->''"Get away from the book by any means you can. Or, if you've been unfortunate enough to pay money for it already, [[DarthWiki/WallBanger fling it against the wall]]. It'll make a really satisfying thwack! when it hits. Just make sure no [[ThatPoorCat pets]] or toddlers are in the way."''
-->-- '''Smart Bitches, Trashy Books''' on "Top Ten Signs You're Reading A Very Bad Romance Novel" [[https://web.archive.org/web/20130118121112/http://smartbitchestrashybooks.com/books/extras/top-ten-signs-youre-reading-a-very-bad-romance-novel (archive.org link)]]

There are some books you pick up and read, then put down and never pick up again. Others, after you've read them, find themselves [[DarthWiki/WallBanger hurled against a wall pretty damned quick]]. This is a tribute to those "fallen heroes".

'''''Important Note''''': Merely being offensive in its subject matter is not sufficient. Hard as it is to imagine at times, [[FetishFuel there is a market for all types of deviancy]], no matter how small a niche it is. It has to ''fail to appeal even to that niche'' to qualify as this.
!!Examples (more-or-less in alphabetical order):

* In 2010, Denise Brown Ellis wrote ''The Adventures of the Teen Archaeologists: (Book 1) The Land of the Moepek''. [[ThirtySuePileup Full of Mary Sues]], dull conversations that have nothing to do with the plot, and lots of grammar errors.
%% How are the conversations dull? What plot do they have nothing to do with?
** ''[[http://www.amazon.com/ANTIGUA-Land-Fairies-Wizards-Heroes/dp/1425997821 ANTIGUA: The Land of Fairies Wizards and Heroes]]'', by the same author, is just as bad. It is most notable for featuring at least as many exclamation marks as it does full stops. The excerpt available on Amazon is SoBadItsGood, but the novelty wears thin before long. It also purports to be a ''teen novel'', but reads like a book made for ''preschoolers.'' Worse, the author blatantly advertised her book in review sections and insulted people who tried to give her advice. And there's a ''frickin' 4 Star review'' that was ''very clearly'' written by the author or [[YourMom her mom.]]
%% And how exactly does it read as if it was aimed for preschoolers?
* ''Literature/AlfiesHome'' (1993) is an attack on homosexuals thinly disguised as a story about a boy who was molested by his CreepyUncle. There are holes in both the plot and the logic. The drawings look like drunken WesternAnimation/SchoolhouseRock concept sketches, seem to defy all perspective, and could have been done in UsefulNotes/MSPaint. Even worse, it plugs therapy based on a [[CureYourGays scientific theory]] that had been discredited decades earlier, and the boy's uncle pulls a KarmaHoudini. And it was aimed ''[[WhatDoYouMeanItsForKids at toddlers]]''?
* Alphascript Publishing and Betascript Publishing have published over 300,000 books. Sounds pretty interesting, until you realize that all of them are just a bunch of Wikipedia articles. "High Quality Content by WIKIPEDIA Articles!", the cover of each book states. It gets worse:
** The title of each book is a complete lie. For example, why does ''Giving Circles'' have a Wikipedia article on the United Kingdom in it? While the Wikipedia article on "Giving Circles" ''is'' in the book, it only takes up one page of the 108-page book.
** The covers [[http://brianbusby.blogspot.com/2011/10/alpha-beta-dada.html are]] [[EpicFail epic failures]], such as the book on the Fieseler Fi 167 showing a [[CriticalResearchFailure C-130]], and another on the 1867 Canadian Election showing '''the United States flag'''.
** The editors don't check the articles to make sure they're accurate, which means that vandalism could end up in the books.
** The books are often only 40-50 pages long, yet cost up to $100. For Wikipedia articles that you can get on the internet '''for free'''.
** A lot of the books are "Temporarily out of stock" on Amazon. [[FridgeLogic How can something can be "out of stock" when it's printed on demand?]]
** Flu Press is a similar offender, even offering these so-called books [[EpicFail on eBay]].
* [[RuleOfCautiousEditingJudgement All politics aside,]] A.J. Weberman's ''America's Most Dangerous Nazi'' is a bias-ridden, hateful piece of non-fiction that borders on libel and has no reason to exist beyond politician-bashing. Not even the covers (either of them) can resist {{Godwin|sLaw}}ning, by means of Photoshop. Rather than even make an attempt at neutrality or objectivity, the book resorts to slamming UsefulNotes/RonPaul and his supporters with cheap insults, picking the worst of the latter and representing them as the whole, even going as far to slamming non-supporters such as Glenn Greenwald with these insults just because they said a few good things about Paul. Every argument presented here is completely one-sided and transparent, foreswearing any attempts at fairness in favor of getting the message across. Allegedly, Weberman found himself on the receiving end of several libel lawsuits as a result of this book's release.
