- When Kathleen's campaign makes Joe look bad on TV:
Joe (seeing himself on TV): Hey, there's the good-looking guy!TV!Joe: I sell cheap books. I do, so sue me.*cut to reporter*: And that, in a nutshell, is the Fox Books philosophy.Joe: Hey!Kevin: You said that?Joe: Yeah, but...that's not all I said! I said - aww, I can't believe those bastards! I said we were great. I said you could sit and read for hours and no one will bother you. I said we have a hundred and fifty thousand titles. I showed them the New York section. I said we were a goddamn piazza! A place in the city where people can mingle and mix and be!Kevin: ...Piazza?Joe: I WAS ELOQUENT! SHIT!
- Joe's conversation with his father Nelson (who has just been kicked out by his latest girlfriend and is living on his yacht).
Nelson: You know, I stayed on this boat after... let's see, your mother... Laurette, the ballet dancer...Joe: My nanny.Nelson: She was the nanny?Joe: Yeah.Nelson: (laughs) I forgot that. How ironic. Then there was the ice skater...Joe: Also my nanny.Nelson: Really?Joe: (rolls eyes) Yeah!Nelson: That's amazingly ironic. And then there was Sybil, the... um... it's an "A" word...Joe: Astrologer.Nelson: Exactly. YeahJoe: Whose moon turned out to be in someone else's house, as I recall.Nelson: Just like Gillian.Joe: Gillian ran off with someone?Nelson: The nanny!
- After Kathleen talking to Christina (her shop clerk) about her online relationship with Joe, Birdie enters the store.
Birdie: What are you girls talking about?Christina: Cybersex.Birdie: I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting a busy signal!Christina: (sympathetic) I know! I was really depressed one Saturday, and I-(Birdie walks off, talking loudly over Christina.)Birdie: Time to open up!
- Kathleen and Joe clashing at a party, over the buffet.
(Joe is spooning some caviar from the edge of a tray onto his plate.)Kathleen: What is that? What is that? What are you doing? You're taking all the caviar? That caviar is a garnish!Joe: (very deliberately scoops all of the remaining caviar onto his plate)
- Joe explaining how The Godfather is the source of all wisdom.