topples off balcony)
Jack: OH! You died.
Rich: That's what I like in my Christmas specials: DEEEEEAAATH!

Because it wouldn't be Christmas without guns and homicidal tendencies!
Linkara, Atop the Fourth Wall

Then there's "Blizzard of Balls", a Christmas-themed snow level...the best part is killing Santa and using his body as a sled.

I'm sorry if this offends anyone, but let's be real: There's a reason we have Christmas, and it's time we acknowledge that. And that reason is that Batman reversed time to stop the Earth from being blown up by antimatter.

The idea of Santa as an immortal being who’s been delivering Christmas presents for centuries is ridiculous, of course, but the truth behind the legend is much darker than most people can imagine. In fact, 'Santa' has been a whole succession of different individuals down through the centuries. In this way 'he' is kind of like the Phantom; but whereas the Phantom’s identity passes down peacefully from father to son over the generations, Santa-ness must be taken, with each new Santa defeating his predecessor in single combat to the death. And now notorious asshole and megalomaniac Heathcliff has come to violently insert himself into this ancient tradition.

Chuck comes out shooting, brandishing twin Uzis holstered at his sides in a custom leather harness... He takes cover in Santa's Village and then carries out a protracted gun battle using the fake snow banks as cover. I'm serious. Even funnier, the battle spills over past Santa's house and into the nearby Nativity scene.

After all, where else do you see a Planet of the Apes ape crush Nazi John Turturro’s head in between his thighs? Where do you see jet pack wearing rats driving motorcycles with Gatling guns on the front? Where do you see a shark killed with fluorescent lighting as a means of highlighting the Nazis' plan to kill toy-kind? The festive holiday world of Nutcracker in 3D that’s where!

Because this is what you think of when you think of Christmas, right? People beating the shit out of each other.

Santa Claus: So, we can stand about arguing whether I’m real or not, or, uh, are we gonna get busy saving Christmas?
Ian: [gasping] Santa goes bad ass.

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho. Ho. Ho."
Hans Gruber reading John McClane's note, Die Hard

"Have a Merry freakin' Christmas / And you'll hear what we just said / Don't you squeal or rat us out / Or you will end up dead!"
— "Raging Rudolph" skit, Mad TV Christmas special

From his beard to his boots, he was covered with ammo
Like big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye
“Merry Christmas to all, now you’re all gonna die!”
"Weird Al" Yankovic, "The Night Santa Went Crazy"