** If it were better known, it would qualify as a case of StopHelpingMe for Ron Paul's detractors and whatever legitimate criticisms they may have.
* ''The Blah Story'' by Nigel Tomm is the second-longest novel [[note]](the longest is ''Marienbad My Love'', by Mark Leach, with 17,000,000 words)[[/note]], containing both the longest sentence and longest coined word in English. This might have been SoBadItsGood, except the book's written something like "In a blah she was blah blah blah down a blah between blah roses blah blah blah her blah blah hair blah blah gently the blah blah trees..."
** A little tidbit of horror — Robert Jordan's ''Literature/TheWheelOfTime'' series has a total of 4,012,859 words, and that consists of ''fifteen'' books all qualifying for {{Doorstopper}} status. ''The Blah Story'' has '''11,300,000''' words!
** Another book of Tomm's, ''[[LongTitle Scarlett Johansson Asked Artie Lange: "Are You Too Fat To Fish Some Natalie Portman?" He Answered: I Must Have Sex With Adriana Lima, Robin Quivers & Eva Longoria Parker As They're My Life Calendar]]'', is just as bad. It is a lot like ''The Blah Story'' in that it replaces actual words with phrases like "tra la la," "taram pam pam," and "ha ha ha" so that the sentences (and thus the book) make no sense.
* ''Blood: The Last Vampire: Night of the Beasts'' by MamoruOshii is a continuation of the anime film ''Anime/BloodTheLastVampire'', which stars a vampire hunter named Saya fighting monsters. Given that the film involved a lot of blood, monster-hunting, and gory action, you'd think the book would be more of the same. Instead, the novel is less of a story about vampire-hunting and more of a clumsy collection of essays that fail to form any semblance of a coherent narrative. Rather than focus on Saya, the story focuses on a bland male student who goes from location to location listening to people have philosophical discussions and debates on increasingly uninteresting topics such as body disposal, the hunter hypothesis, and religious conspiracies. Saya, meanwhile, briefly appears only three times in the entire book and barely interacts with the protagonist, if at all. The novel is such an ill-conceived mess that one can only feel sorry for the translator who had to translate Oshii's incoherent and incredibly dull ramblings.
* The award for "most useless martial arts manual of all time" could EASILY go to ''The Book of the Ninja''. A "ninja manual" that includes "deadly fighting secrets", only to tell the reader to exercise caution to NOT kill people with them, this poor excuse for a book is horribly put together (photos were basically xeroxed onto the pages, the "About the Author" page has a picture of the author, but then goes into a tangent about who ninjas were, etc.) and contains one of the most laughable "fighting techniques" in history. The photos have nothing to do with the moves they're talking about, looking more like vague limb flailing at best. [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gf61Z58jKwY This video]] does a pretty good job of tearing it apart.
%% How is the technique laughable? Which one is this even talking about?
* Books LLC's Wikipedia Source series might be an even worse example of published Wikipedia articles than the aforementioned Alphascript and Betascript Publishing. In addition to possessing all their flaws, the books' content seems to have been randomly selected by an automated algorithm, leading to verbal diarrhea such as "Creator/GremlinInteractive Games: Loaded, Fragile Allegiance, Jungle Strike, Series/TopGear 3000, Harlequin, VideoGame/BodyHarvest, {{Utopia}}: The Creation of a Nation" and incoherent descriptions. The presentation also has the barest minimum effort put into it, with most of the covers looking like [[http://www.biblio-moto-books.net/images/motorcycle_manufacturers_of_italy.jpg this.]].
* Robert Newcomb's ''Literature/ChroniclesOfBloodAndStone'' series was billed as the next big epic fantasy series by its publisher, Del Rey, and given all sorts of heaping praise by reviewers who were clearly both bribed into giving a positive review and incapable of reading the books themselves. The first in the series, "The Fifth Sorceress", presents all women as either stupid and complacent or horrendously, disgustingly evil and corrupt; it's essentially a series of one DeusExMachina after another, and suggests that [[ArtisticLicenseBiology pregnancies last for somewhere between 24 hours and six months]]. Frighteningly, the sequel is several dozen times worse in every possible way.
** The ''Chronicles'' were tame compared to the second trilogy written by Newcomb, ''The Literature/DestiniesOfBloodAndStone''. The final book, "Rise of the Blood Royal", includes a huge ClicheStorm that makes Hurricane Katrina look like a breezy Spring morning.
%% And that clich้ storm IS...?
