Funny / You've Got M@il

  • When Kathleen's campaign makes Joe look bad on TV:
    Joe (seeing himself on TV): Hey, there's the good-looking guy!
    TV!Joe: I sell cheap books. I do, so sue me.
    *cut to reporter*: And that, in a nutshell, is the Fox Books philosophy.
    Joe: Hey!
    Kevin: You said that?
    Joe: Yeah, but...that's not all I said! I said - aww, I can't believe those bastards! I said we were great. I said you could sit and read for hours and no one will bother you. I said we have a hundred and fifty thousand titles. I showed them the New York section. I said we were a goddamn piazza! A place in the city where people can mingle and mix and be!
    Kevin: ...Piazza?
  • Joe's conversation with his father Nelson (who has just been kicked out by his latest girlfriend and is living on his yacht).
    Nelson: You know, I stayed on this boat after... let's see, your mother... Laurette, the ballet dancer...
    Joe: My nanny.
    Nelson: She was the nanny?
    Joe: Yeah.
    Nelson: (laughs) I forgot that. How ironic. Then there was the ice skater...
    Joe: Also my nanny.
    Nelson: Really?
    Joe: (rolls eyes) Yeah!
    Nelson: That's amazingly ironic. And then there was Sybil, the... um... it's an "A" word...
    Joe: Astrologer.
    Nelson: Exactly. Yeah
    Joe: Whose moon turned out to be in someone else's house, as I recall.
    Nelson: Just like Gillian.
    Joe: Gillian ran off with someone?
    Nelson: The nanny!
  • After Kathleen talking to Christina (her shop clerk) about her online relationship with Joe, Birdie enters the store.
    Birdie: What are you girls talking about?
    Christina: Cybersex.
    Birdie: I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting a busy signal!
    Christina: (sympathetic) I know! I was really depressed one Saturday, and I-
    (Birdie walks off, talking loudly over Christina.)
    Birdie: Time to open up!
  • Kathleen and Joe clashing at a party, over the buffet.
    (Joe is spooning some caviar from the edge of a tray onto his plate.)
    Kathleen: What is that? What is that? What are you doing? You're taking all the caviar? That caviar is a garnish!
    Joe: (very deliberately scoops all of the remaining caviar onto his plate)
  • Joe explaining how The Godfather is the source of all wisdom.