Book and Series
- Cromwell's threat to Harry Percy that if he keeps going around telling everyone that he was contracted to marry Anne Boleyn, then "the Duke of Norfolk will bite your bollocks off."
- The Duke of Norfolk swearing by "the thrice beshitten shroud of Lazarus" even gets a smile from Cromwell.
- Henry's Rhetorical Question Blunder about Cromwell's opposition to war with France:Henry: You think the king should huddle indoors like a sick girl?!
Cromwell: That would be ideal, for fiscal purposes. - The Duke of Suffolk getting totally sidetracked when Henry sadly mentions a years-ago Christmas spent with one of the men now on the list of people conspiring with Elizabeth Barton. Cromwell has to bow out of the room as they fall into reminiscing.
- Gregory's letters: he hopes his father is well, that everyone else is well, he is well, and now no more for time. In bad Latin.
- The sentry at Kimbolton orders Cromwell to show his colors. Cromwell replies to let him in or he'll show his boot to the sentry's arse.note
- At the mention of Henry kissing Anne Boleyn's breasts, Cromwell dryly remarks "Good man if he can find them". Anne's flat-chestedness compared to her sister Mary is a bit of a running gag.
Book
- When Cromwell and Henry Wykys travel to Antwerp to sort out Henry's business, Cromwell elects to stay with the wool merchants he'd met when he left England and puts Henry in the room with the family grandfathers, where they fall into the universal fellowship of old men's complaints: health problems and wives. (There is a son-in-law who translates dutifully. Even the anatomical terms.)
- Henry Wykys' way of rewarding Cromwell for restoring his business is to cheerfully suggest wedding his widowed daughter—it'd be convenient for everyone since she's saying she wants a new husband anyway. Henry is quite confused when Liz and Thomas decide to sit down and talk to each other before deciding, as though it's a strange habit of the young.
- Cardinal Wolsey's habit of making up outrageous stories about Cromwell's misbehavior, loudly accusing him of starting fights and complaining about the glazier's bill, to the incredulity of visitors observing the apparently mild-mannered lawyer. Wolsey's tales even outlive him; years later Chapuys asks Cromwell if he was really raised by pirates. (Cromwell replies that pirates would have thrown him back.)
- Thinking back on the gossip of himself he overheard from Smeaton, Cromwell asks his cook Thurston if he looks like a murderer. He asks this question while innocently contemplating a knife that needs to be sharpened. Thurston takes a while to answer.
- Cromwell half-seriously thinks through an idea while Henry is playing bowls against the French court in Calais—issue leather tokens to anyone who wants to play the King for money, force the winners to travel to England to redeem them, attach torturous paperwork and require an expensive seal.
- Rafe manages to completely shock Cromwell by announcing he's been married to Helen Barre for half a year. He bemoans several times that he should never have kept it secret, but he's equally astonished that he was able to in the first place.
- From the same scene, Cromwell finally realizes why Helen didn't have her cap on and why Rafe was so disheveled and aggravated sixth months ago when Cromwell dragged her off to help Archbishop Cranmer's pregnant German wife.note
- The Duke of Suffolk insists that the Poles and Courtenays must be severely punished and made an example of for conspiring with Elizabeth Barton and her prophesying against the King, but without being rude to them or upsetting them in any way because they're of such high pedigree and Cromwell has to respect that.
- When shown Elizabeth in the cradle, Cromwell thinks he's never seen an infant who looked so ready to take offense.
- Norfolk speculates that Richard Riche was so wild in his youth because he's a Pretty Boy who nobody took seriously—slab-faced old bruisers like himself and Cromwell don't do things like that because nobody asks them to prove it.Cromwell: We are the most pacific of men.
Series
- The normally dour and reticent Cromwell strolling his property whistling and sharing anecdotes from his youth after sleeping with Johane. The story he tells his eager apprentices (who flock around him as soon as they realize he's actually going to say something about his past) is pretty funny in its own right: while in Italy, he and two friends cast a bronze statue and beat it up with hammers to make it look older, and sold it to a credulous cardinal as a relic from the Emperor Augustus.
- When Stephen Gardiner runs into Cromwell running late, he insults Cromwell and stalks off, saying "God bless you." Cromwell laughs at the insincerity and shouts "Thanks!" after him.
- The look on Gardiner's face when More breaks out the Latin to call Martin Luther's words shit and his mouth the "anus of the world." At dinner, no less.Cromwell: What a pretty way you have with Latin.
- Henry angrily confronts Cromwell over Cromwell's previous criticisms of the costly wars in France.Henry: I captured the town of Thérouanne, which you called –
Cromwell: [unapologetic] – a ‘dog-hole’, majesty.
Henry: How could you say so?!
Cromwell: Uh, I've been there? - In the above scene discussing the Poles' conspiracy with Elizabeth Barton, Suffolk turns away and swishes his cloak over his shoulder in an attempt to look grand and nonchalant as he delivers what he clearly thinks is the last word—and Cromwell goes on talking anyway.
- Cromwell only being able to give a casual "Oh" upon being told the king is dead.