* ''[[http://www.booktopia.com.au/collectables-guitars-jake-jackson/prod9781847862068.html Collectables: Guitars: Makes, Models, Stars]]'' is, even as a bargain bin picture book, not really worth the paper it's printed on. The book itself is very minimal in terms of information and doesn't show any full pictures of the instruments. The more you see incorrect dates of [[AnachronismStew even more modern guitars supposedly being created in 1955]], the more you realize that [[TheyJustDidntCare they just didn't care]]. [[http://iheartguitarblog.com/2012/07/worst-guitar-book-ever.html#sthash.Go4JMrhM.dpbs Take a look at a review of it here.]]
* ''Literature/TheWheelOfTime'' series has ''Crossroads of Twilight,'' a {{Doorstopper}} without content which generally takes place at the same time as ''Winter's Heart'' (the previous book). Most of ''Crossroads'' consists of PurpleProse about food and clothing — the book has 822 pages, but you could condense it into 100 and not miss anything. The BigBad in this book is '''''grain weevils'''''. The series has LoadsAndLoadsOfCharacters, but very few of them appear in what passes for the main plot; the book needs a 50-page prologue to explain what everybody's doing, and it doesn't help. Rand, the driving force of the series as a whole, only appears in the last few pages; he has the long-awaited confrontation with Loghain, but nothing comes of it. Every female character's identical, and they're all unlikable stuck-up bitches. The series had been heading this way for a while, but this is the nadir. But the later books ''are'' better, and you don't have to read this to understand them.
* ''Das Reich Artam'', an AlternateHistory set in a victorious NaziGermany which even exists more than a hundred years later. If you think this could become problematic, you're right — while not stating it outright, the author seems to have a bit too much sympathy for the Nazis and not too much for their democratic successors who wreck the Reich, so the Germans in the settled East (formerly Russia) are the only upright ones left. Add some soft porn for "controversy" and a scene about developing NewSpeak copied almost word-by-word from ''Literature/NineteenEightyFour'', and you've got a stinker for the ages.
* ''Diary of a Lonely Demon'', written by Jon David, is a classic example of what happens when a MarySue [[XMeetsY meets]] [[UnfortunateImplications Misogyny]]. In a nutshell, the story revolves around one Jasper Davis, a [[{{Wangst}} wangsty]] self-insert that blames everything that's wrong with his life on ''[[StrawCharacter eeevil women]]''. Jasper then runs into Morgalla Smythe, a demon girl that [[InsaneTrollLogic apparently turned Christian thanks to her new-found boyfriend.]] All of a sudden, [[ClicheStorm demons show up and it's up to Jasper and Morgalla to stop them.]] Ultimately an AuthorTract on how women are wrong and [[StrawMisogynist how Jon is right]], the author sets up a plethora of [[FlatCharacter flat characters]], adds a dash of blatant racism, sexism and other offenses, and caps it all off with a metric shit ton of grammatical errors and plot holes. Include the fact that many passages are often copied from [[Literature/TheHobbit other]] [[Film/{{Avatar}} works]], and that the author [[SmallNameBigEgo suffers from an inability to take constructive criticism properly]], and the book just keeps getting worse.
* In the wake of ''Anime/DragonBallZ'''s monumental success, a lot of guidebooks were released to the general market -- some of them good, some of them... not so much. ''Dragon Ball Z: An Unauthorized Guide'', by the mother-son team of Lois and Danny Gresh, is the most absolutely WORTHLESS of the lot. A lot of the "jokes" are about Piccolo yelling "Feh! Feh!" followed by Japanese swearing, the section on DBZ roleplaying devolves into a pointless example session involving global warming and styrofoam (!), and the chapter on the DBZ games mentions importing titles... only to completely handwave the fact that U.S. consoles CAN'T PLAY JAPANESE GAMES. Even worse, several of the high reviews on Amazon.com are from "A Customer", and it's pretty obvious that the entire book was marketed towards the younger potential fanbase who hadn't even seen the show, as opposed to those who had (and thus knew better than to go anywhere near this dreck with a 10-foot pole).
** As a guide, it fails miserably on several levels. On the one hand, it only gives little more than the most basic trivia regarding the characters, episodes, etc. of the series. Now, this wouldn't be so bad given it is supposed to be geared towards people new to the show. But, it never really goes too far beyond that. It doesn't go extremely in-depth about the franchise, but it also doesn't really explain anything about the show's mythos or whatnot either. To make matters worse, the book tends to go on pointless tangents about completely unrelated things. In fact, you're more likely to learn pointless trivia on nearly everything else (including that Arachibutyrophobia is the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth. No, seriously, that's actually mentioned in the book) than you are about the Dragonball franchise. This turns the book from simply being lacking in any in-depth information on DBZ into a confusing mess.
* Two of several ''Franchise/FridayThe13th'' books released in a deal between Creator/NewLineCinema and publisher Black Flame:
** ''Friday the 13th: Hell Lake'', a Black Flame book, gives Jason CharacterDerailment. The author uses stereotypes about him and ignores earlier canon in the process. Jason now hates sex so much, he'll drop what he's doing to kill some rapists ''and'' their victim. He now can ''literally'' [[OffscreenTeleportation teleport]]; [[SpeakOfTheDevil just thinking about him apparently summons him]]. At one point, he appears to materialize from a television. Through an unexplained mental bond, he befriends the secondary villain. He has henchmen following him around a few times. He flays a guy and wears his skin and clothing as a disguise. (Ed Gein taught him how to in Hell. Yes, that's canon.) He screams in pain and throws tantrums when he's hurt, and in one sequence he mows dozens down with a machine gun. Most of the characters, who are from the backwoods New Jersey town of Crystal Lake, talk like stereotypical upper-class twits (even the jocks!) and insult people by calling them "fool". And the author [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking keeps referring Camp Crystal Lake as Lake Blood instead of using the correct nickname Camp Blood]]. Oh, and it's a {{Doorstopper}} with pacing problems.
** ''[[Film/JasonX Jason X: Death Moon]]'', is horrific. Half the time, it feels like the vaguely pretentious [[WhatDoYouMeanItWasntMadeOnDrugs nonsensical ramblings of a stoner]], due to the author constantly going off on weird rants unrelated to anything. Various concepts (Teknopriests? Akasha.net?) are introduced but never explained, and the story's unreadable half the time due to the fact that ''[[BizarroEpisode you can't tell what the fuck]] [[MindScrew is going on]]''.
* ''Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie'', a lazy {{Defictionalization}} of the ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes [[RunningGag bedtime story]] and a good reason why Bill Watterson [[NoodleIncident never discussed the plot in the strip]]. The story itself is unimaginative, it may have been published [[MoneyDearBoy for a quick buck]] and [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking the illustrations are crude]]. The "author" (Mabel Barr) shares its name with the in-universe version ([[PunnyName Mabel Syrup]]) and it's only eight pages long with a good chunk of the last an order form. To put it in perspective, buying it at the selling price of $20.95 translates to more than $3 a page with shipping! All of its [[PolishTheTurd positive]] [[http://www.amazon.com/Hamster-Huey-Gooey-Kablooie-Adventure/product-reviews/0974909009/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1 Amazon reviews]] are [[BribingYourWayToVictory from the author's hometown.]]
%% But what was it ABOUT? How does the Author Insert play into this?
* ''I Am Scrooge'', a short (just over 150 pages) 2010 novel that attempts to ride the {{Literary Mashup|s}} bandwagon, with a story about Ebenezer Scrooge fighting an army of zombies. A description of Scrooge walking in a London fog defies belief: "As the air began to freeze and he was a right wheezer and he went by the name of Ebenezer Scrooge." This is just one of the novel's seemingly never-ending cavalcade of horrible topical references, which actually take up more of the story than any actual plot.
* Clifford Bowyer's deservedly obscure ''Imperium Saga'' could rival ''The Eye of Argon'' for sheer bad writing. But it gets worse by having the characters [[IdiotPlot toss around the Idiot Ball every five seconds]]. "Legendary" Warlord Braksis sets an invading [[MultipleHeadCase three-headed]] "[[RougeAnglesOfSatin tragon]]" on fire and watches it demolish a town in its death throes, then afterward decides ''it was a bad idea''... but '''[[MoralDissonance people praise him for the destruction of their city]]'''. Heroic groups of five fight off hordes of 50 or more without a single injury. Seriously. There are so many races that it's hard to believe that the planet's ecology is intact. There's a reference to a "non-human troll", as if a fantasy creature could be both human and troll. Throw in a sex scene that uses "raging inferno" five times in three pages. That's all from the first book in the series.
* ''Isle of Dogs'' by Patricia Cornwell is a novel so bad in so many ways, it's amazing Cornwell allowed it to be published. Various blurbs compare the novel's supposed snarky black humor to Creator/CarlHiaasen. Too bad Hiaasen can actually write snarky black humor and write it well; Cornwell couldn't write black humor if it meant the firing squad. Featuring characters blessed with such names as Trish Thrash, Unique First, Fonny Boy, Possum, and Hooter Shook; a zillion plots that go nowhere; and some of the laziest writing this side of ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' — one chapter features talking crabs and fish, while another features a dog that can type. As of December 2014, the book has 786 reviews on [[http://www.amazon.com/Isle-Dogs-Brazil-Patricia-Cornwell/dp/0425182908/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278865132=1-1 Amazon.com]], 646 of which are one star. That's about 82%, folks. You've been warned.
* In 2000, Nancy Stouffer claimed that her 1984 book ''Literature/TheLegendOfRahAndTheMuggles'' provided the inspiration for Creator/JKRowling's ''Franchise/HarryPotter'' series, using flimsy comparisons between the two books (such that the fact that they both contained "wooden doors") to try to bolster her case. The case was notable partly because of the FrivolousLawsuit (which Stouffer lost comprehensively) and partly because the book itself was unspeakably awful; a full list of its failings would at least double the size of this page, so [[http://www.magespace.net/mugrev.html here are]] [[http://impishidea.com/tag/the-legend-of-rah-and-the-muggles/ a few]] [[http://zelda-queen.livejournal.com/tag/fic%3A%20the%20legend%20of%20rah%20and%20the%20muggles handy plot breakdowns]] should you wish to subject yourself to them anyway. Once news from the lawsuit started spreading, a small-time publisher tried to cash in on NoSuchThingAsBadPublicity and did a small printing run; said publisher quickly went bankrupt.
** To give a quick summary, the story can't decide what it wants to be at all. It starts with two baby twins who are sent from a post-apocalyptic wasteland by their parents who are [[ChuckCunninghamSyndrome never brought up again]]. The twins are rescued by friendly talking dolphins (!) and "spooners of the deep" (which are never explained what they are; even going to the included glossary says they're... "[[ShapedLikeItself spooners of the deep]]"). When they get to the land of the titular Muggles, which are [[UncannyValley grotesquely almost-infantile creatures]] mutated by radiation, they bring the sun back after a nuclear winter. [[MarySue Somehow]]. Throw in wild inconsistencies about the Muggles themselves -- such as one character who keeps changing ages, ridiculous elements such as a "lemonade lake", and the antagonist, one of the twins who is AlwaysSecondBest, [[IdiotBall gets sick from keeping his hideout in a ridiculously-irradiated tree]], and at the end, it turns out that they're literally scared of their own shadows. Rah [[DesignatedHero doesn't care about his brother at all]], the plot focusing on keeping him down instead of trying to redeem him. And to top it all off, it ends by suddenly turning into a fable about where stars come from! Which is it? Dark apocalyptic drama? Sickeningly sweet fantasy? A child's ghost story? A fable? It's as if nothing whatsoever about the story was planned out in advance.
* The ''Literature/MaradoniaSaga'' by Gloria Tesch. Awful formatting, a plot knee deep in Mary Sues, plagiarism to the Nth degree (with every idea being stolen from other, far more credible works) and the author has an army of lawyers and sock puppet accounts ready to silence anyone currently trying to speak out against it.
%% What has been plagiarizes? How are they Sues?
** Well, not everyone. Sporks of the first three books can be found [[http://impishidea.com/tag/maradonia-%28series%29/ here]]; expect such exciting things as a talking grasshopper, Apollyon and the Club of Evil (that sings Mother Earth songs and has a water park), the salsa dance, and more!
* ''Literature/MassEffectDeception'', a tie-in book released in the months leading up to ''VideoGame/MassEffect3''. Notably, it was also the first novel not written by the series' head writer, Drew Karpyshyn. It was supposed to be a sidestory featuring the continuing adventures of Gillian Grayson; it wound up gaining the hatred of fans for its tactless treatment of [[HideYourLesbians homo]][[BuryYourGays sexuality]] and [[ThrowingOffTheDisability autism]], a [[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XBpMF3ONlI308D9IGG8KICBHfWKU0sXh0ntukv-_cmo/edit?pli=1 list of research errors]] longer than IMDB's "Goofs" page for ''Film/BattlefieldEarth'', and its [[SeriesContinuityError overall absence of anything resembling consistency or continuity]]. Not that it fared any better among non-fans--long, drawn out chapters (often [[ShowDontTell expository]] and [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment redundant]]) were a common occurrence. Proofreading, however... ''was not,'' to say the very least. Publisher Del Rey openly apologized for (and promised to radically rewrite) the book.
* ''Literature/MeinKampf''... as translated by James Murphy. It took what was something already derided as being [[{{Doorstopper}} overly long]] and [[PurpleProse hideously thick]] in its original form and somehow made it worse. [[AdaptationDecay The writing style was changed drastically]], [[CutAndPasteTranslation alterations and expansions were blatant and hackneyed]], and [[ObviousBeta spelling and grammar were all over the place]]. The book resembles a bad fanfic of the original; its clunky, dull, flowery prose results at least partially from the author's habit of [[BlindIdiotTranslation looking up the words he didn't know in a German-English dictionary and picking the first definition he saw]]. Worse, it was submitted incomplete when Murphy changed his mind about the Nazis and fled Germany, meaning the press had to finish translation. Perhaps fortunately, the few copies that the Nazi press produced were lost until 2008, effectively destroying any chance for this abomination to become anything more than a bizarre curiosity.
* ''Mermaid's Kiss And Siren's Song'', a poorly disguised ''VideoGame/FinalFantasyVII'' fanfic published on Amazon. All the character are thinly-veiled {{Expies}} and one-dimensional, there's RougeAnglesOfSatin everywhere, and... you know what? The [[http://www.amazon.com/Mermaids-Kiss-And-Sirens-Song/product-reviews/1419617710 reviews]] speak for themselves.
* ''Mission Earth'', a decalogy [[note]](novel in ten volumes)[[/note]] by Creator/LRonHubbard. Weighing in at nearly 4,000 pages, this was Hubbard's idea of clever SciFi satire. The story moves at an incredibly-slow pace and showcases every sexual perversion you could think of and then some. Rampant misogyny abounds. The story's nothing more than a thinly-veiled pamphlet for Scientology and keeps hitting the reader over the head with its messages against psychology and psychiatry. [[http://www.modemac.com/cgi-bin/wiki.pl/Mission_Earth Here's a highly-detailed overview.]]
* As ''Crossroads of Twilight'' is to ''Literature/TheWheelOfTime'', ''Naked Empire'' represents the bottom-of-the-barrel for Terry Goodkind's ''Literature/SwordOfTruth'' series. This book, even more than the others before it, is mostly [[AuthorTract one gigantic sermon against communism and pacifism]], containing the infamous "[[StrawCharacter evil-pacifist]]" plot of Bandakar. Even outside the conflict, Richard's dialogue is [[CharacterFilibuster constantly saturated with Goodkind's views]] when he's talking to his friends (including an idiotic side conversation where Richard and his half-sister discuss the "right" of hair to live on a person's head). The main plot of the series is advanced barely an inch by the end of this book, there are [[CharacterFilibuster speeches]] that go on for pages or even ''whole chapters'', and the plot's resolved in one of the most blatant {{Deus Ex Machina}}s in literature. Go look at the reviews on [[http://www.amazon.com/Naked-Empire-Sword-Truth-Book/product-reviews/0765344300/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1 Amazon.com]] if you want more proof.
* ''No Touching'' by Aileen Deng. Let's put it this way — the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, [[OldShame who were responsible for its very commissioning, would kindly like to forget it ever existed]]. The only way to express it would be Elizabeth the Gray's review [[http://www.amazon.com/No-Touching-Aileen-Deng/dp/1449900313 here.]]
%% Why did they disown it? What exactly was so insensitive about it?
** Note that the book has a 3-star average on Amazon. Elizabeth and another review gave it one star, and two people who haven't reviewed ''anything else on the site'' gave it four and five stars. Not to mention, the aforementioned four-star review almost immediately attacks Elizabeth's review. Way to be discreet.
* ''Org's Odyssey'' by Duke Otterland. The whole plot is a ClicheStorm of a fantasy novel about Org of Otterland, a hero born from the daughter of a god who must save Anglia from evil. The beginning explains how the Anthropians came to be, but it comes off as PurpleProse. Moreover, the battles are unfair — the good guys outnumber the evildoers [[OneSidedBattle 7 to 1]]. See the reviews [[http://www.amazon.com/Orgs-Odyssey-Tale-Post-human-Earth/dp/0595316794 here.]]
** More recently, it's become the replacement read for ''The Eye of Argon'' at [=AnthroCon=], which started the two-hour session with four readers and ended with over 30. It's figured there's enough fresh material for almost a decade.
* GlennBeck's ''The Overton Window'' is called one of the worst works of literature ever written. The LA Times said it was less a train-wreck than "[[http://articles.latimes.com/2010/jun/23/entertainment/la-et-rutten-20100623 a lurching, low-speed derailment halfway out of the station]]". [[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/06/14/AR2010061405423.html The Washington Post concurs.]] [[http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-steps-to-writing-successful-suspense-with-glenn-beck/ Here's a Cracked article about it.]]
** How terrible is Beck's [[PurpleProse prose]]? Here's an excerpt from the novel:
--->''"these liberated chestnut curls framed a handsome face made twice as radiant by the mysteries surely waiting just behind those light green eyes."''
** The book is even worse than previously thought established. [[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/chris-kelly/glenn-becks-new-novel-abo_b_613861.html It turns out]] ''The Overton Window'' is a blatant retread of the 2005 thriller ''Circumference of Darkness''. ''Overton'' was even ghostwritten by ''Circumference'' writer Jack Henderson. The only difference is that the names are swapped, and the bad guys in ''Overton'' are left-wing lunatics instead of right-wing lunatics.
* The Literature/DoctorWhoNewAdventures story ''The Pit'' by Neil Penswick is commonly regarded as the worst ''Series/DoctorWho'' novel of all time, not least because of the tedious nature of the story, which is written entirely in BeigeProse to boot. The Doctor is completely useless and does virtually nothing throughout — which to be fair was part of a larger ''New Adventures'' StoryArc, but is taken WAY overboard in this novel — and Bernice Summerfield acts completely out of character, coming across as cold-hearted and irritable. Legendary poet William Blake appears as one of the main characters, but is completely wasted and just spends most of his time complaining about the situation he's in. Worst of all, the whole thing ends up being one giant ShaggyDogStory, making it even more infuriating to have to sit through the bland and confusing storyline. Fortunately, you don't have to read through the whole thing; [[http://www.drwhoguide.com/whona12p.htm this prologue]] (originally published in ''Magazine/DoctorWhoMagazine'') illustrates its main problems well enough.
* Of all the books meant to warn people about the [[CriticalResearchFailure dangers of]] ''Franchise/{{Pokemon}}'', none are as bad as Phil Arms' book ''Pokemon and [[Franchise/HarryPotter Harry Potter]]: A Fatal Attraction''. [[CoversAlwaysLie Despite what the cover says, Harry Potter only gets one chapter in the entire book]], which tries (and fails) to equate ''Pokemon'' with New Age beliefs, but stumbles into CriticalResearchFailure (not realizing that Digimon and Pokemon are made by two different companies and Digimon is significantly harder than Pokemon, failing to understand that Mewtwo had [[HumansAreBastards perfectly]] [[TheWoobie good]] [[TearJerker reasons]] to blow up the lab (granted, they were in a Drama CD only released in Japan, but still), ignoring the fact that you don't actually kill, maim, or steal anyone or anything in the game... and that's just three random errors he made), RougeAnglesOfSatin ("J.K. Rawlings"? "Zobat"?), over- reliance on fansites and websites already critical of Pokemon, ''[[ComplainingAboutShowsYouDontWatch and a letter where he outright states he doesn't actually play or read the things he's attacking]]''. Reviews can be found on Amazon [[http://www.amazon.com/Pokemon-Harry-Potter-Fatal-Attraction/product-reviews/1575580675/ref=cm_cr_dp_synop/192-5176829-5466719?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending#R230APTPXBBOZO here]], with an average of ''1.8'' (with most of the 5-star reviews being parody reviews at that).
* ''The Sacred Seven'' by Amy Stout is a deservedly obscure fantasy "epic" which is nevertheless only novella-length. The plot's a ClicheStorm in which a BigBad EvilSorcerer is trying to take over the world and playing MacGuffin GottaCatchThemAll. The attempts at "originality" are things like forest dwarves and the BigBad being a female elf leading a troll army instead of the traditional orc army. But what makes this book special is that it has over two dozen point-of-view characters over its meager pagecount in a large font. Most ''pages'' have at least one POV switch, which can be to a character in a completely different geographic location having completely different adventures. As you might expect, none of the LoadsAndLoadsOfCharacters have [[FlatCharacter much of a detectable personality]]. The whole thing reads like an internet round robin written by a bunch of teenagers. Oh, and there's a sequel called ''The Royal Four''.
* Victoria Foyt's [[VanityPublishing vanity-published]] book ''Literature/SaveThePearls: Revealing Eden'' claims to be "the next ''[[Literature/TheHungerGames Hunger Games]]''" with its premise of an apocalyptic world where [[PersecutionFlip white people ("Pearls") are the minority, and black people ("Coals") are the "privileged" majority.]] That doesn't change the fact that it's just a whiny racist fantasizing about a world where her views are easily justified. It's almost unfair to say the [[UnfortunateImplications implications are unfortunate]], as that would imply a subtlety this book completely lacks. Ridiculous lengths and liberties (particularly with its use of [[HollywoodScience science]] to explain why black people are at an advantage) are taken in a transparent and ineffective attempt make the white characters (and whites as a whole) more sympathetic. That, and the book as a whole is ham-handed and devoid of any real effort. The book is currently rated 1 1/2 stars on [[http://www.amazon.com/Revealing-Eden-Save-Pearls-Part/product-reviews/0983650322/ref=cm_cr_pr_top_helpful?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0 Amazon]] (and just keeps on going down), with there being strong evidence that the handful of positive reviews [[AstroTurf were faked]].
** A major part of the premise is that the main character has to use paint to disguise herself as a "Coal". The result of this? A promotional video where the actress playing her part is done up in BlackFace. Talk about horrid ideas...
* The first published book of the Chilean author Francisca Solar, ''La Septima M'' ("''The Seventh M''"), a YA/Paranormal detective novel about the investigation of a series of strange suicides in Southern Chile. The main characters are an [[MarySue impossibly beautiful and talented]] young forensic woman (whom the author calls a "Thanatologist" in one of the worst cases of SeparatedByACommonLanguage in the Spanish language) who has an AmbiguousDisorder and takes medication with vaguely defined and inconsistent effects; a detective with NoSenseOfHumor whose investigative capacities are more of a InformedAbility, and a obnoxious photographer who was intended as a PluckyComicRelief but comes as TheScrappy instead. The [[TownWithADarkSecret location]] reeks of [[ArgentinaIsNaziland Chile is Naziland]], every bad police procedural clich้ is played straight, the "mystery" is practically ripped off a ''Series/TheXFiles'' filler episode, some of the very tense situations happen in Hanna-Barbera cartoon style (including what may be the worst attempt on playing the ScoobyDoobyDoors for drama), {{Plot Hole}}s abound, and the IdiotBall is played like a volleyball match. All the former and the [[PurpleProse very purple and pretentious writing]] would make the book [[SoBadItsGood hilarious]] in other circumstances, but here they dogpile to slog the text and infuriate the reader. A sequel (named "El Hada de las Cadenas", "The Faerie of Chains") was eventually written and published, but the editorial decided to release it on digital only. In a region where the purchase of digital content isn't very widespread, that's the kiss of death indeed.
* A book that would've barely been a blip if not for the internet — Janine Cross' ''Touched By Venom'' (aka ''The "Venom Cock" Book''). "''Literature/DragonridersOfPern'', ''Literature/{{Gor}}'', and ''ClanOfTheCaveBear'' get thrown into a blender and topped off with extra helpings of pain and suffering (and bestiality)" is the closest one can come up with as a thumbnail sketch for the plot. To the author's credit, she creates a CrapsackWorld and never tries to pretend it's anything but. No WriterOnBoard here. And the two sequels are markedly improved (not ''good'', mind you, but not Horrible) and explain many of the baffling plot points in ''Venom'' - like why a society that worships dragons as divine would use them as pack animals, routinely amputate their wings, and eat their eggs as a staple food. The problem here, aside from this book not standing alone, is that Cross takes FromBadToWorse to [[DiabolusExMachina ludicrous degrees]]: the Dragon Temple screws Zarq's serf enclave out of all their worldly possessions on a technicality? Sell Zarq's sister into [[AFateWorseThanDeath sex slavery]] to buy food and supplies. Mom schemes to get her back? Scheme backfires, resulting in Dad's execution and Mom and Zarq's banishment. (Did we mention Mom's pregnant, and they're kicked out immediately after she gives birth to a son she's not even allowed to hold?) They find refuge in a convent that houses old dragons? Just in time for Mom to drop dead! Then Zarq has to undergo [[{{Gorn}} "circumcision"]] to be considered "clean and holy". The nuns hold bestiality rites with the old dragons. And all that occurs in the ''first half of the book''. (And yes, it does get worse — the damage finally spreads to those around Zarq.)
** According to a LiveJournal entry on the book's awfulness, there are whole sections full of loving descriptions of Zarq "touching her sex" ''[[YouFailBiologyForever after she's undergone a complete clitoridectomy]]''. She magically grows functioning genitals on Pages 204, 271, 303, 346, and probably more.
** Double bonus — the dragon venom that's getting everyone off like rockets? It's described as being an ''[[ArtisticLicenseBiology anesthetic]]''.
* Rise of the Zombies is free on Google Books, but even then you'll want your money back. The book is a pathetic two pages long, and they're the two stupidest pages ever; a father and son are out fishing, when zombie Blackbeard hauls himself onto the boat and eats them. In the space of a sentence, the Zombies kill every single person on a nearby island. The president nukes the island, but the zombies somehow learn to fly planes and escape, and (again in just one sentence) kill all life on Earth. Out of nowhere, "Alien's from the planet Xenan" turn up and blow up Earth. It has to be seen to be believed. Another story by the same author has global warming cause Earth to lose its gravity.